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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Dinner receipt? Is this the script? In such a muddle

532 replies

JasonWaterfalls · 13/09/2022 10:19

Hi everyone,

my DH has been using the fact that we’re struggling like everyone else financially to not do things together like date nights anymore. No dinners or trips out, etc, as we ‘can’t afford it’ - I found a receipt in his coat pocket which I searched before putting it in the wash for dinner for £90. This was HALF the bill so they split it. Two meals multiple courses, Bottle of wine, the works. £180!!

its printed for the date he told me he was going to meet up with a friend, he said they grabbed a late curry and he only spent £15. He’s been off with me recently because I’ve been a bit consumed with my parents problems (they are not coping with cost of living at all and I think my dad might be dying slowly), says I haven’t been ‘present’ enough at home or giving us or the home enough attention. I feel sick and so sad since I found it, I haven’t said anything to him. I’m approaching 40 and don’t have much of my own.

im just so terrified and low. The £90 hasn’t come out of our joint obviously, so I guess his personal, but he said he didn’t have much and was putting as much as he could into the joint pot. I don’t know how to approach it. I feel like I don’t know anything anymore.

OP posts:
SpidersAreShitheads · 14/09/2022 00:41

Oh my love. You deserve so much more than this.

Don't let us here at MN persuade one way or the other, this is your call. But equally don't let him sweet talk you into thinking that you're somehow to blame.

He's let the mask slip and been horribly cruel to you. He's said you're not interesting or funny enough to take out, and he prefers the company of his female friends who, incidentally, he'd quite like to fuck too if he were given the chance. He's tried to spin that you are at fault for accidentally finding the receipt that shows he's been lying. Expecting you to follow austerity measures while he enjoys slap-up meals and good wine.

Find your anger. And don't lose it. Don't let him make you think that you're at fault. What you choose to do about it is your choice, but this is categorically NOT your fault in any way. You sounds like you've been through a hell of a lot - newsflash for him....sometimes life can be a bit shit. You don't treat your wife with derision and neglect just because she's not been the life and soul of the party while she's been dealing with some tough personal events.....

Please do talk to a solicitor, just to see how you feel.

What I'd urge you to do now is think about 10 years in the future with this man, knowing what you do now about how he thinks about both you and his female friends. Can you see yourself being happy? Content? Feeling cherished and loved? Only you know the answer to this. But from the information you have given here, you deserve so, so much more than you're getting.

If you don't feel ready to take a decision, how about a trial separation? Might give you some insight into what you really want, and how you feel with some space away from him - more than just overnight.

Sending you love.

MMmomDD · 14/09/2022 00:42

To be frank OP - the more you describe your marriage, the worse it sounds.
You don’t really have a relationship that is based on closeness and partnership.

In 6 years you haven’t met his friends?
I am not sure how that is even possible - didn’t you date? No friends at a wedding?
You don’t do anything together. And it doesn’t sound like you even like each other much. Your marriage sounds like some sort or arrangement.

For what it’s worth - it’s not a competition between his friend and you. He ‘didn’t take her our’ - she isn’t an object, she paid her share,, he isn’t dating her. They went out . And as he said it was fun than going out with you.

You seem stuck in this rut with him. Why are you holding on to a relationship that is clearly making you unhappy? What does it give you?

altmember · 14/09/2022 00:44

From what you've said about his attitude and behaviour, it wouldn't surprise me if what you've found is just the tip of the iceberg. He seems just the sort of bloke to be paying for sex and having a coke habit as well.

It doesn't sound like you've any marital assets to fight over, or kids to sort out custody arrangements for, so should be a straight forward divorce.

Musti · 14/09/2022 00:44

Fuck not have his many female friends.

oh and on top of that, he’s grumpy that you’re not lavishing him with enough attention because you’re worried about your parents.

And instead of taking you out to cheer you up and spend time with his wife, he extravagantly splashes out on a mate he would probably like to fuck. And I’d be very surprised if he hasn’t already been unfaithful many times with this level of entitlement. So yes, take him for as much as you can. Make the shithead pay

Booklover3 · 14/09/2022 00:54

You deserve more than this OP. Don’t forget that. Don’t have second thoughts or let him make this your faults… it’s not your fault. It’s his.

You deserve far, far more from a marriage than this!

barefootnomadmam · 14/09/2022 00:55

He’s an absolute twat. You deserve so much better than this man. I don’t have anything to add that people here already haven’t but he’s disgusting. His poor female friends too, I have lots of male friends and the idea that any of them would say this to their partners, or think of me/their other female friends in that way makes me sick. It is just not true that men feel that way and it’s awful that he thinks you’ll be understanding because ‘all men’ think like that.

EmmaH2022 · 14/09/2022 01:07

JasonWaterfalls · 13/09/2022 23:53

I can’t get over him saying most m/f friendships are basically sexual. It makes me feel sick, all this time i thought his lack of boorish lad mates was such a green flag but now I see he just selected his friends in order of fuckability.

sadly I think this getting more common. I'm like you, I would have seen no female friends as a red flag but now I wonder if this sort of bloke keeps women around because they think they might get a shag. I'm sick of man friends turning out to want this.

I am so sorry for what's happening to you. He's scum. Get on to a lawyer. Before he comes back and tries to talk you round.

Ofcourseshecan · 14/09/2022 01:24

He keeps texting to me to say I shouldn’t have gone though his things (I wash his clothes??) and that I’m punishing him for being a man like any other man. … I feel a bit on the wrong foot now.

OP, don’t let this arrogant bastard make you doubt yourself. He is totally in the wrong. I can hardly believe he had the cheek to complain you found evidence of his cheating!

He’s been using, abusing and gaslighting you throughout the relationship, it seems. Every nasty trick you put up with has encouraged him to push his luck still further. What a slimeball. Please free yourself from him. You deserve so much better.

TheOnlyBeeInYourBonnet · 14/09/2022 01:36

ValerieDoonican · 13/09/2022 23:01

Jesus! What an absolute gaslighting arsehole.

Yes, well that sums it up really!

'Careworn'??!! What a grade A cunt.

SheSaidHummingbird · 14/09/2022 01:41

I would be wondering if he was spending the night in the hotel alone, or if he arranges company.

TheOnlyBeeInYourBonnet · 14/09/2022 01:47

Also, the wining/dining and possibility of an affair isn't really the issue now. He can gaslight the hell out of that one but it doesn't matter anymore.

You've seen the real him, how he thinks, what value he places on you and women in general. That has triggered a fresh perspective on your whole relationship and how you've been treated. It's not and never will be an equal, respectful, loving partnership.

You can't put that back in a box under the bed and pretend you didn't see it.

OldFan · 14/09/2022 01:50

he assures me she is a friend which I believe, however he says all male/female friendships ‘have something in them’ and all men would secretly shag their female friends if they were asked, and she’s easier to take out than I am because she is funnier and less ‘careworn’.

So, he fancies her/them. I still wonder how far this has gone sexually with her or other women OP. Sad

I would always split the bill with someone BTW, even a date. Unless it'd got to the level of they pay one time, I pay the next.

osmanthusfragrans · 14/09/2022 02:04

Considering how difficult it is for people to change their habits and "who they are", I wouldn't expect him to ever make a true, lasting change for the better. I wouldn't want to continue with someone who had so little respect or care for me. Regardless of whether or not he's had sex outside your marriage, he's shown that he doesn't see you as his equal. His lack of concern for you when you're having a difficult time is evidence that he's not the type of man who will stay with you through thick and thin.

Coyoacan · 14/09/2022 02:54

I'm so sorry, OP.

JangolinaPitt · 14/09/2022 03:00

Since you have no children even less reason not to take you out -not as if someone needs to be babysitting - just outrageous

Monty27 · 14/09/2022 03:07

Get up very early and do what you know you have to do. There's good people out there. Get him out of your life. 💐

bluetongue · 14/09/2022 03:49

Wow. What a narcissistic twat.

LTB.

Blahburst · 14/09/2022 03:59

You must be feeling like absolute crap. Get rid of this dead weight and watch your life turn around x

GeorgiaGirl52 · 14/09/2022 04:00

You are the one in charge now. You don't have to put up with his abuse "for the sake of the kids". He says you are boring and careworn and not fun to go out with. Stand in front of the mirror and imagine yourself with a professional haircut and color, a manicure, and some elegant new clothes. You look good enough to date!
The money he spent on his lady friends should have been spent on you. Starting now, spend money on yourself. When you like the way you look, and like the way you feel, they you will find someone who likes you for you....or you may decide that you don't need someone else to affirm your worthiness.

BoxOfCats · 14/09/2022 04:33

Are you sure he's actually gone to a hotel? I would be suspicious in your shoes.

Blueberrywitch · 14/09/2022 04:46

Rage and disgust is ALL you should feel! He is a disgusting manipulative little worm. I don’t think I’ve ever been so horrified by a post on mumsnet as I am at this one. Please please don’t waver on this - hold on to your age and get out. 39 is still young. You need to work on your self esteem and build yourself up and get away from this horrific man ASAP. Can you go and live with your parents?

Blueberrywitch · 14/09/2022 04:47

Hold on to your rage**! That was meant to say

Supersimkin2 · 14/09/2022 04:49

What a hideous little man. OP you’ll feel miles better in six months if you start getting rid now - promise.

Cognacsoft · 14/09/2022 05:30

If you do take him back OP be sure to dine out with a male friend at least once and leave the receipt on the kitchen top. Preferably next to a list of fuckability ratings for all the males you work with. Put your dh last.

Original poster
JasonWaterfalls · 14/09/2022 05:32

It’s 5 am and I’ve just been awake all night. Crying, so confused. Like a pp said it’s like the mask has slipped. I knew he wasn’t exactly the romantic type in terms of showiness if that makes sense but I always thought he was absolutely straight up honest. @MMmomDD a lot of his close friends are in his country of origin, I’ve met a few colleagues and we only had a simple registery office do. And then when Covid hit it was even more natural I wouldn’t meet them as they weren’t flying over. It should have been so much more obvious to me I know, I’m an idiot and a lot of this is my fault. I’ve kept myself in Al little bubble of not wanting to think too hard about it. I think I see now that he wanted someone with low self esteem to run his life. I am so angry with him and so repulsed by what I’ve learned about how he thinks about make/female dynamics but I’m so angry at myself too. I let myself go along with someone who changed as soon as he didn’t feel the need to impress me anymore and I should have done something for myself then. I’ve spoken to my sister and she is coming round today.

OP posts: