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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Dinner receipt? Is this the script? In such a muddle

532 replies

JasonWaterfalls · 13/09/2022 10:19

Hi everyone,

my DH has been using the fact that we’re struggling like everyone else financially to not do things together like date nights anymore. No dinners or trips out, etc, as we ‘can’t afford it’ - I found a receipt in his coat pocket which I searched before putting it in the wash for dinner for £90. This was HALF the bill so they split it. Two meals multiple courses, Bottle of wine, the works. £180!!

its printed for the date he told me he was going to meet up with a friend, he said they grabbed a late curry and he only spent £15. He’s been off with me recently because I’ve been a bit consumed with my parents problems (they are not coping with cost of living at all and I think my dad might be dying slowly), says I haven’t been ‘present’ enough at home or giving us or the home enough attention. I feel sick and so sad since I found it, I haven’t said anything to him. I’m approaching 40 and don’t have much of my own.

im just so terrified and low. The £90 hasn’t come out of our joint obviously, so I guess his personal, but he said he didn’t have much and was putting as much as he could into the joint pot. I don’t know how to approach it. I feel like I don’t know anything anymore.

OP posts:
CheshireCats · 13/09/2022 22:54

I do hope you are going to leave the dickhead.

OnTheBrinkOfChange · 13/09/2022 22:56

Do you know what, I never say this but I would divorce him and get a shit hot lawyer to get as much money as I could from him. I hate him on your behalf!

EarthSight · 13/09/2022 22:56

I’m punishing him for being a man like any other man

He has the attitude that cheating and behaving this way is just what men do. I don't believe she's his friend. Maybe that's what he calls women he hasn't shagged yet, so in his mind, it's technically true, but I'd say this is what he was aiming for. He certainly want to impress.

THEN...if that wasn't bad enough, he makes himself out to be the victim because you should allow him to get his leg over every now and again. Yes, what a total bitch you are OP! Is she younger as well? That would be truly cliche.

He does admit it was wrong to expect frugality from me while spending madly on someone else though

It was terrible for him to do this OP. You weren't worth spending the money on I'm afraid or he simply didn't want to spend this time with you and was trying to find excuses. You're the Cinderella at home whilst he's out getting his thrills. Yes, I can see now why he says he can't afford date nights with you. It's because he's spending a large amount of money elsewhere. I'm glad you're seeing a solicitor.

kimchifox · 13/09/2022 22:59

Wow! What an absolute tosser! He really thinks a lot of himself doesn't he? I hope you can disentangle yourself asap & don't believe a word of it if he comes round tomorrow promising you the world, it will be a pack of lies. Go & don't look back.

SRS29 · 13/09/2022 23:00

OP just read your thread....you sound absolutely amazing! Just basically kick his stupid arse down the road....they are all just simply little boys..ooo 'I had no attention boo hoo' .......fill your boots elsewhere my friend

ValerieDoonican · 13/09/2022 23:01

Jesus! What an absolute gaslighting arsehole.

Pallisers · 13/09/2022 23:02

OP, so glad you don't have children with him and so glad you rent. this should be simple. you can do a lot better than this guy - even by being by yourself.

Sorry though that he has turned out to be such a massive twat.

GorgonzolaSouffle · 13/09/2022 23:03

What a horrible man.

CombatBarbie · 13/09/2022 23:03

Oh OP I'm angry for you. He's def shown you where as his life partner lies in his priorities. Get him to fuck.... the rest of the script will follow being sad and victimised blah blah.

Lostinbrum · 13/09/2022 23:04

Sounds like he spent 90 quid trying to get in her knickers

Sh05 · 13/09/2022 23:05

Speak to a solicitor asap and stop doing anything for him. No more laundry or dinners or any other domestic task that benefits him.

MelodyPondsMum · 13/09/2022 23:05

Ignore him. He thought he could beat you down with 'all males do this' logic and a pile of insults. This is all on him. As Dr Phil used to say 'he drove the car off the road'.
Stay strong and focused, and block him if it will help or at least put your phone away. He's going to wheel through anger, defensiveness, sadness, little bit of pleading and back round the other side. Grey rock him. Flowers

XelaM · 13/09/2022 23:05

JasonWaterfalls · 13/09/2022 21:35

So. We’ve talked.

i showed him the receipt, he was furious i’d found it.

he admits it’s a terrible double standard and very hurtful to ask me to remain at home with no date nights and spend nothing while taking another woman out to dinner. He also says his private life is his and not his wife’s affair. Oh? And there I was foolishly thinking marriage was his private life.

he assures me she is a friend which I believe, however he says all male/female friendships ‘have something in them’ and all men would secretly shag their female friends if they were asked, and she’s easier to take out than I am because she is funnier and less ‘careworn’. So sorry that keeping all the household plates spinning is so tedious for you darling.

he says he has ‘taken nothing from me’ by taking her out whilst refusing to take me out because I’m ‘different’ (??!!) . Now he has retreated into outrage I would dare question his spending when all he does is question my spending. He has been like a sulky little boy caught out with his hand in a sweetie jar. All the concern a month ago for how stressy it’s been to watch my father waste away in front of me and my mum go off the rails has turned into accusations of me not doing enough for him so naturally he needs his expensive little jollies while expecting me to tow the new financial line and eat basics range pasta and never go out together.

and on the subject of going out together, I asked why in six years I’d met hardly any of his friends including his little dinner date and he said he ‘didn’t enjoy questions’

I am at the bottom of the list for the last time. prick.

OP - from your writing you sound fab and very switched on (and funny). Get rid of that prick and take half his stuff if you can 👍

Then get dressed up and go out for drinks and meals with friends.

FantasylandEnthusiast · 13/09/2022 23:06

I've rarely been so angry on behalf of someone as I have reading what he said to you. How fucking dare he.
Are both your names on the tenancy op? If so, I'd be bagging up all his belongings and leaving them outside.
He won't be able to complain about you going through his things anymore, will he?
You are so much better than this utter waste of space, gas lighting, emotionally and financially abusive, cunt.

Hold on to that anger, and I promise you, getting rid of him will be the best thing you've ever done. Life is so short, you deserve so much better op.
We are all rooting for you ❤️

GotYouJerry · 13/09/2022 23:10

What a bastard. He’s lower than a snakes belly!
Well done for keeping it together and not standing for his bullshit.
Im sorry you are so poorly valued by him.

goldfinchonthelawn · 13/09/2022 23:14

I'm so sorry he acted in such a predictable way. First thing I'd do is go out and spend a fortune on myself via the joint account if you have one - get hair done, new clothes and go for lunch with a friend.

Don't do anything for him at all. Nothing. No cooking, shopping, laundry. No helping him find a missing sock, no reminders about appointments. Let him do the dull slog in his own life.

Focus on yourself and your parents. But yourself first, because you need to be looking after yourself properly before you can support them, or you will run dry.

SatInTheCorner · 13/09/2022 23:16

Wow, his response is jaw dropping.

OP, hold on to that anger. I literally can't get over his response.

Superduper02 · 13/09/2022 23:17

Actually sat here with my mouth hanging open! 😒 He is absolutely out of order however at least he has been honest. What you do now is up to you.

LongLivedQueen · 13/09/2022 23:18

Superduper02 · 13/09/2022 23:17

Actually sat here with my mouth hanging open! 😒 He is absolutely out of order however at least he has been honest. What you do now is up to you.

Honest? He's either fucking her or trying really hard to fuck her.

He has not been honest.

heartbroken22 · 13/09/2022 23:19

I'm so sorry hun. Please leave him. He does sound like he's messing around with someone else. It's weird out he slipped the word 'affair' whilst he was trying to defend what he did. Not my wife's affair. Does he mean his 'affair'? Subconscious slip of the tongue?

Purplecatshopaholic · 13/09/2022 23:23

FantasylandEnthusiast · 13/09/2022 23:06

I've rarely been so angry on behalf of someone as I have reading what he said to you. How fucking dare he.
Are both your names on the tenancy op? If so, I'd be bagging up all his belongings and leaving them outside.
He won't be able to complain about you going through his things anymore, will he?
You are so much better than this utter waste of space, gas lighting, emotionally and financially abusive, cunt.

Hold on to that anger, and I promise you, getting rid of him will be the best thing you've ever done. Life is so short, you deserve so much better op.
We are all rooting for you ❤️

This. OMFG, op! Rarely am I so shocked by a thread, but he’s just such a shit! He has no respect for you, none. Please get a lawyer, divorce him and move on.

Summerholidays2022 · 13/09/2022 23:24

He’s shown you his true colours.
id suggest only contact to be to finalise the split , then block. He thinks you’re weak and will take him back, but you’re strong and now independent.
good luck with you’re next chapter, work on making yourself happy.

Salome61 · 13/09/2022 23:25

So very sorry to read this, wishing you the best of luck with whatever you decide.

Zonder · 13/09/2022 23:27

Wow he knows he's guilty of more than just overspending on dinner with a friend.

Penismightierthantheword · 13/09/2022 23:28

You are worth a 100 of this scabby little shit. Onward and upward my darling!

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