Partner wanting me to work more hours so he can do less

[BowieLover]

Been together 15 yrs&have a 14 yr old DD.
Dp is an HGV drivers,who starts work anytime from 2am to 6 am.He has 2 days off a wk,not always the same ones.Can finish &be home anywhere between 10am&3pm,depending on what route he's on. Once he's home he doesn't really do alot.He will take washing out drier if I ask him to beforehand.He puts out all the rubbish& recycling &cuts the grass(we have a big garden so lots of it!) He won't poop scoop,that's my job.He also does the shopping,as he passes a supermarket every day to go to work.
I work pt at our local school,as both a breakfast club supervisor &a lunch time supervisor.Do all the housework& cooking.We share helping DD with homework,mostly.
He will wash up when he's on a day off or on a Sunday,if I cook a roast,but that's not very often as he usually says he doesn't want one if he's working as he doesn't wanna wash up.
He's said a few times now,that I could get a job with more hrs now&do 5 days a wk(which I do now) so he can drop down to 4 days. I don't have a problem with getting more hrs now that dd is older but I do with him wanting me to do it just so he can drop his! I have said to him,well you'll have to do the majority of the housework then if that's gonna happen &he never answered me.
Am I being selfish/unreasonable?
I've spoken to a friend about it&she thinks it's a great idea for me to being changing jobs/do more if I want to but not in the way dp wants me to.She thinks he's taking the mick a bit as she says u already work 5 days a wk same as him&do all the housework&cooking!
I feel like I'm at a bit of a crossroads really.

As your DC is 14 now and I'm assuming can be left on their own for a few hours I'd tell him you're more than happy to look for another job or even add another PT one to up you're hours to contribute financially so that he can lower his hours.
In return I'd also want to know whether he's going to contribute to helping with the household chores as in washing, cooking, cleaning etc or if preferred contribute financially to someone coming in to do the cleaning/ironing/gardening.
If he has no intention from the off then there's his answer as to why you won't up your hours to suit him lowering his.

I’d be more worried this will become a pattern of him being ’too old’ for everything.

is that what you want? A man slowly slipping into idle retirement?

how do you plan for your life to turn out once DD is an adult? Idle retirement or do you have bigger aspirations?

this is more than him wanting to reduce hours imo. And yes it is about him wanting to do less housework but also him just sinking into not doing very much at all

Yes I've said leaving DD isn't the issue.Shes used to being on her own every morning term time as I leave for work much earlier than she does.She has her own key.
Yea this is my thinking.He either needs to help out with housework more,or pay for someone to come in&I can't see him wanting to go for the latter at all to be honest!

I don't really know how I want my life to turn out.Neither of us have ever had a plan.To be honest&I have told him this,I dread it when dd leaves home&it's just the 2 of us! There's not much conversation most days&he never wants to do anything together just us.
We have holidays etc but he wouldn't dream of having a weekend together just us or anything like that.Ive suggested having a date nite once a month but he's not interested.

To be fair, 15 hours a week is very minimal. I understand why your husband would like you to work more so he can cut back on the hours of his demanding job.

It may not be a popular view on MN, but I think that if one partner works considerably fewer hours than the other, that person should be responsible for the majority of the housework. If both partners have comparable work schedules outside the home, the housework should be split equally.

If you increase your hours to 35-40 a week, it would be entirely reasonable to share the housework 50-50. I can see that you are doubtful that he would agree to that, and that would definitely be a sticking point for me. So I'd insist he do his fair share or hire a cleaner.

To he honest no reason you can’t work full time and given he’s been working full time for years versus you part time I don’t see the problem. But I’d let him know he will need to do more around the house.

Why don’t you swap-you work 40 hours a week and he works 15?

15 hours a week???

And what if he said you have to start paying 50% of household finances, like many couples?

She thinks he's taking the mick a bit as she says u already work 5 days a wk same as him&do all the housework&cooking!

You don't though OP.

If we define housework and cooking as work then you still don't work the same hours as him, nowhere near unless you're cleaning an extraordinarily large house top to bottom each day needlessly.

I wouldn't say this if you had sole care of an infant daily of course, as that's absolutely a full time job.

But you have a teenager and work 15 hours a week.

How many hours a day do you think you're spending cleaning and cooking?

It can't be equal to his working hours, so 5 hours of cleaning and cooking a day, that would be absolutely barmy. So it won't be close to that much.

So it's fair of him to feel it's a reasonable request for you to up your hours.

To be honest&I have told him this,I dread it when dd leaves home&it's just the 2 of us! There's not much conversation most days&he never wants to do anything together just us.
We have holidays etc but he wouldn't dream of having a weekend together just us or anything like that.Ive suggested having a date nite once a month but he's not interested.

This is such an unhealthy dynamic for a 14 year old to be living with. She's learning that this is what a relationship looks like. That it's a normal and healthy relationship.

If you don't want her to end up replicating it as an adult, all the more reason for the two of you (your DH and you, not her and you) to have a serious talk about not just work but your future.

Better to see unhappy parents single and thriving than miserable with each other and resentful.

Can you see how damaging it is for a child growing up thinking this is a normal relationship dynamic?

15 hours?

Maybe it's time to join the real world and go full time. Give the poor bloke a rest.

Many many people work full time AND do their housework believe it or not. I certainly do.

Sorry op, you're taking the piss. 15hrs is less than half of a full time job.

I think OP expected full support to stay on minimal hours, keeping her cosy domestic life whilst he slogged away for 40 hours a week.
To be honest OP, I work in excess of 50 hours a week and have 2 children. My husband is not domestically great (but not in the ltb camp) and somehow even with a joint total of over 100 weekly hours worked we manage to live in a clean and tidy home.
My 16 year old is currently making tea for his younger sibling so his dad and I can go out for a meal, because as a family we all appreciate each others effort.
If my husband worked 15 hours a week term time with one teenager in the house and came crying to me about housework I know where I'd be telling him to go🙄

I know well hello,I've been thinking about it alot.

Sounds like pretty long hours for him sometimes and I think it is time for you to step up in terms of bringing home the bacon!
And yes, a discussion is required about better sharing of housework. But with just one 14 year old, i think you will manage!

Can you also see people's point re the disparity in hours?

You can't be doing five hours of cooking and cleaning daily (and if you were it would be completely needless) so you aren't both working full time, your friend was silly to say that you are.

Seems OP is determined not to 'get' the disparity in their work load as currently it works in her favour.

If you leave him you’ll have to work far more than 15 hours and still do the cooking and cleaning.

OP aside from everything else, you really really need to consider going full time to plough money into your pension - there is absolutely no guarantee that state pension will cover your costs when you are older and your private one will be worth very little. Please look into your pension, you've still got a good few years work left to give yourself an okay pot.

Hmmm, I was with you until the natural shift part. Too often when this happens we see the bloke fail to increase his share of the housework correspondingly. I can quite understand why OP would be concerned about that.

FFS, imagine only working 15hrs a week term time only and moaning about having to do the housework.

You're on another planet op.

Shift work and driving is exhausting. I work on an ambulance and I struggle if I do 5 days.

I don't blame him for wanting to drop a shift and he is right you can work and do more than you do.

Ideally you are right.
In practice a man who has done nothing for the last 15 years will struggle to ‘find a balance’ where he is doing more chores.
esp as he is clearly wanting to use that time for himself!!

@BowieLover you are right about laying down the law before hand. Less hours for him and more hours for you means he does more housework/chores. And NOT just the ones he fancy doing! The other ones, such as the poo cleaning too!

By that standard, I assume you also mean that women should be doing ALL the housework and parenting ALL the time because that’s would happen if they were divorced?

What a crazy way to look at things. They are a couple, they should share the load.
Working part time does not equate being the skivvy for the man in the house. He should still be participating, not just ‘helping when he is asked’

15 hours a week is a piss take. You could up yours and he could decrease his and then split the chores.

@billysmallnuts l see where you’re coming from. I have done 15 hours of overtime this week, on top of my standard 37.5 hours. Whilst dying from morning sickness and yep, also doing housework