CF Acquaintance turned up today despite refusing invite

[Grumpusaurus]

We live in a popular tourist destination and after numerous people took advantage of us, we nip it in the bud now. Most seem to follow the same script by contacting us out of the blue and mentioning that it would be so lovely to see us. I now answer in a very friendly manner that it has been years since we last heard from them and it would indeed be lovely to catch up over coffee in a nearby spot when they are in the area. This does tend to put an end to most of those potential CFs, however, one acquaintance pushed back and asked to stay with us at the beginning of September. I told her that this would not be possible, especially as we have a very tight deadline and will be working flat out to finish a commission. DH and I are self-employed craftspeople and sometimes we do work all day and most of the night to finish pieces and the DC stay at their grandparents during that last push. Not heard back from the acquaintance since July even though she clearly read my WhatsApp message.

The doorbell went this evening, I ignored it as DH and I were in the middle of working on our commission but someone kept pushing the bell. Our property is an L-shape so you can see from our workshop who is at the front door. CF acquaintance was standing there with a suitcase! DH is more of a people pleaser and while really cheesed off was about to answer the door till I told him no bloody way! He redeemed himself by immediately agreeing. The bell went a few more times and then got a flurry of WhatsApp messages, which I ignored. She eventually left after half an hour. I am almost bemused by the cheek of it but there is no way I am going to let anyone railroad me into being their free accommodation and greatly inconveniencing us, especially while we literally get up to work all hours and fall into bed. DH is fretting about her coming back but I told that we will just continue to ignore the doorbell. We have a back gate to a dirt track we can stealth like leave the property if she is holding a siege at the front door 😎 There are plenty of hotels and B&Bs in the area, albeit quite dear. Who does that! A rhetorical question but am just shocked by the cheek of just turning up after saying emphatically No!

This is why I won't add people we meet on holiday to my face book . A relative let some people stay at hers who she met on holiday . After feeding them and driving them around the local beauty spots , they left and she never heard from them again . This was pre internet days . A Lesson learned .

Forgot to add she looked them up on Facebook years later . They are still alive and kicking and still in the same town . She hasn't added them . Lesson learned.

Why do you want this info? If it’s interesting to you are you next going to ask if you can visit them😀?

We also suffer from the assumption of wanting to host anyone we've ever met as we have a pool and tennis court. One family refers to us as the summer friends.

It's never "would you mind if we came to stay?", it's always "we must come to stay this summer". Never accompanied by any offer that we could stay with them instead. I can think of several friends who wanted to descend this summer but haven't offered to have us at their house once in 25 years.

While I like to have friends over, I do not want them staying every weekend in summer as it's knackering. It seems as if CF rules don't apply and you're fair game if you have a facility they don't have at home.

We also suffer from the assumption of wanting to host anyone we've ever met as we have a pool and tennis court. One family refers to us as the summer friends.

It's never "would you mind if we came to stay?", it's always "we must come to stay this summer". Never accompanied by any offer that we could stay with them instead. I can think of several friends who wanted to descend this summer but haven't offered to have us at their house once in 25 years.

While I like to have friends over, I do not want them staying every weekend in summer as it's knackering. It seems as if CF rules don't apply and you're fair game if you have a facility they don't have at home.

Oops sorry double post for some reason

When she asked to stay, she mentioned that it was for over 10 days. DH reckons that she might still try again after the weekend

Good anticipation there from your DH.

Just a teeny, one room wide, typical Dutch house with teeny rooms

It's similar for Japan and cities like Tokyo. The non-stop stream of people who wanted to invite themselves and who had no idea of just how tiny the accommodation was. (And spoke no Japanese and somehow never considered that I wouldn't be able to take time off work to escort them round everywhere.)

We have bought a few pieces from a couple in Cornwall who produce art together. Whenever I read this thread I always imagine it's that couple. In fact I nearly told DH all about it yesterday as if it was definitely that couple, then I remembered I've fabricated that link!

Do CFs know they're CFs or are they able to rationalise it all to themselves?

I've often wondered this. From my experience, I think a lot get so ingrained in it that it genuinely doesn't occur to them that there's anything wrong or unusual in it. Just like it never crosses a young child's mind that their parents won't simply do/get/provide everything they want and need, I reckon CFs get habituated to the 'taker' role and think little more of it. I also think that a lot see it as their reward for all their careful planning and grifting - kind of like a lucrative job that anybody could do and reap the rewards from if they had the skill and motivation and were willing to put in the hours. If you end up being the giver/suffering rather than the taker/benefitting, that's entirely your own choice, and it's up to you to work harder if you want to 'better' yourself.

Some of them do act rather secretively when working their craft, but I wonder if that's them reasoning that 'the uninformed masses' simply don't understand them or how (they think) things should rightly work, so they have to be discreet and 'make allowances' for their ignorant benefit. If it's not a weird analogy, maybe like folk into the BDSM or swinging scene see nothing odd, bad or embarrassing about it at all, but they still know that it's not something they ever mention in general conversation to others who aren't part of the scene.

I always laugh when you get people who describe themselves as 'liking the finer things in life' - as if that's their immutable personality type and merely wanting something expensive entitles/justifies them having it, whoever foots the bill; and the assumption that comes with it, that we ordinary folk genuinely do not like nice things that we can't afford ourselves and that is why we don't have them: it's not cutting our cloth, it's us truly preferring cheap and nasty stuff!

I have mixed feelings about this as when I was a young mother I landed on friend for a week and then SIL in another city where she was a student with a lodger who she told to leave to accommodate her non paying SIL. The outcome is these two people walk on water for helping me out at such a time. And I’m still in close contact with them.
On the other hand I remember feeling I was perhaps selfish when a friend of mine was about to be descended on by acquaintance with baby and I offered in her stead. Dreadful mistake she stayed for six months and expected to be waited on hand and foot. I went to great lengths to get her somewhere else to live and remember running round the flat whooping for joy when she finally left.
for a holiday? Stay uninvited with people you hardly know? Some of my classier friends seem to do this all the time is it because they are CF’s or just the way it’s done amongst the more privileged?

I have mixed feelings about this as when I was a young mother I landed on friend for a week and then SIL in another city where she was a student with a lodger who she told to leave to accommodate her non paying SIL. The outcome is these two people walk on water for helping me out at such a time. And I’m still in close contact with them.

But friends and close family are completely different from some vague acquaintance whose address you have to wheedle out of another acquaintance, and whom you never ever contact except when wanting a favour. A big favour from a close, loved one is the other end of the spectrum to exploiting people as though they're a business, only when it suits you, but without ever expecting to pay them as you would in a business relationship.

That said, I do feel sorry for the evicted lodger, though. Did your SIL give them a good period of notice that the agreement would need to come to an end, or did she just chuck them straight out when she had a 'better' (albeit not financially so) offer?

It really is effective. The biggest hurdle is getting over that mental barrier of actually using it if you’re not a confrontational person.

I worked in a bar many years ago so was often finishing 3am and then catching up on sleep the next morning. One week, Jehovahs Witnesses rang my door at 8:30. I have nothing against Jehovahs Witnesses, or any other religious group, in fact a family of them were neighbours of mine growing up and are still good friends.

I opened the door, bleary eyed, and kindly declined their invitation to learn more about them. 3 days later, the doorbell went early morning and it was the exact same individuals again. I declined again more firmly and asked them (a) not to call again as I’m not interested and (b) not to call again as I work late. 1 week later, doorbell goes and when I peek out it’s them again at the door. This time I opened it, told them to F**k Off loudly and clearly. No more visits!

I used to be more of a mannerly people pleaser with everyone, but now I don’t even try with CFs. Learning not to care what they think is very empowering.

Some of my classier friends seem to do this all the time is it because they are CF’s or just the way it’s done amongst the more privileged?

LIke all the novels where people went from one house party to another? And the impoverished gentility could only survive (because working was unthinkable) by stitching together extended stays even when they knew they were unwanted as they had no means of support otherwise?

It feels like a hangover of that mentality. Although people with money always seem to be entitled to the resources of others with no sense of shame about lacking reciprocity.

Well done OP!! Looking forward to seeing if she turns up again. It's baffling how some people choose to be so oblivious

She might've left an abusive relationship and had nowhere else to go.

That’s a bit of a leap given there was absolutely nothing to suggest that was the case. She could also just be a CF.

Even though all the clues point to her wanting free holiday accommodation with people she barely knows and not a single one points to an abusive relationship.

Don't be so bloody ridiculous 🙄

She conveniently left an abusive relationship on the same date that 2 months ago she requested to come stay? And travelled miles to a holiday destination to stay with an acquaintance, rather than going to family or close friends? Seems unlikely!

She might've left an abusive relationship and had nowhere else to go.

So she planned leaving two or three months earlier and decided she would escape to a specific almost-stranger's house - abroad? She had nowhere else to go in her own country - nowhere at all? No refuges, no charities, no family or friends she actually does know?

If that were the case, it would be a bit like somebody starving and impoverished turning up at a posh seafood restaurant in a far-flung city, and demanding a 'lifesaving' free lobster and bottle of Dom Perignon - because there are no local food banks, religious groups or other community schemes they could possibly have approached first?

To be fair, though, the 'escaping an abusive relationship' tale is probably one that does get used by a lot of CFs wanting similar freebies.

It's a colossal kick in the face to those who actually are fleeing abuse.

We’ve recently been helping out someone who needed emergency accommodation and stayed with us for a while in our (very) small apartment. Trouble is some other have cottoned on to that and we’re now being frequently asked to put people up and store stuff. We don’t have the space and have decided on a 3 nights max policy for any guests (outside of immediate family/truly dire emergency). No storage. I work from home and can’t have people snoring away on the air bed while I’m supposed to be in a meeting!

You sound pretty calculated if your clever enough to not open messages and have a game plan I am sure you don’t need Mums net to resolve this . Be straight up with the person rather than ask on here

If you were escaping an abuser, you set it up with people you actually KNOW.

For those who can’t believe that this is true, I absolutely believe it is.

As I teen I once went on a trip with a group of friends. One of the couples were known for being stingy. I think it’s also important to add that these two people both had jobs and weren’t short for cash (still lived at home with parents, etc).

They traveled around the whole week in his car and never gave a lift to anyone else (I gave a lift to 3 friends the whole trip). Yet they had the gall to ask for petrol money from the rest of the group at the end of the week. Then, after this, conveniently, £20 was missing from the deposit fund, and everyone swore blind it wasn’t them (ie all the individuals on the trip, not the couple) who took the missing £20. I’ve never seen two people get in a car and drive off home as quickly. We never found out the truth but it seems fair to assume that they were pissed off at not getting petrol money so took £20 from the pot then drove off home immediately so they wouldn’t be found out. Was a bit shitty for the sod who never got his deposit back.

People like this absolutely exist. They just see themselves as much more important and genuinely don’t give a fuck about anyone else.