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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

To think all men are bas**rds...??

139 replies

Louloudaisy2020 · 15/09/2022 07:33

Pretty much this really!

While I love women (and men) seeking advice and the support they get on here from the breakdown of marriages/relarionships/cheating etc. I can't help but feel it's a majority of the population and it's getting me down...

All I hear are stories of poor relationships, men with OW, doesn't help around the house, has no respect, doesn't help with the kids etc etc. Most of my friends are also I totally unequal relationships where their partner does 0 in all respects. I too have been there in the past.

Is this what we are all destined for in this generation??

Feed me some good stories and let's put some positivity out there in what seems like a world of negativity (whilst all still relevant and real) at the moment 🥰

OP posts:
TheFlis12345 · 15/09/2022 08:47

I find it really sad that some women have so many negative experiences of men. The majority of men I know are decent, honest, kind and generous. My husband, father and FIL are the kindest and most thoughtful people I know. The arseholes really are the minority, you just hear more about them.

DillDanding · 15/09/2022 08:48

I disagree.

With the exception of 2, every man I know is a decent one.

Good dads, husbands, sons, friends and neighbours - the lot of them.

Mumsnet would have you believe all men are bastards and all mother in laws are evil.

GhostFromTheOtherSide · 15/09/2022 08:49

I posted a thread many years ago saying my dh was lovely and was torn to shreds because it was insensitive to women who post here about their bad relationships.

Statistically just as Many women cheat as men, and it’s always worth bearing in mind that the men who cheat on here do so with women so I think that makes part of the issue pretty equal.

C1N1C · 15/09/2022 08:50

Some have touched on this above... it's sad to say, when posting in places like this, most people are not praising their other halves, so your impressions of men are going to be somewhat warped (hopefully as people have said, this is not representative!). You'll see the amazing men on the Instagram posts because these are pictures from women showing off to the world, but the association isn't really made, it's just a "that's nice, keep scrolling" sort if thing... the stories in here actually resonate.

BatteryPoweredMammy · 15/09/2022 08:51

Where do you plan to publish your article?

sumosaussage · 15/09/2022 08:52

TheFlis12345 · 15/09/2022 08:47

I find it really sad that some women have so many negative experiences of men. The majority of men I know are decent, honest, kind and generous. My husband, father and FIL are the kindest and most thoughtful people I know. The arseholes really are the minority, you just hear more about them.

Those with bad experiences usually do so for a reason

And this isn't victim blaming before people jump to that

But it's a well known and observed phenomenon that women with low standards often suffer through multiple bad men

They often see bad men at home, starting young, then don't understand or know how to model a positive relationship, they're vulnerable at this stage and therefore don't look out for red flags, many won't even know what to look out for.

They'll have a shit relationship then go on and have another shit relationship, and again. Some might get lucky and break the cycle, others are doomed to repeat it and end up on here, aged 40, moaning that all men are bastards

ClaudineClare · 15/09/2022 08:55

My advice to my younger self would be that there are some wrong 'uns out there, but lots of men are nice enough. Just don't live with them otherwise you will very likely end up as cheif cook and bottle washer.

Featuredcreature · 15/09/2022 08:57

Talon01 · 15/09/2022 08:05

Men act badly and so do women. The difference on this forum seems to be in a man's case he's terrible if it's a woman then there's a reason so she isn't accountable. You can apply that to most modern relationships if you take out the genuinely nasty abusers.

Go on any male majority site and defend women in a thread moaning about them. I dare you. Women are allowed to complain, stop being such a dick.

ClaudineClare · 15/09/2022 08:57

My observation is based on women I know fron 20s to 60s. It is sad that younger men are not much different than older men when it comes to the inequality of running a household. I hoped that things were better these days, but seems not.

Draincover · 15/09/2022 08:59

Our relationship is awkward and I could recount incident upon incident of unfairness and unreasonableness. And the screwed up dynamic of it all.

However it's also fantastic, and partner is one in a million.

My Mum has a theory that there is an ever dwindling pool of decent men. Said something about phones up there noses in tracksuits. That made me laugh. But surely if IQs increase from generation to generation, and with the advent of the Internet, surely they are better than ever in many respects?

safetyfreak · 15/09/2022 08:59

There are lovely men out there but, there are also ALOT of selfish, misogynist, nasty men too. As women, I say most of us have had negative experiences with men.

Yes women can be horrible too, but a woman is less likely to sexually assault me or use her power to physically intimidate me.

Things could have changed over the decades but women are too happy to allow men to keep playing the fool.

Thedungeondragon · 15/09/2022 08:59

Most of the men I know are decent people, including my DH and DS. That is not to say they are perfect, they all have their faults, but then so do the women I know.

felulageller · 15/09/2022 08:59

Oh great all the NAMALT'ers are out in force.

We live in a patriarchy.

Men are privileged in a patriarchy.

Women as a sex class are institutionally discriminated against at home, in public, at work, in education.

Just because a handful of women say their 'D'P does the dishes doesn't change this.

MamaBee23 · 15/09/2022 09:03

I met my husband when I was 18 and we have been together for 13 years. We have two children and we have fostered 5 children over the last few years. My husband is the most selfless, hardworking person I've ever known. He is so reliable and caring. Honestly feel blessed to do life with him. He really is my person.

marvellousmaple · 15/09/2022 09:04

Tntw · 15/09/2022 08:00

You ask for good stories but what if the reality for many of us is that many or most men we know are cheaters , have porn addictions , are violent or some other horrible things …. Should we pretend good men are the majority of this is not what we honestly believe

I won’t say all men are bad but I certainly will say that imo a very very large number of them are entitled , sexual creeps and or worse .

Sorry there are those people who will tell women with these experiences that they are the problem and must be associating with the wrong men .
obviously these people are not reading the newspapers on women being raped and killed by men daily or looking at the sexual harassment and assault of women and girls

There are some good men but imho they are in a the minority

Not true. Otherwise most women would be dead. Stop being ridiculous.

sumosaussage · 15/09/2022 09:06

felulageller · 15/09/2022 08:59

Oh great all the NAMALT'ers are out in force.

We live in a patriarchy.

Men are privileged in a patriarchy.

Women as a sex class are institutionally discriminated against at home, in public, at work, in education.

Just because a handful of women say their 'D'P does the dishes doesn't change this.

It's not a handful

I don't know one woman whose husband or male partners don't contribute 50% to the running of their household, and who aren't great partners

My dad was a SAHP, and a wonderful one at that

My grandads on both sides pulled their weights in times when this was definitely not the norm

My own husband gave up his career to ensure he was working a job where he could truly be present in mine and our childrens lives when we were TTC for number 1, and pulled out of work completely to support an international move to propel my career.

kewinsurreylass · 15/09/2022 09:07

My guy is lovely
So are my father grandfather and male mates and the guys I work with
Sorry you have just a jaundiced view of life

kewinsurreylass · 15/09/2022 09:09

"Women as a sex class are institutionally discriminated against at home, in public, at work, in education."
I am not discriminated against in any of those areas

marvellousmaple · 15/09/2022 09:10

Notateacheranymore · 15/09/2022 07:38

We don’t have children. That was a choice we made before we got married. Last month we marked the 24th anniversary of that event, with absolute joy.

At home, he does all the kitchen stuff - cooks, loads dishwasher, goes to the supermarket.

I am in charge of laundry, sorting, loading machine, putting on the maiden, chucking on the bed when dry.

Everything else, we share.

I'm not sure what having no children has to do with anything but I do hope OP that you realise that the vast majority of relationships roll along ok. Sometimes the man is horrid , sometimes the woman.

PrawnofthePatriarchy · 15/09/2022 09:16

I'm a widow but DH was a truly lovely man, as was DF. My parents were married for 67 years. I have two brothers, both happily married for 30+ years and I have two lovely sons.

If you want a lovely man maybe find one who comes from a family of kindly men.

FourTeaFallOut · 15/09/2022 09:18

I've only known kind and fair men. I don't know what kind of odds I'm beating in that statement. But my Dad, my brother, my husband were/ are all good eggs and even previous relationships failed for benign reasons. I have three sons and they are wonderful.

I'm not my nigelling here. I understand the statistics between the sexes and the threat men pose as a sex class. But my own experience is different. There's nothing inevitable about how men can trample over women and not all do.

Windowtea · 15/09/2022 09:18

I'm sure if looked on 'Singlemensnet.com' or similar, you would see a different point of view.

OLP2019 · 15/09/2022 09:18

Perhaps not quite what you're aiming for but I also have a number of male friends who are in relationships with women who I would also class as (.at least emotionally) abusive - giving them a hard time if they want to go out once in a while (from my perspective with a childhood mate they only see once a year) , refusing to return to work even when the kids are in daycare or school and putting pressure on their spouse to provide - including long hours and commutes and then not doing anything like making dinner for them when they get home (might sound old fashioned but I'm sorry but isn't it a quid pro quo and If you love you spouse don't you want to also take care of them ?)
I do know a lot of women who have shit partners but I also know numerous men who also have the shit end of the deal

Original poster
Louloudaisy2020 · 15/09/2022 09:22

Doingprettywellthanks · 15/09/2022 08:27

Do you have no male presence in your life whatsoever that doesn’t buck your ridiculous view of men?

Ha. No, I do actually, I have a great partner.

I don't have this view, the title was clickbait really, but again as my OP states, I am surrounded by people who have had this experience (maybe thats just me). Just here for the positive stories don't hate.

OP posts:
OLP2019 · 15/09/2022 09:24

And to actually answer your post- I sometimes want to stab my dh he can be so annoying but on the whole he is a great human being snd we have a partnership
The mistake is expecting perfection at all times - I'm sure he can't stand me at times - but the good massively outweighs the bad and thats how it works
Working together, holding each other accountable and calling each other out when needed is key
Everyone makes mistakes and sometimes people are too quick to say it's not forgivable or work through bad times