Partner wanting me to work more hours so he can do less

[BowieLover]

Been together 15 yrs&have a 14 yr old DD.
Dp is an HGV drivers,who starts work anytime from 2am to 6 am.He has 2 days off a wk,not always the same ones.Can finish &be home anywhere between 10am&3pm,depending on what route he's on. Once he's home he doesn't really do alot.He will take washing out drier if I ask him to beforehand.He puts out all the rubbish& recycling &cuts the grass(we have a big garden so lots of it!) He won't poop scoop,that's my job.He also does the shopping,as he passes a supermarket every day to go to work.
I work pt at our local school,as both a breakfast club supervisor &a lunch time supervisor.Do all the housework& cooking.We share helping DD with homework,mostly.
He will wash up when he's on a day off or on a Sunday,if I cook a roast,but that's not very often as he usually says he doesn't want one if he's working as he doesn't wanna wash up.
He's said a few times now,that I could get a job with more hrs now&do 5 days a wk(which I do now) so he can drop down to 4 days. I don't have a problem with getting more hrs now that dd is older but I do with him wanting me to do it just so he can drop his! I have said to him,well you'll have to do the majority of the housework then if that's gonna happen &he never answered me.
Am I being selfish/unreasonable?
I've spoken to a friend about it&she thinks it's a great idea for me to being changing jobs/do more if I want to but not in the way dp wants me to.She thinks he's taking the mick a bit as she says u already work 5 days a wk same as him&do all the housework&cooking!
I feel like I'm at a bit of a crossroads really.

My dp drives for his job also and does long days.
It's exhausting and even more so as he gets older.
I worked part time when DCs were young and he worked a lot of overtime to bring in the income we needed.
When the DCs got older I increased my hours so dp no longer had to do the overtime.
I felt it only fair that I earn more to ease his workload when I could.

How many hours a week do you currently work?

My DH is a truck driver too but he doesn't start until 7 am . He can be home between 5 and 6 pm . He falls asleep around 9pm. He's 48 and he has discussed falling asleep with other drivers and even the youngest who is 30 says he falls asleep early too!

Have you ever done a driving job OP? Or driven for a full day to go on holiday maybe?
It is exhausting especially when you add in his unsociable hours.
You must be working 20-25 hours term time only, I can see his point to be fair.

Our breakfast club staff work 7.45-8.45 and 11.45-1.15. There’s a lot of other hours in the day-I can see his point in wanting you to share the earning load.

Can you find a 3 day week job in tesco etc and he drops to a 4. That would equal it out slightly more. If you did the majority of the housework on your extra day off that sounds fair to me.

Or do you really love your job?

His job sounds too much for his age and I’m not surprised he wants to pull back. He’s probably not over the moon at (presumably) having financially supported the household in the main while you worked very part time in a low paid and easy job and spend lots of time with your teenager. Lunchtime supervisor type work can be great for someone with very young children to work around but if you were my partner I would expect you to do more than that and contribute more financially when we only had one teenager between us. If you didn’t, I would be expecting you to carry the vast majority of the domestic load, as he is currently, so I don’t think he’s wrong there.

Things are currently extremely unbalanced and it’s not a situation I would be happy with in his shoes. People on here act like domestic work is completely invaluable and that it’s totally justified not to work outside of the home (much) because you’re saving your partner soooo much money but honestly, it would be far better financially if you worked full time and between you both paid for a cleaner a few hours a week. It’s rare that isn’t the case but people on here who don’t want to work (or work more than a very part time job around their kids) don’t like to hear that. Sacrificing one person’s earning potential is rarely worth the financial benefits of not paying a cleaner/gardener a few hours a week and getting a couple more take aways.

Your husband isn’t happy supporting you, so you need to address that.

Thanks for all yr replies.
Tiddly I do the majority of the domestic work not dp. He does very little really.
,compared to alot of my friends partners/husband's.He won't even make his own sandwiches.If I don't do them,he will go without.

I'm going to try&have a proper talk with him about it all.As I've said he's not the easiest person to talk to about things.

Surely your 14 yo can cook and wash up etc? Does she not have chores?

I'm not surprised he wants to do less hours, who wouldn't? What plan do you have for retirement? Now could be a good time to tot up where you are at with your savings and investments. It may be that you need to work full time for a few years to get some anyway.

Yes, what's your pension plan, anyway? Especially if your relationship ends, as seems entirely possible? Presumably you've been on a very low wage for many years.

We both have pension plans through work.He also has a private one,I don't.
I have said to him in the past about us making wills,planning for the future etc, especially with DD in mind also. He said no point in making a will.He did,however,after I'd gone on about it in&off for quite a while,set up a bank transfer into an account for DD each month.So if anything ever happens to us she will have some money.
He has no savings that I'm aware of.I have some that my mum left me when she passed&I keep it topped up with a transfer each month from my wages.
I pay some bills too.

Why do you put up with his refusal to have a reasonable discussion about things, OP? He doesn't have a right to have his own way without talking to you about it first.

We both have pension plans through work.

A pension plan from a term-time only job working 3 hours a day is going to pay buttons. Your child is a teenager now, I would start thinking seriously about your long-term finances.

Dd keeps her room clean,puts her washing away& will wash&wipe up sometimes. I don't know many teens that cook for themselves if they don't have to! Lol or do anything for that matter!lol
I have 2 adult kids too,both married&one with kids of their own& also have friends with teens so know what I'm talking about!lol

I've worked through our local council in different roles for few yrs on&off before I took the school jobs on&had DD.So ive accumulated a bit as it carries on with each job.
He's always been the same.He decides something's happening/needs doing&it's getting done whatever. If I decide,it's a different matter. I've tried to talk to him about dif things before&he either gets defensive or throws it bk at me.He doesn't take any criticism,real or perceived,very well.

So he has been contributing the lions share to the family finances, working full time and leaving himself with no savings. And you top up your savings each month from working a few hours a week during term time.

He sounds terrible! What a chancer.

I think you're being unfair. You've basically admitted that your daughter doesn't do anything she doesn't want to do and you're using that as an excuse for you 'having' to do everything (other than bins, garden and daily shop).

I think you'd have a point if you'd gone back to full time work - that wouldn't seem fair at all. But he's doing full time, really shitty shift work and you're working maybe 15 hours a week? I'm not surprised he wants to drop a day, and I'm also not surprised that when he gets home for 3pm he doesn't do too much. I can't honestly believe you're expecting someone who has to be at work in the small hours of the morning to be doing that.

I know! Where do I sign up for this life??

How many hours do you work?
if less than 40, you can increase and let him drop a shift. Being a long distance driver is an exhausting job.

So if you expect 50/50 household split, will you be getting a job with the same amount of hours a week as him?

Poor bloke. He must be exhausted. Sorry OP but you need to pull your weight more and work more hours. You have an easy part time job during term time while he does shifts in a tough job. You have a 14 year old, not a 4 year old. Yabvu.

You haven't said how many hours you work?
I'm not sure the split is fair but because I think he does much more than you. His working hours plus couple of hours shopping, gardening+ odds and sods washing up. And you work 10-15 hours term time only, cooo, wash up and laundry.
I don't understand how you are saving from your wages either while he is contributing all his money to the family.

You don’t work, it’s a couple of hours a day at most comparable to driving long hours and early starts you really can’t compare what you do ! Most families and lone parents work full time and do the household needs with young children you sound in a privileged position.

My husband is a LGV driver who works away mon-fri (sleeping in his truck), he can start anywhere from 4am onwards and works max hours each day. I asked him would he like me to work more hours so he could drop a day at work (he is also mid 50's) and has been doing this job for about 15 yrs. His reply was that he would not ask me to do more so he could do less. But he also replied that If I needed to work less hours in the future he would step up and make up the difference in my pay so I wasn't any worse off.

I don't ask my husband to do any chores when he gets home late Friday as we have little to no time together as it is. If he helps me when i'm cooking or doing the washing up etc its a bonus.

If he was home every night then it would be different and he would certainly be helping me with the household chores.

Iwannascream he sounds lovely.
My dp rarely comes out&helps with anything.He may occasionally pick up a wiping up cloth when I'm washing up but it's usually just to do his own cup to make a cuppa!
He's not gardening every day&doesn't shop for 2 hrs! He picks things up on his way home from work as&when we need them.
I asked him to wipe up whilst I washed up once&he acted like I'd asked him to cut his right arm off!! His attitude is I've been working,why should I do anything??