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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Dinner receipt? Is this the script? In such a muddle

532 replies

JasonWaterfalls · 13/09/2022 10:19

Hi everyone,

my DH has been using the fact that we’re struggling like everyone else financially to not do things together like date nights anymore. No dinners or trips out, etc, as we ‘can’t afford it’ - I found a receipt in his coat pocket which I searched before putting it in the wash for dinner for £90. This was HALF the bill so they split it. Two meals multiple courses, Bottle of wine, the works. £180!!

its printed for the date he told me he was going to meet up with a friend, he said they grabbed a late curry and he only spent £15. He’s been off with me recently because I’ve been a bit consumed with my parents problems (they are not coping with cost of living at all and I think my dad might be dying slowly), says I haven’t been ‘present’ enough at home or giving us or the home enough attention. I feel sick and so sad since I found it, I haven’t said anything to him. I’m approaching 40 and don’t have much of my own.

im just so terrified and low. The £90 hasn’t come out of our joint obviously, so I guess his personal, but he said he didn’t have much and was putting as much as he could into the joint pot. I don’t know how to approach it. I feel like I don’t know anything anymore.

OP posts:
Original poster
JasonWaterfalls · 14/09/2022 12:05

Not to be too outing about where he’s from but Eastern Europe, and not a country I thought was backwards particularly about equality in terms of employment etc but definitely with more socially defined gender roles (women create the home, men work). Example: He respects women who make high office like being a CEO but says they’re not seen as ‘wife material’ there.

OP posts:
AryaStarkWolf · 14/09/2022 12:16

JasonWaterfalls · 14/09/2022 12:05

Not to be too outing about where he’s from but Eastern Europe, and not a country I thought was backwards particularly about equality in terms of employment etc but definitely with more socially defined gender roles (women create the home, men work). Example: He respects women who make high office like being a CEO but says they’re not seen as ‘wife material’ there.

So pretty sexist then? You could tell that from the comments he made when you confronted him, he gave off an air of feeling like you are beneath him and have no right to question him as a man.

I really hope you do leave OP, you deserve a man who looks at you as an equal partner in a relationship

user1471538283 · 14/09/2022 12:16

I would have him on it. My ex took his mate out for his birthday a few days before mine but couldn't then buy me anything/take me anywhere for my birthday because he was broke. I went nuclear.

I would also never again buy him anything nice (like his favourite candy bar or pay for anything just for him including birthdays and Christmas) ever again. He can get his "mate" to do that.

user1471538283 · 14/09/2022 12:28

I am sorry I've just caught up or I didn't see all the updates.

I know you are devastated but I am so pleased for you that you are in a strong position. What he has done is so insulting. You rent so that is quite easily gone, you do not have DC so once he is gone you will never have to see him again. I know it is hard and I know money is a worry but you will be fine.

He will one day look back on this and everything he has lost. All for the sake of impressing a friend that he hoped to shag. If indeed this was the only time.

BigSkies2022 · 14/09/2022 12:32

He has been like a sulky little boy caught out with his hand in a sweetie jar.

This is an absolutely cracking line to use to him, if you haven't already. And again, if you haven't already, you can follow it up with, "and that is so unattractive and so very unsexy that I am repulsed by the thought of ever having you near me again.'

Start spending money on yourself and taking care of your own interests from this minute.

BigSkies2022 · 14/09/2022 12:48

Also, OP, I had a shitty first marriage which ended when I was 38. I had a young child, a job, a lot of responsibilities but I also had my freedom. I met a great man whom I worked with, and 18 years on we couldn't be happier. Life really did begin again for me in my late thirties - fulfilling work (with no distractions and undermining dickhead husband), freedom to parent as I wanted (ditto), and a relationship with someone who is kind, fair and intelligent, who really values me, loves our child (now a hulking adult!), and puts his family first. And has never resented fun, holidays and hard-earned money being spent on having a better life!

Anyway, this is obviously not about me, but my point is: it can feel like you have invested a lot in a relationship, and you should 'have something to show for it,' and therefore hold onto it. But you really don't have to because once you are free, life opens up again.

Aikko · 14/09/2022 13:00

JasonWaterfalls · 14/09/2022 12:05

Not to be too outing about where he’s from but Eastern Europe, and not a country I thought was backwards particularly about equality in terms of employment etc but definitely with more socially defined gender roles (women create the home, men work). Example: He respects women who make high office like being a CEO but says they’re not seen as ‘wife material’ there.

He basically wants a mummy at home who looks after the family - doing all the boring stuff, tending to his basic needs etc,... whilst at the same time he lives out a second life enjoying himself, dinning with OW in the hope of a fun shag.

He's definitely been doing this a while, and you deserve much better.

ScarlettnotOHara · 14/09/2022 13:02

Wow you’re trusting !! A coffee with a friend ok, a fancy meal, wining and dining would set off alarm bells for me !

Zonder · 14/09/2022 13:10

Can we talk when he gets home tonight. I do have to talk to him but I’m worried

Make sure you take charge of the conversation. You lead it, say why he should have been supporting you rather than living it up with a woman he fancies.

brianixon · 14/09/2022 13:14

Hi I have several mates from different parts of the world. I meet educated engineers and chemists way younger than me. But the way they talk about their rights and how life should be organised amazes me. All the women in their family should and mainly do defer to them. They are sophisticated in that they do not let these prejudices show in public. They know that more modern societies are changing but it is so ingrained for them to be superior. It is almost instinctive to be entitled as your man is.
He is being sulky and not coherent because he has never even had to think about defending his attitudes.

Being challenged has really upset his balance and driven him to be convinced that he is right. He will never change because he cannot.
Ducks in a row time, as they say here. Solicitor, and add in the money he should have spent on you.
If you do not go for his money which he values, he will not take you seriously. I think you should hold off confronting OW until you see what else comes out. But you should name and shame her somehow, she is not innocent and been taken advantage of. Over SIX years she has been colluding with him. Aiding and abetting.
This has become an essay so apologies for that OP.
ps. of course he has been shagging her. I doubt if platonic friendships with women exist in 'his world'.

kateandme · 14/09/2022 13:14

You need to stop using such derogatory terms and lines about yourself.
would you say what you said about yourself on your posts if your sister came to you with the same problem?go on try it on her visit say all the things you’ve aimed at you to her.heartbreaking thought eh.
now,what would you tell her?

Notaboutthebass · 14/09/2022 13:16

What are you doing with this prick? You said he's changed - he's just showing his true colours.

The way he's spoken to you is dispicable, you'd be very foolish to take him back. Sending you strength X

HaveringWavering · 14/09/2022 13:18

Wow. "Wife material"?

Bottom line is if 2 people love each other and want to be together they decide the terms of their relationship without any reference to what society thinks a "wife" should be.

This man does not love or respect you. To say that he doesn't want to be seen out with you because you are "careworn", and instead he'd rather have a laugh with his fuckable friend, is twattery of the highest order.

There is no coming back from this. He showed you who he was when he said the things he said. Don't let him backtrack now. Christ, he can't even get his misogyny straight- on the one hand you are the little wife at home keeping house while he lives his Best Life, on the other hand he's kicking off because you were careful enough to check his trouser pockets before you washed them.

Just think OP how nice it will be to be shot of him and have all the time in the world to focus on your career and friends.

StressedOutMumBex · 14/09/2022 13:19

Chewbecca · 13/09/2022 11:17

The aspect that suggests it was dinner with a friend, not date, is that the bill was split. Doesn’t excuse the lying and two tier treatment.

This

StressedOutMumBex · 14/09/2022 13:32

StressedOutMumBex · 14/09/2022 13:19

This

Show quote history

Sorry OP just read the rest of thread. What an arsehole, I hope you leave him and move on, I think you really might be better off without him.

Butchyrestingface · 14/09/2022 13:36

Wow, you poor thing, @JasonWaterfalls . What a weapons grade cunt. Hope you do leave him and find someone nice who appreciates you. Flowers

And yes, I'm another one thinks he's shagging her.

saraclara · 14/09/2022 13:41

Has he explained why he lied about what meal they had?

Beekindbeehumble · 14/09/2022 13:51

So sorry to hear this.
Have you managed to get a job since your redundancy? If you both work, then
if it was me I would stop doing all the “wifey” things that means he does not wish to spend time with you. So I would stop washing any of his clothes, doing any of his life admin, no cooking for him etc. I would also expect him to do 50% f all housework. Then you will have less stress, more energy!

Angip3 · 14/09/2022 13:59

"after losing my job during Covid and trying to keep my parents on an even keel"

Is it possible he resents the fact hes now the only income, could it be he thinks its ok as they SPLIT the bill but if he took you out he would be paying it all + all the other bills, not for one minute saying this is ok but it would be an explanation

LiesDoNotBecomeUs · 14/09/2022 14:05
Flowers Keep in mind - you deserve MUCH better than this. (Everyone deserves better than this.)

Don't excuse him and don't blame yourself.

On finances
Don't belittle your contribution to his ability to earn more than you.
At the very least, think about what he owes you for being his housekeeper over all this time. (Even minimum wage would be quite a sum.)

ifIwerenotanandroid · 14/09/2022 14:13

OP, I'd advise caution in speaking to him, solely for your own protection. You hold all the cards here in that you can walk away at any time. I wouldn't let him know what I was doing but I'd get everything sorted out behind the scenes.

I think the MN phrase for this stage is 'getting your ducks in a row', & more knowledgeable people than me can advise you.

ItsVeryHyacinthBucket · 14/09/2022 14:16

Sorry but what curry in a sit down restaurant can you get for £15? (presumably including a tip?) That's such a crap lie to start with. Alarm bells all over the shop.

girlmom21 · 14/09/2022 14:16

ItsVeryHyacinthBucket · 14/09/2022 14:16

Sorry but what curry in a sit down restaurant can you get for £15? (presumably including a tip?) That's such a crap lie to start with. Alarm bells all over the shop.

Loads of Indians by me you could get a curry and a naan for £15 easily

Leypt1 · 14/09/2022 14:31

Sorry he's such a prick OP :( Take care and take courage!

His "careworn" comment reminded me of this www.instagram.com/p/CgK2AAep1wQ/?utm_source=ig_web_copy_link

Dinner receipt? Is this the script? In such a muddle
deeperthanallroses · 14/09/2022 14:44

Honestly this is his absolute best attempt at fixing this? Saying I have a right to a private life?What a kick in the face.

A spouses private life doesn’t include the right to treat his partner like crap and take his friends out wining and dining for hundreds of pounds (there is no chance at all this is a first. If he says that he’s lying) more than you’re allowed to spend on food. That’s a fuck you I matter and I deserve nice things and you are the housekeeper.