Page 16 | Dinner receipt? Is this the script? In such a muddle

JasonWaterfalls · 2022-09-13T09:19:44+00:00

Hi everyone, my DH has been using the fact that we’re struggling like everyone else financially to not do things together like date nights anymore. No dinners or trips out, etc, as we ‘can’t afford it’ - I found a receipt in his coat pocket which I searched before putting it in the wash for dinner for £90. This was HALF the bill so they split it. Two meals multiple courses, Bottle of wine, the works. £180!! its printed for the date he told me he was going to meet up with a friend, he said they grabbed a late curry and he only spent £15. He’s been off with me recently because I’ve been a bit consumed with my parents problems (they are not coping with cost of living at all and I think my dad might be dying slowly), says I haven’t been ‘present’ enough at home or giving us or the home enough attention. I feel sick and so sad since I found it, I haven’t said anything to him. I’m approaching 40 and don’t have much of my own. im just so terrified and low. The £90 hasn’t come out of our joint obviously, so I guess his personal, but he said he didn’t have much and was putting as much as he could into the joint pot. I don’t know how to approach it. I feel like I don’t know anything anymore.

Original poster

JasonWaterfalls · 14/09/2022 18:52

Dsis Prosecco is helping these thoughts along but, I was in an abusive relationship before him, spent three years single after it ended, of course I fell for the sparky interesting guy who seemed to like me, and of course I stuck around when he went hot and cold because it was a intermittent reinforcement which is PROVED to make you crazy and b I believed in making my marriage work. Made a lot of excuses. For myself too, I accepted crumbs from someone who seemed nice and dependable if a bit distant because it was much less scary than being alone again or finding another bad man.

six years is long but it isn’t so long. I’m not 40 yet. I don’t know I feel like I’m a lot of marriages this would be a therapy starter but if I look back with real honesty (and thanks to @Watchkeys and others in particular for the brains food ) this is not the first straw in a happy marriage it’s the last straw in a miserable, half hearted one. I’ve spent years wondering why his interest dropped when we got married, if I changed for the worse, if I stopped being pretty or fun enough to be worth it - it’s warped me.

OP posts:

HyggeandTea · 14/09/2022 18:54

OP, I have a lot of respect for your strength and determination, this cannot have been easy.
Look after yourself, take a breather and a bath. You got this x

Daleksatemyshed · 14/09/2022 19:14

Please don't feel bad Op, you're by no means the first woman to close her eyes to the truth to keep a marriage going. The important thing is you're now awake and seeing the marriage clearly. He'll be difficult now, he's used to you turning a blind eye and will try anything to keep you onboard but now you know better.
It's a bit like the posters where everything is just colours and shapes and they don't make sense, then suddenly you look at them just right and see the hidden picture- now you've seen the real picture you can't ignore it

Boxofsockss · 14/09/2022 19:15

Sorry this has happened to you OP. What a bastard he is.

Schools2023 · 14/09/2022 19:18

You're doing really well. I would brace yourself as I'd bet there's more to this than the odd dinner. I'd be particularly wary of any debts in your name, if he's married abroad etc.

Mix56 · 14/09/2022 19:21

I'm sorry you are facing this, but please don't feel humiliated, he is now in a situation where he has no wife/cleaner, has to pay the whole rent & bills & won't have the extra money to splash on these women.
One good side of not knowing his friends is that you don't have people picking which side, & basically you will never know what is being said as you don't know them. But you can be sure they all know he is a philandering married man who is treating his wife badly.
I hope he won't have the correct UK immigration status & will have to leave.

EmmaH2022 · 14/09/2022 19:27

Mix56 "I hope he won't have the correct UK immigration status & will have to leave."

I am glad someone said this as I was thinking it.

CombatBarbie · 14/09/2022 20:14

JasonWaterfalls · 14/09/2022 18:52

Dsis Prosecco is helping these thoughts along but, I was in an abusive relationship before him, spent three years single after it ended, of course I fell for the sparky interesting guy who seemed to like me, and of course I stuck around when he went hot and cold because it was a intermittent reinforcement which is PROVED to make you crazy and b I believed in making my marriage work. Made a lot of excuses. For myself too, I accepted crumbs from someone who seemed nice and dependable if a bit distant because it was much less scary than being alone again or finding another bad man.

six years is long but it isn’t so long. I’m not 40 yet. I don’t know I feel like I’m a lot of marriages this would be a therapy starter but if I look back with real honesty (and thanks to @Watchkeys and others in particular for the brains food ) this is not the first straw in a happy marriage it’s the last straw in a miserable, half hearted one. I’ve spent years wondering why his interest dropped when we got married, if I changed for the worse, if I stopped being pretty or fun enough to be worth it - it’s warped me.

His interest dropped when he had his visa sorted, I'm so sorry OP.

Annoyingkidsmusic · 14/09/2022 20:21

My OH earns what would be considered a fairly good, good wage in our area.

No way would he spend £90 on a meal out with a male friend though… a burger in the pub followed by £40 on drink, fair enough. But definitely not £90 on his share of a meal out. The whole scenario is a bit odd imo. I would be inclined to think your husband isn’t telling the truth.

DucklingDaisy · 14/09/2022 20:27

Congratulations on acting so fast now you know the truth, OP. You’re going to be so much happier without him. It sounds like he’s gradually been destroying your self-esteem for years, whether deliberately or inadvertently as he’s taken you for a mug. A household appliance as you said.

I might have a glass of Prosecco in honour of you.

ILoveYoga · 14/09/2022 20:33

I read your post/updates and my heart bleeds for you. I have such respect for your resilience snd your planning to move on. Yes, you believed his BS but you were being manipulated and gaslighted. Your eyes are now open and his lies won’t work. Move in. Steel your heart. Focus on your family, those who really love you. You’re worth it

0live · 14/09/2022 20:34

I like the sound of your sister @JasonWaterfalls

Straight talking, decisive action and Prosecco 🥂🍾

Please don’t feel embarrassed because you fell for this con man. Unfortunately they target intelligent, hardworking women who have a lot of compassion and empathy. The kind of women who see the best in everyone.

RandomMess · 14/09/2022 20:43

I'm sorry he love bombed you into marriage for his right to remain.

So glad you know you deserve happiness and have plenty of time left to recover and decide your future.

Fisifoofoo · 14/09/2022 20:47

I hope you can get a good deal financially out of all this, it’s the very least you deserve. Look up The Legal Queen on social media, she has lots of advice on financial affairs.

kimchifox · 14/09/2022 21:12

Well done for taking charge of the situation Op! You are doing amazingly well. I'm so glad you have such a supportive sister & I feel weirdly proud of you. Sending you loads of strength. You will be well shot of this despicable a-hole. You deserve so much better.

Somegirlsarebiggerthanother · 14/09/2022 21:13

@JasonWaterfalls im so sorry that he was such a bastard to you. You’re totally doing the right thing moving out, and getting on with your own life. Well done to you xx

LarchDragon · 14/09/2022 21:17

"So you're too poor to take your actual wife out for dinner but you can spend £90 on a fancy dinner with another woman? Care to explain why the woman you married is less importat than this supposed 'friend'?"

Lostinbrum · 14/09/2022 21:18

Well done you are showing your strength. You're doing amazing x

Oddbobbyboo · 14/09/2022 21:22

Huge well done for going to your sisters and dropping his sorry arse! The ego on some of these men….. shocks me x

momtoboys · 14/09/2022 21:24

Wow! I am so impressed by you. You are smart and strong and a few months from now you will be wondering why you put up with being treated so poorly. There is a good, kind, loving man out there for you if that is what you want. I'm so glad your sister is being supportive. Check back when you can...we'll keep you feeling supported.

Usernamepleasework · 14/09/2022 21:53

Wow you are an inspiration @JasonWaterfalls

and this hiccup will only make you stronger 💪🏻 Keep pushing forward and one day in the near future you will look back and you will be the one laughing at his loss 😘

TakeTheOffPisteRoute · 14/09/2022 22:26

He’s been grumpy and annoyed with me recently about my parents and work stuff

Whether he is right to be or not, he might just be genuinely having a shit time of it and feel he needs a distraction and bit of a blow out.

Most people have their escape mechanisms / guilty pressures to cheer them up / distract them without there being anything untoward behind them.

Whilst it may hurt I guess try to remember it's his personal money (fundamentally, although in my relationship we consider everything joint), it's an expensive dinner and not a cardinal sin, and overall may not be the end of the world.

ImAvingOops · 14/09/2022 22:31

You need to clear the rest of the joint account and inform the bank asap that you want to close it (before he runs up an overdraft). You need the money more than he does, since he can afford £90 dinners out! Don't worry about being 'fair' - time to look after yourself for a change.
If he's a second cardholders on your credit card, cancel his card. If you are second cardholder on his, tone to go shopping!
Personally, I'd clear the house of anything valuable - you might need it!

wellhelloitsme · 14/09/2022 22:47

TakeTheOffPisteRoute · 14/09/2022 22:26

He’s been grumpy and annoyed with me recently about my parents and work stuff

Whether he is right to be or not, he might just be genuinely having a shit time of it and feel he needs a distraction and bit of a blow out.

Most people have their escape mechanisms / guilty pressures to cheer them up / distract them without there being anything untoward behind them.

Whilst it may hurt I guess try to remember it's his personal money (fundamentally, although in my relationship we consider everything joint), it's an expensive dinner and not a cardinal sin, and overall may not be the end of the world.

Did you miss this bit?

he says all male/female friendships ‘have something in them’ and all men would secretly shag their female friends if they were asked, and she’s easier to take out than I am because she is funnier and less ‘careworn’.

kateandme · 14/09/2022 22:48

JasonWaterfalls · 14/09/2022 18:52

Dsis Prosecco is helping these thoughts along but, I was in an abusive relationship before him, spent three years single after it ended, of course I fell for the sparky interesting guy who seemed to like me, and of course I stuck around when he went hot and cold because it was a intermittent reinforcement which is PROVED to make you crazy and b I believed in making my marriage work. Made a lot of excuses. For myself too, I accepted crumbs from someone who seemed nice and dependable if a bit distant because it was much less scary than being alone again or finding another bad man.

six years is long but it isn’t so long. I’m not 40 yet. I don’t know I feel like I’m a lot of marriages this would be a therapy starter but if I look back with real honesty (and thanks to @Watchkeys and others in particular for the brains food ) this is not the first straw in a happy marriage it’s the last straw in a miserable, half hearted one. I’ve spent years wondering why his interest dropped when we got married, if I changed for the worse, if I stopped being pretty or fun enough to be worth it - it’s warped me.

Firstly you need to now drop the cruel words directed at yourself. This he will spit and use to draw you back.he won’t like being dismissed by a woman,by his wife,by his property.that won’t stand at all and he will either be evil or want to win you back to get control back. Do NOT let him have you. Do not let him steal more of your life.
and don’t blame yourself.have you seen the stats for domestic violence?your jot alone in being fooled and stolen and crumbling by mean horrible men.

if someone offered you a chocolate bar that was wrapped like your favourite wouod you assume what underneath was a fake? Or would you be happy to open up and enjoy? He’s played a fake. But now you’ve seen underneath.
it doesn’t mean anything on you just because it’s happened before.

and look at what you’ve done.your out. You did it.this is something many can’t manage.
you don’t have to live in misery anymore op.

your also out now.don’t go back.don’t step over that threshold.because you managed a really impressive step.you got out.