He’s not interested, is he?

[Questiononline]

Been chatting for three weeks. I had to cancel first date. He cancelled second. Then went away. We spoke on phone during his holiday. And messaged a lot. This week he asked me when I could meet - I suggested Saturday night. He didn’t come back to me for several days. He then told me to call him early evening (tonight) to make plans. I did but he’s too tired from travelling. I was very disappointed. We spoke for an hour (great chat) then he suggested meeting next week. Not sure why he didn’t suggest tomorrow or Monday. I think he’s keeping me on back burner - wanted to know what others think? He’s in his 40s and he said it’s lack of opportunity and being picky that’s got him where he is. I don’t have time to waste on the wrong men anymore.

Tonight or Tuesday is fine. You won’t look desperate either way, you’ll just look like someone using online dating in the way it’s designed to be used. If you’re not meeting fairly quickly then it indicates a lack of willingness to ever meet.

‘If you want to see him tonight but choose not to just because you think it seems desperate, that's called game playing. Then you're guilty of doing exactly what you're annoyed at him for doing.’

OP, this is correct. All this ‘he’ll think this or that’ is game playing.

In the future, meet asap to establish if there’s anything worth pursuing.

If he thinks or says you’re desperate then you have an extremely useful insight as to how his mind works, what kind of person he is.

I’d be pissed off he said he was too busy to meet on Tuesday until you broke it off, and then sudden he was free - clearly he was never busy on Tuesday at all but just dicking you around. So I’d block him for that alone, honestly.

I’ve had lots of lovely hour-long chats with people, didn’t mean they were my soulmate.

Why would tonight look desperate. No one can have plans 7 days a week and tonight you happen to be free.

I'm glad I'm not trying to date, it seems like hard bloody work.

For goodness sake if you're both free tonight just make the date and go from there. It's just a drink.

OP, think carefully about going. He was busy until you said goodbye and then suddenly he has time. A keen man doesn't play these sort of games. It would be a no from me. Are you chatting to many others? If you chat to several men you don't invest too much in each one, that's my advice

I’d just be worried there’ll always be some obstacle to things, especially if he travels a lot. He sounds a bit underwhelming, like he hasn’t got much energy or get up and go. Which may be why he hasn’t got on well with dating to date, it might not be deliberate game playing but result is the same really.

Sounds like he wants you to do the hard work.
If he seriously wants to meet you, he can suggest a time/place/event and put himself out a little.
I wouldn't get involved with hour long chats or messaging, save the chatting for fact-to-face meetings. If he's tired because he's been travelling, then he can suggest a time when he's feeling better rested. Keep any texting in the meantime very short, don't invest any more of your energy in this until he demonstrates that he is interested.

So I sent him a message late last night, a flirty one, saying I had one condition to meet him for a drink - it was fun (I asked him to wear a suit, like one of the ones he is posing in a photo, we had joked about it before). He agreed and said no problem! It's likely he will be wearing a suit if we meet after work anyway. We had an exchange, he called me a hottie etc. I teased him a bit, as he does to me. Then I said sorry, I am a tease/rude after a few drinks. He has left me unread since midnight last night and how I feel silly lol. I don't know if he still waiting for me to suggest a date/time. Or whether he's just not interested. I am so out of the dating game!

I would of sacked him off for cancelling, he was only pleading because his ego didn't like rejection.

Now he's left you on read, definitely bin him off. Don't get stuck in a pattern of accepting shitty behaviour.

If he is keen he would get a date and time arranged as a priority. Messages after midnight may not get read immediately I get that, he may be asleep, but no excuse for not getting back to you this am.

A lunchtime coffee is so easy to setup. If he cannot sort that out it is a lost cause.

Delete and block!

Not even had a first date yet and you're already on and off like a set of disco lights. Time to lose your patience with this one OP he is taking the absolute piss out of you.

He finally replied to say I was maybe a little cheeky lol, not rude, and he added enjoy your sore head, in reference to the drinks I had with a smiley face. No question or prompt to keep the conversation going. So I will leave it. He can follow up again if he wants to arrange that drink, although he did ask night before last for me to come back on a date/time. Really losing patience, because I really liked the sound of him, but something just doesn't seem right unless I am being too demanding at this stage. I have no idea.

He STILL hasn’t nailed down a time to meet?

He doesn’t want to meet you, he just likes the ego boost of you flirting with him. Block him, he isn’t interested in dating you. Probably has five or six women on the hook. Has he asked for nudes yet?

He is enjoying the ego boost.
Men like this will keep this up for months.
He isn’t interested enough to confirm a definite date with you. Why are you wasting your time with him?

I thought he was waiting for you to come back on a time?!? Why don't you just do that?! This is very game playing to me - tbh you as well as him. You've rearranged once, told him you don't want to meet then sent flirty drunken messages. It's all very mixed and confusing, just meet the guy for a drink!

You're investing far too much into one man from an online dating site.

I had arranged to meet one man for a walk this weekend (we had met once before). He cancelled a couple of hours before we were due to meet because he was tired after work. I won't be engaging in any further conversation with him. If a normal shift at work has made someone feel too tired to bother going for a quick walk, they either aren't bothered about you/are generally a pain in the arse/both. Start as you mean to go on, don't chase some random two a penny man for an hour of his time!

Exactly this. Why aren't you going back to him with a day?

Ruby0707 Because I am not sure when. I had time this weekend, but the coming week and two will be the busiest at work for me. I am in a senior role and will be pulling really, really long hours. I want to feel good and not exhausted and feel like I look like crap when I meet him.

Ruby0707 Also I guess I am not sure about him, and whether he really wants to meet.

He can’t suggest a time in the next few weeks that you will be available so you are waiting for him to suggest a time so you can say it doesn’t suit?

Treat it like a work relationship for now that you are trying to arrange a meeting for. Confirm a date and time, reconfirm it a day or two before it’s due to take place. If it doesn’t happen, forget about it. If it does see where it goes from there.

pawkins Ideally, I would like him to show interest and ask again about a date/time. Maybe if I leave it enough time, he will follow up. Otherwise, I am being proactive in messaging him AGAIN with a suggested date.

He asked me a week ago when I was free - I said Saturday, he was abroad so I didn't hear from him for days, then asked me to call him on Saturday, I did early evening, and he was too tired. So I am reluctant to msg again with a suggestion, only to have it not work out. As others have said, I do feel like I am doing the heavy lifting.

I understand you don’t want to come across as the person chasing but if you treat it like a work commitment it will come across as confidence ie provided you don’t continue sending him flirty drunken msgs in the interim.

This all sounds too wishy washy from both sides. You need to specify a time and date otherwise what’s the point? If he lets you down again then at least you know- otherwise this could drag on and on and just waste both of your time.