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Original poster

AIBU? Partner with one hell of a sexual history

127 replies

Twinboymum2010 · 02/09/2022 08:31

Hi
long story short, i have met the most wonderful man i have ever known, we are in a relationship, it is very affectionate and very loving. We have spent so much time with each other over the few short months that we have known each other
i had a very bad end to a domestic violent relationship over a decade ago and have been single since. It took me A LONG time to be in a headspace to be back in a relationship again. I put myself out there for the first time this year and i have met the most wonderful, perfect man i could have ever imagined

but there is a problem, he has one hell of a history with women, he has slept with hundreds of women (he won’t disclose the exact amount, doesn’t know the exact amount but knows it to the nearest 50 women)
in the last 8 months before me he has slept with over 40 women…
we have the best sex I’ve ever had in my life (both in our 30’s) it really is incredible, but i am a bigger girl so my confidence isn’t great, he reassures me I’m the best he’s had but of course he’s going to say that right?
my concern is that i am falling for this man HARD, i worry that I won’t be enough for him in the long run and I’m going to get hurt

does anyone else have experience with having this issue? How did you move past your partners past?

many thanks in advance

OP posts:
19Bears · 02/09/2022 11:21

Sorry OP but I would really be put off by the teenage style bragging way above the number of women in itself. He sounds a bit immature.

EmmaH2022 · 02/09/2022 11:21

Have you seen the paperwork for the clearance on STIs?

I wouldn't want to date someone like this. I can see how that headspace happens but it would give me the ick.

EmmaH2022 · 02/09/2022 11:22

Also, amazed that lying about that would be to be seen as impressive! I'm so old.

Clymene · 02/09/2022 11:23

Why do you know how many women he's had sex with? It's just odd to me that he's mentioned it. It feels like he's trying to make you feel insecure.

Add that to the fact that you've been with him a few short months and you're already talking about moving in together and this has 🚩 🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩all over it. He's love bombing you.

What work on yourself have you done since you left your abusive relationship?

LemonMuffins · 02/09/2022 11:23

I'd be a bit repulsed to be honest. About the number and also the fact he felt the need to tell me such specifics.

I'd want 3 months clear blood work to make sure he wasn't bringing anything really unexpected into the relationship.

viques · 02/09/2022 11:27

Twinboymum2010 · 02/09/2022 09:26

He has, he came out of a 3 year relationship end of last year so in his words went on a bender and basically fucked anything that moved
Both want marriage, i have children already, he has no desire to have biological children of his own due to being adopted himself.

We have both been checked for sti’s
Had the chat about being exclusive very early on because I’m not one to sleep around
We are both happy with the amount of sex
Long term conversations we have spoken about us both wanting to get married/move in together etc

Your first post talks about a “few short months”, now you are saying you are talking about moving in together/ marriage. Unless there is a huge drip feed coming about how one of you has been diagnosed with a terminal illness and only has weeks to live then what is the rush? Enjoy each other’s company, enjoy the sex, let him get to know your kids, let him pluck up the courage to confess to the lies about his bedroom conquests .

GerardIsTheBest · 02/09/2022 11:29

You need to get to know him longer before committing. He will have flaws. How bad are they?

LadyEloise1 · 02/09/2022 11:32

"....he has no desire to have biological children of his own due to being adopted...."

Hmm.
That's a wee bit strange, I think.

I'd tread carefully, very carefully

Original poster
Twinboymum2010 · 02/09/2022 11:43

Sorry i should clarify
We are not talking about moving in together anywhere near soon!!
Just in general, much MUCH further down the line!

It was honestly a passing comment, talking about past partners, i said he had probably been with more people in the last 8 months than i had (i have been with 1 person) he said maybe, i managed to get it out of him. He wasn’t bragging at all!

He said he’s ready to commit, doesn’t want anyone else

Yes we both showed each other the confirmation texts from our sti screenings that we both had, he also says he used a condom every time with anyone that he slept with during this period of time, which I believe because we also used condoms even though i have the coil

I don’t totally believe the love bombing, we haven’t even said that to each other yet!

OP posts:
ThirtyThreeTrees · 02/09/2022 11:44

I want to revise my initial response.

The one thing is in his favour is that he is good in bed.

In my experience, any of the men I have slept with that have very high numbers, or at least the ones that insisted on telling me about it, tended to be extremely selfish and poor in bed. It's almost like they were never with the same woman long enough to really discover how to please a woman or care about her pleasure.

He has also been in a 3 year relationship.

I think you need to take it slowly but maybe not dismiss him outright.

Whiskeypowers · 02/09/2022 11:46

Are you seriously telling us that in “the few short months” - your words- you’ve been at it with this bloke that you’ve been presented with irrefutable proof he has no sti ?
I am a bit 🤔

the not wanting kids because you were adopted is unusual too. I know several people who are adopted they all have children of their own.

i hope for your sake he isn’t just using you but it feels possible to me. You are way over invested in this man in a short time and this weird juxtaposition of thinking he’s perfect,, wanting to marry him but then having these huge gnawing doubts and questions means you are likely to be setting yourself up for heartbreak

having lots of sexual partners isn’t “wrong” but what IS relevant is both how safe you are and what attitudes have underlined his behaviour in this regard. I don’t think you can say honestly with either of those points you know the truth.

Original poster
Twinboymum2010 · 02/09/2022 11:46

I think that’s the thing. This seems to be his only flaw that is giving me the ick

he is kind, thoughtful, loving, my kids get on with him like a house on fire. He plays me the piano, he’s taken me to his work event
he is extremely affectionate. He cooks me dinner, wakes up before me to tidy the house (even when he’s at mine) I’ve met his parents who were lovely. He brings me cups of tea in bed, ubereats coffee to my office, i could honestly go on and on

im a massive overthinking so maybe I’m just trying to find flaws?

OP posts:
Original poster
Twinboymum2010 · 02/09/2022 11:48

With regards to the children. I have twin boys that are 12 years old and i have PCOS so don’t want anymore children. He has said that he is fine with this and is open to having children but does not mind if he cannot have children of his own

sorry my comment made it seem like he really didn’t want to have children of his own!

OP posts:
Original poster
Twinboymum2010 · 02/09/2022 11:50

He is absolutely the opposite of selfish in bed, really the most generous lover I’ve ever had, very caring. We have extremely passionate very ‘kissy’ sex aswell as ‘fucking’

OP posts:
WaltzingWaters · 02/09/2022 11:54

I’m not sure why people think he’s lying. Although 40 women in just eight months is a lot. 50 in his adult life, isn’t too extreme.
I, well, let’s say I had fun, and though I’ve not kept count, it wouldn’t be too far off that. I’m now in a completely committed relationship and have absolutely zero interest in anything with anyone else. For me, I was single, had fun, got that all out of my system, love now being in a committed relationship. Certainly doesn’t have to mean anything bad. I would ensure he’s had (and you have) STI checks though.
What I have with my partner now is so much more meaningful than any of the others, and therefore, the sex is just better in so many ways.
Of course, not all situations are the same, but this is my experience with it.

Catch21 · 02/09/2022 11:55

I've been with a guy like this OP. When he was single he was very promiscuous, but while we were together (approx 3 years) I have no reason at all to believe that he was unfaithful to me. He seemed to find it easy to categorise women into "sleep with" and "have a relationship with" (and made it clear to the women involved too).

My ex was a lovely man and we split amicably. So unlike most of the other posters on this thread I wouldn't have a problem with this, as long as it doesn't cause self esteem issues for you.

viques · 02/09/2022 11:55

Twinboymum2010 · 02/09/2022 11:46

I think that’s the thing. This seems to be his only flaw that is giving me the ick

he is kind, thoughtful, loving, my kids get on with him like a house on fire. He plays me the piano, he’s taken me to his work event
he is extremely affectionate. He cooks me dinner, wakes up before me to tidy the house (even when he’s at mine) I’ve met his parents who were lovely. He brings me cups of tea in bed, ubereats coffee to my office, i could honestly go on and on

im a massive overthinking so maybe I’m just trying to find flaws?

You don’t think this is lovebombing after a few months? Its been ten years since your last relationship, I think during those years you have read a few too many romcoms , most real life relationships don’t have this sort of relentless intensity. Especially from someone who claims to have issues about commitment.

My advice, enjoy it while it lasts if it makes you happy , but don’t put all your emotional eggs in one basket.

Clymene · 02/09/2022 11:55

WaltzingWaters · 02/09/2022 11:54

I’m not sure why people think he’s lying. Although 40 women in just eight months is a lot. 50 in his adult life, isn’t too extreme.
I, well, let’s say I had fun, and though I’ve not kept count, it wouldn’t be too far off that. I’m now in a completely committed relationship and have absolutely zero interest in anything with anyone else. For me, I was single, had fun, got that all out of my system, love now being in a committed relationship. Certainly doesn’t have to mean anything bad. I would ensure he’s had (and you have) STI checks though.
What I have with my partner now is so much more meaningful than any of the others, and therefore, the sex is just better in so many ways.
Of course, not all situations are the same, but this is my experience with it.

It's not 50 in total. It's hundreds and he knows the number give or take 50.

Petrar · 02/09/2022 11:56

40 women in 8 months would have alarm bells ringing in my head - he would have to be extremely proactive and treat it like a serious hobby to achieve that in 8 months. Assuming these were all one night stands that’s 1-2 women per week. It’s a bit compulsive..and he never saw any of them again?

If he is lying, then obviously also a red flag.

Personally I would nope out of there.

Clymene · 02/09/2022 11:57

Why the hell have your children met him? ShockShock You've only known him a few months.

I'm done with this thread. I'm so sick of women who don't safeguard their own children.

Petrar · 02/09/2022 11:58

And how many hundreds are we talking, if 40 in 8 months is the rate he’s going at..?!!
Would seriously be wondering wtf is going on there.

ethelredonagoodday · 02/09/2022 11:59

I think it's definitely possible! Similar to a PP, my best friend came out of a long relationship, in her late 20s and had a couple of very wild years. She's now married with two kids living a very steady life. It does happen!

WaltzingWaters · 02/09/2022 12:00

Clymene · 02/09/2022 11:55

It's not 50 in total. It's hundreds and he knows the number give or take 50.

Show quote history

Ah sorry, completely misread that bit, trying to multitask. Ok, that is a lot then!

MrsRobinsonsHandprints · 02/09/2022 12:03

most wonderful man i have ever known

wonderful, perfect man i could have ever imagined

worry that I won’t be enough for him

I see other people have picked up on this but I wouldn't say you were ready for a relationship.

He is just a man, he is human, it is a short relationship and already you have him on a pedestal and are putting yourself down, this isn't healthy. You are also putting a lot of trust into someone you hardly know.

KarmaComma · 02/09/2022 12:04

There's a difference between having lots of sex(ual partners) and being a cheater. I've had a bit of a wild past, enjoyed sex and lots of partners, but I'm not a cheater. Married for 15 years now and not remotely interested in cheating.