Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

If you met someone who took on your dc as their own…

116 replies

Tyuii · 07/09/2022 19:42

Please tell me about it?

dc 1 has a rubbish dad. We broke up in pregnancy and he’s been an awful dad too, patchy etc. I’m definitely NOT looking for a replacement dad, but I would like to settle down as I’m 37. I worry nobody will love and care for dc like I do and I can’t imagine sharing my life with someone who doesn’t embrace that, even if we had more dc in future.

Just be nice to hear if this ever happens.

OP posts:
limitededitionbarbie · 07/09/2022 21:45

Also when I married my DH, he stopped the ceremony to give my Dd a ring too to say he also married her in that he would always looks after her. There wasn't a dry eye in the house

KiraKiraHikaru · 07/09/2022 21:57

I met my husband on tinder OP!

OrlandointheWilderness · 07/09/2022 22:28

I'm in a relatively new relationship (1 year 3 ish months 😂) with a man who has an 11 yea old DS. I've never been involved with anyone who has children before and it's been a revelation to me how fantastic it is. I have an 11 year old DD and they get on so well, life is so much fun when we do days out etc. i care for him deeply and the same protective instinct is there for him as it is my own, I don't know him well yet but god I'm looking forward to it. He's just an awesome person and his parents should be bloody proud of him.
So yes, I can definitely see a time when I will love him as much as my own. Perhaps in a slightly different way, but no less profound.

OrlandointheWilderness · 07/09/2022 22:30

And my DPs dad is not biological- he changed his name and has nothing to do with the other guy. His Dad is incredibly like him, I cannot when I see them together that they aren't father and son! 😂 I have no doubt in my mind that his DF loves him as a son.

anthurium · 07/09/2022 23:28

Watching with interest...

I'm currently in the state of mind where I can't imagine meeting someone who I would allow to be part of my family unit (I'm a solo mum by choice).

To everyone who has posted: have any partners legally adopted your children and if not, why not? Thanks in advance.

KiraKiraHikaru · 07/09/2022 23:46

anthurium · 07/09/2022 23:28

Watching with interest...

I'm currently in the state of mind where I can't imagine meeting someone who I would allow to be part of my family unit (I'm a solo mum by choice).

To everyone who has posted: have any partners legally adopted your children and if not, why not? Thanks in advance.

I imagine because most of the bio dads are still alive. My husband would have adopted my daughter if her piece of shit father dies.

anthurium · 07/09/2022 23:49

KiraKiraHikaru · 07/09/2022 23:46

I imagine because most of the bio dads are still alive. My husband would have adopted my daughter if her piece of shit father dies.

Show quote history

Thank you for sharing @KiraKiraHikaru I hadn't thought of that scenario as a possible reason.

KiraKiraHikaru · 08/09/2022 00:11

anthurium · 07/09/2022 23:49

Thank you for sharing @KiraKiraHikaru I hadn't thought of that scenario as a possible reason.

Show quote history

No worries. If the bio dad is on the birth certificate then the child can’t be adopted unless the father relinquishes parental responsibility.

Enko · 08/09/2022 00:14

My stepdad came into my life when I was 5

I still had a relationship with my dad. (I lived with our mother my 2 siblings with iur dad) Stepdad never had any biological children but he has taken on my mother's children as his own mum died 7 years ago we are in regular touch. (Same as with my dad) I did not grow up in the UK and now when I go back I say I'm going to see "my dad's".

Us 3 siblings will inherit his estate. I've seen his will its split between us and between our children. If he outlives us.

His 70th birthday is coming up. Dh and I are going over for it. All my mother's siblings are invited. Mum and stepdad were together for 35 years. Never married.

His parents took me in as their grandchild. My youngest has his father's name as her middle name (fem version) some of my most precious childhood memories are with his dad walking the dogs.. playing cards..

I call him by his name and my dad for dad. My children call them both grandad. After that many years in my life he had well earned the title grandad. In my mother tongue you differentiate between paternal and maternal grandparents and also have the generic. So my dad is "morfar" and stepdad is 'bedstefar"

My sister invites both dads to hers for dinner and Christmas. Last Christmas my father got sick and had to go to hospital stepdad took over the cooking and ensures Christmas happened as best as possible.

My dad often gets a lift from stepdad towards home if they have been to the same family gathering (my dad has remained ,close to my mother's family) my brother will spend the weekend of stepdads birthday staying with our dad but attending the party.

Does he love us like "his own' I've no idea he hasn't got "his own" I have however no doubt he loves "his 3 childen' and his 5 grandchildren he thinks the sun shines out of. I don't need him to love in a particular way love comes in many forms. It's about how you interact and care and share your time.

He gave his time..

GreyCarpet · 08/09/2022 00:18

My ex husband took on my 15 mo son as his own. We had a child together and he admitted, after her birth, that he'd worried he would feel differently about them both, but he didn't.

We split up when my son was 12. He paid maintenance of his own volition until son was 18 and, 10 years after separating, he is still my son's dad. He'll be at my son's graduation and his wedding and he'll be a grandad to his children just as any dad would. He is remarrying later this year and my son will be attending. He's his dad.

anthurium

He wanted to adopt him but the SW we spoke to was awful. Really patronising and, although my son's biological father has never set eyes on him, paid a penny towards his upkeep and isn't on the bc (his choice) and so doesn't have PR, the SW insisted his permission would be required. So we didn't bother in the end.

pumpkinpie01 · 08/09/2022 00:30

My ds was 2 when I married my ex ( we knew each other from school) we went on to have 2dc together he has never treated the oldest any different, they actually run a business together. But strangely enough he is a terrible father to our youngest , now 21 and she actually said just the other week if she ever gets married it will be my DH who walks her down the aisle. He has been in her life since she was 4, they have a lovely relationship.

caringcarer · 08/09/2022 00:39

DH 2 has taken on my 2 teens and 8 year old. Been married 17 years now and he has helped me bring them up. He has no kids of his own but gets on great with mine. He shares my 2 grandkids too.

maddy68 · 08/09/2022 00:45

Not my own relationship but my step dad took me on as his own from the age of 6. Mum and "dad" went on to have a child together. I honestly never ever felt I was different or not as loved. (if anything I was favoured ).

It's not only possible but happens frequently

Simonjt · 08/09/2022 05:57

anthurium · 07/09/2022 23:28

Watching with interest...

I'm currently in the state of mind where I can't imagine meeting someone who I would allow to be part of my family unit (I'm a solo mum by choice).

To everyone who has posted: have any partners legally adopted your children and if not, why not? Thanks in advance.

No, not yet, it is however on the cards. We had both discussed it as a future option, then when our daughters adoption was recently finalised my son did ask when his Papa was going to become his forever Papa. So it might be something we do a little sooner than planned.

MintJulia · 08/09/2022 06:26

If there are men like that, I've never met one.

But DS is in his teens now so in a few short years I'll be able to have a bit more of a grown up social life. 🙂

Sux2buthen · 08/09/2022 06:30

My dad did/ does.
He's a pain in the arse but he's my dad Grin

Toddlerteaplease · 08/09/2022 06:44

I had a patient at with the other day who had her step dad staying with her. And unless I'd known who he was. I'd have had no idea that he was not her biology dad. He was so lovely with her.

wottabargain · 08/09/2022 06:48

My DH did. Met when DS was 4 married 18 months later and he loves him as much as our son we had together and to my DS he is his dad. IMO it helps that his waste of space bio father hasn't been seen since he was 3 so he has very little recollection of him.

Jumpking · 08/09/2022 06:52

My sister's ex did this for my niece. Became stepdad when niece was 18 months. They had my nephew.

They split when niece was 13. Stepdad took both children for regular contact. Step nan treated them the same, and gave each child a pot of money when they were 18.

Stepdad recently paid £1000s for niece's wedding and looked so proud walking her down the aisle.

Stepdad is soon to retire and niece and nephew are being gifted the business.

Niece has never considered him anything but her dad and the attempts her bio dad has made to get in touch through the years have not had too much of a negative effect on her, as she knows who her real dad is.

Thank you for making me reflect on what a good man he is. I missed him when he and my sister split.

layladomino · 08/09/2022 07:00

@Tyuii in my case we met through work

Teddletime · 08/09/2022 07:04

It does seem on MN that men are much more prepared to become involved step fathers than women are prepared to become step mothers.
So many horrible threads on here from step mothers who don't want anything to do with their stepchildren. Who don't want to do any parenting and actively dislike their stepchildren.
Perhaps it is a 'thing' like a lot of women being hostile to in laws. A lot of step mothers turn against their step children when their own biological children are born.
There is the story in Genesis where Sarah, wife of Abraham, wants to get rid of her step son, Ishmael, when her biological son, Isaac is born.
According to tradition Isaac becomes the founder of the Jewish nation and Ishmael, founder of the Arab nation.
I think step mother hostility is very common on here. I hope not so much in real life.

anthurium · 08/09/2022 09:03

Teddletime · 08/09/2022 07:04

It does seem on MN that men are much more prepared to become involved step fathers than women are prepared to become step mothers.
So many horrible threads on here from step mothers who don't want anything to do with their stepchildren. Who don't want to do any parenting and actively dislike their stepchildren.
Perhaps it is a 'thing' like a lot of women being hostile to in laws. A lot of step mothers turn against their step children when their own biological children are born.
There is the story in Genesis where Sarah, wife of Abraham, wants to get rid of her step son, Ishmael, when her biological son, Isaac is born.
According to tradition Isaac becomes the founder of the Jewish nation and Ishmael, founder of the Arab nation.
I think step mother hostility is very common on here. I hope not so much in real life.

@Teddletime
I know a man who took his step children on as his own (he and the partner didn't have their own children, I'm not sure why), several years later the relationship broke down and she forbade him from seeing her children (the children had a biological father who was involved with them).

He was absolutely broken. For me that sort of left an impression that when a relationship breaks down in this kind of dynamic the emotional investment and involvement for the 'step parent' could literally be wiped off by the legal parent in a matter of seconds, it's terrifying for the person who has no legal leverage in the relationship at the end of the day...

Dweetfidilove · 08/09/2022 09:18

My dad took us on as his own - my mom and 3 children.

Been 30 years now and you'd never know we are not his. He's also been an amazing grandfather to our children.

His two children are also my brother/sister and we have a great relationship.

squashcakes · 08/09/2022 10:14

I met my DH who had been widowed for about seven years. He had three children who at the time were 7,11 and 13. I whole heartedly took on the role of parent but never mum. I do however ensure that I instill their mums values with the children even if they don't align with mine (rare) because I want them to have as close their planned upbringing. I don't have children of my own so I can't compare if I love them as much as I would have my own. All I do know is that I love them unconditionally, I try to protect them as fiercely as I can. Plus they annoy the hell out of me and drive me to madness.

shieldmaiden7 · 08/09/2022 10:20

I am marrying my df in less than 2 weeks and he took on my DC as his own. We had a baby together 9 months ago and he treats our DS no differently to my older lot. We my kids adore him and see him as their father more than their bio dad. My DS who's 16 even said to him the other day you are the dad we always wanted.

It can happen.

My exdh girlfriend on the other hand hates my children and has from the minute she's met them.

Swipe left for the next trending thread