Dinner receipt? Is this the script? In such a muddle

[JasonWaterfalls]

Hi everyone,

my DH has been using the fact that we’re struggling like everyone else financially to not do things together like date nights anymore. No dinners or trips out, etc, as we ‘can’t afford it’ - I found a receipt in his coat pocket which I searched before putting it in the wash for dinner for £90. This was HALF the bill so they split it. Two meals multiple courses, Bottle of wine, the works. £180!!

its printed for the date he told me he was going to meet up with a friend, he said they grabbed a late curry and he only spent £15. He’s been off with me recently because I’ve been a bit consumed with my parents problems (they are not coping with cost of living at all and I think my dad might be dying slowly), says I haven’t been ‘present’ enough at home or giving us or the home enough attention. I feel sick and so sad since I found it, I haven’t said anything to him. I’m approaching 40 and don’t have much of my own.

im just so terrified and low. The £90 hasn’t come out of our joint obviously, so I guess his personal, but he said he didn’t have much and was putting as much as he could into the joint pot. I don’t know how to approach it. I feel like I don’t know anything anymore.

I don't usually reply to these threads but i am so so angry on your behalf @JasonWaterfalls.

Hold on to that anger - I hope the 100% of posters here supporting you and telling you he's a prick will give you the courage to leave him.

Imagine how much lighter you would feel not having to tiptoe around him, not having him put you down all the time, not having to take his precious ego into account with everything you do.

You can make a new life for yourself, with you at the centre of it.

I wish you the best of luck💪

Just hold onto that anger, OP.

DON'T let him worm his way back. You've seen the man behind the mask and there's no going back. He'll never change. You have your life ahead of you and you deserve so much better than this.

PS: I am also curious about the cultural thing, though. Do you mind saying which part of the world he's from? Just curious because cultures of the Middle East, Asia and Africa have a very high regard for elderly parents and the need to care for them. Men from that part of the world would/should not be moaning if their DW was devoting energy to her parents.

@JasonWaterfalls he sounds really immature and actually really unpleasant and wearing to be around. Does he add to your life at all? Support you at all? I’ve just commented on another post that I think it is worse to feel lonely and unloved in a relationship/marriage than it is being alone, and you sound very alone at the moment x

Time to leave op, when the going gets tough he fucks off, he'll do the same when the time comes for your parents passing and anything else thrown your way, he's 1 stress you don't need, you cannot count on him for shit.
If the tables were turned I'd think hed be feeling a little differently if it were you that had gone out to dinner.
Stop doing anything for him around the house, buy yourself something nice to cheer yourself and do you for a change

because she is funnier and less ‘careworn’

Bloody hell OP that is appalling! My jaw dropped reading that. You’re stressed, busy and upset about your parents, of course you’re not going to feel like being “funny” on demand and as for CAREWORN? I couldn’t get past that, ever.

I don’t believe nothing’s gone on with this woman, but even if not, he wants/wanted it to and on top of that he’s defending that as normal! what an ocean-going arsehole!

and a (((hug))) from me.

''You are neglecting me so therefore I have the right to do X'' is not the script, its a special script in its own right.
Its often used by men who sulk if they don't get their own way; especially after their wives have given birth, or had an operation. In your case, you're unavailable because you are looking after your parents.
Its staggeringly selfish of him. Is he actually two toddlers in a coat?

Decent mean aren’t like this OP, I can’t stand these type of men that cant seem to look at a woman without thinking if he was have sex with her or not, it’s vile.
You know you deserve more than what he is giving you and you know his behaviour is not normal and not that of a loving husband.
I’d be showing him the door and would never speak to him again.

Oh I really feel for you. What a complete bastard this man is . Can you not just leave and move in with your parents. That way you can look after them and be away from that man. Cant see any point in talking he has totally disrespected you. My advice leave and dont look back.

He doesn't care at all! Can't even be arsed to lie! While he's out of the house, I'd be hunting through paperwork to find some info on the true state of his finances. Your solicitor will need this. You can't rely on him to be honest about what his assets are.
Don't let him back in the house. Personally I'd change the lock and tell him to go stay with his 'friend'.

My sisters here, she much more together than I am despite being quite heavily pregnant, bless her - she’s going to help me go through stuff. Thank you all so much for your support x

His sudden change of heart is probably because he has spoken to Mrs married lady who has gone into panic mode that you will say something to her husband.

It's now keep you quiet to avoid the secret spilling everywhere.

I read this and immediately thought he's absolutely having an affair. He's also trying to cover his arse to make it all your fault (saying you're not paying him enough attention...not doing enough at home..etc,etc) so that if he leaves he can blame it on you. I reckon he's biding his time and sussing out if his 'friend' will leave her husband.

Try not to preoccupy yourself with talking to him tonight. If you walked out without a word, he knows enough to know why because he's already defending himself. Remember that it won't be a conversation. All you're doing is telling him it's over. It's not a conversation. Any further arrangements can be made without seeing him.

You sound really strong and your anger will fuel you. It's your heart making its presence felt and demanding respect. It's shouting now because it really needs to be heard. Keep listening.

I'm sorry he's such a prick

sounds like an emotional affair at the very least. Either way - you deserve better. Please listen to your sister, I am sure she will know you and know what you should be doing next but we are here if you need us. Take care x

Not much to add to previous advice, and indignation on your behalf. But just want to say I'm sorry. He's a prick, and you sound much too good for him. Glad to hear that your sister is there. Look after yourself.

Sorry to hear this OP, glad you have your sister. Whatever the reasoning behind his decision the words and his actions are despicable. What an arse.

I too was wondering about the 'dating' phase. 6 years is not long really especially with the last 2-3 years where nothing has been 'normal'.
I recall the days pre kids fondly. We'd meet after work for dinner / cinema / theatre / cook together - much of this you can do on a budget too so it's no excuse.
You deserve all of this JW.
Not to be at the bottom of the list. Please put yourself as number 1 from now on.

As soon as you told me that he said 'All men secretly want to fuck their female friends' I thought DOUBLE BLUFF

I believe he deliberately 'revealed' something shocking to distract you from the fact that they ARE actually fucking. It's the same psychology as when criminals offer up the "Look, I admit I am not angel and I did do XXX but not YYY'. It's giving you a breadcrumb to fuck with your mind.

Or he might be planting the seed so that when it all comes out, you will be 'less shocked and angry'.

And his rage and stropping off to a hotel all screams defensive/deflective bullshit. I'm really sorry OP and I might be wrong, but I think he might have been playing you for a fool for some time .

Courage and dignity OP. And hugs.

So glad you have some real life support OP. Best of luck to you for the future

He’s not going to want to let you go if there is a chance of an inheritance on the horizon. Sorry but it’s true, just think of him spunking your parents hard earned money on taking out other women or whatever else he fancies whilst you sit at home eating beans on toast.
Divorce him pronto.

Agree. He's probably licking his chops over more free money. Get rid.

He's a user who found a victim he is quite happy to exploit.

You are still SO young. (I'd kill to be 39 again). You have plenty of time for a long, happy life either solo or with partner(s). Take it from me, do not waste your next 5, 10 or 20 years on this miserable situation. Life really is too short.

Fuck this guy! What a prick!

I’m glad you have your sister for support, and I’m so sorry things have been so tough with your parents lately. I can relate.

You’re 39 and you’ve got plenty of time to build a beautiful new life without this dirtbag. I can’t imagine what goes on in his head. Spending cash on a mate he’d like to fuck instead of taking his wife out to dinner to take her mind off the tough time she’s going through? He’s such a cad.

So sorry you’ve found this out. A normal loving husband would be the opposite seeing how much you’ve taken on with your parents and would help at home more and take you out to feel special, not sulk. All the things he said about taking women out is really not normal behaviour and he’s trying to justify it but you really deserve a loving supportive partner. My private life is with my DH 100%.