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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

To think all men are bas**rds...??

139 replies

Louloudaisy2020 · 15/09/2022 07:33

Pretty much this really!

While I love women (and men) seeking advice and the support they get on here from the breakdown of marriages/relarionships/cheating etc. I can't help but feel it's a majority of the population and it's getting me down...

All I hear are stories of poor relationships, men with OW, doesn't help around the house, has no respect, doesn't help with the kids etc etc. Most of my friends are also I totally unequal relationships where their partner does 0 in all respects. I too have been there in the past.

Is this what we are all destined for in this generation??

Feed me some good stories and let's put some positivity out there in what seems like a world of negativity (whilst all still relevant and real) at the moment 🥰

OP posts:
OLP2019 · 15/09/2022 09:26

Thedungeondragon · 15/09/2022 08:59

Most of the men I know are decent people, including my DH and DS. That is not to say they are perfect, they all have their faults, but then so do the women I know.

This is exactly it !! My dad my husband and my brother in law are all kind and decent people who also sometimes do something wrong - just like my mom my sister and me

Original poster
Louloudaisy2020 · 15/09/2022 09:28

Thank you to everyone who's posted some lovely things :) It's just nice to actually see some positivity on here, all I ask.

To everyone else -

  1. Yes I know plenty of decent men
  2. I don't think all men are bastards, the title was more to get attention.
  3. No I would never tell my children this. Stop being so stupid.
  4. There will be no article
  5. Yes, there are also some awful women out there
  6. Everyone else being dicks, go away!

You literally can't post anything on here without the keyboard warriors here to tear you down!

OP posts:
OLP2019 · 15/09/2022 09:30

felulageller · 15/09/2022 08:59

Oh great all the NAMALT'ers are out in force.

We live in a patriarchy.

Men are privileged in a patriarchy.

Women as a sex class are institutionally discriminated against at home, in public, at work, in education.

Just because a handful of women say their 'D'P does the dishes doesn't change this.

I don't disagree with you and I would admit that just as my mother (who had a busy career herself ) did I take the weight of the home tasks just because - and I feel resentful about that for sure
But I also don't think my husband is a bad person irs a weird dichotomy for sure

Original poster
Louloudaisy2020 · 15/09/2022 09:30

DillDanding · 15/09/2022 08:48

I disagree.

With the exception of 2, every man I know is a decent one.

Good dads, husbands, sons, friends and neighbours - the lot of them.

Mumsnet would have you believe all men are bastards and all mother in laws are evil.

Your last sentence is exact this.

As I said in my OP, I love the support on here, and whilst it's the reality for some, it provides a really warped opinion on the majority of relationships.

OP posts:
OLP2019 · 15/09/2022 09:32

Tntw · 15/09/2022 08:00

You ask for good stories but what if the reality for many of us is that many or most men we know are cheaters , have porn addictions , are violent or some other horrible things …. Should we pretend good men are the majority of this is not what we honestly believe

I won’t say all men are bad but I certainly will say that imo a very very large number of them are entitled , sexual creeps and or worse .

Sorry there are those people who will tell women with these experiences that they are the problem and must be associating with the wrong men .
obviously these people are not reading the newspapers on women being raped and killed by men daily or looking at the sexual harassment and assault of women and girls

There are some good men but imho they are in a the minority

I'm sorry that's your experience I can genuinely say that my ex boyfriends my husband my father my friends husbands and fathers would not typically meet your mold

Original poster
Louloudaisy2020 · 15/09/2022 09:33

Talon01 · 15/09/2022 08:05

Men act badly and so do women. The difference on this forum seems to be in a man's case he's terrible if it's a woman then there's a reason so she isn't accountable. You can apply that to most modern relationships if you take out the genuinely nasty abusers.

Oh 100% agree, they do. Women are not perfect.

However, let's be realistic here, the 50/50 thing isn't where it should be! We still live in an age of women doing all the work.

OP posts:
DeeCeeCherry · 15/09/2022 09:33

Most men are bastards. Just some are less so than others. Men tend to stick together like glue, in a way that women do not.

For as many men who bitch about women online, especially attractive women, there are women gleefully sticking the boot in too. Spurring on sexist, entitled creeps.

Incels and misogynists are a whole other level. But very rare are the so called "good" men who will call them out or try to regulate their friend/male relative's sexist behaviour towards a woman.

A man can be lovely to his mum, partner, sisters. Doesn't mean at all that he's lovely to other women so there are 'levels' to lovely, really

youlightupmyday · 15/09/2022 09:34

My Dad, an asshole. My brother charming, but essentially a sexist, aging lothario (women are meant to be younger and pretty).

My ex husband a complete gent. One of his brother's, under wanker. The other gentle like him. His dad nice, though still had sexist views around cooking etc

Even my partner, whilst never unfaithful and very warm, loving and domesticated, completely believed that men and their time were superior and had incredibly selfish moments until I met him at 50. We had a very fiery first 18 months.

OLP2019 · 15/09/2022 09:34

Pengwinn · 15/09/2022 08:26

People are less likely to post about how wonderful and supportive their partners are, either as a new thread for the sake of it or commenting when someone else is struggling. People tend to post when they need advice or support so invariably you see many more negative posts. Some men are bustards yes, just like some women are horrible and nasty- but by no means all.

I've seen a few people try and start tjeee thread and get shot down on here

CatsAreCrackers · 15/09/2022 09:36

felulageller · 15/09/2022 08:59

Oh great all the NAMALT'ers are out in force.

We live in a patriarchy.

Men are privileged in a patriarchy.

Women as a sex class are institutionally discriminated against at home, in public, at work, in education.

Just because a handful of women say their 'D'P does the dishes doesn't change this.

My DH is not perfect, no-one is. However, he is a far better person than I am, he is patient, kind, hard working, did more than his fair share of parenting our child. When we met I was a truly horrid, angry person, and I took it all out on him. I genuinely have no idea why he stayed, he obviously saw something in me that I didn't. If I saw someone now in the same relationship I would tell him to run, far and fast. Over two decades later, I am a totally different person, calmer, kinder and it's all down to him, he basically saved my life.

So I will loudly say NAMALT. Because it's the truth. Being called a NAMALTer is not the insult you mean it to be. It just means that some people realise that everyone is an individual and should be recognised as such and not clumped as an homogenous bunch due to the actions of some of the same sex.

OLP2019 · 15/09/2022 09:39

DeeCeeCherry · 15/09/2022 09:33

Most men are bastards. Just some are less so than others. Men tend to stick together like glue, in a way that women do not.

For as many men who bitch about women online, especially attractive women, there are women gleefully sticking the boot in too. Spurring on sexist, entitled creeps.

Incels and misogynists are a whole other level. But very rare are the so called "good" men who will call them out or try to regulate their friend/male relative's sexist behaviour towards a woman.

A man can be lovely to his mum, partner, sisters. Doesn't mean at all that he's lovely to other women so there are 'levels' to lovely, really

I wholeheartedly disagree and I'm sorry that you have had experiences that have shaped rhis perspective

Badger1970 · 15/09/2022 09:39

I'm annoyed with myself for what I tolerated during our early marriage. DH was fucking useless with the kids, and only ever looked out for himself. As years have gone by, I've grown in confidence and don't tolerate any of his crap. We are very much equals in our marriage now, and from what I've seen of my DD's, they don't tolerate crappy behaviour either.

And in many ways, I envy DH's ability to always look out for himself first. I've spent a lifetime putting everyone's needs before my own, and I'm not sure that my life has been better/easier for it.

emma1103 · 15/09/2022 09:40

My husband is amazing, and watching him become a dad had made me fall in love with him all over again, in a different way.

He's the best man I could possibly have asked for. All he wants to do is give us a happy life. He's the most hands on dad I know, and our daughter adores him.

When we lost our son last year he helped me keep it together, and was the only person I could talk to, or cry to. I genuinely don't know what I would do without him.

Tntw · 15/09/2022 09:44

marvellousmaple · 15/09/2022 09:04

Not true. Otherwise most women would be dead. Stop being ridiculous.

Show quote history

Clearly you didn’t read what I wrote or chose to ignore it . Is aif women end up sexually abused harrassed , revenge porn , raped OR dead

MOST women have experience in the least sexual harassment !!!! Many many millions more have experineced sexual harassment or rape
women killed every three minutes in some cities in the world BY MEN

stop being ridiculous and learn to read

thenewduchessoflapland · 15/09/2022 09:51

TurtleCavalryIsSeriousShit · 15/09/2022 08:39

My DH is great... BUT... he wasn't always. We went through a few tough years where he was pretty selfish and I don't know why I stayed with him, tbh. It's really still a mystery to me. He wasn't abusive, just very selfish.

And then... he sort of slowly changed into the man I thought he could be. Let me be clear.. I DIDN'T CHANGE HIM. That is not possible.

But he's evolved (for lack of a better word). He now does most things in the house. He's respectful. He adores me and the children. I can't tell you how it happened, but he is amazing. I love him very much and am very grateful that I didn't leave him in our younger years. I am happy to grow old with him.

However, I wouldn't wish what we went through on anyone and would still advise them to leave if they are not happy.

Your post has struck a cord with me as this is myself and my husband;like your husband mine has had to change himself;for the better.

With mine it's come from counselling;it's forced him to come to some self realisation about what's needed to change in his life and it's made an enormous difference and he's so much happier in himself which has been the biggest factor in it.

curious79 · 15/09/2022 09:57

I have a wonderful loyal husband. We both work, we have 3 kids combined after initial divorces. He cooks, helps out, makes me laugh.
If he slobbed about, did nothing, was rude (a) I would never have married him in the first place - that sort of behaviour doesn't appear out of nowhere (ladies - you need to have standards around values / behaviour, not looks, in the first instance), (b) I wouldn't stick around.

To paint all men like this is a sad indictment of what you see and what they are allowed to be like.

KILM · 15/09/2022 10:06

There's some absolutely wonderful men out there, my DP being one of them. By any measure.
However there are some crap ones. I've had some crap exes and i know people with crap DH's.
All the people going 'my DH is great and my brothers and friends etc are wonderful so you are wrong' that is fantastic thats your experience, im genuinely really pleased for you. But is it so hard to believe that that is NOT everyone's experience? I know some absolutely wonderful men but im under no illusion that there's some real dicks out there.

However having said that, we know as a society that:
Expectations of men and women can be very different.
Again, not everywhere in every setting, but expectations can be a lot lower for men and a lot higher for women.
Taking anecdotal examples here:

A wife of a friend is known by people he works with as 'controlling' and 'lazy' and when pressed on this the reasons given are that she is a SAHM but he 'has to' cook dinner when he gets home from work (...he loves cooking and talks about it all the time) and she insists on having a single 'family day' at the weekend so they spend time with their young son together (because he works full time and their son is nearly in bed when he gets home, plus they have elderly parents who need a lot of support at weekends) he has never complained about either those things, yet she is seen as 'bad' by others.

A husband of someone i work with is known as a 'great dad' because he looks after the kids 'all by himself!!' one morning a week and posts pictures of him doing activities with the kids on fb. However through conversation with this woman its clear he buggers off nearly all weekend every weekend to do his hobby leaving her alone with the kids, doesnt do any bedtimes or dinners or packing lunches etc etc despite working similar hours, loses his temper at normal kid behaviour regularly...need i go on.

Equally, im sure the opposite is true in many cases, but yeah, expectations and peoples bar of 'good' and 'bad' can vary wildly...

QuinkWashable · 15/09/2022 10:20

I'm sure there's decent men about - I know some that certainly seem to be, even though so far I've generally picked bastards (a couple weren't, and we just weren't compatible)

But, I will say, for the first time in my life, I have female friends, and it's a totally different experience. Even little things like when I have people round for a coffee - women (as a general rule) tidy after themselves, men (again, as a general rule) just leave it. It's little things like that, that come from social expectations that snowball into not pulling their weight and entitlement.

HoneyIShrunkThePizza · 15/09/2022 10:27

My husband is wonderful. Clever, capable, incredibly kind, does more childcare than me, earns a high salary, contributes around the house, good sex life...HOWEVER I've read so many horror stories on here of 'perfect' men having midlife crises and just turning out of the blue so I keep my career and pension healthy and make sure I have my own life. I do feel like you just never know!

DeeCeeCherry · 15/09/2022 10:31

OLP2019
I wholeheartedly disagree and I'm sorry that you have had experiences that have shaped this perspective

I have a lovely DP we've been together years now. But unless youve been willfully disengaged for years and lack awareness of the world we live in - there is no way you could not know the levels of sexual harassment, at times dangerous, that women experience. Do you know the domestic violence stats?

If you become unaware just because you have a partner then that's pretty sad.

I said in my post that women dont stick together like men do and I stand by that. 'Men are all lovely there's no problem' = actively obtuse

meanderingthrough · 15/09/2022 10:43

You literally can't post anything on here without the keyboard warriors here to tear you down!
To be fair you've just torn into 50% of the population :)

Tntw · 15/09/2022 10:47

DeeCeeCherry · 15/09/2022 10:31

OLP2019
I wholeheartedly disagree and I'm sorry that you have had experiences that have shaped this perspective

I have a lovely DP we've been together years now. But unless youve been willfully disengaged for years and lack awareness of the world we live in - there is no way you could not know the levels of sexual harassment, at times dangerous, that women experience. Do you know the domestic violence stats?

If you become unaware just because you have a partner then that's pretty sad.

I said in my post that women dont stick together like men do and I stand by that. 'Men are all lovely there's no problem' = actively obtuse

I can’t agree more . A massive part of the problem is women not acknowledging the experiences of other women . Sure they may have a great husband or brother or whatever but do they just close their eyes to the fact the women are being murdered by men who claim to love them. Do they pretend women are not being sexually harassed and assaulted daily. That more and more violent porn is being created and consumed
who do they think is creating this demand … do they think it’s mostly women or a handful of men
supporting a multi billion dollar industry ?

do they think the domestic violence services for women who are beaten and abused by men are not overwhelmed with cases - because if so they are wrong .

There are not five percent of men commiting sexual harassment that the majority of women have experienced at some time in their lives

Many men who turned out to be a creep or worse had some woman saying he’s a decent husband or Father etc at some stage in their lives as they didn’t show all sides of themselves

OrlandointheWilderness · 15/09/2022 10:52

My DB, DF, GF and DP are all lovely, kind, decent and generous men. I would trust each and every one of them with everything precious to me.

AllAloneInThisHouse · 15/09/2022 10:54

YANBU, many - most men are problematic.
They really do not like women, that’s for sure.

But I agree with the pp’s who said that trying to claim that there are lots of good men out there or ignoring how deeply so many men hate women, is a bad idea.
It’s really good that women know the reality of men, the younger the better.

I’ve seen articles that say more and more women are choosing to stay single and are celibate.
I wish these brave women all the best.
There are women who are seeing the reality and rather stay single!

ComtesseDeSpair · 15/09/2022 12:00

I think the problem is that a lot of women, for whatever reason, marry and / or have children with men who they know to be somewhere on the spectrum of shit, thinking that they can change them. Yes, I’m sure it’s true that a small minority of shit men are truly wonderful and then suddenly change into horrors once married or a baby arrives; but the vast majority of threads started by a woman at the end of her tether with a shit partner also reveal that there was shitty behaviour right from the start which was ignored or glossed over.

There’s a thread currently running on this board as an example. He’s “only” verbally abused the OP a couple of times in the two years they’ve been together. “Only” told one massive lie. They’ve “only” broken up once. He “only” behaved like a prick for X Y Z reasons. He doesn’t want to have sex with her, she can count how many times they’ve had sex this year. But he’ll change, right, because she’s pregnant now and they are so happy about it and she just knows they’ll have the best life together.

I’ll warrant in a couple of years’ time she’ll be back posting about her awful relationship that she doesn’t know how to leave because she has a young child and would struggle financially and with childcare and wanting advice. But right now, she doesn’t want to hear it and is getting very uppity with posters trying to tell her that this is a shit man.