If you met someone who took on your dc as their own…

[Tyuii]

Please tell me about it?

dc 1 has a rubbish dad. We broke up in pregnancy and he’s been an awful dad too, patchy etc. I’m definitely NOT looking for a replacement dad, but I would like to settle down as I’m 37. I worry nobody will love and care for dc like I do and I can’t imagine sharing my life with someone who doesn’t embrace that, even if we had more dc in future.

Just be nice to hear if this ever happens.

My Dad with my older brother, including after my parents' divorce. I'm sure it wasn't always the smoothest road but my parents met when my brother was 5ish and it's 35+ years later now. Dad's just Dad to all of us and we always forget we're half siblings until someone asks!

My dad did, he took on my sister and raised her as his own, however I’m a single mum and have been single for 5 years sadly I’ve not been able to meet anyone so it’s not a guarantee none of my single mum friends have found men that have taken on their children either, they’ve had bf but none that have become step dads to their kids, doesn’t mean it doesn’t happen though but I don’t think it’s easy to find.

Just out of interest @shieldmaiden7 if you and your husband to be had a major disagreement on a parenting decision would you give his opinion as much weight as yours? Or would you do what is best regardless of what he thought because ultimately you are the parent not him?

I think that parents sometimes say they want someone to take their children on as their own but in practice want to retain the right to make decisions about their child.

There are quite a few threads about step mothers overstepping when they do treat step children as their own (eg getting their hair cut, buying their prom dress).

I don’t want someone to love my DC like I do. Because my DC is not theirs. She’s mine. She’s done 7 years with an absent father and I’ve done 7.5 years single. I don’t want someone else sticking their oar in with me and my child.

Yes this is what I'm getting at.

I don't think either of DSCs parents or the DSCs would like it if had come in and declared that I'd taken the children on as my own and started acting like a third parent.

My now DH had "no cats and I don't want kids" on his online dating profile but he absolutely fell for my 2 cats once he had spent some time with them and within a very short space of time after meeting my 2 DC he backtracked hugely on the I don't want children thing. They were 2 and 4 when we met and both have SEN although DD has some disabilities too and was always very challenging.

7 years later DH says that it was obviously meant to be, and that he hadn't wanted kids because he was already a Dad, just hadn't met them yet! 2 years ago they chose to call him Dad and use Daddy for their biological father although they don't see him very much.

DH pooled finances as soon as possible so he could support us, was there for potty training, sickness bugs and all sorts of horrors before he was living with us, as well as parents evenings. He's never missed a sports day or school play. DD goes to him for every day day, friends falling out and other preteen drama. Now that DD is older she's developed a lot of anxiety and has verbal tics when she's stressed. I had taken the DCs to my in-laws (who incidentally are the best grandparents and I get on with better than my own parents!) and DD had not stopped ticking all day, it had been constant. She wanted to call DH and as soon as he picked up and said "hello sausage" she just relaxed, tics stopped and was chatting away for the next half an hour.

There are good men out there. Men who see being called Dad by a child, whether genetically theirs or not, an enormous privilege. Men who will bend over backwards for those children no matter what.

DH has admitted that he worries he would feel differently about a child we had together, and so asked that we don't have any together, so as not to jeopardise the relationship he has with his stepchildren. It was gnawing away at him as a what if and I was more than happy with that!

DS can't remember a time with DH wasn't in his life, and it's amazing how alike they are despite the lack of genetics. DS is determined to be just like him when he's older, and they have a shared love of mechanics. DH sometimes takes him into work on a Sat morning and they work on projects together. They are building a go kart at the moment.

I couldn't imagine anyone better to be a father to my DC. He's filled the void in their lives so completely. They are out there!

100% it happens. My partner didn't want his own kids as he was more than happy with mine. He's the best dad I could ask for.

My DH has done so with my DD. We got together when she was 2 and she’s now 10, we also have a DD of our own. I have never known love like I see between DD1 and DH. I asked DH about it and he has said that he feels more protective of her than DD2 for the simple reason of he knows what she’s been through with Ex. He is everything to her that a father should be and I have absolutely no doubt that if we ever split he will continue to have a father-daughter relationship with her.

Its a slightly different relationship I think than a biological DF but that’s only because he respects 100% my parenting of her whereas he pushes his own opinions a bit more with DD2.

I truly believe he loves her as his own, and certainly no less than he loves DD2.

I never realised my uncle (aunties husband) wasn’t my cousins dad until I was an adult. There are 3 cousins (boy, girl, boy) first 2 not his, now I know it’s obvious looks wise but other than that there is no difference in the way my cousins are treat, if anything the girl is his princess and completely spoilt.

I have another cousin whose DF died when he was young, he has a very good relationship with his stepdad. I don’t know how close they were growing up as he’s a bit older than me but I do know that my cousin now takes care of his stepdad so assume they have a good relationship.

These messages are so so nice to read!!

@anthurium @autienotnaughty @wordler @Vecnasnurse @layladomino @Littlemisstall @PrettyStick sorry hard to tag everyone!

I know it’s not a guarantee but just knowing there are decent men out there.

I have been pretty devastated by my ex to be honest. He always no matter what he would be there for dc. He has let dc down just like he let me down.

It’s broken my heart for dc and I’m so wary of meeting anyone new because of that but would love to have faith at least that there are some good men out there. Thank you all so much for this thread.

This is a heart-warming thread. So much of the stuff written about step parenting is soul destroying. As a relatively new stepparent, I feel heartened.

I ( Male ) met my girlfriend almost 8 years ago when her daughter was almost 3. I met her daughter very early on in our relationship and we clicked instantly and she soon became my little shadow and used to stand in the window waiting for hours if she knew I was coming. She's almost 11 now and her bio "Dad" left her mum when she was pregnant. He had just started having minimal contact when we met but now it's nothing more than a voucher in a card at Xmas and birthdays despite living 10 mins away. I've been there for her nursery graduation, first day at school, assembly, sports day, every birthday ( apart from the first 2 ) and currently looking around high schools. I sold my house and bought another in the area close to her school and she now has a comfortable and stable life ( even bought her a puppy after being nagged although I love the little man now and he's a proper daddy's boy too ). I've taken on everything for that little girl and would do anything for her. She doesn't call me Dad but does refer to me as Dad in some ways ( ill just ask my Dad....My Dad has that car etc ). I have no children of my own but we are so close and spend so much time together that people are shocked when we tell them we aren't related. We have our moments and dreading the teenage years as I hope it doesn't all get thrown back in my face when she's on one. In short, yes it is possible to love someone else's child, there are many of us out there that do it because we want too and nit because we have too

My uncle met his wife when her daughter (H) was about four. They dated for a while and he slowly got to know H and they got married when she was about 9. Ours is a big family with lots of cousins and H just slotted in as soon we first met her. My cousin E is the same age and they're very close friends. Then she had a baby brother when she was about 13, who's the apple of her eye. Her own dad died quite young, and in every possible way, my uncle is absolutely her dad and her own lovely baby's grandad now, and there's no stepdad distinction made. We're all lucky that he met and married her mum and we got to love them both.

My uncle adopted my cousin when he was 9 - was always just his dad even after my uncle divorced my aunt.

@YellowPlumbob

I see where you're coming from.

Allowing another person into your child/children's lives is a risk isn't it, because ultimately nobody can guarantee whether or not your romantic relationship will work out, you can only retrospectively say it has/hasn't. I am not ready to take that risk at the moment with someone (I had my child using a sperm donor so there is no "father/partner" in the picture), however as the thread demonstrates some posters did take that risk and it's worked out very well!

@PassThePringles

Genuinely curious, why would someone not want their own but be happy to parent someone else's? How did you react when you heard this (when you first met and realised it was a serious relationship)?

So I'm on the other side here, I met a woman 6 years ago who had at the time 1 little girl who's biological father was and still is beyond useless. NEVER has done anything for her and has 0 desire to.

I met her little girl 9 months in to our relationship and we hit it off from the second we met, the more we got to know each other the more our bond formed and eventually we ended up doing many father daughter things together, when my other 2 children were with us I would treat them all fairly, give them all their fair share of my time, attention and help and most of all love them all exactly the same.

One day when we were having one of our little tickle fights she was giggling away and screamed stop it daddy and from that moment on she asked if she could call me that. I replied with it was her decision and that she could call me whatever she felt was right for her.

Unfortunately 7 months ago I returned home from work to be told by her mother that she no longer loved me or wanted me and that she would like me to leave, which I gracefully did our DD was sad and crying scared that I was no longer her daddy. to which I replied with it was her decision again, I told her I would absolutely lover her to still be part of my life, that I love her as much as I love her brother and sister and that it didn't matter what happens she'll be as much in my heart as the other 2. The huge smile and hug she gave me was confirmation I guess she felt the same.

My long rambling point being that despite her mother and I not working out, the bond I'd formed with DD and the relationship we have is completely separate. Regardless of what happens between her mother and I and believe me it gets messy at times considering it wasn't my choices. DD will forever be a huge bonus to that part of my life, I pay towards her upbringing, she comes to me regularly, I do school pick ups and drop offs when work allows, she video calls me every single day after school and we chat about her day and what she's doing and my day at work etc and everything you'd expect a father and daughter to do. You don't need blood to have an unbreakable bond and a genuine interest in their life and upbringing. I love that little lady as much as I love my own children and will do as much for her though her life as I do my other 2 so it absolutely does happen. Sorry again to ramble.

But until the child is 18 the legal parent, mother, controls your interactions with her daughter. You never know when or if the mother will prevent you from having any part in her daughter's life. You seem very involved and caring but ultimately have no say over the relationship.

That's lovely and pretty much describes the relationship my exh has with my son.

Do you feel confident that her mum will allow this relationship to continue long term?

I know that my exh's mum was concerned I'd take her first grandchild (as she sees him) away from her. I took her out for dinner and told her that she's always be his nana and I'd never stand in the way of that. That their relationship was theirs and separate to the relationship between me and her son. I've never seen as her as anything less than his family. I haven't seen her for several years now but she'll always be 'family' because of the children.

But adopted children are "your own". Unless the OP plans to let a future partner adopt her son, the relationship won't be the same. Its asking a lot to expect a future partner and his family to utterly open their hearts and give unconditional support to a child who they may never see again if the relationship goes wrong.

Be honest OP. Are you prepared to give a future partner an equal say in your ds' life? Educational decisions, health decisions, decisionsover discipline? Would you want to share custody if the relationship breaks up?

If not then better to hope for a man who will love ds and treat him well and not worry too much about "as his own".

Absolutely and I 100% understand where you're coming from, I did have those fears when we first parted ways and do to an extent however I do believe ex partner has the same in mind as me and that's do what's best for DD.

She has included me in some big decisions when she hasn't had to, she will listen to my opinion when something comes up, if DD has issues at school she will call me and ask me to attend and help resolve. Call me if she needs extra financial support, actively incourages our contact time so for instance if I get an extra day off and call and ask to have her will actively help make the plans so it can happen.

It's unfair of me at this stage to say she will do anything to take or jeopardise my relationship with DD as so far through all this she has done nothing but incourage it. In fact she has been better with DD than ex wife has been with my 2 from the marriage who does not consider their thoughts and feelings in her decisions whatsoever.

I do feel confident she will she's so far only incouraged our relationship and even when she has been unhappy at things she's never attempted to take it away or damage it so far, we've made an agreement and I have no doubts she wouldn't break it just like I myself will stick to it.

That's nice what you did there, hopefully it provided the comfort she needed... my DD grandad and I met when ex and I first split, he was absolutely gutted that his daughter had made the choice she did. He told me he was disappointed in his daughter because he was the only family she has left and is in poor health, he knew he could die a happy man knowing his daughter and granddaughter were well looked after but now he's racked with worry because he doesn't know what will happen with them when he's gone. My response was that he couldn't force her to love someone she no longer loves, needs to accept and most importantly respect her decisions and let her live her life. He closed with he really likes me, thinks I'm a nice hard working man but most of all respects me for taking on his granddaughter and he hopes at the least that will continue which I replied with I will forever do my best by DD and as far as I'm concerned she as much mine as she is her mother's and I wouldn't let any of my kids down.

My husband treats my ds just like his own. He is now 21 and they have a fantastic bond

My friend had four boys under 10 when she met her now DH. He adores them and was brilliant during their teens, esp as two went off the rails a bit/a lot with police involvement etc.

That’s hard enough with your own kids let alone step kids. I really admire him. They went on to have a child together. They are all now in their late 20s/early 30s and he tells everyone he has five kids 🥰. His boys think the world of him.

Theres two instances in my family and a few amongst friends. DC call them dad and partners absolutely feel that's who they are to them.
However, I do think you need to be a bit more honest with yourself. You say you're not looking for a replacement dad, but your post makes it pretty clear that you're looking for a partner who is also a replacement dad.
Nothing wrong with that at all, but I think its best to own it from the offset to avoid any lack of shared expectations with potential partners.