Partner wanting me to work more hours so he can do less

[BowieLover]

Been together 15 yrs&have a 14 yr old DD.
Dp is an HGV drivers,who starts work anytime from 2am to 6 am.He has 2 days off a wk,not always the same ones.Can finish &be home anywhere between 10am&3pm,depending on what route he's on. Once he's home he doesn't really do alot.He will take washing out drier if I ask him to beforehand.He puts out all the rubbish& recycling &cuts the grass(we have a big garden so lots of it!) He won't poop scoop,that's my job.He also does the shopping,as he passes a supermarket every day to go to work.
I work pt at our local school,as both a breakfast club supervisor &a lunch time supervisor.Do all the housework& cooking.We share helping DD with homework,mostly.
He will wash up when he's on a day off or on a Sunday,if I cook a roast,but that's not very often as he usually says he doesn't want one if he's working as he doesn't wanna wash up.
He's said a few times now,that I could get a job with more hrs now&do 5 days a wk(which I do now) so he can drop down to 4 days. I don't have a problem with getting more hrs now that dd is older but I do with him wanting me to do it just so he can drop his! I have said to him,well you'll have to do the majority of the housework then if that's gonna happen &he never answered me.
Am I being selfish/unreasonable?
I've spoken to a friend about it&she thinks it's a great idea for me to being changing jobs/do more if I want to but not in the way dp wants me to.She thinks he's taking the mick a bit as she says u already work 5 days a wk same as him&do all the housework&cooking!
I feel like I'm at a bit of a crossroads really.

Based on your last couple of posts it seems like you just don’t want to be with him anymore, he’s joyless and nit picky and makes your life more difficult.

jelly

They wouldn't be working similar hours said no way would he ever do similar amounts of housework. This is the kind of pipedream a man would put forward, especially the part where you implied he should get to do less than her because she did less when the children were small - most crack pot, CF I've ever read here. I really think (and this is quite something as I've never thought it before) that you're a man and it doesn't get much worse than that on mumsnet.

@Howardsbend I’m most definitely not a man - and you’ve lived a pretty sheltered life on here if you think the worst thing ever on mumsnet is that someone might be a man.

TBH reading all of the OPs posts, the number of working hours they both do is the very least of her problems.

I said to him yesterday afternoon about dd would have to start doing more to help out&that I think I'm gonna go for that job&he said 'Are u?' I said well yea,if you're wanting to drop yr hrs&me to do more then yea we all have to step up.He said 'I was only having a bit of fun!' I said no u weren't,you've said it a couple of times now,on different occasions &it didn't sound like u were joking.He never answed me.Dd came home from school shortly after so that was the end of that!
I think he only said that because I told him he'd have to do the majority of the housework,the other day&he doesn't want to so he's back tracking.
I'm so confused!

I don’t understand why you are insisting he has to do the majority of the housework. If you are working equal amounts then the housework is split equally?

15 hours a week is a pisstake when you have a 14 year old!

Why would he have to do most of the housework if you worked full time?! You don’t do it all now even though you work so few hours. You’re throwing your toys out of the pram and being ridiculous. It’s no wonder the two of you have such poor communication. You seem to feel completely justified in your unreasonable position and don’t give a shit what he thinks or what toll his job and the financial responsibility on his shoulders is taking.

Whether you stick with your current hours or work more you need to equip your teen with appropriate skills. You do her not favours by babying her. She should be pitching in because it’s fair, sensible and good for her. Not used as a threat because dad is really mean and wants mum to work a bit harder so mum wants everyone else to suffer.

Your relationship sounds crap. You have nothing good to say about him, you seem to despise him. He’s resentful that you’ve been selfish and lazy and refuse to step up even though he’s exhausted. When you inevitably break up you’ll need your own proper income and pension contributions. Unmarried he won’t owe you a bean.

You’ve got plenty of motivation to take this seriously, I wonder if you will.

If u read through all the thread properly,you'd know what was said,when&the whys& wherefores.

My dad did shifts for 40 years and now in his 70s you can really see the effect on his health. He looks elderly compared to my sprightly mum the same age. I would support him doing less tbh if at all workable.

I have read the whole thing if that was aimed at me. You working full time doesn’t in any way mean he has to do all the housework. Just like you don’t do it all now.

Happymediocretime Yes that's what I'm planning to do.Will try&talk to him again later or tomorrow when he's home properly.
Annelovesgilbert I didn't say he had to do it all,but the majority,first of all.He doesn't do more housework than me at present.
I'm more than happy for us to share it/do it between us,I just don't think he will.

@AnneLovesGilbert has nailed it. Why would he have to do the majority of housework if you are both working full time hours?

You split it 50-50. Thats what most couples in a functional equal relationship would do.

However from what you have said, your relationship sounds toxic.

And seriously, lol at a teenager doing chores?? You are doing your daughter no favours at all.

Dear god.

I didn't say he had to do it all,but the majority,first of all.

No he bloody doesn’t.

He doesn't do more housework than me at present.

Of course he doesn’t! He’s working himself into the ground and you’re not.

What do you do in the school holidays?

What you do now barely counts as a job tbh. Why would he need to pick up the majority of the house work? Am assuming you live in a fairly small house, with no small children around, what on earth amount of housework are you expecting to get on top of you?

How long have you worked 15 hours? If you separated tomorrow you'd be expected to work full time and hold down a house. If he cut down to 15 hours and you went full time could you afford the life you have? You don't seem to much of a team player. I'm not surprised he's saying he wants to cut down

OP if you go up from say 15 hours to 30 hours a week and he drops from full time to 30 hours, then why would he have to do the majority of the housework. Surely you'd both take half. It does sound like he does nothing now and it might be challenging to get him to do half but I don't see why you are saying he would have you do most of it

I'm surprised he stuck around for this long.

I suspect his job is extremely tiring and that makes it dangerous.

A man that has done nothing? He does a damn site more than the OP, who frankly has been taking the piss out of this man for years.

Working 15 hours during term time and then moaning about housework is a joke, and it sounds like he does a few bits too! As nobody does five hours of housework a day, she has essentially being enjoying leisure time for years whilst he works long hours.

I am incredulous that she has started a thread with the starting position that he is unreasonable here! It is always useful to think about things if the sexes eee reversed. Oh my goodness can you imagine if there was a man that worked 15 hours a week during term time and asked if his wife was being unreasonable if she asked him to increase.