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Original poster

If you met someone who took on your dc as their own…

116 replies

Tyuii · 07/09/2022 19:42

Please tell me about it?

dc 1 has a rubbish dad. We broke up in pregnancy and he’s been an awful dad too, patchy etc. I’m definitely NOT looking for a replacement dad, but I would like to settle down as I’m 37. I worry nobody will love and care for dc like I do and I can’t imagine sharing my life with someone who doesn’t embrace that, even if we had more dc in future.

Just be nice to hear if this ever happens.

OP posts:
Lilithslove · 07/09/2022 19:47

Can you imagine loving a child that wasn't yours in the same way that you do your own?

I think it's definitely possible for you to meet a man who will love your child and be a positive influence in his life. I don't think you should set the bar as him feeling exactly the same way that you about your dc because it's not a reasonable expectation.

I'm very fond of my dsds. We get on really well and have fun with them. I think that's enough for all of us.

Original poster
Tyuii · 07/09/2022 19:49

@Lilithslove yes I think I could if I loved them.

i mean mostly being a family unit. Wanting to be at sports day etc. Just usual family stuff.

OP posts:
Chakraleaf · 07/09/2022 19:50

They will, many people will tell you it is possible and it is x

VittysCardigan · 07/09/2022 19:51

My ex husband did. We got together when my dd was about 2, no contact with her birth father or family. He had 2 daughters & we went on to have a daughter together. Not sure when my dd started to call him dad. When we later split he continued to have her on his contact days (for want of a better term) and always treated all the girls the same. He gave dd away on her wedding day & is granddad to her 2 children.

Imissmoominmama · 07/09/2022 19:51

My dad did. He will have been my dad for 53 years now, and I adore him.

Original poster
Tyuii · 07/09/2022 19:55

VittysCardigan · 07/09/2022 19:51

My ex husband did. We got together when my dd was about 2, no contact with her birth father or family. He had 2 daughters & we went on to have a daughter together. Not sure when my dd started to call him dad. When we later split he continued to have her on his contact days (for want of a better term) and always treated all the girls the same. He gave dd away on her wedding day & is granddad to her 2 children.

@VittysCardigan loved reading this, thank you.

my worry is dc would be treated differently. I just want a family unit and I know we are a family but I can’t pretend I don’t want a partner too. It just has to be seamless for dc too.

OP posts:
Original poster
Tyuii · 07/09/2022 19:56

Imissmoominmama · 07/09/2022 19:51

My dad did. He will have been my dad for 53 years now, and I adore him.

@Imissmoominmama when did he come into your life? Did you ever feel you were treated differently to other dc? Xx

OP posts:
AgnestaVipers · 07/09/2022 19:56

I am about to marry a woman who has kids, and I act as much like a parent to them as is reasonable. I have wobbly moments, but mostly provide some extra stability. However, they aren't my children and I have to remember that. I love them, but not unconditionally, like their mum does.

layladomino · 07/09/2022 19:58

Yes that's what I have. I feel lucky that our two little single parent families merged very happily (we took lots of time to get there, intentionally). I feel so happy now when I hear the (adult) step siblings chatting or making plans. Although being a step parent is usually different to being a parent* you can build love and respect and a solid family unit.

*being a step parent can be just the same as being a parent in some cases, such as when the child was very young when the relationship started and if the other biological parent isn't around (eg the step dad fulfils the role of 'dad' in a very practical every day way). It isn't only biological parents who can love children as a parent.

AgnestaVipers · 07/09/2022 20:00

I was a teacher. I can love other people's children.

VittysCardigan · 07/09/2022 20:02

After we split I then met my ex, he also treated my dd's brilliantly, we had 2 sons. He was great during the teen years with the girls. Also continues to have a great relationship with them, he is Pops (granddad) to the little ones. I have great exes! We all worked hard to maintain good relationships for the sake of the children. I also still see my step daughters from my marriage.

AlexandraPeppernose · 07/09/2022 20:06

Yep but he had no biological children of his own He loves them deeply and classes himself as their Dad.

They were 4, 7 and 9 when he came into their life and are now 13, 17 and 19

Imissmoominmama · 07/09/2022 20:07

@Tyuii - I was three. My parents went on to have two children. I think I always felt slightly displaced, but I’d started life living with my grandparents, so I had a fractured first three years. I don’t think I was the easiest of children, as a result, but I can only ever once remember him really shouting at me, when I was about 12, and being an absolute arse. Even I knew his frustration was justified!

His parents, my other grandparents, were brilliant with me, and I couldn’t have felt more loved by them.

Now Mum has gone, we’re closer than ever. He did always used to pass the phone straight to her! 😂

PrettyStick · 07/09/2022 20:09

VittysCardigan · 07/09/2022 19:51

My ex husband did. We got together when my dd was about 2, no contact with her birth father or family. He had 2 daughters & we went on to have a daughter together. Not sure when my dd started to call him dad. When we later split he continued to have her on his contact days (for want of a better term) and always treated all the girls the same. He gave dd away on her wedding day & is granddad to her 2 children.

This is so sweet!

vroom321 · 07/09/2022 20:11

Tyuii · 07/09/2022 19:49

@Lilithslove yes I think I could if I loved them.

i mean mostly being a family unit. Wanting to be at sports day etc. Just usual family stuff.

To be honest it's usually just the one parent around here. They both don't waste a days holiday.

limitededitionbarbie · 07/09/2022 20:20

I started dating my DH when I was your age. I was a single mum. My dd was 2.

Her dad is not involved.

She has started calling her step dad dad. Not encouraged by me or even suggested by me.
She started this from about the age of 6. She's 9 now.

I have a step dad and it was very similar circumstances and I call my step dad dad and class him as my dad. He is my dad in every way.

Original poster
Tyuii · 07/09/2022 20:22

@limitededitionbarbie thanks that’s so nice to hear.

I also have a worry there would be huge pressure on it working out once dc had met them. I actually don’t think I could cope with anything other than a straightforward commitment at this stage in life ! 😂

OP posts:
RunningFromInsanity · 07/09/2022 20:24

My friend is extremely close to her ex-step dad. He raised her from about 10yrs-19yrs when he then divorced her mum, who has since remarried.
She’s closest to him out of all of them, he walked her down the aisle, is ‘grandpa’ to her children and regularly babysits.

limitededitionbarbie · 07/09/2022 20:26

If I split with my DH. He would continue to be my DD's dad. He would still see her when he could and I would obv encourage that.

The lady he was with before me also met my DH when her child was of a similar age. He pays over and above what the suggested maintenance is. He doesn't have to but as he said to me "I'm his dad".

So there are some good ones out there. My dad and my DH being two of them.

Jellycatspyjamas · 07/09/2022 20:29

It isn't only biological parents who can love children as a parent.

Absolutely this, I’m a mum by adoption, my kids aren’t mine biologically but they are mine and I love them as any mum would. Different to step parents but it’s entirely possible to accept a non-biological child as your own.

Bottomofthepileasusual · 07/09/2022 20:29

I met DH when I was 39 and DD was 1
Her dad is also shite and hasn't seen her in over a year. Her and DH are thick as thieves and he treats her like his own

Forgotthebins · 07/09/2022 20:31

Yes. My Dad is my Dad. There was a guy before him who handed over his genetic material, but yelled and was an arsehole and a general waste of space. Turned out my real Dad just came along a bit later. I talk like him, have his facial expressions. My children know he is not genetically related to them but they couldn’t care less, he is their granddad.

autienotnaughty · 07/09/2022 20:31

I met dh when dd's were 6+8. At the time their dad saw them eow so he was respectful of that relationship. But over time their contact got less, dh took on more and more of the responsibility. They are now adults and whilst they still have a relationship with their dad they fully acknowledge their stepdad and I raised and supported them (and still Do!) when dh talks about his kids (we have one together) he talks about the 3 of them. Not at any point has he shown less love for them than his own dc.

Creepymanonagoatfarm · 07/09/2022 20:34

Please change your mindset op. You make it sound like a man would be doing you +your dc a favour!
My dh said and still feels like he was privileged to be welcomed into our family.
Makes me annoyed when people make our we are the lucky ones!!

Littlemisstall · 07/09/2022 20:35

My dad (step dad) loves me as his own. My mum met him when I was 6. I think it helps that my actual dad wasn’t on the scene and so I gave myself completely to the idea of him being my dad. He’s now the best grandad to my children and has been my biggest cheerleader in life. A far better dad than my actual one could have been.