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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

AIBU? Partner with one hell of a sexual history

127 replies

Twinboymum2010 · 02/09/2022 08:31

Hi
long story short, i have met the most wonderful man i have ever known, we are in a relationship, it is very affectionate and very loving. We have spent so much time with each other over the few short months that we have known each other
i had a very bad end to a domestic violent relationship over a decade ago and have been single since. It took me A LONG time to be in a headspace to be back in a relationship again. I put myself out there for the first time this year and i have met the most wonderful, perfect man i could have ever imagined

but there is a problem, he has one hell of a history with women, he has slept with hundreds of women (he won’t disclose the exact amount, doesn’t know the exact amount but knows it to the nearest 50 women)
in the last 8 months before me he has slept with over 40 women…
we have the best sex I’ve ever had in my life (both in our 30’s) it really is incredible, but i am a bigger girl so my confidence isn’t great, he reassures me I’m the best he’s had but of course he’s going to say that right?
my concern is that i am falling for this man HARD, i worry that I won’t be enough for him in the long run and I’m going to get hurt

does anyone else have experience with having this issue? How did you move past your partners past?

many thanks in advance

OP posts:

OldFan · 02/09/2022 18:40

@EmmaH2022 I'm imagining it as oversharing/not considering how a date would view it maybe, rather than thinking it'd impress a woman who's looking for a serious relationship.

I'm starting to look for a serious partner after a chequered period in the past, and I'm the sort of person that it might be hard to keep things to myself that I should. At least after a few dates and a drink or two.

Justleaveitblankthen · 02/09/2022 18:42

He "Fucked anything that moved" Jesus christ. Reminds me of a guy I knew who said he was "just emptying his balls into his hookups " (I wasn't one) 🤬

Bloodyusernamechangefailagain · 02/09/2022 18:43

If he's had that many partners I hope you use condoms. I'd be worried about STIs. And worried he's continuing to sleep around.

Luredbyapomegranate · 02/09/2022 18:45

I mean it's unusual for someone who isn't very young to still be that promiscuous (in that few one night stands are that interesting, so shagging 40 people in a few months would probably be quite dull), but it takes all sorts etc.

Take it slowly to make sure you haven't landed yourself with a man child sex addict, but I don't think you need to actively worry about it, just go at a pace you like.

PermanentTemporary · 02/09/2022 18:47

I've been promiscuous. Right now I'm faithful and expect to remain so. His story sounds plausible to me.

'Promiscuous men (and women) tend to see sexual partners as dehumanised objects or solely as vehicles for their own solipsistic pleasure'

No I fucking don't. Sex is a hobby for me. If you like playing Crown Green bowls, are your teammates 'vehicles for your own pleasure' or just people you share an interest with? One of the reasons I liked sex with random people was meeting someone in a pure space and enjoying physical time with them for the sheer fun of it. Many people I wouldn't particularly want to go to a movie with are absolutely wonderful in the sack.

Honeypickle · 02/09/2022 18:52

@MissingNashville I thought exactly the same!

TheNorth · 02/09/2022 18:55

He's lying!!

EmmaH2022 · 02/09/2022 18:55

OldFan · 02/09/2022 18:40

@EmmaH2022 I'm imagining it as oversharing/not considering how a date would view it maybe, rather than thinking it'd impress a woman who's looking for a serious relationship.

At the start of the thread, some posters thought he might be lying to impress. I just can't get my head round that.

OrlandointheWilderness · 02/09/2022 18:58

I've slept with a lot of people. I'm a relationship I am the most loyal person out, I don't hanker after no strings sex and I find it far more fulfilling to be with someone I love. Tbh I wouldn't think too much about this, it doesn't always mean anything and he has given you no reason to not trust his word.

OldFan · 02/09/2022 19:02

At the start of the thread, some posters thought he might be lying to impress

He would have to be a whole new level of socially clueless to think that'd work in helping him get a serious relationship.

Adrianneannanne · 02/09/2022 19:14

OldFan · 02/09/2022 19:02

At the start of the thread, some posters thought he might be lying to impress

He would have to be a whole new level of socially clueless to think that'd work in helping him get a serious relationship.

Most women wouldn't like it, but I'm sure some people like the idea of being the one that got him. Sort of links to live bombing when a bloke is dishing out all the compliments (you're the best I had out of all those other women, I'm such a charming player and I chose you), you're the one that he fell for.

OldFan · 02/09/2022 19:24

Most women wouldn't like it, but I'm sure some people like the idea of being the one that got him

True, but there are probably less of those than there are women who'd be turned off.

I suppose it might be a sort of filter to let the women know he loves sex and the subtext is if he doesn't get it when he wants it he might go elsewhere and shop around again.

misslooloo · 28/02/2023 18:47

Are you dating Andrew Tate?

fdgdfgdfgdfg · 28/02/2023 19:08

@Twinboymum2010 I've slept with 36 women, 34 of which were one night stands in the space of 4 months in between my two long term relationships.

I've never cheated on anyone, never led anyone on. I've been with my current partner for 16 years and am perfectly happy with the amount of sex we have (which has had its peaks and troughs over the years)

Just because someone has enjoyed being free and single, doesn't mean that they aren't also happy in a long term monogamous relationship

Moretodo · 28/02/2023 19:19

www.bannerhealth.com/healthcareblog/teach-me/what-is-love-bombing-and-how-to-recognize-the-signs

He is love bombing you. I think the slept with so many women could be true, and is to make you feel insecure. Sowing the seeds.

Because you haven't done your healing work around the last abusive relationship you will be blind to it.
And power blind.
Who has the power here?. You or him?

Maybe you think power is a dirty word.
If you were in your power you wouldn't speak of yourself or him in the way that you do.
Of course he will know this too.

I'll be all the posters saying "go for it!" have never experienced narcisstic abuse.

Naunet · 28/02/2023 19:29

It would be a turn off for me. I don’t mind someone having been a bit promiscuous, but that’s a level too far for me. I’d also wonder if it was a lie to try and make me feel insecure.

Also, please get your head out of the clouds! You’re calling him perfect when you’ve only known him a few months, slow right down. You shouldn’t have introduced your children to him already either.

This is exactly how people can end up in abusive relationships, you’re buying in far, far too soon so it would feel like the end of the world to break up over problems that start to crop up. Easier to ignore, give him the benefit of the doubt because you’re so invested before you even really know him.

maddy68 · 28/02/2023 19:45

I wouldn't trust him. Sorry

Sickofcoughing · 28/02/2023 20:19

Being promiscuous is no indicator that someone will be unfaithful. I'm talking about myself (female) and men I know (who would have no reason to lie to me).

Everything you've said about him sounds fine to me but you don't know him very long and it's far too early for you to have made your mind up about him.

Judge him on how he treats you and how you feel when you're together.

Keep him away from your kids.

FaceLikeASlappedArse1985 · 28/02/2023 20:30

I was incredibly promiscuous in my younger days… I’m talking between 100-200 men since I was 16 (I’m 37 now) never kept count but it was only when I got older that I realised a lot of it was due to unresolved childhood trauma - don’t think this is usually the case with men in this scenario but just putting it out there

However I’ve never been unfaithful and have had serious relationships, I’d love nothing more than to meet the man of my dreams and be settled down for life

still looking mind!

SherlockStones · 28/02/2023 21:02

If true he's been paying for it, otherwise its fabrication

IsThePopeCatholic · 28/02/2023 21:53

I’d be put off.

buttercupboots · 28/02/2023 21:55

@Twinboymum2010 since this thread is about 6 months old, do you have any updates OP?

Original poster

Twinboymum2010 · 28/02/2023 22:01

Happy to update since it has been requested. We’re still very much together and in the healthiest relationship I’ve ever been in. People saying I hadnt healed from previous traumatic relationship, my last relationship was over 12 years ago and I have very much healed but this was my first proper relationship since so I was obviously cautious.
Not sure what to say about the love bombing since I think it’s a fine line between love bombing and just being affectionate?
like we’re not overly gifty towards each other, relationship has moved at a steady level, we both have our own places and that wont change any time soon!
I mostly forget about his past since I asked that he ignore me anytime I bring it up and it was before we met and he’s pnly proved to me since that he only wants me

OP posts:

TicketBoo23 · 28/02/2023 22:01

Just because someone has enjoyed being free and single

34 one night stands in 4 months is not enjoying being free and single, it's promiscuity.

And why does enjoying being free and single have to translate into fucking. There are other ways to be free and single.

buttercupboots · 28/02/2023 22:03

@Twinboymum2010 so glad it all worked out for you!

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