Partner wanting me to work more hours so he can do less

[BowieLover]

Been together 15 yrs&have a 14 yr old DD.
Dp is an HGV drivers,who starts work anytime from 2am to 6 am.He has 2 days off a wk,not always the same ones.Can finish &be home anywhere between 10am&3pm,depending on what route he's on. Once he's home he doesn't really do alot.He will take washing out drier if I ask him to beforehand.He puts out all the rubbish& recycling &cuts the grass(we have a big garden so lots of it!) He won't poop scoop,that's my job.He also does the shopping,as he passes a supermarket every day to go to work.
I work pt at our local school,as both a breakfast club supervisor &a lunch time supervisor.Do all the housework& cooking.We share helping DD with homework,mostly.
He will wash up when he's on a day off or on a Sunday,if I cook a roast,but that's not very often as he usually says he doesn't want one if he's working as he doesn't wanna wash up.
He's said a few times now,that I could get a job with more hrs now&do 5 days a wk(which I do now) so he can drop down to 4 days. I don't have a problem with getting more hrs now that dd is older but I do with him wanting me to do it just so he can drop his! I have said to him,well you'll have to do the majority of the housework then if that's gonna happen &he never answered me.
Am I being selfish/unreasonable?
I've spoken to a friend about it&she thinks it's a great idea for me to being changing jobs/do more if I want to but not in the way dp wants me to.She thinks he's taking the mick a bit as she says u already work 5 days a wk same as him&do all the housework&cooking!
I feel like I'm at a bit of a crossroads really.

Have you answered yet how many hours you work?

@howshouldibehave no she hasn't. Which is telling IMO.

I can't get over the fact he won't have sandwiches if you don't make them.

Have you ever NOT made them, if so, what did he eat ?

Tbf OP if I had a dh who allowed me to only work 10hrs a week term time only I'd happily make all of his sandwiches and not expect him to pick up a cloth and do any wiping. You don't know how lucky you are.

It doesn't really matter how many hours the OP works, the point is she works and does the majority of the housework and admin chores and looks after the children.

I'm guessing that if the OP does manage to get a 35hr a week job she will still be doing all the stuff she does now whilst her husband has a nice day off to himself, which IMO is not fair as I'm guessing the OP will not get the same.

Of course it matters how many hours she works. If she works 10 hours and he works 40 then she isn't hard done by, she isn't doing 30 hours of chores a week is she

Thankyou Iwannascream,that's exactly what my friend said!
Yes that's what I'm afraid of,he won't pull his weight with anything.

Yep! Replying only to people who sympathise with her, but not to anyone who asks how many hours she works!

It is very relevant here!

He is nbu to suggest you do more - his job sounds tiring with really long hours and there's no reason why with a teen dc year old you can't up your hours from the very low ones they sound like, even if not full time.

But you are being completely fair to say this would require him to do more housework to make up for it - the fact he didn't even fib and say "yes of course I will" suggests there's no way he is even considering that so at least he's being honest!

For god's sake, stop being a bloody martyr and making his sandwiches for him. I guarantee him that if you don't feed him, he will discover alternatives to passively starving, up to and including developing the ability to slap a piece of ham between two slices of bread himself.

There is really not that much housework in a household containing two adults who work outside the home and one 14yo.

Honestly I think he should NOT be doing anything. His job is so tiring and you work very very part time. What About single mums, or people like me who must be in the office at 630 am and leave at 7pm and still go home and do stuff (ok I have help but still). You are not being fair, go and work more and also do housework. Or why don't you become a HGV driver and see how it feels? I believe in the sisterhood but I think you're taking the piss sorry

And start making your dd wash up after a roast.

The three of you need to sit down together and talk about this. Your dd is old enough to be doing more than what she does at present, even taking into account that GCSE's will be on the horizon before all that long.

You each need to talk about what you feel would be a reasonable division of chores and come to an agreement. If no agreement is forthcoming, then don't increase your hours.

I think you are being a bit unreasonable. Now your daughter is 14 you could definitely bring doing more hours. I think after working full time presumably for many years he is entitled to ask to equal things up a bit. There just needs to be the understanding that housework will be split fairly between the 2 of you depending on what hours you work.

I don’t have enough information about how many hours you both work. But your child isn’t that young and fairly independent so l don’t know how you can justify working part time. I think it’s time to look at finances and chores. It’s only fair if he works less and you work more that the division of chores are re-divided. Especially if he is going to be at home more

There’s nothing to lol about a 14 year old doing their fair share around the house. Loads of kids that age cook and wash up. If not now then when do you teach them to look after themselves?

You work very few hours and listed a bunch of stuff he doesn’t regularly but now insist he barely does anything. I imagine you were expecting 100% supportive replies and are now rowing back.

He must be exhausted and you’re taking the piss expecting him to commit to more housework when you won’t commit to working ft.

There’s nothing to lol about a 14 year old doing their fair share around the house. Loads of kids that age cook and wash up. If not now then when do you teach them to look after themselves?

This. Not expecting a 14 year old do do their fair share around the house is doing them a complete disservice as it's not preparing them for the future.

I very much doubt he will start sharing the load at home. He will expect you to continue doing everything if you up your hours. Only do it if it's right for you.

Why shouldn't he do less? If you've got a teenager and he is struggling, why are you still working part time?

On the subject of domestic work, I work 50+ hours a week doing two jobs and do all of the housework apart from I do 50% of the cooking. I don't complain as I enjoy having jobs to do (clearly 😅).

I think one person working less hours only works if both parties agree to it
now that your child is 14 you should be working more and progressing a career for a myriad of reasons

I would have thought you would want to earn more not just for the increasing cost of day-to-day life but for your own pension contributions ( particularly if you’re not married). How are you intending to retire if you’re already in your 50’s?

OP you haven't answered anyone who's asked how many hours you work. Why?

You say you inherited from your mum and that is 'your' savings. You don't sound much like a team. From what's you've said so far I've got rather more sympathy for your partner than for you.

HOW MANY HOURS DO YOU BOTH WORK PER WEEK?

Just as you seem to keep missing all the people asking this question

I thought I'd answered the hrs question but it hasn't appeared for some reason.
I work 15 hrs a wk.I have a 15 min walk each way.So I go up to school,do breakfast club,walk bk,grab breakfast,crack on with housework then it's time to go bk up for lunch time.
I pay some of the bills out of my wages.I paid for last year's holiday out of my savings&other things also.I share my money as does dp.