He’s not interested, is he?

[Questiononline]

Been chatting for three weeks. I had to cancel first date. He cancelled second. Then went away. We spoke on phone during his holiday. And messaged a lot. This week he asked me when I could meet - I suggested Saturday night. He didn’t come back to me for several days. He then told me to call him early evening (tonight) to make plans. I did but he’s too tired from travelling. I was very disappointed. We spoke for an hour (great chat) then he suggested meeting next week. Not sure why he didn’t suggest tomorrow or Monday. I think he’s keeping me on back burner - wanted to know what others think? He’s in his 40s and he said it’s lack of opportunity and being picky that’s got him where he is. I don’t have time to waste on the wrong men anymore.

No. No good. Too much drama. Move on. Next........

I feel that if he'd been interested, properly interested, he'd have managed a quick drink to say hello in person, even if a 'proper' date was arranged later on.

If it sounds like a player (and it does) then it's a player. Next!

He sent me such long messages apologising, how it’s been work and travels, it’s not like him to cancel, pls can I give him one last chance etc. It’s bordering on desperation.

He’s older than me, and to be honest, he should be super excited to see me. He only came through as my preferences on the dating app weren’t set as my screen was broken. I believe him when he says he doesn’t get much interest.

he’s spent a lot of time calling and messaging me. But twice now he’s backed off when meeting. The first time I completely understood the reasons why. Second time, last night? Not sure.

He was pleading with me to meet him - he said right now, tomorrow or Monday. Well, right now? He had his chance initially.

there is something that just doesn’t sit right with me. Otherwise I absolutely loved talking to him, he is very chatty and lovely, and I worry that I like him so much already, that he might be like this with women - feeling them in etc. I want to protect my heart. But I don’t know if I’m being too harsh.

He sounds like an immature idiot if I'm being honest

Op, it shouldn't be this difficult

If he was as interested as he's now making out he would have met you by now

He's probably got a few women he's messaging and you're being kept as a backup option

Meet him by all means but he sounds like a lot of effort to me and this early on it shouldn't be this hard

I explained to him my time is very limited and there are many guys who want to date seriously
he also apologised and said he is in the ‘serious dating category’ too and regrets giving me any impression otherwise

I agree it’s been hard work and time cosuming. Time I don’t have much of!

More importantly I don’t want my heart broken again if I can help it

How it is now is a very good indicator of how it will be if you pursue this. Do you want games and dashed hopes?

Is it possible, IF his 'dont get much interest' story is true, that he wanted to be on good form for your first date, to make a good impression etc. & so he was postponing meeting this weekend as he's genuinely knackered from travel?

But now he's realised the delay put you off altogether, his top priority is not missing out completely?

An hour long chat is promising, probably worth at least meeting once.

You could still guard your heart, have boundaries & be cautious.

if you're especially worried because you've already been keen on him - what's the alternative? Speding your time with guys you're less keen on?

The fact he wouldn't get back to you with a date for several days is not great.

agreed

just arrange to meet tonight or this afternoon for coffee/early drinks. just get that first meeting out of the way. then see if still interested.

i mean he could say YOU are flaky s cancelled the first time.

burnoutbabe I’m worried if I suggest tonight it’s not enough notice and he will think I’m desperate

We spoke for 1.5 hours a previous time too Concerned3

well just give him 3 times you are free - he has said TELL HIM WHEN YOU ARE FREE hasn't he? so just do that and if he can't make any, just let him suggest another time.

and don;'t bother with long calls anymore - you either chat in person or not anymore. Minimum effort until an actual meet up arranged, that will prevent you getting more involved if he is just a flake - right now its hard to tell.

I think calling it a ‘date’ perhaps isn’t quite right. It’s an initial quick first meet to see if anything you’ve felt online translates well to an in-person met. So maybe he’s wanting to present his very best side for a ‘date’. But all you should be aiming for is a quick drink after work, even if you’re tired or whatever.

I’d say three weeks talking is too much, (although you’ve tried to arrange twice to meet plus he was away) and all you want is a quick drink. Arrange something within the next four days or so, and if he cancels then call it a day. But being tired etc isn’t a reason to cancel imho at this stage. And once it’s firmly arranged, as in time, place, day, stop chatting on the app apart from a quick confirmation on the day.

But this would be it, one more arranging of a meet, no cancellations. What a pp said about him wanting to be on good form could be true.

Well if he thinks you’re desperate then 🤷‍♀️. Online dating is there for you to get in touch with people so you can MEET. That’s literally the point.

I won’t chat with anyone longer than a week now. If you don’t want to meet (or can’t meet) within a week or two then either you’ve got no business being online dating, or you should pause your profile until you’re back from trekking the Andes or out of hospital or whatever.

Oh come on you're reading far too much into this. You've never even met the guy! You're expecting too much too soon, if he was desperate to meet you from day 1 you'd say he was too keen.

Just give the bloody guy a chance. You like him, you enjoy chatting to him, you won't know if you don't meet him at least once. Just meet him tonight and get it over and done with.

Let us know how it goes!

OP - in your place - I’d give him a few dates and reserve judgement until you actually meet him.

OLD is not easy. Miscommunications are very easy; previous life knocks make people jumpy. Etc.
A friend of mine is also doing OLD, and like you it seems to make her react/ overreact/overthink, etc. She is also afraid to have her heart broken. And I constantly have to bring her back to remembering that dating in the early phases isn’t quite deciding whether you are going to marry the man just yet, all based on a few online interactions. It’s getting to meet him, checking out if there is chemistry and if you want to see him for date 2.

He is clearly overcompensating for the miscommunications earlier. And he is clearly very bad at OLD.

You liked something about him. Maybe there is some potential there - maybe not.
But you won’t know unless you meet him, at least once. It doesn’t take much time, and certainly there won’t be enough time to break your heart.

MMmomDD

A friend of mine is also doing OLD, and like you it seems to make her react/ overreact/overthink, etc.

am I over reacting tho when he has cancelled twice and left me hanging for days? I’ve never experienced this before

usually guys are quick to meet and it’s done

he has been away a lot over past 10 days

Give him a go. Meet for a drink, you'll soon get the measure of it if and can either walk away or arrange another meet.

I'm not sure you can tell too much from a couple of cancelled meets when it's a first meet and you're both busy with work and he's been away.

What have you got to lose by meeting him for a quick drink tonight??

I'd give him a chance. You've made it clear you're not interested in being messed around. Suggest a couple of dates, and if he cancels or is flaky then say sorry that's it.

This, I'm afraid

Dodged a bullet. P

cancelled twice and left me hanging for days?

Regardless of OLD, this is flaky to me. Not just the cancelling twice, but leaving it open for days and not suggesting an alternative.

People suggesting tonight
it’s very short notice
and I am worried it’ll make me look desperate
I could suggest Tuesday night
we work very close to one another
and he suggested from Tuesday anyway initially

What do you WANT to do.
Regardless of what you think is "desperate"
Do you want to see him tonight? If you do, see him. If you don't, suggest Tuesday.

If you want to see him tonight but choose not to just because you think it seems desperate, that's called game playing. Then you're guilty of doing exactly what you're annoyed at him for doing.