Dinner receipt? Is this the script? In such a muddle

[JasonWaterfalls]

Hi everyone,

my DH has been using the fact that we’re struggling like everyone else financially to not do things together like date nights anymore. No dinners or trips out, etc, as we ‘can’t afford it’ - I found a receipt in his coat pocket which I searched before putting it in the wash for dinner for £90. This was HALF the bill so they split it. Two meals multiple courses, Bottle of wine, the works. £180!!

its printed for the date he told me he was going to meet up with a friend, he said they grabbed a late curry and he only spent £15. He’s been off with me recently because I’ve been a bit consumed with my parents problems (they are not coping with cost of living at all and I think my dad might be dying slowly), says I haven’t been ‘present’ enough at home or giving us or the home enough attention. I feel sick and so sad since I found it, I haven’t said anything to him. I’m approaching 40 and don’t have much of my own.

im just so terrified and low. The £90 hasn’t come out of our joint obviously, so I guess his personal, but he said he didn’t have much and was putting as much as he could into the joint pot. I don’t know how to approach it. I feel like I don’t know anything anymore.

I wonder, what sort of Visa does he have ? Did he hook up with you to get the paperwork post Brexit ?
is he able to stay in the UK if he is divorced? because he will inevitably eat humble pie if his immigration status is at risk
Sorry

I havent caught up the msg yet but is it possible OP that he married you for a stay in he country??..
Im wondering his motive for continuing the marriage when he clearly does not like you ..

In the* country not he country

I was thinking the same because that would explain his absolute piss take of the OP.

Many EE countries are in the EU, so it's relatively unlikely that he married OP for a visa. He's likely to have come here under the free passage afforded to citizens of the EU.

Yikes, so sorry OP ❤️ I'd be gone like a shot if I were you

I’d not only be leaving him but I’d be making sure all his female friends know that he sees them as shagging potential - what a delight .

I don't know
especially after his comments about life

it could be that he sees wife = housekeeper, and that his fun life, social life, runs along side it.

Sorry to say I do also wonder re visa. Friends of mine had a Brexit marriage and told me the "leave to remain" - that phrase is mad - wasn't enough security, which I understand, but they were honest with each other about it.

I know of another EU worker, through my work, who has said he is looking to marry someone with British citizenship. He won't be honest about it either. He also holds some very alarming views about women but has learned not to express them. And there's a non EU worker who has actually asked me if I know anyone looking for a girlfriend.

A lot of it going on.

I'd let him come back, then casually drop into conversation, "So how was your meal at Giovanni's (or whatever the name of the restaurant is), I hear they do an excellent carbonara."
Just be very casual, and watch him squirm.
Tell him that you KNOW him and Little miss fake innocent and married went for a £180 meal and you'd like an immediate explanation. Then ideally bin him off, though I know this is easy for an outsider to say.
Don't ever accept him again telling you you can't afford to do anything together. You can go and sit in a bloody kebab shop for a five each if it takes. This man is full of shit. Don't accept his abhorrent treatment of you ever again.

I can guarantee when you ask him how his meal at X restaurant was, he'll pull that faux confused, what are you talking about face.

It's not a good idea for OP to play that sort of manipulative game. It's not healthy to deliberately make anyone 'squirm'.

OP needs to keep to the point and create as little drama for herself as possible, whilst extricating herself from this relationship. She already knows he lied.

Nothing to add that hasn’t already been said but I just wanted to post that I wish you lots of strength and I hope you can keep the clarity of mind to do what needs to be done.

I know what it’s like to have things twisted back on you as though you somehow deserve it but please know that you absolutely don’t and you are not responsible for his appalling and selfish behaviour.

I think saying he would shag her is still cheating in his mind by having those thoughts. I have a very close female friend who 90% of men would jump her bones but I don’t fancy her one bit.

Are you legally married?
Is there a chance he has another family?
Have you met his family?

Thanks all, things have moved a bit.

my sister and I packed for me to go and stay with her for a bit, we did uncover a few odd things, a couple more receipts (expensive, one a Radisson Blu hotel London stay, a couple of others I haven’t tracked down) and some not explicit but yearning romantic letters from someone with an EU return address, dated this year.

ive communicated briefly by text to say I’m staying with my sister, he is fuming that my family are involved already and that I won’t be there this eve. We’ve had the old chestnut about blowing his friendships out of proportion and he had the right to his privacy and so on but I told him v clearly it’s not a matter of privacy, it’s that you’ve been having swanky fun times with other women while telling me to keep the house and my personal spending on a shoestring. He says again that he knows this is wrong, has not actually said sorry though. He won’t discuss wanting to shag his female friends further, says there’s no point on going over it and it’s something men understand but women will never understand.

my sister has been open about the fact she thinks he married me swiftly to shore up staying in the UK. I’ve got my docs and taken the recent utility bills so I can ring the companies to close the joint accounts. I understand I can let them know I’m leaving the property at the end of the month and all further bills must be solely directed to him. I’ve cleared out half of the joint pot into my account. Not left a message with the landlord yet but I will, I’ve set a date for leaving the tenancy.

I could understand financial resentment as a PP suggested if he’d been carrying the whole show but actually I’ve still being paying 50/50 as much as possible from my own savings since job loss so he can’t even claim he’s been shouldering the burden alone.

Sadly I think he is lying to you. Red flags:

£90 his share of the bill - that’s an expensive restaurant and not a ‘mates catch up meal’.

lying about the cost and venue

Holding back some of his salary in his personal account that you have no access to or sight of. He probably has plenty in there to feel comfortable with paying so much.

Telling you to be more ‘present’ at home.

This is controlling behaviour and possibly coercive control.

You need to take steps to give yourself options

• keep a private note, password protected about everything he does/says to you that doesn’t feel right
• Try to work out how much he earns and how much he symphony’s off.
• Try to build up some savings. I know you are short for money but even a few hundred pounds would give you options
• Research coercive control and identify who you could contact
• monitor him, he may be having or trying to start an affair, in which case you have decisions to make.

I told him he’s been making a fool of me lying to my face about his little date nights and expecting me to remain a domestic appliance only worth emotional and physical crumbs and I was done.

Of course he is up to something OP. He is blaming you which is a sure sign of his guilt and he has had a secret £180 dinner.
I'd be confronting him with this and asking why he's spent so much money on one meal, lied about it then said he can't afford to take you out.
This is disgusting behaviour.

Still feel so bloody raw and stupid and desperate. I know I put up with so much more than I should have because I was so lonely when we met. I’ve compromised everything and come away with nothing except being laughed at behind my back.

Oh OP
I just want to give you a big hug
I can imagine it...he was beautiful and seemed like he really cared about you? Who hasn't fallen prey to that in one way or another.

you are doing the right thing.

Catching him out on your terms is better than him deciding the relationship is over imo.

Crikey. Certainly has moved on. Well done to you and your sister. She’s got your back. I bet he’s astounded to have his little wifey say no. You are so so right to do this. He’s really been gaslighting you, it’s all the whining about you looking out for your parents I would struggle to forgive. He should have been helping you do it, not making it harder.

@Zebracat and after weeks of telling me how it’s so good I take care of my family because family comes first elder respect blah blah blah - he’s right about one thing, they certainly come before him right now and there’s no way I can sort them out with this hanging over me.

What an absolute turd if of a man he is.

there is no shame in falling in love, and trying to make your marriage work. You have no need to feel humiliated. You have every right to be furious however.

I don’t know if it will make a difference but every person who has read your posts will be thinking dark thoughts about your “d”h. He sure has stored up a lot of bad karma through all of this.

I hope you find some peace tonight, at least you know now that you have to get out of this relationship. And your sister provides lots of hugs and comfort. Glad you have people IRL who will help you get through all this.

I might be gullible and dumb but when the scales fall or I truly feel humiliated I can move like you wouldn’t believe.