Marriage not awful just meh

[sunshine05]

I'm finding myself, more and more, fantasizing about what it would be like without my hubby. Sometimes even wishing he'd just cheat on me so I could leave him. I feel awful typing this as thinking it is one thing, typing it makes it look awful. We have an ok marriage, but time and time again (he's an alpha male type personality) he'll take things out on me (esp if things aren't going right for him job wise for eg.) and he'll have a go at me, I'll get upset....eventually he'll see he's been unreasonable and he'll apologise. And repeat. I'm sick of it. We have 3 kids together and live a pretty good life but I just keep thinking there has to be someone out there that's better suited for me. Someone more loving, more kind, who makes me laugh. He's so set in structure and routine, as soon as he gets back from business trips it's all 'do this, do that' to the kids, they get harassed and nagged constantly. I feel so much more relaxed when he's away. But I feel like all these reasons aren't enough to make a case for separation. I don't know what I want, I just keep thinking these thoughts. I'm studying at the moment and not earning so also feel like I rely on him for money which isn't good. I'll be earning next year onwards so maybe I need to wait, see how I feel in a year or so. I also wouldn't want to turn the kids life upside down just when they're entering their teens. Anyone else relate to this?

frozendaisy but it's not just about money. Tonight we fell out over disciplining the kids. It's another sore spot. he's authoritarian and he thinks I'm a wet blanket. I hate all the anger, threats and shouting at the kids so yeah I probably do end up being too lenient but god I'm just so sick of it.

Alcemeg that's a very good philosophy- about truth. I'll be thinking about that as I try and work things through in my head thank you x

So tonight's arguement- (2nd one in a week) well wasn't really an argument. We're trying to get the kids into a routine with homework- new term and all that, now 2 out of 3 are at secondary school. DH said tonight no tv all week next week - just out of the blue, as he's fed up of them not doing their homework first thing after school. I said (a bit flippantly but not actually meaning to piss him off) don't suck all the joy out of their lives, can't they watch some if they've done their homework and music practice) and he flounced off saying 'you bloody do what you want, let them go to bed at 11pm then!

FFS

hes' so black and white with everything- it's always extremes and ultimatums and threats. Even the kids are sick of his bad moods.... he wont change though, I know he won't, he does try (to his credit) to be less shouty and more fair but it just fizzles out and the old him comes right back....

You said when he goes away you are more relaxed and happy and I bet the kids are too. Staying for the kids does t work. He nags at theM and probably makes them feel like he does you. Wouldn't you all be a happier house if he wasn't there he does sound quite horrible tbh

This sounds like a really nasty environment for your children to be growing up in.

frozendaisy well it's not like that all the time. He has always been a very hands on dad, helps them with their homework, plays with them, does tons with them. But yes he's too shouty and authoritarian and that puts a dark cloud on the house more often than not

Should I be noting arguements etc? logging them perhaps?

This morning- he told me the new washing machine is due monday. The old one broke becuase 'you overloaded it too much' (apparently they checked and found that as the cause). I said well it was too small and we need a bigger one this time. He kept shutting me down when I spoke and then said 'why are you still talking' 'just stop talking' in a really patronising way like you'd talk to a child.

I'm not sure if something else is bothering him but he's being worse than usual at the moment...

outtheshowernow I have no doubt it'd be calmer. However I don't cope well with 3 of them when he's away, I get so overwhelmed and stressed. But I guess I'd just have to get my big girl pants on and deal with it if I had to.

But funnily enough despite him causing friction and nagging them they miss him when he's gone!

Finish studying, get a job, and look at separating. He clearly resents your sahp status, and is treating you like an inferior partner.

I've read all the posts. I think what you describe is definitely enough to leave. I keep coming back to the root canal work you needed. Did he pay for the work? How long were you made to wait? How much pain were you in? When I look back on the time it took me to leave my ex-partner, it was things like this that made my life so so hard. I remember a similar situation: I had a tooth abscess. The pain was indescribable (worse than my experience of childbirth) and I didn't know what to do with myself - couldn't think clearly, I guess because the pain was so close to my brain. We'd just moved house and we didn't have a dentist. He did eventually drive me to the hospital but I had to make him. There was no sense that he realised that he needed to look after me, make the decisions and act with a sense of urgency. I was so used to this kind of thing. It happened in every crisis or difficult situation we had. My inability to expect more went on for years. The hardest thing you have to do, is to realise who he really is. It is not coincidental that you feel the way that you do - it's a choice he is making to allow it to happen. You will probably never know why. For him to refuse to prioritise your dental work, and to dismiss the importance of the pain you were experiencing is, for me, almost as bad as if he had physically caused that pain by hitting you. I don't know if this is useful but your description of your experiences resonated with my experience and I hope it does help you to make the right decisions for your situation.

“He kept shutting me down when I spoke and then said 'why are you still talking' 'just stop talking' in a really patronising way like you'd talk to a child.”

Tbh this makes me think the relationship has run its course. If you can’t speak and be heard without being shut down and disrespected, then there is no real relationship. That IS awful, not just meh.

OP the more you write about him, the worse he is.
He's sounds like a his way or the highway type of person and a fun sponge.

If you were to leave, you would get at least half the assets plus maintenance for the children.

What are you studying?

He would have them some of the time I assume so you would get a break. Next time his talking tell him to stop talking and see how he likes it he is annoying me and I don't even know hiM !

inheritanceshiteagain yup he totally resents me. He wants me to work but we both agreed- and he said he'd support me, to retrain. But despite him telling me he supports me, when we fight it always comes out that I'm not working and all my friends are blah blah.

madasawethen yeah well I am only telling all of you the worst of him! I wouldn't have married a monster, but at the moment I'm definitely not getting much of his good side.

I'm studying nutrition. I want to become a nutritional therapist or work for a company in that area. I finish in April so won't be able to work until then, and starting up a business is slow so I may look to work for a company initially.

Donotgogentle he doesn't usually shut me down so much, I think he's disatissfied with his work/job at the moment and is taking it out on me. There's NO excuse for that but I think that's whats going on. He apologised the other week for just this but then he does ahead and does it again.

Have to dash off but will come back later to comment but just wanted to let you know OP that I could have written your post word for word. It truly sucks doesn’t it.

OP - I left the "B" 9 years ago....and honestly he is not a BSTRD, just entitled and a poor communicator. I of course have my faults too.

I don't regret being single, I truly enjoy it, and I'm soooo bloody independent now, I can't really imagine ever wanting to live with anyone ever again, or even be in anything more than a casual relationship. In exchange I work all the time, cannot be a SAHP (even if I wanted to), have many jealous women be snipey at me, or try to convince themselves that I might be jealous of their (unattractive) husbands !! I'm in Ireland and currently working for a very conservative right wing company......so I'm probably experience some unusual backlash that the average separated woman may not be subjected to. In general, I notice when you are a free, independent woman, lots of people in insecure relationships want to degrade you a little, as you are holding up a mirror to their lives and showing it is possible to separate and they feel threatened by that. You have to be mentally very strong to deal with the burden of full financial independence and also societal disapproval.

Please exercise a little bit of caution and realize the feedback you get on Mumsnet is something of an echo chamber. It is all women of a certain age/space in life, who are all dealing with similar stresses and are not viewing this from a completely objective perspective. There can be an awful lot of projection as well. We are hearing one side of the story with snippets being shared in frustration and as a method of releasing. It's very easy to type LTB, and escalate everything out of proportion.......the reality of life is much different.

Before you LTB, or secretly plan to LTB, consider the alternatives. Better communication between the two of you. Counselling for yourself. Increasing your hobbies and inter-actions with others outside the home (would this help)?
Working towards more financial independence.

Tell your life partner how unhappy his communication style makes you feel, tell him you need to feel valued and he must be more empathetic to your needs. Tell him if you are in pain, he needs to realize that is a problem for the entire family and he needs to arrange the dentist, that is the agreement between two parents (one working in the home and one outside the home). You are holding up your end of the bargain by parenting full time, he needs to reassess his commitments to providing for you (that means providing and facilitating healthcare).

Setting up businesses when you have been out of the workforce for a long time is a very lofty aspiration. As you know, you will most likely need to work in a salaried position first. Do you know what the going rate for a position that you are genuinely likely to get is? Check this out first. Then you will be working full time and also be a parent, assess how much time you can devote to building a business after all of life's other commitments. Yes, it's possible, but really be prepared to view your future plans with a balanced perspective.

Take care of yourself. I hope my post will be received as it was intentioned, simply to take some of the wind out of the only option of LTB....consider the other options.

"It is all women of a certain age/space in life, who are all dealing with similar stresses and are not viewing this from a completely objective perspective"
MNers should not be pigeon holed like this, doing so is unhelpful also to the OP.

Outsiders who do not know the OP at all can get a better perspective from what she is writing. Some posters have similar experiences and even if they do not can recognise abuse when it is written about. His recent responses to the OP re the washing machine and the kids is abusive towards the OP and in turn these children. What are her children learning about relationships here?. A shedload of damaging lessons that is what.

Abuse is not about communication or a perceived lack of, it's about power and control. This man wants absolute over the OP and in turn her children. How is it that this entire household is happier when he is not there?. He disliking his job is no excuse nor justification for his actions towards the OP and when he is "nicer" to her that from him is really the nice/nasty cycle of abuse which is a continuous one.

Abuse is not a relationship problem.

Thank you Vatoftea for your perspective. I feel you could be right - I am only giving the 'bad' things, and offering out the 'arguements' so of course he's going to look like an abusive monster. And it does seem that people are far too happy to say LTB too. I do need to talk to him about the way he says things to me, the problem is in the past I've done this and he always comes back with the 'what about me' thing. Yes I'm not perfect but I get frustrated when I air my grievances and he just comes back with 'oh but I'm not happy with the way you do x, y and z so I never feel heard. I feel that counselling would stop this as the 3rd party would (hopefully) make him listen and then respond to my issues rather than him just throwing his issues back at me- but whether or not he'd agree to seeing someone I really don't know.

And thanks re the work advice.

I fee like, regardless of what I'm feeling now, I need to see how things go. I'm not rushing into anything. Maybe we've just hit a bump in the road, marriages can go through rough patches.

FrontRowSeat thanks, please do share, sometimes sharing helps get perspective on things x

If you're open to a different perspective:

It sounds like he is carrying your family, and has been for a long time. Over time having to shoulder such a burden results in massive stress, which can lead to lashing out - which is wrong but happens.

He sounds a lot more ambitious than you, and has a greater work ethic, perhaps something that attracted you to him a long time ago.

He has goals in his life (for both of you and your children) that he is working hard to achieve and feels you are not pulling your weight (appears to be the case but only you both will know this not us random people).

Your children sound fairly old now. Why don't you go back to work and ease the burden on him?

Alternatively if you're determined not to do that, at least step up at home - discipline and educate your children so that they will achieve success in the future with less monetary help from you both?

Your husband is acting as an authoritarian because he cares for the well-being of you and your children and wants you all to live a comfortable and successful life. If you and your children take the initiative to work harder towards that goal, he wouldn't need to push you, or treat you like a dependent.

Were the children in the room for this exchange? If so, you undermining him in front of the children isn’t right at all. I don’t understand how not watching tv after school is “sucking all the joy out of their life”? That’s white dramatic.

Was the decision to stay at home when you were made redundant, mutual? He seems to resent you for not working. Hopefully in 8months, that will be resolved .

120go If you read my post you'd know that I'm studying right now so I can get a better career and pay than I could have in the past. I've been a SAHM bringing up 3 kids and so have definitely been 'pulling my weight' keeping the home running and looking after the children, cooking, cleaning etc.

I am open to other perspectives but your post does seem to suggest I'm not pulling my weight. I'm sure that's not what you meant.

HikingforScenery No, the conversation was between us, not in front of the kids. I have nothing against them not watching TV after school (however our kids don't do this anyway) it was referring to him being all or nothing in his punishments- he always goes to extremes. He was saying they would have no TV ALL week. Whereas I was suggesting we do something firm but fair and if they've done their homework and music THEN they can watch their favourite 1/2 hour of TV after dinner. I think thats fair. But I know everyone is different.