Dinner receipt? Is this the script? In such a muddle

[JasonWaterfalls]

Hi everyone,

my DH has been using the fact that we’re struggling like everyone else financially to not do things together like date nights anymore. No dinners or trips out, etc, as we ‘can’t afford it’ - I found a receipt in his coat pocket which I searched before putting it in the wash for dinner for £90. This was HALF the bill so they split it. Two meals multiple courses, Bottle of wine, the works. £180!!

its printed for the date he told me he was going to meet up with a friend, he said they grabbed a late curry and he only spent £15. He’s been off with me recently because I’ve been a bit consumed with my parents problems (they are not coping with cost of living at all and I think my dad might be dying slowly), says I haven’t been ‘present’ enough at home or giving us or the home enough attention. I feel sick and so sad since I found it, I haven’t said anything to him. I’m approaching 40 and don’t have much of my own.

im just so terrified and low. The £90 hasn’t come out of our joint obviously, so I guess his personal, but he said he didn’t have much and was putting as much as he could into the joint pot. I don’t know how to approach it. I feel like I don’t know anything anymore.

Hugs and kisses your way. 😘

Please find the strength to move on - and get rid of this shitbag who has been dragging you down.

What a nasty piece of work. OP you sound great and worth far more than this, at least he’s shown you his true colours now. You’re going to have a much better life without him dragging you down and keeping you stuck at home, being neglected and taken for granted, scrimping and saving so he has money for his separate “private” social life.

I can’t get over what a scumbag he is.

I'm not usually one to say LTB but what he said to you was abhorrent. Please have some self respect and leave him, you deserve better.

There's no coming back from what he said to you. You are worth so much more than that.

OP, you referred to his country of origin. Do you and he come from very different cultures? Is he from a culture that tends to treat women unfairly?

No matter how much he has hurt you, you will come through this.
No matter how complicated & challenging your parents’s circumstances are, you will come through this.

You are the most important person in this, & as much as you love & care for your parents, you must put yourself first. Do what you do now but with the guiding light all about you.

Cliche I know, but he has shown you who he is. His is a hypocrite, disloyal, dismal & likely a cheater. Time to end this charade of a marriage. Good to hear that you are to see a solicitor.

Read all your posts OP. He is a prick. You are renting, have no children so I would honestly separate. Hard short term, much much better long term.

Wow, he is a piece of shit, isn’t he? Vile misogynist who wants a wife/housekeeper and a pick and mix hareem on the side.
His rationale tells you all you need to know about his real character, and his actions hammer the truth home.

Hold on to your anger and use it to move on from him, without a backwards glance 💐

This is absolutely not on you. He sounds like a prize shit. I'm glad your sister is coming over.

when I read his response I knew he wasn’t U.K. by birth, it sounded like a cultural response. He’s got mental separation and your ‘job’ is to ‘wife’, not ‘life’.

please leave OP, no man is worth this.

While he is out the house, use that time and space to make copies / photos of ALL paperwork. Payslips, banks statements, tax returns, anything to do with savings or pensions. His, yours and anything joint.

I suspect that your marriage is quite short - maybe 3-4 years. And some of his assets may be in his country of origin so you can’t access them. But you never know what might be needed for the divorce.

Get all your personal documents ( password, driving licence , work documents, exam certificates ) together , make copies and then and give them to your sister to get them out of the house. Also sentimental things like old photos that you don’t want to lose.

Change the passwords on any thing that he knows or might be able to guess.

If you have any joint accounts then remove half the money into your own account in a different bank ( not another branch of the same bank ).

See a solicitor and do exactly what she tells you.

Don’t discuss any of this with your husband. So many women blurt it all out to him because they are angry, what to hurt him and show that they are serious about leaving . Deep down they thing that he will then apologise, turn over a new leaf and become the man they thought they were married to.

That never happens and all you are doing is showing him all your cards. So tell him nothing and don’t lick fights with him about what he’s done. Use all your time and energy to get away from him and get the best possible settlement.

What a disgusting creature this man is. My jaw dropped when I saw his response and I don't often get shocked on here. Have a LTB from me. You poor woman, he is disgusting.

At this point I probably wouldn't care whether he was having an affair with the friend or not. If my partner said those spiteful, horrible things to me, our relationship would be over regardless. How fucking dare he?

Definitely divorce territory for me and the way he's treated you.

I would swear on the Bible this isn’t the man I married though. Maybe it is an affair and it’s made him hate me. He’s never been extrovert with his affection but I can’t believe he really thinks those things either. I’ve had a few texts this morning:

it wasn’t sensitive to take her out: He didn’t mean his private life wasn’t my business just that he is entitled to some privacy (which of course I can’t deny) Just because men secretly fancy their women friends doesn’t mean he’d ever do anything about it because he loves me. Can we talk when he gets home tonight. I do have to talk to him but I’m worried

Oh, gosh, OP. I'm so very sorry. What an utter dick.

Don't let him reel you back in. You've seen him for who he actually is now (behind the mask).

He's just realised that without you doing everything at home, his life is about to get a lot more difficult and he wants to keep you at home (looking 'careworn' - arsehole!).

Please see a solicitor as soon as possible, I think you can get a free half hour consultation.

a bit less of the mysoginistic behaviour wouldn't go amiss. Women can pay for their own food and wine you know. Even if they're having an affair. What a shocker!

Actually, I'd go and stay with your sister instead. Or go and stay at a Premier Inn for the night.

Yes, you will have to talk to him at some point, but you don't have to do everything on his terms.

I'm sorry Op but you see this with so many threads here, man marries but his life outside is all about him, be it sport, drinking with his mates, or chasing other women. They think their DW or GF should be at home and taking care of the house and them when they come home.
Time to get angry, you didn't sign up to being his domestic appliance and left with scraps. How dare he be furious with you, he actually thinks this is not your business and you caused it by not being happy when you're so stressed.
Don't let him treat you like a second class citizen

@JasonWaterfalls tell him if he's aware it's not a men thing. Loads of women fancy their male friends. I hope you give him a good mouthful.

He’s realised he might be about to lose the neglected drudge at home, who facilitates his entire life for him.

Don’t let him continue to abuse you that way. It’s time to push this miserable cunt out of your life.

He’s realised he might be about to lose the neglected drudge at home, who facilitates his entire life for him.

Don’t let him continue to abuse you that way. It’s time to push this miserable cunt out of your life.

“he’s grumpy that you’re not lavishing him with enough attention because you’re worried about your parents.

And instead of taking you out to cheer you up and spend time with his wife, he extravagantly splashes out on a mate he would probably like to fuck”

I have to keep coming back to this basic behaviour. I’m sure I have been preoccupied and boring but that’s not a free ticket to go to a fancy dinner with another woman it turns out he would fuck in a heartbeat and then lie to me about it. It’s just bottom line not nice.

It’s up to you if you want to talk to him, you don’t have to. Whatever he says.

Or you might choose to listen to what he has to say but not say much / say nothing yourself.

Or you can just say you don’t know what you want and need time and space to think about it so could he move out for a few weeks.

I think you know that he’s now had time to put together a good story and he is not coming back to tell you he’s sorry. He’s coming home to tell you what you should think and feel and why you are wrong and he’s right.

He will want to railroad you into promising to stay at home, shut up and do what he tells you, like you have always done. Because that’s what suits him.

He will know how to push all your buttons and pull on your heart strings . He will say all the romantic things that reeled you in when you met him. How he can’t manage without you and you are the first woman who ever understood him or whatever his line is.

Then when you say “ Ok I still want you to leave for a month “ he will get angry again and all the nice words will be forgotten in seconds.

He sounds very like my ex husband and I feel anxious and scared just reading your posts. I was stupid enough to marry him and have two kids before I realised was he was actually like - at least you have seen behind the mask much sooner than I did. When you have small children it was hard to leave because he controlled all the money.

Im glad you are smarter than me and I hope you can escape from this man. You are still young and you have so much of your life in front of you .