Men who think their opinion is the definitive one

[mintywinter]

I'm on OLD just now but what I've noticed is that there seem to be quite a few men who act like their opinion on something is the authority. I don't want to agree on everything or argue about things, but I do want an equal partner who realises we might both have an opinion on things. Just wondering if anyone else had encountered this really. It could be that it's men of a certain age (late 40s/early to mid 50s) It's really off-putting.

Tbh it’s not confined to just “men of online dating” - it’s insidious and it’s everywhere.

I’ve lost count of the number of times I’ve read on MN “I asked my husband and he says…”. Fucking depressing.

Just hold to your own values and trust your own gut. Never let anyone intimidate you. And remember those who feel doubt are wiser than those who think they know it all.

It is depressing for sure. But I suppose I can hold out hope that there a few men out there who don't mind women with views of their own I have been single for ages though so I sometimes wonder if I have just become too independent to date.

Brilliant Gwenhwyfar !

It's not even just men - there's lots of people, full stop, who think their opinion is the only valid one. You've only got to read a few threads on here to see that!

That said, men are more likely to think this way IME as they are surfing the wave of centuries of privilege.

I also think you may run into more of these types on OLD because they are more likely to be (overly) confident and assume you must be dying to hear from them and will leap at the chance of a date. The people with a bit more humility may be a bit more reserved.

Love the Pam Ayres poem.

On the same theme, this is also excellent

HE TELLS HER | WENDY COPE
He tells her that the Earth is flat—
He knows the facts, and that is that. In altercations fierce and long
She tries her best to prove him wrong. But he has learned to argue well.
He calls her arguments unsound
And often asks her not to yell.
She cannot win. He stands his ground.
The planet goes on being round.

Im sure there are plenty of male stick in the muds of that age. However I doubt it's really a gender thing.

People like this are easy to spot as it's obvious within about 5 minutes of meeting them they aren't cut out for a relationship involving compromise. Probably why they are over represented on OLD

Love that alongtimeagoandfaraway

Thanks for all the comments. Interesting about whether there are more on OLD. I'm new to it and not too sure, but then it's hard to meet men my age. I don't swipe on the ones laying out lot of 'you have to do X Y Z to go out with me' in their profile or what people shouldn't do or the ones with inspirational sayings. Seems like a minefield!

The less time you spend thinking about them/messaging them/writing threads about them, the less they exist in your life. If you find yourself on OLD for a while and never come across anybody different, leave OLD. It doesn't matter what the norm is/whether anybody else has experienced it/what we think of it. This is your experience, with the men you meet, and it's different for everybody. Go where you like being, talk to who you like talking to. Stay away from places and people that get on your nerves. That's boundaries and dating success, sorted, if you give it a bit of time.

This could only be written by a man 😂

someone who is completely oblivious to the way men speak over women and mansplain. there’s mountains of research showing men do this , interior women much more than vice versa , how their opinions are taken more seriously and how they put more weight in the opinions of other men than on womens
it’s really quite funny how ignorant so many men are of their own privelidge . Interesting how women step in to say this is their lived experience tou but ahhhh no men will say …. Not a gender thing . Yep … sure is !
It truly IS a gender thing .

I think the issue with this is you're doing the same thing only from the female perspective.
Men are so unreasonable
Women are so unreasonable
Two sides of the same coin, just depends which one you're on.

To be fair, more often than not the "I asked my husband and he says..." mantra is usually because the thread is about a specific issue, and the poster's husband just so happens to be a gas engineer, a driving instructor, a conveyancing solicitor, or some such. Hardly unreasonable to ask an expert on the subject when there happens to be one handy, even if he does happen to be a man.

I ask my husband about lots of things on mumsnet because it's something to talk about and he thinks you're all a bunch of nutters.

Yes I am a man🙋‍♂️

I can assure you I'm not oblivious to how men can be. I did say quite clearly there are plenty of blokes out there stuck in their ways.

Mansplaining seems to have taken a life of its own. In an argument you can pull out the mansplaining card yadda yadda yadda

Even on really small minor things. Happened to me this evening. Was queuing for unisex toilets and a man behind me asks to go past to use the men's. I've already used these loos and tell him, there are no mens , it's unisex. He tells me I'm wrong. Then a bloke in front, also tells him the same thing.
He's still doubting us all ( why would I lie ?!) And then says 'well this is awkward'. Only because you are making it, mate. Honestly. It's small things like this that make you really notice it.

No , pointing out that man’s paining , speaking over women and interrupting by men are well researched facts is not ‘doing the same thing ‘. It’s pointing out that it actually is a gendered issue.
do you feel that men do not interrupt and speak over women much more than vice versa?
if that’s what you believe your actually wrong , not according to me but according to the research so how is that two sides if the coin depending on what side your on ?

I understand that you acknowledged that both genders can do this . I don’t disagree men and or women can behave that way That wasn’t my point though was it . It was that this is a gendered issue i wrote about the research around men doing it much more and yes , also the manplanning

money of which you wrote off by pretending there’s no grneder difference ‘ yes men do it too
and the other your coke back was yadda yardda yadda

both very dismissive and neither acknowledging it even commenting on the research - interesting

MN is screaming full of very bossy women. Hell, I raised a very bossy female (DD, tiresome to be around).

I know / have known a fair few women who are the Big Boss in their relationship with a bloke.

Friend is super into OLD and has never mentioned the blokes being bossy. She has a long list of other moans about them, but never mansplaining or overly strong personalities. That's because... friend is the control freak. She runs rings around the poor guys.

Didn't think I'd ever say this on MN but you seem to be the one swimming against the tide 🤷‍♂️

if that’s what you believe your actually wrong , not according to me but according to the research

There's a certain irony that seems to have eluded you there!

Brilliant

I have been reflecting on this inequality a lot. I see it in work - men are so sure of themselves, so certain they are right, so confident to go for promotions. Even when they are quite limited in their abilities.

that is a skill we need to teach women and girls.

I was recently advised by my dad not to speak at a meeting and let others take the lead. My mum laughed and said they will see this young girl and won’t expect much.

I am a 45 year old director on close to a six figure salary! There is no way they would have given this advice to a middle aged man.

sexism is so ingrained into our society - sometimes it really depresses me.

I don't disagree but your initial point is definitely an interesting one.

My wife has recently decided to go from PT to FT and saw a job (in her field) that was really interesting but she wasn't 100% qualified for. She was really tempted to apply but didn't want to because she didn't have the relevant qualification (despite years of other experience).

I think you're right that many men are confident going for promotions and I'd class myself in this category too. I discussed this difference with my wife and my personal opinion is that job specs are just a wish list, often of people that don't actually exist. Therefore IME it's more about fit and I'm quite happy highlighting my deficiencies at the outset so I'm not wasting anyone's time. I've no doubt that many men just BS their way into jobs but it's never been my style and the honest approach hasn't failed me yet. But I think the difference seems to be that I'm happy to fill in the blanks after getting the job whereas my wife would rather fill in the blanks before getting the job.

Anyway, long story short, she applied after speaking to the hiring manager about her deficiencies and got the job ahead of 6 candidates who were fully qualified and a better fit technically. They're even going to pay for her qualification as they thought her personality and other experience was better for them.

I don't know how common this is with women (confidence in applying for jobs) but I do read this a fair amount on MN and imposter syndrome seems to affect more women than men too. We could definitely do with changing this.

I have been reflecting on this inequality a lot. I see it in work - men are so sure of themselves, so certain they are right, so confident to go for promotions. Even when they are quite limited in their abilities.

I think this is the crux of it. When I started work I hated my job it wasn't difficult and the women in the office were unpleasant. OH told me if I wasn't happy then I needed to do something about it. He encouraged me to retrain and I started in a more interesting and demanding job. He told me that I had to speak up for myself and push on, take no shit.

It was a bit strange coming from him as he'd just came up if others spoke over him at meetings even if he knew they were talking rubbish.

You can go far in business by being confident and speaking as if your sure. We had a couple of young project managers push forward multi million pound projects that were doomed because they were vanity projects for the board and had little to do with the business. They had the good sense to move on with glowing references before the shit hit the fan. Before I left there was a new project manager, a young lady who was going places, starting the third version of this project. It still wasn't going to work but I had to admire the confidence she had and the way she handled the meetings, she could have convinced you that the C5 was the future of transport.

I understand she has now moved on before they try and implement her solution.

So male or female it's confidence that's the key. You don't have to know what you're doing just inspire confidence. If you do it right then if the wheels come off just make sure someone else is driving.

With a bit of practice you could end up in government.