Marriage not awful just meh

[sunshine05]

I'm finding myself, more and more, fantasizing about what it would be like without my hubby. Sometimes even wishing he'd just cheat on me so I could leave him. I feel awful typing this as thinking it is one thing, typing it makes it look awful. We have an ok marriage, but time and time again (he's an alpha male type personality) he'll take things out on me (esp if things aren't going right for him job wise for eg.) and he'll have a go at me, I'll get upset....eventually he'll see he's been unreasonable and he'll apologise. And repeat. I'm sick of it. We have 3 kids together and live a pretty good life but I just keep thinking there has to be someone out there that's better suited for me. Someone more loving, more kind, who makes me laugh. He's so set in structure and routine, as soon as he gets back from business trips it's all 'do this, do that' to the kids, they get harassed and nagged constantly. I feel so much more relaxed when he's away. But I feel like all these reasons aren't enough to make a case for separation. I don't know what I want, I just keep thinking these thoughts. I'm studying at the moment and not earning so also feel like I rely on him for money which isn't good. I'll be earning next year onwards so maybe I need to wait, see how I feel in a year or so. I also wouldn't want to turn the kids life upside down just when they're entering their teens. Anyone else relate to this?

If my DH said to me "why are you still talking", next thing he would be packing his bags. Your man is abusive.

SlouchingTowardsBethlehemAgain I think that's probably where I went wrong 13 years ago....the warning signs were there but I married him anyway. Now I have 3 kids and I'm undecided what to do. He does vary rarely say things like that in such a disrespectful way. TBH I was so shocked I kind of just brushed it off as I really couldn't be bothered with the drama. When he's in that sort of mood, if I'd cried and told him how disrespectful he was being he probably would have just brushed me off. Sometimes he sees it, and apologises, other times I literally have to point out what he's said and why I'm upset and it may take him a day before he realises he was out of order...

I’ve been reading this thread, and I’m in a similar situation, although when I think, “oh that sounds like us”, I then think, “oh but DH isn’t that bad” I’ve been with him for 22 years, married for 12, with a DS of primary school age. And I’m not sure if I love him anymore. I don’t “fancy” him anymore, and we hardly have sex, and when we do, I feel like I should, rather than out of love. I think my feelings changed in the last 2 years, maybe it’s covid and being around him for so long, that’s made me have these thoughts.
I think I do love him, and probably always will, but I think it’s as a friend. I would never class him as my soul mate, I’ve never gushed over him to anyone, even when we first got together.
I often feel like some of you have said, that I feel better, sometimes happier, on my own. Although I rarely get those moments, (being on my own) and I think that’s one of the things that bugs me, he doesn’t have any friends, so he is never out of the house unless I’m with him (or at work, but that’s now only 1 day a week due to wfh)
And because he doesn’t have any friends, he doesn’t like it when I go out with mine. I’ve become more stronger recently, and will go out even if he does go in a mood with me, but in our early years, before we were married, I’ve let friends down, by not going out when it’s been planned, and even missed my best friends hen do, because he didn’t want me to go.

Now I’m seriously considering leaving him, but like a lot of people, I’m scared about it upsetting our DS, worried about the financial side, keep doubting myself about my feelings, especially when he’s not in a bad mood, and I think about all the good times.
I’m turning myself up in knots.

The communication between you seems non-existent. Why can't you ask him what's bothering him? Why aren't you discussing the kids' homework

routines before the new school year starts? You're the SAHP - it's your area. He should be listening to you about what will work best. You really need to go to counselling.

urbandbuddha I often ask him whats wrong if hes in a mood, especially if it goes on for days. And no I'm not a SAHM anymore- well not in the traditional sense. I am still at home but I'm studying full time- which often also includes hours after school. He is actually more hands on with their homework than I am as it's often at a time when I'm cooking dinner for them all. I agree we need to agree on what they are and are not allowed to do before their homework and music is done. That's what often annoys me that he makes these sweeping statements -i.e. no tv all week, without consulting me first. We need to be on the same playing field so we can both work together

Swimintheocean it's hard isn't it when it's not bad most of the time. It's just not great! That's how it is with us. I have of course mentioned all the bad stuff on here but the majority of the time it's ok. (obviously it fluctuates and at the moment we might be having more of the bad times but then it'll swing the other way for a few weeks). We've always had mismatched sex drives which has caused issues in the past-well not a week goes by that he doesn't make some comment about how he never gets any. But it is pretty often so he seriously doesn't have much to complain about I don't think! I'm just too tired most of the time, sad but true. Kids, house, life, health issues have got in the way far too often...

@sunshine05 yes, it’s so hard, which is why I understand what you mean when you said you wish there was something (like them cheating) that would give you a reason to leave them. If my DH was in his worst moods all the time, it would be so much easier to leave him.
hope things go the way you want them to eventually