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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Dinner receipt? Is this the script? In such a muddle

532 replies

JasonWaterfalls · 13/09/2022 10:19

Hi everyone,

my DH has been using the fact that we’re struggling like everyone else financially to not do things together like date nights anymore. No dinners or trips out, etc, as we ‘can’t afford it’ - I found a receipt in his coat pocket which I searched before putting it in the wash for dinner for £90. This was HALF the bill so they split it. Two meals multiple courses, Bottle of wine, the works. £180!!

its printed for the date he told me he was going to meet up with a friend, he said they grabbed a late curry and he only spent £15. He’s been off with me recently because I’ve been a bit consumed with my parents problems (they are not coping with cost of living at all and I think my dad might be dying slowly), says I haven’t been ‘present’ enough at home or giving us or the home enough attention. I feel sick and so sad since I found it, I haven’t said anything to him. I’m approaching 40 and don’t have much of my own.

im just so terrified and low. The £90 hasn’t come out of our joint obviously, so I guess his personal, but he said he didn’t have much and was putting as much as he could into the joint pot. I don’t know how to approach it. I feel like I don’t know anything anymore.

OP posts:
Original poster
JasonWaterfalls · 13/09/2022 23:30

I wish it was so simple. I am still going to speak to a solicitor asap but I feel a bit on the wrong foot now. He did admit it was wrong to spend so much on a dinner with someone else. He hasn’t stayed to work it out but run off to a hotel (more expense, hah), and i don’t know.

honeslty, I keep thinking of the times i felt so let down and disappointed that he didn’t want to be seen out in public with me having dinner or going to the theatre or something, all the friends hangouts i was swerved out of the way of, I feel a bigger picture of why things have been neglectful for years is becoming clearer bit o still don’t really know what to think,

OP posts:
talomon · 13/09/2022 23:33

How old are you OP? You said you have no children, are you quite young? If you want children, don't have them with this man.

His contempt for you is quite obvious and he is treating you as a second class citizen already. Don't tie yourself to him with children and property.

Clymene · 13/09/2022 23:39

Well, you weren't wrong, he's an arsehole.

You need a shit hot lawyer to fight your corner. I'm so sorry he's turned out to be such a muppet but It sounds like your self esteem is intact and I'm glad you don't have kids and a mortgage.

Good luck x

bluedomino · 13/09/2022 23:40

You will be better off without him. He doesn't make you feel cherished or loved. He treats you like his mother, only there to cook and clean for him. He is allowed to treat himself but you can't as he doesn't think you are worthy. Honestly, you will be so much happier without him in your life. It sounds like he's wrecked your self esteem by refusing to be seen in public with you. He's kept you downtrodden so he can do whatever he wants without you questioning it. I think you will find there's more to his "friendship" and he's probably not in a hotel either. The fact he's run away, rather than staying to sort things out, that makes him look guilty. He should be apologising, begging your forgiveness and taking you out and spending the same on you.
Good luck but honestly, I think in 12 months time you will look back think about how your life has improved. Stop doing his washing and cooking.

Clymene · 13/09/2022 23:41

He treats you like a housekeeper. He doesn't deserve you in his life.

MyStarBoy · 13/09/2022 23:42

He’s really taking the piss out of you.

And you sound far too good for him.

Tryingtokeepgoing · 13/09/2022 23:43

Purplecatshopaholic · 13/09/2022 12:21

This has all the hallmarks of an affair - emotional or more, we don’t know. I am so sorry op. You don’t spend that kind of money on dinner with just a friend, and it sounds more and more like he has checked out of your marriage. I too would present him with the receipt and ask him to explain it.

While I’m not condoning his lies or apparent double standards over what he’s willing to spend on the OP, I think the leap to it not being a friend but an affair is a leap to far. Dinner for 2 and a bottle of wine is £120ish in a chain like Coté or Brasserie Blanc nowadays, and even when my husband was alive I’d often spend that on dinner with a friend if I or she/he wanted to talk. I mean, I’ve just had pizza (we had one each) a rocket salad, one beer and sparking water with a friend and that was £65! So £180 for a non chain meal for two, with probably more drink than I’d have, doesn’t seem unreasonable. And the OP says earlier on he could easily afford it. The kicker is him not spending that on her. That’s what needs addressing I think.

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 13/09/2022 23:43

He hasn’t stayed to work it out but run off to a hotel

Yes, with her, and has probably bullshitted her with the 'Well, I finally told her', not 'She found out'.

Get on the phone to solicitor first thing in the morning. And get on the phone to your mates now if you haven't already.

What an arse. He's cheating on you.

ladamanera · 13/09/2022 23:44

There will be more to come. You might think more arrows of truth-pain will help you know what to think - but if I were you, I’d save yourself the anguish and decide what to think.
i would not let him back in. Not because of that night - but because of the disgraceful way he tried to justify it by hurting you.
Careworn? That would stay with me. he would not. Let him try “knee jerk/reactionary” as a label for you instead- and skedaddle your careworn trusting lovely ass out of there

Original poster
JasonWaterfalls · 13/09/2022 23:48

I keep swinging between thinking I’ve got it all wrong and then being apoplectic with rage that he found someone else - not me, who’s supported his every Peter Pan whim for six years - worthy of the wining and dining.

OP posts:
Flatandhappy · 13/09/2022 23:50

So he is now trying to twist it so you are the unreasonable person here for finding the receipt and being upset at him for “being a man”. He is not a man, he is pathetic excuse for one and hopefully you will work up the courage to leave. Bet you do everything for him too. Good luck.

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 13/09/2022 23:50

Stop swinging. He's a tosser.

And you deserve much, much better.

End it. On your terms.

Maze76 · 13/09/2022 23:53

Him running off kinda tells you all you need to know. I’ve been where you are- it’s not nice and I’m sorry you’re going through it. My advice, don’t phone or text him- radio silence while you get your head together.
If he wants to work things out- let him be the one to instigate it.
Don't move out the marital home - and please do not contact the OW.
Take a few days out from him ..it’s very early days and you don’t want to make any decisions while emotions are so high.

Original poster
JasonWaterfalls · 13/09/2022 23:53

I can’t get over him saying most m/f friendships are basically sexual. It makes me feel sick, all this time i thought his lack of boorish lad mates was such a green flag but now I see he just selected his friends in order of fuckability.

OP posts:
Original poster
JasonWaterfalls · 13/09/2022 23:58

Talomon - I’m 39 and infertile, found out quite young it was never going to happen for me.

OP posts:
Zebracat · 14/09/2022 00:02

He sounds awful. You sound lovely. What a cock though. however much is in that joint pot, I’d be having it and Spending it on careworn old me. You really do deserve better.

Dontmakeher · 14/09/2022 00:03

OP he didn't consider your feelings one bit and now you can move forward not giving two sh*ts about his feelings as you dump his disgusting arse and take him to the cleaners. All the best and take care of number one!

wellhelloitsme · 14/09/2022 00:05

Even if he hasn't cheated, the way he speaks about male / female dynamics is fucking gross.

And it shows complete contempt for you that he can't even be arsed to pretend he doesn't sort women into 'would shag' / 'wouldn't shag' categories and only spend time and effort on the former.

He's an every day, common or garden variety misogynist. He probably thinks he's one of the good guys because he doesn't 'hurt' women.

But his attitude is part of the overall problem with misogyny in society, reducing women to whether or not they are worthy of attention and care based on perceived shag-ability.

He's rank. You sound lovely and deserve better.

Diplidocus4 · 14/09/2022 00:19

Was it Rules ?

MsDogLady · 14/09/2022 00:36

JW, this is mind boggling. His sense of entitlement to degrade, deprive and marginalize you while leading a double life with his sparkly harem is truly beyond the pale.

Please don’t be manipulated by his accusations and blame-shifting. You’ve done nothing wrong. He’s tantrumming because you’ve rumbled his dual life. He’s clearly been pursuing and investing in other women for years.

In your shoes, I would definitively end the marriage. You’ll never feel cherished, respected or included by this small man who thrives on illicit validation. Flowers

BritInAus · 14/09/2022 00:36

JasonWaterfalls · 13/09/2022 23:48

I keep swinging between thinking I’ve got it all wrong and then being apoplectic with rage that he found someone else - not me, who’s supported his every Peter Pan whim for six years - worthy of the wining and dining.

Hold on tight to that rage. It is 100% valid. He sounds like an utter arsehole!
I think we can be pretty sure he's not alone at the 'hotel'.

Vecna · 14/09/2022 00:37

You seem lovely, smart and fully aware of the situation you're in. Yet, there is something about your posts which makes me think you're going to tolerate this. Please don't. You know better. He doesn't value you. Leave.

ladamanera · 14/09/2022 00:38

100% not alone at the hotel.

TwowaystoUrmston · 14/09/2022 00:40

You are worth more than being bottom of anyone's priority list OP, I would be finding a shit hot lawyer and taking everything I could in the divorce in your shoes, he's taken the piss out of you long enough.

You're swinging because contemplating change on the scale of splitting up is scary af and it's human nature to want to run back to what's familiar. But in your case what's familiar is being treated like shit and you sound angry enough to tell me you still have some self esteem, so get out now before he takes that from you. What he's showing you isn't love, you can show yourself some love though and stop letting him treat you like you're second best.

Musti · 14/09/2022 00:41

What an absolute bastard. Op you can’t stay with him. He has told you that you’re too boring to take out and that he’s entitled to have a private life and you shouldn’t question it and he would have his (many) female friends if he could. Tell him to fuck off. See a solicitor and see what you’re entitled to. The prick can pay.