Men who are "Open to children"

[Sundaycoffee]

I want children and I'm in my thirties. On online dating sites I have been talking to men who state they are "open" to children.
I'm worried about wasting precious time with people whose priorities aren't aligned with mine and tend to meet only people who say they know they want kids.
I was talking to a nice man (41) that said "I am open to children but I will be honest I am not in a hurry". I bid him good day and went on my way.
My sister said she thought I was silly to not even meet him. That he might decide in a few months time that he is crazy about me and would be up for going down that route. She also says you have no idea what he means by "not in a hurry" and that he might mean he doesn't want to start in the next 6 months and I should at least meet him.
To me I feel like its a potential to fall for someone, be strung along for a bit and then evidently the relationship end because he's still not sure. Especially considering he's saying this at 41!
What do you think?

See to me someone thinking starting a family after a year is at all wise would be a huge redflag.

Sorry OP but I think it’s very odd that you spoke to a man about when he wants to have children, when you’ve not even met him.

Surely you don’t know when you want to have children either.

How soon after meeting someone are you going to start TTC?

If the children are more important than the partner then adopt or get a sperm donor.

You could meet a guy that says he definitely wants kids very soon but then changes his mind or has lied.

I’d focus on the actual man, instead of how soon he wants DCs.

You were right to ditch Mr Open To Children in his 40s.

Your sister is very naive.

Men who have got to 40 and say they are open to children are future fakers. They believe deep down in their heart of hearts that they'll end up with a woman in her 20s or at most early 30s. They're not interested in older women whose biological clocks are ticking, just stringing you along.

I wouldn't have deliberately gone out with someone who didn't want kids. My ExH changed his mind once I'd got pregnant. Unfortunately for him.

By mid 30s anyone should know whether or not they want children. 'Open ' is ducking the issue and probably just a means to string you along.

You're quite right to filter out anyone who doesn't want children or still hasn't decided as this is something important to you. Don't waste time and energy on people who don't share future wishes.

But he was an all round arse.

DH wouldn't have been put off by it at all. If he wants kids then surely that's the point. He'd be looking for someone who does too.

"Open to children" is fine - I'm more concerned about the "not in any rush" at 41 years old. I'd be wondering when he would actually want to do it.

If he was 30 and not in a rush it would be different but, come on. He's obviously not that into the idea so I'd move on.

I feel that for the initial dates the 'do you want a baby??' questions are far too much

I asked my now husband on our second date! I might not have asked so early on had I had the luxury of time, but I didn’t and I’d rather have scared off any number of men who couldn’t handle a straight conversation than miss out on my chance of becoming a mother. Luckily now DH wanted the same things, and we started trying after a year together - it still took us 4 years to conceive so god only knows if I’d have pussy footed around longer.

I w

Sorry text disappeared. I would look to sperm donation. Genuinely. I am not being goady.

What if they're generally open but a couple of years down the line they decide against it?

What if they have kids but realise once the baby is here they can't handle it?

Nothing is certain.

Nothing is certain. True.

But there is a good chance the OP will weed out the time wasters if she asks the question that is important to her straight off the blocks.

Then she has at least a chance of finding someone who is on the same page, and proceeding.

Second guessing what you want on the basis that a relationship mightn't work out isn't the way forward.

I think your approach is absolutely right and cutting through the nonsense. It’s the approach I took at 28 after getting out of a very long term relationship with mr maybe one day…
I’m now 30, happily married to a 35 year old with a beautiful 7 month old daughter. Glad I took this approach and would absolutely recommend it. My husband and I discussed whether we wanted children and vaguely when within a month of dating. I was sick of being messed about and we both wanted the same thing. Don’t settle for less OP.

I was upfront in my profile when dating in my early 30s. DP asked me if I wanted kids after our second date because it was a priority for him too.

Be upfront. If they are vague, move on!

I'm a solo mum by choice and had my son via a sperm donor last year, but when I dated 3 years ago, I wasn't explicit about wanting children on my profile but I did bring it up in a private conversation soon after we'd matched...I never did meet anyone that I found attractive, interesting, with the same values and timelines as me and vice versa (I dated aged 36-38/39) and really didn't want to settle for someone I vaguely liked or got very desperate and just went with anyone who'd offer me a relationship ...I think looking back I was looking for a needle in a haystack and with time against me I'm glad I went down the route I did because I think I'd still be on the apps looking for a partner to settle down with...

I've recently started doing some 'very light ' dating and the atmosphere around it now is completely different. I'm looking for someone for me rather than a father material. It feels a lot lighter! Fun even! Of course it's tricky as my time is restricted but I'm not reliant on anyone to give me a child so to speak...

I think relationships are luck and timing but you can avoid certain people 's circumstances which could already at the outset be a huge compromise to what you're looking for.

I think what they mean by this is that they're not desperate enough to have kids right now that they're going into a relationship with that as their main focus.

I actually think it's much healthier to look for a partner who would also happen to be a good father than it is to date with the main aim of finding a father for your future DC

It may then mean that if a man fell madly in love with you and you were at an age where time is of the essence they'd be ready, whereas if they met someone who was not in a rush they'd happily take their time.

However, I'd worry that your approach might put them off a bit. I met a few men via OLD who said they felt they were being targeted by women looking for a baby rather than women that were genuinely interested in them for who they are

If you both talk about definitely wanting children it puts a hell of a lot of pressure on a potential relationship. It can be quite off putting when you haven't developed feelings for the other person yet.

I think you should focus on falling madly in love with the right person. Children will follow.

Frankly the first thing is to go out with someone because you love them and want to spend the rest of your life with them. Obviously wanting children is a factor in the compatibility but you yourselves have to be compatible first else the children’s life is going to be hell if you’re not. Get your priorities right and find someone who is compatible with you you can live with for the rest of your life

I ticked the "open to" box for kids when I was dating. As did my DP, coincidentally for the same reasons. We aren't all future fakers!

On balance, I would rather have kids than not have them, but I also think I could have a full and happy life if children never came along (either due to lack of good relationship or health reasons). So ticking "yes" felt too strong and potentially misleading, as it was a relatively minor point in my choosing to have a relationship with someone.

However, I did still have the kids chat with dp on an early date, because being in the right relationship was my goal, rather than just being in a relationship and there is no point going through the heartache 6months down the line if a conversation before feelings have developed too strongly could solve the problem

You're right. Open is a maybe with a lot of 'if's' and its unlikely all the stars will align exactly to fulfil these.

40 is old enough to know whether you want kids or not. 40 is old enough to realise that women over a certain age are unlikely to have kids. Which either means they want a much younger woman or they know that if they drag on the discussion for long enough, it will be off the table

It's never a good idea to have a child for someone else, even if you can persuade them. It's not fair on the child, and the relationship will change after children and then what. And it can always be thrown back in someones face

And lastly there are enough threads from women who have been with men who have said 'sometime in the future' until it was too late

Hmmm I'm unsure about this.

When I was OLD I knew I definitely wanted children but wasn't something I advertised or mentioned until I'd met the person at least once. To me it's a hugely personal thing that I will only discuss if I meet the person and like them. So for me 'open to kids' is how I classified myself. And tbh it made me nervous to see profiles or have chats with guys who brought it up before meeting because I didn't want them speeding up the dating process to get it. It made me feel like I was being sussed out as a breeder rather than a person.

I think there's this notion that we can in any way turn dating into a finely honed scientific method. But you can't, so sometimes you do have to take a punt. If someone says they definitely don't want kids, that's a good filter. Or someone who's life isn't set up for kids at all. But 'open to kids' or ' will wait for the right person' or 'want them but in no rush' are positive signs to me no matter what age. Because I'm looking for someone to have a great relationship with that I can bring kids into. Not someone to have kids with that I form a relationship around. And the first step is meeting the person because most people won't open up fully about their lives and intentions until you meet them.

I met DP on OLD having no idea whether he wanted kids or not but he met all the other criteria. I brought it up on the second date after I decided I liked him, and luckily we were on the same page. If we hadn't been, I'd have ended it there with no hard feelings. But knowing my DP, he would only want kids with the right person I.e he wants kids with someone who wants them but if he met someone he loved who didn't want kids, he'd be ok with not having them too. It isn't a deal breaker to him. So 'open to kids' would be exactly right. And I imagine there's lots of blokes like that who want kids but equally happy without as the relationship is more important.

Also I think a lot of guys don't want to be seen putting pressure on women over kids so will play it cool until they've met and know where her head is at. If a guy started talking kids before a date, I'd be turned off thinking he'll settle with anyone as all he cares about is kids. So makes sense to get to know a woman a bit more before sharing the complexities of whether you want kids and when etc.

Oh also you don't want a guy who wants kids so desperately that he'll divorce you if for whatever reason you can't have them. That's what worries me about the ones who seem utterly fixated on kids to bring it up pre meet. It's the one thing you can't control and some men are just looking for trophy wombs.

My suggestion is to find an ivf clinic and get some eggs frozen. Your future self will thank you. Do it as soon as possible or you'll be finding you can't get pregnant at all and have to use donor eggs.

Speaking from experience.

The stupid thing is he’s putting off the childfree women as well! I’m childfree and wouldn’t message a man who had ‘open to children’ on his profile. Meanwhile the women who have got and/or want children aren’t messaging him either 🤦‍♀️

To be honest in this situation I would make embryos with a sperm donor. It would make dating less pressured as there's then a back up plan if it goes wrong. You are less likely to settle for an arsehole just to get a baby.