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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

To think all men are bas**rds...??

139 replies

Louloudaisy2020 · 15/09/2022 07:33

Pretty much this really!

While I love women (and men) seeking advice and the support they get on here from the breakdown of marriages/relarionships/cheating etc. I can't help but feel it's a majority of the population and it's getting me down...

All I hear are stories of poor relationships, men with OW, doesn't help around the house, has no respect, doesn't help with the kids etc etc. Most of my friends are also I totally unequal relationships where their partner does 0 in all respects. I too have been there in the past.

Is this what we are all destined for in this generation??

Feed me some good stories and let's put some positivity out there in what seems like a world of negativity (whilst all still relevant and real) at the moment 🥰

OP posts:
Original poster
Louloudaisy2020 · 15/09/2022 12:11

meanderingthrough · 15/09/2022 10:43

You literally can't post anything on here without the keyboard warriors here to tear you down!
To be fair you've just torn into 50% of the population :)

I will take that one!

OP posts:
Original poster
Louloudaisy2020 · 15/09/2022 12:13

curious79 · 15/09/2022 09:57

I have a wonderful loyal husband. We both work, we have 3 kids combined after initial divorces. He cooks, helps out, makes me laugh.
If he slobbed about, did nothing, was rude (a) I would never have married him in the first place - that sort of behaviour doesn't appear out of nowhere (ladies - you need to have standards around values / behaviour, not looks, in the first instance), (b) I wouldn't stick around.

To paint all men like this is a sad indictment of what you see and what they are allowed to be like.

Oh absolutely agree! I, as well as all my friends, have been guilty of picking the shit ones and letting them get away with it! I hold myself partially responsible for the shit show of a previous relationship because I stook for it and stuck around, as do many others.

I'm not saying all men are awful, far from it. My dad, grandad and now partner are wonderful men.

OP posts:
Original poster
Louloudaisy2020 · 15/09/2022 12:15

emma1103 · 15/09/2022 09:40

My husband is amazing, and watching him become a dad had made me fall in love with him all over again, in a different way.

He's the best man I could possibly have asked for. All he wants to do is give us a happy life. He's the most hands on dad I know, and our daughter adores him.

When we lost our son last year he helped me keep it together, and was the only person I could talk to, or cry to. I genuinely don't know what I would do without him.

I'm so sorry to hear this. But at the same time so lovely to hear about your husband.

OP posts:
altmember · 15/09/2022 15:03

It's a self fulfilling prophecy - If you think all men are bastards then they will be.

LizzieW1969 · 15/09/2022 16:56

I have a lovely DH, 2 great BILs and know plenty of other decent men, including good friends and friends’ partners. So obviously I wouldn’t say that all men are abusers.

However, as a child I was sexually abused by my F and others, as was my DSis. I also know that far too many other women (and men) went through this too. And you can’t avoid the fact that the overwhelming majority of perpetrators were male.

I also know that far too many women are victims of DV/sex crimes at the hands of men. My DSis’s first husband was abusive towards her and I work for a charity that helps Central Asian women who are victims of abuse.

Plus all the accounts on here of regular sexual harassment in the streets. I did have experience of this when I was younger but I’m thankfully invisible now that I’m in my fifties and overweight.

The fact that I happen to know a lot of decent men now doesn’t make it less true that there are far too many men who are not. No one is saying that ‘all men are bastards’ but it is a lot more than the small minority some posters would have us believing!

OLP2019 · 15/09/2022 17:00

DeeCeeCherry · 15/09/2022 10:31

OLP2019
I wholeheartedly disagree and I'm sorry that you have had experiences that have shaped this perspective

I have a lovely DP we've been together years now. But unless youve been willfully disengaged for years and lack awareness of the world we live in - there is no way you could not know the levels of sexual harassment, at times dangerous, that women experience. Do you know the domestic violence stats?

If you become unaware just because you have a partner then that's pretty sad.

I said in my post that women dont stick together like men do and I stand by that. 'Men are all lovely there's no problem' = actively obtuse

This makes no sense - so because my experience with my dh and other males in my life has been positive I'm not aware of womens issues ? I've experienced sexual harassment myself thanks for asking but the op wasn't asking that it was a sweeping statement that all men are bad. That is not my experience but yes I have experienced some men being bad
Hope that helps clarify for you

Doingprettywellthanks · 15/09/2022 17:24

I reckon I have engaged with more very unpleasant women in my life then men by a significant margin.

I have read more stories of men being horror stories than women by a significant margin

AllAloneInThisHouse · 15/09/2022 17:51

I reckon I have engaged with more very unpleasant women in my life then men by a significant margin.

Never ceases to amaze me when this comment pop’s up.

Doingprettywellthanks · 15/09/2022 17:56

AllAloneInThisHouse · 15/09/2022 17:51

I reckon I have engaged with more very unpleasant women in my life then men by a significant margin.

Never ceases to amaze me when this comment pop’s up.

But why isn’t it relevant?

My experience of men is more positive than women (although pretty bloody positive if I’m honest!). So I throw in my experience.

sorru if that doesn’t fit with your experience

Doingprettywellthanks · 15/09/2022 17:56

“Although BOTH pretty bloody positive”

EmmaH2022 · 15/09/2022 17:57

I suspect I will be a lone voice but I think a lot has changed in 10 years

Before I joined MN, I'd have said that generally I am wary of men, but had the occasional boyfriend and friend, who were lovely. I have recently clocked that most of them were men who I had known myself, or known by sight, through others, either from school or work.

Barring those men, I had a lot of friends go through awful situations, much like the type you read on here.

I now don't date at all, but anyone who has raised my interest in the last 10 or so years has been very different to the nice chaps I met before. Internet and porn culture has changed things a lot, I think.

I fully realise that MN is not real life but my recent real life experiences, and those of people I know, are pretty grim. And they reflect a lot of what I see on here.

I am sure some women behave badly too but I think most of them stay single rather than in engage in relationships for weird reasons.

Pyewhacket · 15/09/2022 18:08

I work in ICU. We have a young girl in at the moment. She was run over by a lorry on her bike. Her skull was split in two and her brain was protruding through the break. Both her legs were broken and her entire pelvic area was crushed.

I had the emergency team who stabilised her at the roadside ( all men ) call me to see how she was doing. I then had the entire surgical team who spent seven hours on their feet saving her life, drop in to see how she was getting on. They are all men apart from two theatre nurses. I had the fire engine crew and police officers call to see how she was getting on.

I gave her one last check before hand over. She was breathing normally without being tubed and all her vital signs were good. At that point, as I lent over, she grabbed my arm, opened her eyes and looked straight at me and with eyes the size of saucers ......" am I still alive ?. ". Yes I said, and your mum and dad and waiting to see you. She smiled back with tears streaming down her face.

Yes, all men are bastards !!!!!!!!.

EmmaH2022 · 15/09/2022 18:10

Pye I haven't read the whole thread but I didn't think anyone was questioning their humanity or professionalism.

the most awful man I know, regarding women, worked on Covid wards throughout. I'm sure he is an excellent doctor, but one thing has nowt to do with the other.

AllAloneInThisHouse · 15/09/2022 18:31

@Pyewhacket
Is it that their jobs though?

BigFatLiar · 15/09/2022 18:56

AllAloneInThisHouse · 15/09/2022 18:31

@Pyewhacket
Is it that their jobs though?

No, their job was to sort out the accident or to perform the surgery etc. The rest is just them wanting to know she's safe and recovering (not their job just decent people)

AllAloneInThisHouse · 15/09/2022 18:58

I didn’t ask you bigfart

missbipolar · 15/09/2022 18:59

Nobody posts when they don't have problems so your not seeing a true reflection

mindutopia · 15/09/2022 19:06

My Dh is wonderful. Yes, he irritates the shit out of me some days (I do for him as well…and apparently I also snore now as I’ve gotten older and fatter 😬). But he’s a great guy, supports my career even as the higher earner, shares the load mostly equally (though I’ve often worked less). No cheating or even a hint of it/any suspicions in all these years. Lots of lovely friends who really care about him and support us. He’s great.

BUT I did sink my claws into him at 21! I suspect the good ones go quite quickly and don’t come up available again later in life.

Runmybathforme · 15/09/2022 19:10

Well, the majority of men I've met are definitely not bastards. Women can be just as bad in their own way. Obviously , only women with a problem are going to post here.

brookstar · 15/09/2022 20:39

No, not all men but lots of men.

My DH is wonderful but he definitely seems like an exception rather than a rule.

DucklingDaisy · 15/09/2022 20:45

I’m a SAHM to a preschooler and baby. I’ve run up a sleep deficit and am feeling shattered today. Despite being out late last night (he’s not out drinking regularly, was a work award ceremony) he’s encouraging me to go to sleep now while he deep cleans the kitchen and deals with laundry.

Day to day, I do a bit more house stuff and most of the cooking, because as I said SAHM, but he does a lot of household stuff too, especially at weekend, lots of admin, and if he’s not working late semi-regularly does stuff like this in the evening.

He is appreciative of me, respects my opinions and has never treated his salary as anything other than shared money since I stopped working after our first child. (We’ve discussed and agreed me going back when my second is 2 or 3.)

We do quarrel sometimes, as I think is common when you have young kids. Sometimes he’s definitely the one in the wrong, and I could give examples of him being a dickhead. Sometimes it’s me, though. Our relationship is not at all unequal despite the current ‘traditional’ set up.

DucklingDaisy · 15/09/2022 20:50

Nobody will post things like this on Mumsnet, except in response to threads like this. The Relationships board is populated by people having major issues so you won’t get a representative picture.

I do think there’s a lot of lazy, sexist arseholes about, though. I’ve heard some terrible things from/about the lives of friends and friends of friends. I’m not sure it’s the majority but it’s not rare.

Hollowgast · 15/09/2022 21:28

I'm a bloke and agree with you. There's just so much crapness, piss taking and violence. I hate it.

Toob · 15/09/2022 21:43

altmember · 15/09/2022 15:03

It's a self fulfilling prophecy - If you think all men are bastards then they will be.

These words could only be out of the mouth of a man .

i guess the millions of women sexually harrassed raped and murdered were just spending too much time thinking about what bastards men are…

hedgehogscrossing · 15/09/2022 21:52

I also think in real life people who have healthy loving and happy relationships don't talk about them much, they just get on with life. Two of my friends who talk A LOT about their relationships have pretty awful ones.