Marriage not awful just meh

[sunshine05]

I'm finding myself, more and more, fantasizing about what it would be like without my hubby. Sometimes even wishing he'd just cheat on me so I could leave him. I feel awful typing this as thinking it is one thing, typing it makes it look awful. We have an ok marriage, but time and time again (he's an alpha male type personality) he'll take things out on me (esp if things aren't going right for him job wise for eg.) and he'll have a go at me, I'll get upset....eventually he'll see he's been unreasonable and he'll apologise. And repeat. I'm sick of it. We have 3 kids together and live a pretty good life but I just keep thinking there has to be someone out there that's better suited for me. Someone more loving, more kind, who makes me laugh. He's so set in structure and routine, as soon as he gets back from business trips it's all 'do this, do that' to the kids, they get harassed and nagged constantly. I feel so much more relaxed when he's away. But I feel like all these reasons aren't enough to make a case for separation. I don't know what I want, I just keep thinking these thoughts. I'm studying at the moment and not earning so also feel like I rely on him for money which isn't good. I'll be earning next year onwards so maybe I need to wait, see how I feel in a year or so. I also wouldn't want to turn the kids life upside down just when they're entering their teens. Anyone else relate to this?

Same here OP.

I stay with him because:

• I have a nicer lifestyle because of him (i.e. big house, nice area)
• I couldn't bear not seeing the kids all the time, and
• I couldn't stand it if we split and he got with another woman and she got to spend time with my kids.

In solidarity OP

I think all the rules are because he likes to control his own life too- he'll stop drinking whilst he's training for sports events, he'll never miss a training session. So if I missed a day of exercise I'd planned he'd criticise me too as he's harsh on himself and others. But sometimes I just think ffs just relax, sit on the sofa and drink some effing wine and enjoy yourself! There's not enough impulsive fun and laugher in our house 😔

I see a lot of my friends marriages are a bit like this op. It's a certain time of life isn't it. People do seem to have to weigh things up. Of course you wouldn't just up and leave a family at the drop of a hat... but maybe things can be improved?

Can you get some relationship counselling to try to make things better?

Poseidensgrumpyneighbour thanks for your input- I can relate a lot to what you've said. And I agree, sometimes its going so well and I would hate to see our family split up. Sometimes I feel so sure we shouldn't be together, other times I hate the thought of us split up....

In the same position here. What stops me taking action and leaving, is anticipating how difficult he would make things if we split. He wouldn't be accommodating around the kids & access, he wouldn't put the kids' feelings above his own, wouldn't keep things (even superficially) harmonious for the kids' sake... He would make life incredibly difficult and that's what I don't want to put the kids through.

idonotmind yep I agree with all of those things! Financial security may not be a good reason to stay with someone but it sure does have a huge impact on everything!!

DrivingCadillacsInOurDreams I've thought of this too. I've seen how cold and nasty he can be during a fight so I worry too that things would be painful and acrimonious if we split. I think he'd want the best for the kids but I don't doubt there'd be moments of disrespect in front of them and even manipulation to get his way.

This post is excellent. Thank you.

FredrikaPeri yes we probably should get counselling but I'm not sure he even knows how I feel. He thinks that once we kiss and make up that all is fine again. I think I'm going to have to see how things go in the next 6 months or so

KangarooKenny the hormones definitely don't help! And I think maybe in this stage of our lives we're also tired, and probably tired of putting up with shit we don't have to put up with. When I look back on the early days of our relationship there were red flags, and arguments. If I could go back and make the decision to marry him now I'd say no. Maybe that tells me all I need to know about how things are going....

DrivingCadillacsInOurDreams

It is better for your kids and you to be together in a calmer home most of the time than to be in this current household with him 100% of the time. You cannot protect yourself, let alone them, from his abuses of you (and in turn them). What do you want to teach them about relationships and what are they learning here?.

I would think that sadly he is making life at home difficult for you all now because at heart he is abusive. He will indeed continue to be abusive towards you and your kids if you separate from him because this is who he really is.

I would also think that such a man would not bother much if at all about his children post separation given how he is treating you and in turn them now. Oh he may well bang on about wanting full custody or 50/50 blah blah etc but such men often say this as a way of punishing the mother; they know her achilles heel. Home life for these children as well as you is probably akin to a warzone. You're otherwise on edge all the time and you're all up against a volatile man. It's not your fault nor theirs that your H has decided to embark on his own private based war against you; such men hate women and all of them.

Sunshine05

I doubt your H would at all entertain counselling and its never recommended where there is abuse of any type within the relationship. You would do yourself NO favours at all by undergoing any form of joint counselling with him.

Please go to any counselling sessions by yourself. You are not emotionally safe enough to undertake any joint sessions with him, you will not have any say and he could well attempt to manipulate the counsellor into taking "his" side.

Also abuse is NOT a relationship problem. Couples often enter couple’s therapy to fix their relationship. Deciding whether or not the relationship is better is extremely hard for a couple if one is being abused. The abuser has all of the power and can no longer gauge if a relationship is getting better because he does not see what their partner sees. The abused partner often cannot even rate how bad or good the relationship is because the abuse has affected her.

Your boundaries are being further skewed by this man and the longer you remain with him, the more skewed those will become until you think it's an absolute impossibility to leave. Please do not kick the can down the road by waiting until next year. It will just merely give him more time and opportunity in which to further grind you down and otherwise abuse you.

For the sake of your children you need to leave him sooner rather than later.

My father worked away for a lot of my childhood...between the ages of 9 to 20. Like yourself, my mother was a lot happier when he was away...like your husband, my father would come back, throw his weight around for the month or so he was here, upset everybody and leave again. I was always so pleased when he left and dreaded him coming home. There were other problems too, he cheated on my mother for the whole of their marriage. My mother was also a stay at home mother and it was always made clear that it was my father's money, not hers...

The older myself and my two brothers got, the worse my father got. There was no love between him and my mother, and precious little shown to us. He waited until my younger brother turned 18 and then left for another woman. The family home (we'd barely had it 4 years as he'd refused to buy for 20 years) had to be sold...due to bank costs, solicitor costs etc my mother ended up with hardly anything. With no job she couldn't buy herself, either. She now lives back where I was born in a tiny housing association flat on a disability pension. She blames a friend of hers for 'persuading' her not to leave my father the previous time he'd cheated, 3 years previously...the truth was my mother liked the lifestyle more.

You really need to get back in work and get yourself financially independent.

The question you must always ask is ‘am I happy’, and you’re clearly not. Life is too short for things to just be “meh”. I remember a therapist telling me that the vast majority of women who leave their husbands wish they’d done so earlier. Indeed, they often feel angry with themselves for the time they’ve wasted. Very few regret it. Btw, if you do leave, don’t rush into new relationships. Being single is awesome. No way would I ever live with a man again.

I can completely relate to your situation. I have been married 22 years but I have 2 children who are ready to fly the nest and I know they would support me if I decide to go. H and I have had our ups and downs but have been through a lot together and are still standing. Ultimately he is a very good man and would make someone else happy I am sure but we just can't seem to take that leap. I've tried to spit up with him before and he moved out for a while but pleaded to come back and I felt so bad I agreed. Since then things have been pretty okish and I've had two close bereavements in that time and he has been fully supportive. I guess I just don't see us as a good fit anymore but I'm not sure I have the energy to address it now. I'm so emotionally exhausted at the moment to take on something monumental like that right now it just seems so overwhelming. In all honestly I'd like to experience single life and what that has to offer but I know the grass isn't always greener on the other side. I feel like we've been here before and he put all those decisions at my door and deep down I think he knows I'm not happy but won't engage with me on it. He also plays the victim very well and I feel if the decision was somewhat more mutual it would be alot easier to raise, implement and follow through. I literally feel the same and want him to tell me he wants to leave me but he doesn't / won't and I clearly don't currently have the balls to do it either. Sorry no real words of advice just alot of sympathy for your situation and watching this thread eagerly too for help to sort my head out. 

Financially, you won’t be as disadvantaged as you think you will be. You would be entitled to part of the assets you both have e.g. marital home.

If you often fight over money can you not try and resolve that huge issue without fighting?

Money is a fact of life. You as a household have a finite amount coming in each month, I am guessing as per the usual, you as a household have things that definitely need to be paid each month. Every month there are additional expenses, things like school uniform, insurances, holidays, Christmas, etc.

But after all this can you not be "given" some money for you, £100, £200, £300.....? That you use or save for teeth, hair etc.

Just talk about money as adults and as a household not who does what and earns what. Perhaps you just need a reset.

@Megadivamama

I feel if the decision was somewhat more mutual it would be alot easier to raise, implement and follow through
But as you know, it's always going to have to be a unilateral decision on your part! and it's never going to be easy. You're right to recognise how painful and exhausting it will be. That doesn't mean it's not worth doing, or that you won't find the resources within yourself to get through it somehow.

I know the grass isn't always greener on the other side.
Hang on, though, I kind of think it is. Regardless of whether you "find someone better" one day (although you probably will; or at least have fun trying!). Because there is nothing worse than dying of boredom. Imagine yourself in 30, 40 years' time, sitting on the sofa with him. What would you advise yourself now, if you could travel back in time?

I'll let you into a secret: The "someone better" you find is yourself. You learn and grow in ways that would never have been possible if you'd stayed together.

Keep observing how you feel from moment to moment and just make a note of how often you feel happy / bored / irritated.

It might help you to read Daphne Rose Kingma's "Coming Apart" -- I often recommend it on MN threads! I promise my name is not Daphne Rose Kingma!!!!!! but this book helped me enormously, and has helped friends too. There are some exercises at the back that are really worth doing. It helps you to understand what's really going on when it feels as though you're just trying to destroy everything: it's actually a positive, healthy process... just, erm, not much of a fun one. But it really helps to understand why it's happening.

The book might also, in your specific situation, help you to prepare... e.g. for the inevitable feelings that you can't bear to be without each other, are making a terrible mistake, etc etc etc. This is all a natural part of the process, unfortunately, but forewarned is forearmed! If you're lucky, you might even be able to work through the exercises together at some point.

Him preventing you from accessing family money to pay for essential health care is financial abuse.

@Alcemeg thank you so much for your advice. I've been thinking about my situation all day and it's wearing me down. I can't really fault him in any way and he seems to be even more attentive and considerate at the moment. I feel like he's trying but sadly I feel the spark has gone. I'm also conscious that there has been/ will be a lot of change in my life at the moment. I've not long lost both my parents and it's been difficult and my eldest is off to uni soon. I'm worried I'm acting out in my head because of all this but truthfully it hasn't felt right for a long time. Nothing too specific just boring and predictable and no fun or laughter. We are completely different people who have some how managed to last a long marriage and bring up two lovely children. Now at midlife I feel however there maybe more to look forward to but I'm worried I'm having a bit of a midlife crisis or at least that's what I'll be told. I've got anxiety sitting here just thinking about it! Im going to read that book you suggested because I need to get my head straight. The thought of us being like this in 5 years let alone 20 is depressing and having lost loved ones I know life is precious and we only have one chance. For my whole life I have put others first, children, my parents and their illnesses and my H and not wanting to break his heart. It just feels out of character and a bit selfish thinking like this but I know it's not really. If I don't put my wishes first who will? Thank you for taking the time to respond to me I really appreciate it.

I'm worried I'm having a bit of a midlife crisis or at least that's what I'll be told

and

It just feels out of character and a bit selfish thinking like this but I know it's not really.

It's brilliant that you already understand that these are completely natural feelings to have, and it doesn't make them right.

If I don't put my wishes first who will?
Exactly! - and, as you say, painfully highlighted by recent reminders that none of us live for ever.

Good luck, I really hope the book will help a lot. I can't recommend it highly enough.

I will be honest OP, what I don't like about being married (and I've been married 26 years) is I feel life is about me compromising constantly and I feel I need permission to do stuff . If I wanted to go and see my son for 4 days on my own I kind of feel obliged to 'seek permission' my H would say that's not the case, but it is really , as he makes a song and dance or says why doesn't he take me there etc- not the point really, I just want some space away without having more compromises . If I say I want to go on holiday with friends (bear in mind I'm 60) there's a reason it's a bad idea , place isn't where he would pick etc, etc and he comments constantly how he's amazed my friends have huge social lives that don't revolve around their partners. Everything feels like I'm the one always compromising because he won't, be it holidays, houses, even moving abroad etc. I've come to the conclusion that I'm not that keen on relationships unless it's with someone whose life doesn't revolve around doing stuff with me in all their spare time.

OP this sounds similar to me and my ex. The relationship was okay, it was a lot easier to stay together than to separate and I never felt like it was 'bad enough' to leave. I actually met someone else at work and started to develop feelings for them, nothing happened but I knew if I was feeling this way about someone else that was the final nail. We split and I felt guilty regarding DS, but I met someone new about a year later and its a revelation. Honestly if you feel this way the options are to try and reinvigorate things or to leave.

@Pengwinn I'm really glad things worked out for you! Well done for making such a brave move!

Honestly though, I am not sure about your suggestion that one option is to "reinvigorate things" 😉 ... that's easier said than done. I really think relationships sometimes just run their course, and efforts to "reinvigorate" things can involve a lot of self-denial.

I just came across this quote, which I think is relevant:

Poet and activist June Jordan on the pain of truth:
"As a child I was taught that to tell the truth was often painful. As an adult I have learned that not to tell the truth is more painful, and that the fear of telling the truth — whatever the truth may be — that fear is the most painful sensation of a moral life."

What got me through all the agony of a messy split was focusing on the idea that if I could just maintain my ultimate loyalty to Truth (including - the most difficult bit - learning to be honest with myself), things would somehow work out in the end. And they did.

Megadivamama sorry to hear you're going through some similar thoughts and feelings. It's so hard isn't it? I seem to yoyo daily on my feelings about him. Probably doesnt help that i'm in Perimenopause and I think my moods and feelings are more haywire because of it