Page 5 | If you met someone who took on your dc as their own…

Zanatdy · 27/01/2023 20:34

So my eldest was 8/9 when I met my ex (father of 2 youngest DC). At first it was great, he even took him on some short breaks overseas just the two of them. Then gradually he just started making little comments here and there, he was definitely jealous of our relationship as we were close. That progressed and I don’t want to go into it as it still hurts over a decade later, but he started totally blanking him, which led to me confronting him ended up with us splitting up. I recently found out he did it on purpose as he was insecure how I felt about him (and in fairness his insecurities were correct) so he decided to hurt me the only way he knew would truly hurt me. And boy did it hurt.

I decided then that I wouldn’t have another relationship whilst my DC were young. They are 14 & 18 now and I’ve recently started dating someone, it’s early days but pretty serious and we can both see it going the distance. He has 2 young DD’s, 6 and 11. I did think long and hard before going on a date with him (known him for a few years as ex colleague) as I’ve got my life back the last couple of years as don’t need a babysitter. But I decided he came as a package (he’s currently got 100% custody but their mum is recently back in their life wanting access) and yes I can see myself helping to raise them. I’ve always been on the other side of the coin so it’s going to be different, and I’ve not met them yet, won’t for a few months no doubt. I wouldn’t get into a relationship with someone with kids though if I wasn’t prepared to take on the role as step mum eventually. I hope I could love someone else’s children, obviously not as much as my own but definitely care about them a lot. Time will tell, if the relationship goes the distance

NewNameNigel · 28/01/2023 11:47

@Zanatdy as a step mum mum my advice to you is don't put pressure on yourself to love them as your own or help raise them - there is enough of that from society. When you do meet them do so with an open mind as to how your relationship with them will be.

There isn't a one size fits all "gold standard" for how involved a step parent should be and different things work for different people and personalities. Get to know them gradually and allow you and the children to find your own relationship.

Zanatdy · 28/01/2023 14:00

NewNameNigel · 28/01/2023 11:47

@Zanatdy as a step mum mum my advice to you is don't put pressure on yourself to love them as your own or help raise them - there is enough of that from society. When you do meet them do so with an open mind as to how your relationship with them will be.

There isn't a one size fits all "gold standard" for how involved a step parent should be and different things work for different people and personalities. Get to know them gradually and allow you and the children to find your own relationship.

Thanks, great advice

anthurium · 28/01/2023 15:39

YellowPlumbob · 08/09/2022 11:12

I don’t want someone to love my DC like I do. Because my DC is not theirs. She’s mine. She’s done 7 years with an absent father and I’ve done 7.5 years single. I don’t want someone else sticking their oar in with me and my child.

@YellowPlumbob

Fully agree with this.

soboredtonight · 28/01/2023 19:11

I am a step mother. Met my stepson when he was 18. He's a pain in the arse sometimes. He'd say the same about me. But I love him. He loves me. We're just a family.

I'm looking after his daughter my granddaughter tonight and my DH is away.

All I know is that, that little girl has known me since she was born and calls me nanny.

I love her the world. She doesn't know about step families she just knows she loves coming and being with us.

She's not going to love me any less because it's not biological and I certainly don't love her any less either.

Iwantabloodypizza · 28/01/2023 20:02

I met my husband when ds was 8.

He’s always taken care of him like he was his own son. Paid for everything for him from day one, taken him to and from school just like I did around work, ferried him around places, put him first always.

Ds is 20 now and dh is still driving him an hours round trip to work at 6am while he’s learning to drive. He will drop everything for ds still.

He sees him as his son, never once has he described him as a step son. We have children together and dh treats ds no differently to them.

Ds in his will equal to the children we have together which some people have been surprised at and that’s made dh quite sad at times - he would never want ds to feel less than his biological children.

My son does have his dad and they are close ish but he didn’t/wouldn’t do all that my dh does for ds.

(I’ve just had a big row over something really stupid with dh. After typing that, I’ve realised he’s not a massive wanker after all. I’m going to go and find him and give him a huge hug).

MaxTalk · 28/01/2023 21:16

It's never going to be the same and you can't expect it to be.

Navigatingarelationship · 28/01/2023 22:56

Not my dc but my dp took on a 3 year old dd who wasn't biologically his own, she's now 18 and he's her father in every real sense of the word, he gives her money, always involved in her life. He treats her exactly like his daughter because to him she is. She has even taken on his surname.

keffie12 · 28/01/2023 23:11

Tyuii · 07/09/2022 19:42

Please tell me about it?

dc 1 has a rubbish dad. We broke up in pregnancy and he’s been an awful dad too, patchy etc. I’m definitely NOT looking for a replacement dad, but I would like to settle down as I’m 37. I worry nobody will love and care for dc like I do and I can’t imagine sharing my life with someone who doesn’t embrace that, even if we had more dc in future.

Just be nice to hear if this ever happens.

Yes, it has happened to me. I had an abusive childhood and recreated that has an adult. I finally took the now adult children and fled the ex. We walked the fires of hell with the aftermath and ended up going through the whole system of this country with a divorce from hell. The ex is a waste of space like you described.

I met my 2nd husband, soulmate, best friend, and the dad he didn't have to be to my 4, 2 years later. He took it all on with us, and my adult children see him as Dad. They all have good, stable lives, happily married, and we are grandparents to 4.

My eldest put my husband name on his marriage certificate as stepdad of the groom when he married. We didn't expect it, and it blew us away.

My husband came with no baggage, no ex, and no children. He was the eldest of 5. His dad went blind when he was 20, so he stopped at home to give his parents a life. We met 21 years ago as his dad passed away

I share all that cos if I can meet the right man with my background anyone can

DelurkingAJ · 28/01/2023 23:13

DH’s dad is his stepdad and adoptive dad. We’re in our 40s and my wonderful DFIL has been in DH’s life in that role for nearly 40 years. Even within the immediate family we forget (DH legendarily tried to tell the midwife about his Dad’s medical history when she took the information and I had to remind him that they were interested in genetics, DSiL had been dating DBIL about three years before she discovered they were half brothers etc). I’m not sure either of our DSs knows…

shas19 · 28/01/2023 23:14

My partner of 7 years who I have 2 girls with now has raised my son for nearly his whole life. My son has taken on his name and calls him dad. Not only that, hhis whole family took him on also and he's treated no different by anybody! It is possible. He says he's the one that taught him to be a dad, even before our own daughter was born

Nat6999 · 28/01/2023 23:38

Late dp & I did, I had ds, late dp had ds & dd. Dp treated my ds like any dad would treat their child & I treated his dc exactly the same when we had them. Dp did the school run when I was recovering from operations, he looked after him when I was unexpectedly admitted overnight to hospital & took on the practical role of a dad when ds dad was in hospital for 10 months. We used to go on outings with all 3 children, have his dc at our house where I would do things like baking & crafting with them. Dp was probably in reality closer to ds than he was to his own dc because he lived with us, his ds was only a toddler when he met me & his dd was born when we had been together a few months, he had only lived with his ex for a few months when she ended things & then found out she was pregnant again.

Airymanning · 14/02/2023 14:27

Met my OH when DC were 11, 8 and 2.

He's been wonderful. I'm lucky but it's possible.

anexcellentwoman · 14/02/2023 22:03

I wonder if men make better, more accepting step parents. There are so many threads on MN where women hate their step kids. I notice it is often the step daughters they profess to hate. However, MN is also full of women who hate their MILS and SILs.
Men generally are more accepting of their in laws. Women on here seem to see their husbands family as out laws. I sometimes get the impression that women on this site don't like women outside their immediate family.

maddy68 · 14/02/2023 23:26

My step dad took me as his own. There was honestly no difference between me and my brother (who was biologically his).

Pesimistic · 15/02/2023 09:30

My DH loves my son and treats him the same as the children we share together, it is possible. When we married, my DH was so please to officially be my sons step dad, he's a better dad to him than his own biological dad.