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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Dinner receipt? Is this the script? In such a muddle

532 replies

JasonWaterfalls · 13/09/2022 10:19

Hi everyone,

my DH has been using the fact that we’re struggling like everyone else financially to not do things together like date nights anymore. No dinners or trips out, etc, as we ‘can’t afford it’ - I found a receipt in his coat pocket which I searched before putting it in the wash for dinner for £90. This was HALF the bill so they split it. Two meals multiple courses, Bottle of wine, the works. £180!!

its printed for the date he told me he was going to meet up with a friend, he said they grabbed a late curry and he only spent £15. He’s been off with me recently because I’ve been a bit consumed with my parents problems (they are not coping with cost of living at all and I think my dad might be dying slowly), says I haven’t been ‘present’ enough at home or giving us or the home enough attention. I feel sick and so sad since I found it, I haven’t said anything to him. I’m approaching 40 and don’t have much of my own.

im just so terrified and low. The £90 hasn’t come out of our joint obviously, so I guess his personal, but he said he didn’t have much and was putting as much as he could into the joint pot. I don’t know how to approach it. I feel like I don’t know anything anymore.

OP posts:
lifebeginsnowlovely · 13/09/2022 22:15

Wow what an absolute tosser he is! This marks the beginning of a new life and many wonderful opportunities for you OP. It may not seem like it but you're well rid on on your way to a much better life without that dick weighing you down x

GiantTortoise · 13/09/2022 22:15

Sending hugs, OP Flowers

Weirdlynormal · 13/09/2022 22:15

Fuck him OP he sounds like a prize cunt. Definitely LTB

Lostinbrum · 13/09/2022 22:16

Holy shit what a complete and utter arsehole. Well done OP for calling him out. He has zero respect for you none. I'm sorry but it looks like your relationship is over. You are worth more then being treated like this

typingcake · 13/09/2022 22:18

I’m really sorry OP. I can’t believe he was so angry at you for finding the receipt!? Any decent person would maybe feel guilt or shame and be apologetic. Hopefully you can sort some stuff out with the solicitor. I know it might not be ideal but could you maybe move in with your parents for a short while or be nearby? It sounds like an upsetting situation there too but at least you can help them out without dickhead giving you a guilt trip!

mscampbelle · 13/09/2022 22:25

I'm glad you're angry at him. He's treating you with utter contempt.
I'm really sorry though, what a thing to discover about someone you thought cared about you.
Sending an un-mumsnetty hug.

AryaStarkWolf · 13/09/2022 22:30

Wow his "private life" wtf? So sorry OP, he's sounds like a real cunt

Original poster
JasonWaterfalls · 13/09/2022 22:30

He keeps texting to me to say I shouldn’t have gone though his things (I wash his clothes??) and that I’m punishing him for being a man like any other man. He does admit it was wrong to expect frugality from me while spending madly on someone else though.

OP posts:
typingcake · 13/09/2022 22:33

He is Gaslighting you OP!

Notonthestairs · 13/09/2022 22:33

He's deflecting.

Whydidimarryhim · 13/09/2022 22:35

Serious over reacting on his part - there must be more too this - oh and he’s got money for a hotel? Sorry op - well done for the way you handled this.

FitFat · 13/09/2022 22:40

Prick. You sound awesome.

momtoboys · 13/09/2022 22:40

I'm sorry about all this. You really deserve someone that will put you first. He is a spoiled child and I hope you send him packing. You will be happier on your own that with this dope.

2catsandhappy · 13/09/2022 22:42

Tell him you won't be finding any more receipts since you won't be doing his domestic chores from now on.
His fake outrage is a joke. Stage acts call it 'misdirection'. I would be wondering who is at the hotel with him.

layladomino · 13/09/2022 22:43

Ignore him. He's trying to deflect. Of course there's nothing wrong with you checking his pockets before you washed his clothes, and if he has a brain he knows that.

And he isn't acting like 'any man'. And to be honest, if every man was like him then I'd happily settle without one. Most men don't think it's OK to insult your wife, have multiple female friends that you want to sleep with (and tell your wife so), and spend a lot of money on 'dates' with, despite refusing to go out with your wife, and expecting your wife not to spend money or have nights out.

He has shown himself to have double standards, to be hugely disrespectful to you, to be selfish, dishonest and now gas lighting. You will be much better off without him. You could be with someone who is proud to be with you, who loves your company, who thinks of your first when planning a night out. That's the sort of 'man' you should be with, not one like him.

Everchanging2022 · 13/09/2022 22:43

Bloody good on you, you brave woman.
Standing up for youself, your worth. I am in awe of your strength.
Keep going!

OnTheBrinkOfChange · 13/09/2022 22:45

JasonWaterfalls · 13/09/2022 13:30

Rosetree - it’s a crazy amount to me yes. Three courses, good wine, two cocktails each. Won’t say which restaurant because outing I guess but upmarket West london.

Have you checked the restaurant to see what you get for that price?

If they are having an affair and splitting the bill and the affair has been going on longer than just this last few weeks. He'd be trying to impress her.

He is not a nice guy. Do you have children together? Do you own a house together? Are your finances joined? I would be looking at getting my ducks in a row.

comfortablyfrumpy · 13/09/2022 22:45

Oh golly I sm sorry to read your update

He sounds absolutely horrid.

Ducks in a row. Gather as much info as you can - bet he is hiding money. And see that Solicitor.

You deserve so much better.

And much love and strength to you, caring for elderly parents is hard, doubly so when you don't have real support at home. Flowers

AssignedSlytherinAtBirth · 13/09/2022 22:47

Sending you strength, OP. He's a prick and has shown his true colours. Onwards and upwards!

Sunshine0110 · 13/09/2022 22:47

Punishing him for being a man? He’s not a man he’s a parasite! I really hope you can get away from him as he’s draining the life out of you. Don’t listen to any bullshit excuses or pathetic apologies when he realises you are not going to back down on this. You deserve so much more than that spineless bastard x

OneFootintheRave · 13/09/2022 22:47

Ooh. I like your style!

SafferUpNorth · 13/09/2022 22:48

He's clearly been having affairs for years and sees nothing wrong with that. Sounds like you're confidently ending it now. Good riddance. Thank your lucky stars you don't have kids, it would have been far more messy and complicated.

Wishing you strength through this and through your tough time with your parents' health. Hope one day when you're ready you'll meet a man who respects and values you x

BringItBackBruno · 13/09/2022 22:48

You know where you stand now, and you will never really trust him again. LTB.

LastWordsOfALiar · 13/09/2022 22:48

He's the twat of all twats.

Don't believe a word he's saying, it's bullshit. No respectful husband would do this. He's rude, sexist and untrustworthy.

You need to leave, for a whole host of reasons beyond the dinner. His attitude towards you stinks, he shows no respect or care for you. You deserve a whole lot better.

feckoffbrian · 13/09/2022 22:52

LastWordsOfALiar · 13/09/2022 22:48

He's the twat of all twats.

Don't believe a word he's saying, it's bullshit. No respectful husband would do this. He's rude, sexist and untrustworthy.

You need to leave, for a whole host of reasons beyond the dinner. His attitude towards you stinks, he shows no respect or care for you. You deserve a whole lot better.

This.

You have no legal ties.

Walk away.