Partner wanting me to work more hours so he can do less

[BowieLover]

Been together 15 yrs&have a 14 yr old DD.
Dp is an HGV drivers,who starts work anytime from 2am to 6 am.He has 2 days off a wk,not always the same ones.Can finish &be home anywhere between 10am&3pm,depending on what route he's on. Once he's home he doesn't really do alot.He will take washing out drier if I ask him to beforehand.He puts out all the rubbish& recycling &cuts the grass(we have a big garden so lots of it!) He won't poop scoop,that's my job.He also does the shopping,as he passes a supermarket every day to go to work.
I work pt at our local school,as both a breakfast club supervisor &a lunch time supervisor.Do all the housework& cooking.We share helping DD with homework,mostly.
He will wash up when he's on a day off or on a Sunday,if I cook a roast,but that's not very often as he usually says he doesn't want one if he's working as he doesn't wanna wash up.
He's said a few times now,that I could get a job with more hrs now&do 5 days a wk(which I do now) so he can drop down to 4 days. I don't have a problem with getting more hrs now that dd is older but I do with him wanting me to do it just so he can drop his! I have said to him,well you'll have to do the majority of the housework then if that's gonna happen &he never answered me.
Am I being selfish/unreasonable?
I've spoken to a friend about it&she thinks it's a great idea for me to being changing jobs/do more if I want to but not in the way dp wants me to.She thinks he's taking the mick a bit as she says u already work 5 days a wk same as him&do all the housework&cooking!
I feel like I'm at a bit of a crossroads really.

Make a list of the amount of time you each spend doing things that need to be done - working, commuting, housework, meal planning, shopping, cooking, gardening, taking care of finances, give DD lifts etc etc. List it over a month.
Then you can see which of you needs to be doing less.

There’s no reason why you couldn’t increase your hours, and I think it’s ok for your partner to want to work fewer hours given you’ve done so presumably since your child came along. There would be a natural shift of balance in household tasks to a more equal split. Or you both work equal hours so he drops a bit and you pick up a bit.

You've got a 14yo not a baby - why can't you work more hours / get a different job? You've got a 14yo not a small one that needs childcare.

I think you are being a little unreasonable yes. Why does he suddenly have to do the majority of the housework if you're going to be working presumably 40 hours to his 32-36 hour 4 day week (based on the hours you've given there).

I think you should insist on the housework being split 50/50 absolutely. And maybe look into 4 day week/less than 40 hour work week yourself so you BOTH feel like you have equal free time.

I'd be looking at finding yourself a better paid job for the following, nothing to do with division of labour...
Because you arent married
Your daughters old enough to cope on her own for a few hours now
You will be able to improve your standard of living/save for your old age

How many hours a week do you work?

Many couples both work long hours and have to do the housework around that.

I'd chat with him about what he does around the house, and state that if you work more hours he will need to do more at home.

You work part-time and he works full-time (and in a job that requires a lot of attention and focus on safety). I think it makes total sense for him to drop down to part-time and for you to increase your hours. You shouldn't really have any childcare needs now with a teenager and it sounds like your partner is home by 3pm anyway, so could keep an eye on things at home. Yes, of course, you'll need to re-balance who does what, but sounds like he's been carrying a lot of the working load and you've been carrying a lot of the household load for a long time. No reason not to change and you'll both need to shuffle around and figure out the new normal.

As I've already said,I have no problem doing more hrs,more with him wanting to do less.
Jelly&Exhausted,they're both good ideas.I know he gets tired,we both do.
I just have a feeling, if I suggest 50/50 on the housework,he won't agree.Hes not the easiest man to talk to.

Sounds like your DH is a bit fed up with driving- could he find a different job or get a part time job near home on the 5th day?

I think you are being pretty unfair, those hours are really brutal to try to work around family life so tbh I can understand why he expects you to do most of the work around the house. Shifts like that really affect your functioning.

I think you upping your hours, him lowering his and doing some more agreed tasks on his extra day off is fair, and will probably be nicer for you all as a family too.

Or could you increase your hours and he gets a lower paid jobs, they’re crying out for bus drivers for example.

He's been doing the driving about 4 yrs now,was in warehouse before that for 9 yrs.
He seems to have this thing in his head that now he's 57(I'm 55) hes getting too old to do some things anymore.Hes the same with some things with dd.Thinhs he'd always done before with her,he won't anymore.
As I've said I've no probs with getting more hrs or leaving DD alone as I already do this when I go to breakfast club.I leave much earlier than she does.She has her own key etc That is not the issue.

You can't be doing much more than 15 hours a week, presumably on minimum wage, in the job you've described. Shifts like you're talking about will be very hard for him as he approaches 60. Yeah, I think you should up your hours and enable him to reduce his. Your child is long past needing any kind of childcare, it's time for you to step up a bit financially.

I think you should up your hours.

I think he should do more stuff (maybe agree he cooks 2 or 3 times a week for instance.
With 1 14 year old and 2 adults, is there really that much housework?

I'd suggest you all (including the 14 year old) spend an hour blitzing the house at he weekend, which will break the back of it.

He seems to have this thing in his head that now he's 57(I'm 55) hes getting too old to do some things anymore.

I think his work pattern in a job with a high level of responsibility for safety would be hard to sustain as he gets older. You may find if his work life eases up a bit he may have more energy for the things he used to do with your DD.

I think again for men can be a bit tricky in terms of adjusting, slowing down etc. Women tend to have a natural “break” whereby menopause is a very clear sign that physically you’re changing, which naturally brings thoughts of older age, slowing down (or not in most cases I know), but it brings the ageing process into consciousness. Men don’t have that physical time clock but still do feel the impact of growing older - I’d give some weight to his “getting older” worries.

Breakfast and lunch can't be more than 5h a day? So you do 25h, term time so get all school holidays and he dos 40h or more with minimum holidays?

Things are very unequal currently. I understand, if he is suffering from exhaustion that he would be resentful of your much easier life.

What are your plans for retirement, OP? Do you have a pension? Does he? If so, are you planning on getting married? What would your situation be like if you split up? What do your finances look like in 10 years time? Can you afford for you to work so few hours and still provide for your old age/daughter in higher education, etc?

Personally I think those are more pertinent issues to think about.

I think you are being really unfair. You are in a much better position than him and I think it's harsh that you resent him dropping one day a week. He's not doing nothing now is he, he's doing the food shop for a start and picking up the dog poo takes about 30 seconds. You should have increased your hours ages ago.

How many hours a week do you work?

What things does dh think he's too old to do?

My dh is a truck driver and does similar hours. I think it's a good idea, but before you make any plans I'd be crystal clear on what the division of labour will be when/if it happens.

I’m presuming that he’s worked full time unsociable hours for the majority of your relationship? I think it’s only fair he drops his hours a bit now your daughter is old enough to not need you as much, he should be doing 50:50 with the housework though, it’s not fair for you to both work full time, but you do almost all the housework still.

Hmmm, it's funny that some dads want to reduce hours when the DC no longer require active childcare. Did he ever express an intention to do this when you had a preschooler?

I agree that there's no need for you to work part time now, but your life should be becoming easier now your child is grown and that will require your DP stepping up responsibilities at home.

I think it would be entirely reasonable for you to increase your work hours and for him to drop a day. The housework should be adjusted accordingly to a fair division of labour. He’s currently working long hours in a difficult shift pattern. Dropping one day a week could make a big difference for him. It’s also very stressful to be the main wage earner. I can understand why he would want to share that burden.

It sounds as if your friend thinks you need a new challenge in your work. What do you want to do with your remaining working life? You probably have at least another 10-12 years before you can retire. Do you want to do this job for all those years or do you want to do something different, because now would be a perfect time to make that move. I would start from that perspective and see where the plans take you. In terms of your oh yes he might need to do a little more - although he already does more than some, but until you know what your move in terms of work is, it may not be easy to know what he will need to do. Say if you are working 12-8 then obviously he would need to take on the evening cooking, but if you were working 8-4 maybe it would make more sense for him to do something else.

Driving that many hours a day is knackering.

My DP does similar, is 'only' 53 and can fall asleep as soon as he has eaten after getting home. Worries me sick.

Why don't you take on an extra day, he loses a day and just helps out more at home?