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Original poster

Men who are "Open to children"

107 replies

Sundaycoffee · 19/09/2022 13:30

I want children and I'm in my thirties. On online dating sites I have been talking to men who state they are "open" to children.
I'm worried about wasting precious time with people whose priorities aren't aligned with mine and tend to meet only people who say they know they want kids.
I was talking to a nice man (41) that said "I am open to children but I will be honest I am not in a hurry". I bid him good day and went on my way.
My sister said she thought I was silly to not even meet him. That he might decide in a few months time that he is crazy about me and would be up for going down that route. She also says you have no idea what he means by "not in a hurry" and that he might mean he doesn't want to start in the next 6 months and I should at least meet him.
To me I feel like its a potential to fall for someone, be strung along for a bit and then evidently the relationship end because he's still not sure. Especially considering he's saying this at 41!
What do you think?

OP posts:
anthurium · 19/09/2022 14:27

Do you have a backup plan in case you don't meet someone in time?

Have you considered going it alone?

Original poster
Sundaycoffee · 19/09/2022 14:32

Stravaig · 19/09/2022 14:13

What does your profile say, OP? Do you go for something like 'I've done my carefree partying; now I'm looking for the right person to raise a family with' or somesuch? I'm wondering how women express the clarity and commitment they are looking for.

Yes, it says no party animals, hook ups or FWB. And I have looking for a relationship and "want children" as options

OP posts:
Original poster
Sundaycoffee · 19/09/2022 14:36

anthurium · 19/09/2022 14:27

Do you have a backup plan in case you don't meet someone in time?

Have you considered going it alone?

Something I have considered, but I'm not sure if doing it alone would be for me personally. I just really like the idea of doing it with someone I love that I can share the experience with.

OP posts:
roarfeckingroarr · 19/09/2022 14:38

I agree with your approach.

I am 34 and pregnant with my second with DP. We will part ways as good friends and co-parents next year - he's awesome, a wonderful father but we aren't right as a couple. I'm so relieved about DC2 because I know I want more than one and this way I can start dating in the future without your dilemma.

At 35, you don't have time to waste and I really respect how decisive you're being. good luck finding the right one.

Original poster
Sundaycoffee · 19/09/2022 14:40

Blueberrywitch · 19/09/2022 14:26

Hmmm I’m not sure if I totally agree, my DP is actually 41 and I feel like if we broke up and he returned to online dating, he would say he was “open to children”, he would definitely be ready for children and would make a fantastic dad, he would just never say something like “ready for a family!!” As that would be a bit weird for a guy to say?

I don’t think you should rule out first dates based on this. By all means do the first date, then bring up plans for kids etc on second date and then if they’re a very hesitant fucking you around “open” you can call it. But you might be missing out on some men who will reveal they are genuinely up for kids in person!

Why is it strange for a man to say they are ready to have a family?

OP posts:
brookln · 19/09/2022 14:45

I dunno, so many people are suggesting to be open from very early on and ask questions on whether they want kids etc. It seems so full on and too much so early on.

Just had my first baby at 35. DP is 42.

I raised a question after 6 months and he said he did want kids. I feel that for the initial dates the 'do you want a baby??' questions are far too much. 👎

MumKnowsBetterThanYou · 19/09/2022 14:47

Yeah I don’t agree. What would you expect men to put on a dating site or say on a first date “I really want children so bad” - I can’t imagine that would go down to well with most women even those who were “open to children”.

Anyway your 35 yourself and don’t have children so obviously it hasn’t been all consuming all your adult life either. I get that you may have started to feel the fertility clock ticking but I still think you have to play it at least somewhat cool in online dating otherwise you’ll just come off as shopping for a sperm donor and not so worried about the man himself, which won’t be a good way to attract a good man and good father material anyway.

You’ve got to remember men have no biological clock so even those who do want children have no need to be as upfront and immediate about it as you do.

Stravaig · 19/09/2022 14:52

@Sundaycoffee That's clear! So I'd be equally clear in filtering them. Only consider men who definitely want children and who are actively looking to start a family. I think it's sensible to be clear, and not at all weird for men to be equally clear. You just have to find each other. Be focused, ruthless, disciplined. 'Discipline is the art of remembering what you want.' Tell your friend that!

PermanentTemporary · 19/09/2022 14:56

I had this conversation with dh on the second date. We met at a dating event type thing, though I vaguely remembered his profile- we were on the same site but I hadn't warmed to his profile straight away. By the second date we were getting pretty serious.

I agree with your approach with this particular guy - he sounds like a 'never type However, with fewer red flags, I wonder. With dh, my experience was that once dh had met wonderful me 😂he was up for anything to stay in my life, and that's not unusual for guys. They don't have to think about fertility every day of their lives and every month, so it isn't as present in their lives as it is for women. Doesn't mean they're not up for it if it's that or losing you.

Celia24 · 19/09/2022 15:01

I'm a woman who is open to children (age 30) but ONLY if I meet the right person. So I would say this but err on the side of yes I would if I have the right person.

But it isn't a personal goal I feel I'm striving for - I dread these types of conversations when I start dating again!

Blueberrywitch · 19/09/2022 15:01

Sundaycoffee · 19/09/2022 14:40

Why is it strange for a man to say they are ready to have a family?

Show quote history

It’s not strange to say in person after they’ve got to know you a bit, but a bit full on to have in your dating profile as a profile setting - is what I mean.

Maybe that’s a ridiculous notion on my part, but I would wager that lots of men agree - the point being that if OP filters out every man with “open to children” as a setting because she thinks this means they are “not keen for children and likely to string her along”, then I think OP could be missing lots of men who actually would be down to start a family in a year or two.

I think if I was single and looking for a date, even I would be put off by someone whose dating profile was all about wanting kids? They would seem a bit of a weirdo to me. Being “open to children” would be what I would look for.

pinkyredrose · 19/09/2022 15:04

IncompleteSenten · 19/09/2022 13:41

I'm open to children in this context means I don't want children but if I tell you I might do, I'll get at least a couple of years out of you before you realise.

Yup

Blueberrywitch · 19/09/2022 15:05

Stravaig · 19/09/2022 14:52

@Sundaycoffee That's clear! So I'd be equally clear in filtering them. Only consider men who definitely want children and who are actively looking to start a family. I think it's sensible to be clear, and not at all weird for men to be equally clear. You just have to find each other. Be focused, ruthless, disciplined. 'Discipline is the art of remembering what you want.' Tell your friend that!

But wouldn’t filtering out all but the men who are extremely motivated to start having babies mean that you might find someone who perhaps isn’t actually the right partner, but a bit too focused on wanting kids? I’d much prefer the “open to” approach and find someone who is a great connection for me, then have kids together.

All that “open to” means is that they’re waiting for the right person, surely? (Ignoring all the devilish cads who are lying to get into your pants of course).

Usually when men love you and want to keep you, they’ll have babies with you. I don’t think many of them wander around single and desperate for a baby.

Original poster
Sundaycoffee · 19/09/2022 15:06

Celia24 · 19/09/2022 15:01

I'm a woman who is open to children (age 30) but ONLY if I meet the right person. So I would say this but err on the side of yes I would if I have the right person.

But it isn't a personal goal I feel I'm striving for - I dread these types of conversations when I start dating again!

Do a lot of people have children that arent with the right person? I always feel like this is a given but maybe it's not as everybody says it! Do you mean that there are people that you would be happy to be in a relationship with but you couldn't imagine them being a good father?

OP posts:
Original poster
Sundaycoffee · 19/09/2022 15:10

This is also a great point. I'm definitely not wanting to discount anyone and I'm not looking for just a sperm donor either. I just wish there was a way to identify all those "devilish cads"!

OP posts:
Original poster
Sundaycoffee · 19/09/2022 15:11

Sundaycoffee · 19/09/2022 15:10

This is also a great point. I'm definitely not wanting to discount anyone and I'm not looking for just a sperm donor either. I just wish there was a way to identify all those "devilish cads"!

That was in response to Blueberrys post! Thought I quoted

OP posts:
Whatsthepointofmosquitos · 19/09/2022 15:14

Totally agree with you OP. There are so so many posts on here where the woman wastes two years of her thirties only to find that “open to children but in no hurry” really means “I would very much like to sleep with you but don’t want to be a dad.”

A man in his thirties/forties either wants children, or he doesn’t. He’s had plenty of time to work that out.

Stravaig · 19/09/2022 15:16

Well, I'm definitely outwith the norm in this, but I see 'person to co-parent with for the next 20 years' as a very specific category in its own right. Separate from best friend, sexual attraction, romantic love or compatible housemate. So I'd filter for it from the outset, and make it clear upfront.

SlouchingTowardsBethlehemAgain · 19/09/2022 15:24

I think it is good to be very clear about what you want. And I do think that you can clarify on a first date what your position is and ask for their position - a timeline for them of 10 years is no use to you. There is no shame in being completely open, everyone knows how biology works. You are not asking them to impregnate you on the spot. Too many men are future faking because they want a partner - all this shit about the right person at the right time, unless a man says a clear yes to wanting children, he means no, especially at 41.

Changechangychange · 19/09/2022 15:29

I think it is fair enough for a man to say “I do want children but not with somebody I have only just met, I’d want to spend a year or two getting to know somebody before we TTC”.

That is sensible - nobody wants to get divorced before you’ve even come back from maternity leave, because you jumped into TTC with somebody you didn’t get to know well enough.

But this “ooh, I might want kids, I might not, it all depends on how much you run around after me” - it’s game-playing, trying to get you doing the pick-me dance to prove you are perfect enough for them to procreate with.

Tuilpmouse · 19/09/2022 15:36

brookln · 19/09/2022 14:45

I dunno, so many people are suggesting to be open from very early on and ask questions on whether they want kids etc. It seems so full on and too much so early on.

Just had my first baby at 35. DP is 42.

I raised a question after 6 months and he said he did want kids. I feel that for the initial dates the 'do you want a baby??' questions are far too much. 👎

I disagree strongly... If you know you definitely want kids, and your in your mid-30s, it's absolutely crazy to wait 6 months before asking fundamentally important question about the desire to have children... and then (if they are non-committal) have all the heartache of deciding whether to break up or continue anyway hoping they'll change their mind over the next year or so... with that sapping the love from the relationship until you finally break up, late 30s and with even leas time. What are the downsides to being upfront? If the man is scared off by the conversation, he's clearly not a keeper!

Blueberrywitch · 19/09/2022 15:38

This was/is my approach. Date lots of men, date them all simultaneously, make it clear you are doing this and won’t be exclusive until you’ve had the “are we serious and exclusive now” conversation. When that conversation comes up, then is the time to ask, when do you want children?

No one can waste your time if you are continuing to play the field. You’ll just get lots of nice dinners out and become a great conversationalist.

Tuilpmouse · 19/09/2022 15:39

Do you mean that there are people that you would be happy to be in a relationship with but you couldn't imagine them being a good father?

Yes, this is weird unless it's clearly just a fling.

Blueberrywitch · 19/09/2022 15:40

And obviously only agree to go exclusive if their answer to the when do you want children question is - let’s try in a year if all goes well in our relationship or something very solidly enthusiastic.

Wanmoreday · 19/09/2022 15:43

Tbf though you should know them fir a couple if years before deciding to have kids woth them and anyone can change their mind in that space of time. It's all the luck of the draw. Unless they say 'I don't want kids' I'd meet them and see how you get on.