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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

AIBU? Partner with one hell of a sexual history

127 replies

Twinboymum2010 · 02/09/2022 08:31

Hi
long story short, i have met the most wonderful man i have ever known, we are in a relationship, it is very affectionate and very loving. We have spent so much time with each other over the few short months that we have known each other
i had a very bad end to a domestic violent relationship over a decade ago and have been single since. It took me A LONG time to be in a headspace to be back in a relationship again. I put myself out there for the first time this year and i have met the most wonderful, perfect man i could have ever imagined

but there is a problem, he has one hell of a history with women, he has slept with hundreds of women (he won’t disclose the exact amount, doesn’t know the exact amount but knows it to the nearest 50 women)
in the last 8 months before me he has slept with over 40 women…
we have the best sex I’ve ever had in my life (both in our 30’s) it really is incredible, but i am a bigger girl so my confidence isn’t great, he reassures me I’m the best he’s had but of course he’s going to say that right?
my concern is that i am falling for this man HARD, i worry that I won’t be enough for him in the long run and I’m going to get hurt

does anyone else have experience with having this issue? How did you move past your partners past?

many thanks in advance

OP posts:

girlmom21 · 02/09/2022 09:28

I don't think it actually matters. Ok he had lots of casual sex. Maybe he's exaggerating the number.

He likes you, you like him, you've had the exclusivity chat and seems genuine. I think you'd be daft to not give it a go.

Original poster

Twinboymum2010 · 02/09/2022 09:29

Yes it seems totally possible. He used to be on tinder and meet people specifically for sex that way so it was more than 1 a week….
Made it quite clear from the very beginning that they would meet up for mutual sex but nothing more
I’m genuinely concerned that at some point we will start bumping into people he’s been with

OP posts:

Original poster

Twinboymum2010 · 02/09/2022 09:34

See this is where I’m conflicted
I trust this guy, he states he has never cheated on a partner before and would never cheat. Claims he’s happier than ever
We see each other so much and speak to each other so much that i honestly don’t think he’d have the time to cheat
But like other people have said it’s really playing on my mind how many people he’s been with before and I’m struggling to get it out of my head

OP posts:

Mardyface · 02/09/2022 09:35

The other women are beside the point. The fact you have known him 'a few short months' and are describing him as 'wonderful and perfect' added to your previous abusive partner - that is setting off a big clanging warning bell in my mind. Slow down.

If the previous partners have put you off, that's fine. Don't ignore your feelings about it, they are valid. Maybe he's not the one after all, and that's OK.

Adrianneannanne · 02/09/2022 09:36

Just sounds a player. He may bed lying spot the specific number, but still.

Saying you're the best he's ever had.. makes me raise an eyebrow. Not anything towards you op, but why did he say that? So out of hundreds, you're the best? And he just said this unprovoked, why? Reminds me of lovebombing. Like 'I cheat on everyone but I'd never cheat on you', which I've actually had before.

Bragging about shagging loads of women is extremely unattractive for a FWB nevermind a relationship. I'd avoid but you sound smitten so just see how it goes then🤷‍♀️

Original poster

Twinboymum2010 · 02/09/2022 09:37

He states he never wanted a relationship with any of these women
He came out of a long term relationship last year and just wanted no strings fun
He used tinder for hook ups, we met each other through facebook dating which he says he was looking for a relationship and genuine connection
We used protection until we had the exclusivity talk. But he said he stopped sleeping with other people when we started talking, which i believe

OP posts:

JubileeTissues · 02/09/2022 09:38

You're going too fast. Slow right down, he's not wonderful and amazing, he reacted to a separation from his relatively short relationship by going on a 3 year bender and bedding as many women as possible. That's not the actions of a wonderful man.

Adrianneanneanne · 02/09/2022 09:38

You really need to be more wary. You have no idea if your the one, or if he says this to all the other women on his bender.

JubileeTissues · 02/09/2022 09:39

Sorry, one year bender. My point remains the same

knittingaddict · 02/09/2022 09:42

I put myself out there for the first time this year and i have met the most wonderful, perfect man i could have ever imagined

Noooooo. No one is perfect. I worry about your mindset.

astoundedgoat · 02/09/2022 09:50

If you meet someone as an adult, having some kind of sexual history is reasonable (and none at all would be worse!), but the idea of several HUNDRED women is hugely offputting.

It sounds like sex addiction or something being not quite "right" with him (or any person) to be so interested in constant sex with strangers but not interested at all in relationships (ONE 3yr relationship ever??). I feel like he would get sucked back into casual sex (or paid for sex, for that matter) very easily if he's coming from that sort of place. A gambling addict can promise you the world, but he'll be back at it behind your back sooner or later. Is this different?

Or he's lying.

Either way, it sounds like he needs a therapist, not a girlfriend.

Really, OP - you can do better than this, I promise.

DoIWantThis · 02/09/2022 09:52

'He has no desire to have biological children of his own due to being adopted himself' that flew out at me......

ThirtyThreeTrees · 02/09/2022 09:58

I normally think someone's previous sexual history is the own business, assuming they disclose anything that may be a rise to you.

His current "run rate" for want of a better expression is a new woman every 6 days. No idea what age he is but multiple it out - it is unlikely that he hasn't picked up some STDs along the way. I hope for your sake he had a clean test before you started sleeping with him.

IF what he says is true, he may have a sex addiction. What happens when you are ill/don't feel like sex or there's a period of drought, does he go back again chasing others for sex.

Also, I would find it extremely bizarre that any man would want to boast about the number of womrn she's slept with unless he is in his teens - it seems very immature.

SleepingStandingUp · 02/09/2022 10:02

Twinboymum2010 · 02/09/2022 09:29

Do you think he's going to point them out? Like walking down the road nad he points and says "banged her, tight vag, 9/10" or they'll come up to him "Hey, little cock good fingers, fancy ditching her gf for 30 seconds up the alley?". He probably won't even remember them!

INeedNewShoes · 02/09/2022 10:02

I'm pretty sure there are STIs that don't show up on tests if they're in a symptomless phase. I can't see how he can possibly be STI free if he has had sex with that many women.

I wouldn't contemplate a relationship with someone like him.

Of course you're not the best he's had if he's slept with hundreds of women. You can't trust this man.

DragonflyNights · 02/09/2022 10:12

I’m a very liberal live and let live type generally but this amount of sexual partners in such a short space of time (if true) would make me pause. For a start, I find it VERY hard to believe anyone can find such a high amount of women apparently content to be one night stands or similar in such a short space of time. I’d be worried he’s a player and happy to say whatever it takes to get women into bed.

Secondly, it seems like a very extreme reaction to a relationship breakdown - a huge ‘sex bender’ for months? Was he fucking his way past his feelings? If so, doesn’t suggest a healthy way to deal with emotional turmoil to me, it seems addictive.

And thirdly - while I wouldn’t want to slut shame this man, that is a LOT of sexual partners and it would worry me personally he was so keen to fuck so many strangers basically. All without any sort of emotion other than sexual gratification if he’s to be believed (and apparently many many women also happy for a fuck and run? Really?).

Just doesn’t scream long term prospect to me.

Apl · 02/09/2022 10:20

Would be a great shame to destroy an otherwise happy relationship with a lovely guy who’s good in bed because he’s been promiscuous in the past. He hasn’t cheated on anyone and he’s been honest with you about his past.

So what if he’s had a lot of sex?! Who cares? Do you want a virgin?!! Or is there some arbitrary number of ex-lovers that is acceptable to you and beyond that is taboo?

You need to work on your confidence maybe and stop thinking about his past. One nught standa are crap anyway, I’m sure he’s much happier with you.

MysteriousMonkey · 02/09/2022 10:27

Sounds amazing, honestly I would just enjoy this. Why worry about it, he sounds happy, you're happy, so don't waste headspace on nothing. My DH also has an advanced sexual history, I don't think about it at all usually, other than to wish I'd been a bit more adventurous 🤣

Goldi321 · 02/09/2022 10:34

I’m with @DragonflyNights it would give me the ick and for me it says a lot about his attitude towards women as just objects to fuck for his own pleasure.
I would be very wary about making future plans with this man. He’s told you who he is, believe him.

wellhelloitsme · 02/09/2022 10:40

He has, he came out of a 3 year relationship end of last year so in his words went on a bender and basically fucked anything that moved

I mean numbers aside I wouldn't want to shag someone who spoke about the women he has shagged before in this way tbh...

chocolateoranges33 · 02/09/2022 11:05

Everyone has got a past - some of them are wild. He's with you because he wants to be. Please don't over think this. He seems to have be honest with you about his past and reasons for why he slept around (which sounds truthful to me) but his actions show you that his words are honest. Please enjoy your relationship with him and forget about his past as he's choosing his future with you.

BEAM123 · 02/09/2022 11:10

I tend to think that if people are having one night stands at least they are honest about what they want and capable of being honest about what they want. Nobody is going to think that - for example - a Tinder date that ends up in bed on the first night is because the bloke wanted a relationship. And I think there are plenty of women out there who are out for exactly the same - a hook up with no risk of getting emotionally involved.

So, although on the face of it, it all sounds a bit ick, at least it sounds like he is someone who knows what he wants and has his boundaries straight. Which is in my opinion better than someone who can't be honest about what they want and just strings people along for a few weeks and then dumps them. So if he is dating you and is faithful, then he knows what he wants and you have clicked, because he could get just sex anywhere.

I hope you've had STI checks though, and be cautious (of STI and your heart) for a while longer though, so you can be more sure of where he is standing.

Motnight · 02/09/2022 11:13

wellhelloitsme · 02/09/2022 10:40

He has, he came out of a 3 year relationship end of last year so in his words went on a bender and basically fucked anything that moved

I mean numbers aside I wouldn't want to shag someone who spoke about the women he has shagged before in this way tbh...

Yes, please tell us that those weren't the actual words he used, Op.

AryaStarkWolf · 02/09/2022 11:17

Isittrueornot · 02/09/2022 09:19

I think his telling the truth about the 50 women, just think his lying about the time span- last 8 months, no way, more like years- his a serial cheater and play boy and he been his whole life probably.

Any long term relationships? I’d be very careful of this one!!!

No she said he slept with 100's of women, he doesn't know exactly how many but knows the figure to the nearest 50

Calphurnia88 · 02/09/2022 11:19

I was ready to throw the 'everyone has a past' line in but 40 different women in 8 months would probably put me off, sorry OP.

I think this comes down to your gut instinct. Do you feel he's ready to commit?

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