Marriage not awful just meh

[sunshine05]

I'm finding myself, more and more, fantasizing about what it would be like without my hubby. Sometimes even wishing he'd just cheat on me so I could leave him. I feel awful typing this as thinking it is one thing, typing it makes it look awful. We have an ok marriage, but time and time again (he's an alpha male type personality) he'll take things out on me (esp if things aren't going right for him job wise for eg.) and he'll have a go at me, I'll get upset....eventually he'll see he's been unreasonable and he'll apologise. And repeat. I'm sick of it. We have 3 kids together and live a pretty good life but I just keep thinking there has to be someone out there that's better suited for me. Someone more loving, more kind, who makes me laugh. He's so set in structure and routine, as soon as he gets back from business trips it's all 'do this, do that' to the kids, they get harassed and nagged constantly. I feel so much more relaxed when he's away. But I feel like all these reasons aren't enough to make a case for separation. I don't know what I want, I just keep thinking these thoughts. I'm studying at the moment and not earning so also feel like I rely on him for money which isn't good. I'll be earning next year onwards so maybe I need to wait, see how I feel in a year or so. I also wouldn't want to turn the kids life upside down just when they're entering their teens. Anyone else relate to this?

Nobody is going to come in with a clipboard and tell you it's bad enough, and you're allowed to end your relationship. You are the judge of that, nobody else.

You don't need him to cheat on you, to hit you, to gamble or lie so you've got proof to the outside world that it was "bad enough" to leave.

All the reasons you've given are enough, and you don't need to "make a case" for seperation to anyone.

If I dig a little deeper I think the times we've had fights I just felt so hurt I felt like part of me stops loving him a bit each time. The last fight we had was the worst we've ever had. It was over money (as it often is). I need a root canal and have to go private (it's a complex one) and he just said I'll have to wait as he hasn't got his tooth implants done yet due to cost. I said it's my health, I have a tooth with decay, it'll hurt if it gets near the nerve -at least his teeth are out so no pain. Anyway the fight went over into dangerous territory- him telling me I'm a spoilt little princess (brought up with more money than him) and he was so cold and harsh that it shocked me. I think he resents me not working (since I was made redundant 10 years ago and decided to stay at home and bring up the kids). It makes me so angry he doesn't see being a SAHM as something worthy, like I was lying around on my ass all day. Anyway, I just feel more removed from him every time I see such coldness and anger from him....

GreenManalishi that's a very good point. I guess I feel like I can't do it to the kids. I had a chat with a good friend recently and we were discussing divorce (I didn't mention anything personal, it was after we'd touched on the topic of a friend's divorce). she said she could never divorce- she couldn't do it to the kids. She grew up with divorced parents.

It’s your life though, so why would you need strangers to say it’s ok or anyone for that matter? If you want to leave, do it, you don’t need to justify it to anyone. It’s your life, it’s your choice

But you get kids that say their parents stayed together for them and it was awful.
swings and roundabouts, there is no correct answer, that’s life, but this is your life and you are important in it, your the only one living it, make yourself happy.

isittrueornot Ok I don't see things so black and white, I appreciate your comment but I don't think it's as simple as that. Otherwise I would be able to make a decision easily. I was hoping for some empathy, understanding, support......

isittrueornot but that's just it. It's not awful. We don't fight that much so the kids probably think it's a blissful family environment. Trust me if we were fighting daily then I'd have no qualms about leaving if it meant a better environment for the kids. Yeah I know it's my life and I should be happy, but I have to think of the kids too.

Your post really resonates with me op, including the bit about wishing something would happen so I could point to it and say "that's why I left him".
But when we do have rows and he's so vitriolic and i get so upset somehow things just end up being smoothed over and we're back to everyday life, until the next time 😞

AllAboutMargot yes! Exactly this! I feel like sometimes I get SO upset (even to the point of saying in my head, I'm going to LTB, I hate him so much, I deserve better) then the next day it's all back to normal. It leaves you not knowing if things really are 'bad', maybe it's just in the heat of the moment.... but then I think when did we last laugh together, when did I look at him and think I really love you. It's a tough one... thanks for your comment

You don't need an obvious trigger for divorce to get off the societal judgmental hook.

You do need:
To be financially independent,
to be capable of running two homes;
agree on shared childcare;
capable of parenting on your own 50% of the time, with no extra pair of hands;
to spend the other 50% of your free time childless, and perhaps even a little bored;
to realize dating in your 40s is pretty dismal as the pool of available men is limited;
to realize that once you split up you will get the cold shoulder from some people and also will be gossiped about by some others; and
remember holidaying alone with the kids is expensive and can be a bit boring (for you).

Agency over your own life is great, and it's also expensive, single people exercise that agency potentially forever, right up to their retirement and old age.

Q: If you were stranded on a desert island for a weekend, would you prefer if he was there or not?

It sounds like you are experiencing death by a thousand cuts in your marriage. And that you'd like that get out of jail card handed to you (ie if he cheated, you'd feel you could then warrant leaving) and leave passively.

But you describe someone you would like to be with - a kind person, who makes you laugh - that sounds very reasonable to want in your life.

I am really just posting because something you referenced irked me - that your friend said she'd never divorce as she was the child of divorced parents. I was a child of divorced parents - they didn't divorce until I was 15 and I desperately wish they had done so sooner. Our home atmosphere was unpleasant and when my dad came home the overall stress level in the house increased, we retreated as individuals quietly to our rooms and kept our heads down. It was so different when it was just us and our mum, I'd really was.

Good luck

Can I ask why it’s not black and white? It is your life after all, why do you think your not the most important person in it? Do you think maybe you have been conditioned to put yourself bottom of the pile? Are you ever selfish at all?

I didn’t mean your home life is awful for your children, I was referring to what your friend said about not being able to do that to the children. You also get people say their parents stayed together just for them and it was awful.

If you like your life and are happy with it, maybe you can work within its means, live separate lives but in the same household? Or do you love him? Do you want to leave? Does the idea of staying make you feel dread? It just depends on what you want really and what you can do. Change is scary, but staying still never helped anyone

VatofTea thanks for listing the reality- looks bloody scary lol! I'm not financially independent at the moment. Definitely a lot to think about thanks.

Are all 3 of your dc about to be teens? If so, it wouldn't be that hard for you to become financially independent?

Anyfeckinusername yes- that describes it well- 'death by a thousand cuts'
Yes I know what you mean- I was kind of surprised as surely if her parents had stayed together she would have rather they hadn't 'done it for the kids' however she said she was so angry at her dad for leaving- even not speaking to him after she had her first born as she realised how hard it was (and would have been for her mum bringing up the kids).
And yes this is very similar to our home environment. The conflict and shouting (especially between hubby and the eldest son butting heads) increases dramatically when he's home. However the kids miss him when he's away and he does do so much for them in terms of supporting them and playing with them. He's a good dad even if he's a bit too authoritarian. But it IS much more relaxed with just me at home.

I'm sort of in the same situation. We're both pretty unhappy.

I thought the other day how lovely it would be to be with someone who likes me and thinks I'm interesting and funny.

I'm giving myself a year to get a new job and figure things out and then I'll reassess.

I always thought I wouldn't divorce because of the kids but then I don't want them to grow up thinking this is a normal relationship.

Good luck with it all, it's very difficult.

Isittrueornot that's a good point. I guess there's that mum guilt that we shouldn't think of ourselves over others. Thanks, a lot to think about. I think the thought of being with him in 20 years when the kids have left home kind of makes me sad. Not dread so much, just thinking maybe we're not the best fit. But maybe I'm just thinking the grass is greener on the other side and it's not really? I think in all honesty I need to wait. I need to see how things are in the next year or so.

Well I'm studying so won't be able to start earning until next year

Cornedbeef451 sorry you're in a similar situation. It's a horrible kind of limbo. Yes that's an important point, I don't want the kids thinking my hubby's lack of respect towards me sometimes is normal, but I guess it may be too late, kids learn from their parents. Good luck!

Separated mum= relentness need to be self sufficient. Always, always, always working. Sort your own pension/retirement fund out. People judging you if you leave a job (left the marriage, now leaving a job = flighty). House maintenance is all on you....leaking roof/broken boiler.

The good part is; you control all of your own actions, never have to have sex with someone to keep them happy or pretend the relationship is functioning. Never have to share a bed with someone, unless you want to. Don't have to put up with any of husband's wanky friends.

It's only too late to leave when you are dead.

I doubt very much that such a man would actually want his children half the week post separation given how he is now. Oh he may well utter stuff about wanting 50/50 etc but some men use this as a way of punishing their woman for having the gall to leave them as in their eyes they are the perfect specimen. Also he could use that to potentially avoid paying child maintenance as well as using the kids against you as weapons.

You only need to give your own self permission to leave. You are describing a marriage akin to a slow death by 1000 cuts.

What do you want to teach your children about relationships and what are they learning here?. Would you want this sort of marriage for them; no you would not and this is not good enough for you either.

My guess is that when next year comes around, he will actively try and sabotage your attempts at getting back into the workplace.

You are married to this man and have rights in law; exercise those fully and asap (knowledge is power) rather than kick the can down the road for potentially another year. If you remain with him for what are really your own reasons and show your kids this example of a marriage they won't likely want to visit either of you very often if at all when they have left home.

I also think you'll be in the exact same position in a year's time and writing about the self same issues. He is not going to change and this is who he really is.

Do not kick the can down the road.

sunshine05

re your comment:
"He's a good dad even if he's a bit too authoritarian".

Was your own father such a man too?. What did your mother do if he was?. What did you learn about relationships when you were growing up?.

Present day your H butts heads with your eldest child. I sincerely hope you intervene and protect your child here because your H should know better being an adult supposedly. However, whilst you are all under the same roof you cannot protect them and in particular your eldest child here from him.

Women in poor relationships often write the good dad comment also when they can think of nothing else positive to write about their man. As indeed you have done.

And NO he is not a good dad because if he was, he would not be treating you as their mother with such overall contempt. He is a terrible example of a husband, let alone father to these children.

The trouble is, OP, no one (well, hardly anyone) is 100% a wanker all the time.

If you didn't have pleasant enough times with your DH now and then, you wouldn't be human and the relationship would never have got off the ground in the first place.

But to be constantly wondering if you'd be happier elsewhere, when the actual reality of making that change is terrifying and catastrophic, means that there are very good reasons for you wondering it. The kind of reasons that you might not fully understand until you got out of the relationship and stopped taking for granted certain behaviours that are not really OK.

Re divorce and the kids, how I wish my parents had divorced! Instead of sticking together another 70+ years, gritting their teeth. It's been a constant source of worry and sorrow in my life, not to mention the example it set me about what to expect from relationships. Mine were a shitshow too until I was over half a century old and had gradually learned some basic self-care!

Divorce, in and of itself, need not be harmful to children. It is the adversarial and contentious process of divorce, if continued, that may wreak damage. Yet research indicates that most children adapt to their new circumstances within a few years. Having two parents successfully move forward with their lives teaches an invaluable lesson to the kids: that we deserve to be happy and to feel loved. Conversely, remaining in relationships that perpetuate anger, devaluation, and lack of positive interactions leaves an indelible scar on children.

Divorce is not failure OP, living in such unhappiness is.