Dinner receipt? Is this the script? In such a muddle

[JasonWaterfalls]

Hi everyone,

my DH has been using the fact that we’re struggling like everyone else financially to not do things together like date nights anymore. No dinners or trips out, etc, as we ‘can’t afford it’ - I found a receipt in his coat pocket which I searched before putting it in the wash for dinner for £90. This was HALF the bill so they split it. Two meals multiple courses, Bottle of wine, the works. £180!!

its printed for the date he told me he was going to meet up with a friend, he said they grabbed a late curry and he only spent £15. He’s been off with me recently because I’ve been a bit consumed with my parents problems (they are not coping with cost of living at all and I think my dad might be dying slowly), says I haven’t been ‘present’ enough at home or giving us or the home enough attention. I feel sick and so sad since I found it, I haven’t said anything to him. I’m approaching 40 and don’t have much of my own.

im just so terrified and low. The £90 hasn’t come out of our joint obviously, so I guess his personal, but he said he didn’t have much and was putting as much as he could into the joint pot. I don’t know how to approach it. I feel like I don’t know anything anymore.

@JasonWaterfalls what's his country of origin?

You've done amazingly. Do NOT let this worm wriggle back into your heart, whether through his own manipulation or your guilt. He's shown his true colours and they're shitty. Dick.

He says he has ‘taken nothing from me’ by taking her out whilst refusing to take me out because I’m ‘different.’ (??!!)

He has taken so much from you for years: Honesty. Equality. Support. Appreciation. Inclusion. Shared social life.

It’s so troubling that your ‘normal’ has been exclusion and financial abuse; that he has caused you shame and disappointment because he didn’t want to be seen out in public with me…I was swerved out of the way of.

JW, this is an unremorseful, self-serving liar who is still treating you with contempt. Even if he dials down the financial abuse, he expects you to accommodate his ‘Peter Pan whims’ and his ‘private life,’ i.e., pursuing, building intimacy, and splurging on women he wants to shag. I call that infidelity.

In my view, staying with this man would be a form of self-harm.

I have a theory OP
if money has been tight since you lost your job
maybe dh resents you for it ..
And maybe hes been confiding in this female "friend" and talking smack about you to her ..
And he could be telling her all the details of your marriage problems

Women are competitive maybe shes putting on a show of paying half the bill to show him "im not like your wife" and shes doing the pick me dance

Alot of women do this when they want a married man ,
the man tells her all his wifes business and the OW will use that info to her advantage

If the wife doesnt cook, she will become a chef
If the wife is depressed, she will be happy go lucky
If wife is unemployed, she will make sure she pays for everything herself

This woman may be unhappy in her own marriage and now shes trying to wreck yours
Using your husband as an ego boost

All the updates on her life are just her playing damsel, and its part of emotional cheating
Why is your OH being her knight in shining armor? taking her for dinner and lunches, listening to her problems ..

These are things that he should be doing for you, his wife, especially now that you are going through a rough time

He has abandoned you
He is not acting like he wants to be married and he is a liar and he is disloyal
i would be worried that he is having an affair, or planning too..
Hes already cheating emotionally

There are also many dates that are free or very cheap, so he is making excuses not to spend time with you
Maybe because he is spending time with this woman

Has he always shown lack of empathy to you?

You ask if this was the script? He is following it to the letter. The guilt at being caught, the gaslighting, the deflection.

what I have gathered from your posts is that you are a strong, clever, loving, young woman and you WILL get over this and meet someone better in time.

please, please call it a day. Get a SHL on board so you will at least have some money to start again. Concentrate on your parents.

be warned, once he knows your serious, the next part of the script is him making a huge fuss of you to reel you back in and feel wanted. If that doesn’t work he will get nasty.

you can do it xx

He just not a good person. You can mourn the person you believe you married. But do not think any of this is your fault. He pretended to be someone he is not. You can’t make it work with a man that simply lacks character.

He has not been a partner to you, either. A partner would support you while you are going through this difficult family time.

Please rip off the plaster now and dump his arse! He is not a good man, he is not respectful of you. You deserve better x

I think he planned this.

If you're having an affair you don't put the receipt in your pocket. That's just a cliche.

When we have been out we keep the receipt in the booklet thing they put it on and leave it there. Who needs a receipt? Especially if you're wanting to keep it secret.

I think he knew you would find it and accuse him. That's what he wanted to happen.

This way it's easier for him to say you split because of your insecurities.

He was too much of a wimp to tell you the truth.

He will say you pushed him away blah blah.

I’m sorry you’re in pain. Your husband sounds awful. Move forward and throw this slimy fish back in the sea. I hate to say it but your story screams of this betrayal bring the tip of a very nasty iceberg!

His private life is not your affair? He sounds very odd OP.

OP my heart is breaking for you. I have been in your shoes when meeting up with female friends became more important than I was (in fact he left me for her, my best mate of 25 years)

YOU ARE WORTH SO MICH MORE THAN THIS

Leave, get out and there will be someone out there who knows your worth

Oh I'm so so sorry. He is behaving appallingly to you. The gaslighting is awful!!

Please don't blame yourself. He sounds like an absolute vile pig. What the hell does he mean he has taken nothing from me by taking her out? Yeah he has! Time and now y he could have spent on you. What's he doing taking another woman for an expensive meal? Men and women just can't be friends. There's always more.

Oh OP what a terrible shock for you.

Glad you have some real life support.

You put yourself down but you are clearly smart and sound extremely self aware.

You are worth so much more than this. You'll be okay. Not immediately but in time.

39 is still young. You have so much more life to experience without him dragging you down and playing on your insecurities.

You married him to be his wife and share your lives. If you had wanted to become a live-in housekeeper, you would have done that (probably with much better terms.)

He committed to join lives when he married you, and he's badly short-changed you. Deceitfully too.

Find your anger, and use it to carry you through divorcing. No more Ms Nice Person.

Please leave this horrible man. You are worthy. He is not.

I hope you get some rest. Good that your sister is coming around.
It’s really shit.
He has admitted that he lied to you, but he is justifying it by blaming you, when actually as your husband, he should have been supporting you. You are not wrong to be angry.

You absolutely must bin him.

I’m an idiot and a lot of this is my fault

No it isn’t @JasonWaterfalls , he is an absolute monster.

I can't even begin to comment on his "defense" he is absolutely hideous.
At the beginning of the thread I thought he'll minimise your 40th as you can't "afford" to do anything nice.

Now I think the best 40th present to you should be you leaving him. The way he talks about you being "present" with your parents situation and Dads health is truly disgusting.

Really feel for you OP x

He sounds awful and this is not your fault so you shouldn't blame yourself. You tried to do things, go out and do fun things but he didn't want/need to because he was already doing them with others.

The hypocrisy of the money though ... and going to a hotel ... it all suggests he's happy to spend money as long as it's on him.

You sound strong and smart and will be better on your own. Good luck.

I have to agree about the affair and deflecting to make it YOUR fault. Only one person responsible for our own actions and that is US. cannot make someone else do something they don’t want to do. Only thing you are responsible for is YOU what he does is up to him. It’s a BIG shock -I know cos I went through it. Do not put up with it -that’s what I did and paid the price. Once a cheater-always a cheater. Sorry but it’s true. It was my mum who suspected him first, not me. I ignored all the Clues SHE left I must be one of those who likes to HIDE HEAD IN SAND. DONT fool yourself .This is NOT out of character for him and it takes 2to Tango so is not all her fault. Be there when he tells kids he is leaving. Beware no matter what he says he will change (people ALWys Do ) amicable divorce does not exist. Put money away so he can’t get it. You will need money to live and for kids. Look after yourself cos he will not, no matter what he says.

His defence is pathetic. Your better off without this man child.

What an unkind and disrespectful little man. Have my first LTB.

Please see a solicitor today. You absolutely deserve a better life than this. xx

Sometimes people leave obvious things for you to find so they are not the one to have to tell you. MIGHT be that but he has still cheated. Up to you how you approach this.