Marriage not awful just meh

[sunshine05]

I'm finding myself, more and more, fantasizing about what it would be like without my hubby. Sometimes even wishing he'd just cheat on me so I could leave him. I feel awful typing this as thinking it is one thing, typing it makes it look awful. We have an ok marriage, but time and time again (he's an alpha male type personality) he'll take things out on me (esp if things aren't going right for him job wise for eg.) and he'll have a go at me, I'll get upset....eventually he'll see he's been unreasonable and he'll apologise. And repeat. I'm sick of it. We have 3 kids together and live a pretty good life but I just keep thinking there has to be someone out there that's better suited for me. Someone more loving, more kind, who makes me laugh. He's so set in structure and routine, as soon as he gets back from business trips it's all 'do this, do that' to the kids, they get harassed and nagged constantly. I feel so much more relaxed when he's away. But I feel like all these reasons aren't enough to make a case for separation. I don't know what I want, I just keep thinking these thoughts. I'm studying at the moment and not earning so also feel like I rely on him for money which isn't good. I'll be earning next year onwards so maybe I need to wait, see how I feel in a year or so. I also wouldn't want to turn the kids life upside down just when they're entering their teens. Anyone else relate to this?

As usual 👏to Attila!

AttillatheMeerkat When I say butting heads, they don't physically fight. I meant my eldest is very like his father so they come to blows (verbally) and argue sometimes. They're both headstrong and stubborn. I don't need to be worried about my son, that DH will hurt him.
My father (rest his soul) was an amazing man- kind, quiet, funny and so respectful to my mum and us kids. Unfortunately DH's dad is a bit of a twat. And yes DH has some of his characteristics. I have seen how he is to his wife (hubby's mum) and sometimes disrespectful, grumpy, volatile. etc etc. Says it all really. No idea why I ended up marrying someone so different to my lovely dad. Actually I do, lack of self esteem. I married the first man who asked me as I didn't think I deserved any better.....that's the sad truth of it!!

Alcemeg its not clear from your message- so are you divorced? yes you make very good points. I don't want to get to 70, be unhappy and wish I'd left him!

Death by a thousand cuts. You might not be ready to end your marriage today, but one day you will be. Start planning for that day.

Is that something Attila wrote or a quote from somewhere? Thanks, something to think about!

It is but a short step between verbal and physical violence. Your H is being verbally violent towards his eldest child. It's of no surprise to me at all that his own father is a twat too; the rotten apple that is your H did not fall far from the rotten tree that is his family. History has a nasty habit of repeating itself and you're playing out the roles that your MIL has done.

You need to truly believe for your own self that you and in turn your kids deserve better. Counselling for your own self to rebuild your confidence, assertiveness and self worth here is absolutely worth doing.

the kids probably think it's a blissful family environment

yet

they get harassed and nagged constantly. I feel so much more relaxed when he's away

Don't fool yourself. They see exactly what's going on, they're not daft. Friends, neighbours and family might think you've got a blissful family environment, but your kids certainly don't. If you have to plead with your husband for essential dental treatment, they see you being treated like a second class citizen in your own home.

Work towards financial independance asap.

This. My parents claimed they stayed in an unhappy and toxic marriage because of us kids. It was a miserable awful home and they stayed because they were too scared to leave.

Not saying that’s your circumstances op, but I definitely think there is a trend to downplay how bad a relationship is and say you are staying for the kids when actually it’s a fear of the unknown.

im a single mum of two and pretty happy with it. It can be tough but I co parent well with ex and have a good life.

only you can decide if your relationship is worth staying but don’t use the kids as an excuse.

AttilatheMeerkat I didn't say he was being verbally violent. They have arguements sometimes. Which escalate to shouting - sometimes. No insults are exchanged. But yes I need to decide if I want to continue on being the peacemaker in the house, trying to keep the calm when things get volatile so easily. It's exhausting.

GreenManalishi yep the last bit- I definitely need to become financially independant asap! I've already got an interview lined up soon.

MsPincher thanks. They're not an excuse not to leave, I guess what I'm thinking through in my head is it's just not so simple with kids involved. If we didn't have children the decision would be so easy (well easier). Yes there are definitely things I'm scared of, mostly the fact that I have no money. The money he earns is 'our money'. I need to get my career off the ground. 8 months until I'm qualified....

It’s not that hard to be self sufficient op. Actually it’s enriching in a way. You don’t have to be « always always » working either - depends on your situation. Something wrong with the boiler? Call a gas engineer. You don’t need a penis to do that. It’s just part of being an adult.

being free of a bad relationship is amazing. I cannot imagine having sex with someone I don’t like or don’t want to be with. Or having them hang around my house nagging at me. Or making decisions about my teeth or health. Way better to be on your own if you are in a bad relationship.only you can decide if it’s bad enough.

My first marriage lasted nearly 20 years, that's how slow I was to act. I kept telling myself, like you, that the grass couldn't possibly be greener and that things weren't that bad. Actually, in retrospect, I couldn't believe it took me so long to wake out and get out! You'll find many, many threads on MN echoing this.

Mum was over 90 and almost completed immobile by the time dad died. I'm I am pretty sure she would have left decades ago if she's realised what the future held. Like a PP, she also told me she was staying for the sake of us kids. Even if you don't state that to your DC, it will be clear from your situation. I promise they notice more than you think they do.

MsPincher yes I guess I've naturally become co-dependent after 14 years of marriage. We both have our roles and if I was to leave then yeah I'd have to learn how do deal with it all myself- just like my mum did when my dad died.

Your post is exactly where I was five years ago.

Happier when he was not at home, wished he would break up with me etc. Each row left me feeling worse in spite of any apology. It was the death of love by a thousand cuts.

I walked on eggshells because I didn’t know what would set him off. I lost my self esteem and confidence. He was so adamant he was always right I started doubting myself. I was a mess and becoming unhappier year by year.

I started seeing a therapist at Easter. She validated my feelings and identified the nub of what was wrong. She said he treated me like a child, or more accurately he behaved like an irritable father. He got cross when I didn’t give him complete authority, or answered without the respect he thought he should have from me. Along the lines a father might say to a teenage daughter “who do you think you are talking to?” and “if you want to live in my house, you’ll do what I say”. Although he didn’t say those exact words, it’s how he acted.

I thought I was in an equal partnership, but I was wrong and that’s where the dissonance was.

I guess you have two choices. Try and get him to see how his behaviour is affecting you ie relationship counselling or start planning for an eventual divorce.

Im over 60 and had been married over 30 years. We are divorcing.Please don’t waste as much time as me.

Alcemeg yeah it's very easy to convince yourself it's not that bad, that maybe I'm imagining it's that bad. I think I gaslight myself sometimes, telling myself it's just my perimenopausal hormones making me over emotional. I am strong, and I will 'monitor' the situation. I'm not 100% sure what I should do now but I certainly won't take any disrespect. I do stand up for myself. I just want to make sure I do the right thing...

I have no doubt you are strong in some ways but you are really not fully able to protect yourself, let alone your children here, from him whilst you are all living under the same roof. He probably likes it when you are standing up for yourself as they see this as an additional challenge to take down.

thanks sleepymum50 this has given me a lot to think about. We should probably have counselling but I know he'd say it's a cost we can't afford right now.
Yes I think there's an imbalance in our relationship too. I feel like I can't 100% be myself - that might be sitting watching tv with a glass of wine during the week for eg. as we don't drink during the week. It's kind of something we decided on for better health but unlike him I'd be happy to break that rule now and then- but he's all black and white- it's a rule we can't break! ffs. If I actually sat down with a glass of wine during the week, my god I'd get comments, disapproval, mutterings about how I don't care about my health. It wouldn't be worth the grief. The weird thing is I've accepted these sort of 'rules' are normal. But I know they're not really.

I guess that's the 'controlling' element of him that also upsets me. It's subtle but it's there. It's not like he says I can't see my friends but for eg. I'm doing this course that he's basically paying for as I'm not working and he's said I must treat it like a full time job and not see friends during the week. He could have said honey I trust you to manage your time but no he kind of threatened me with 'you must work hard all day every day apart from the weekends' which made me so angry. Like you said sleepymum50 he's treating me like a child rather than an equal in that respect. But maybe by not working and not supporting myself I've kind of put myself in this position...

Parents or family members who routinely yell at one another in a verbally abusive manner, such as arguments over money, lifestyle choices, or other characteristics, can have an impact on children. As one example, a father who routinely yells at a woman may encourage the child to believe it’s okay to yell at women for a variety of reasons. In this way, it’s a form of emotional abuse.

Your FIL is an irritable man and your H his son is just like him. I would think your H treats his mother with a similar level of disdain or contempt just like you are. Men like this hate women, ALL of them.

Joint counselling is never recommended where there is abuse of any type within the relationship. You need to attend counselling sessions on your own because it is important you can talk in both a calm and safe environment.

This does not sound like a good environment for you or your children.

They are ''nagged'' and ''harassed'' and you are with a partner who ''takes things out on you'' and routinely upsets you who just seem to tolerate rather than genuinely love.

That would be enough for me to leave.

This is not a happy, healthy home for your kids or for yourself and you all will be much happier away from this. It also gives you and your husband a chance to find someone else who is more suited to their needs, although I do think your partner has some major issues in the way he treats others...

Start making plans and leave him.

Do you own the house together? can you get a part-time job while you are studying? do you have family and friends that can help you through this? there are always ways to find your independence even if it looks like a scary decision to make. If you are studying at university they usually have dedicated staff/access to a counsellor who you can talk to if you are struggling with stress/mental health and they might be able to support you while you make your ''escape''.

Make no mistake here, controlling behaviour is rooted in abusive behaviour. Abuse is about power and control.

What is he like when you do see your friends?. Does he go on about your choice of outfit and or ask you leading questions as to who you saw when you get home?. Have you actually stopped going out as often with your friends due to his attitude before and or after you get home?.

Frankly the more you write about him the worst he sounds. Who is he to tell you that you cannot see your friends because you're working on this course and to treat said course like a full time job?. Who died and made him king?. It's one rule for you and quite another for him.

And you have bloody well been working too; you've been raising his children and facilitating his career by doing this too!!!.

If I was in front of you now I would be literally handing you a copy of "Why does he do that?" by Lundy Bancroft and advising you to read it.

The weird thing is I've accepted these sort of 'rules' are normal. But I know they're not really.

So you're beginning to wake up, OP. It's a painful and disorienting experience.

The rule about wine consumption. The rule about seeing friends. The overriding rule that you must know your place and never question it.

From what you've said, I can guarantee that you would be amazed looking back from outside this relationship, realising what you have been putting up with for years.

I’ve felt like this for a long time, and these feelings intensified in peri menopause.
The one thing I will say though is that I’d say to myself, when he does ‘this’ I’ll go, but when he did ‘this’ I’d move the goal posts and not go.
I have wished he’d have an affair or say he’s had enough, but he never does, so I question whether it’s all in my head. I think hormones definitely have a part in it.

OP, I can understand where you are coming from with this. I have moments like this with DH. There's no-one else (certainly not for me and i'm very confident that there isn't for him either) and he is wonderful in many ways but there is an authoritarian streak in him that really seems to flare up at times and that I find very difficult - particularly because we have teens now and i'm seeing it play out with them.

Regarding financial independence - I do work but I was freelance for a few years - it was largely a practical measure, he has a much higher earning potential than I do and works long hours so it has made sense for me to be the one who is around more for the kids, and i'm grateful to have had the chance to be with the DC more. I work part-time now but earn much less than him so there is a bit disparity there and I think that is part of the problem. The thing is I've noticed that, over time, I have just conceded a bunch of stuff in order to avoid confrontation - a lot of it is very small and unimportant but piece by piece it contributes to a life that isn't quite the one I intended to live. It's not really his fault any more than it is mine - he works in an environment that is quite cut-throat and requires quick decisiveness and he also grew up in a very old-fashioned household in that it was very much divided down gender lines and also very authoritarian. And I grew up in an environment that was quite emotionally unstable and I was the one who smoothed things over, so we've both brought those habits into our marriage. Over time I've lost faith in my own ability to make good decisions, because he makes so many of them, and also lost track of what is it I really want or care about. I don't mean to sound like a martyr - I'm not at all, and I bear a lot of responsibility for this but we are where we are and I do find that I go through phases of having fantasies of being alone. And what you said about feeling a bit relieved when your DH is away sort of rang true for me. But there is another side to all this - when it's going well and I feel he's listening to me as well, taking on board the kids' perspectives too, and we're all rubbing along well as a family I feel so awful (and unreasonable) for even thinking about breaking up our unit.

Anyway, no solutions to offer, just chipping in to say that I understand the complexity of it.