I think I am being completely head ducked

[Thingsneedtochange000]

Please tell me what you think of this kind of behaviour.

Last day of holiday with boyfriend. He is 50 I am 40. We are having a great time, out for lunch, by the beach, we have two separate flights to catch in the evening. We’ve spent four days together no problems.

we finish a bottle of wine at lunch, feeling a bit tipsy, I ask him to kiss me. Just a kiss on the lips not a snog. He says no. Okay. We go to the beach, hang out, laugh some more, swim in the sea. Literally leaning against each other, holding hands, making jokes. I ask him again to give me a kiss on the lips. Just a peck. He says no again. It becomes a bit of a joke. Me begging and him refusing, although I really did want to just be able to kiss him on the lips.

As we are waiting for the taxi and getting into the taxi to go to the airport the joke continues. I said please now we are about to go our separate ways I just want you to kiss me. He was very assertive, the tone completely changed and said “no sorry I really don’t want to.” I asked why. He said I just don’t want to and I have a right to not do something i don’t want to do.”

I am ashamed to say I cried because it was the last time I would see him for a while and he was talking to me as if I was forcing myself on him and he was some kind of victim of my sexual advances (bear in mind this is a three year long, emotional and sexual relationship we are in.)

as soon as I started crying (I was also a bit pissed) he sat back and said “my god, you are so pathetic.” This made me feel 100x worse I said why, why won’t you kiss me? Why is that pathetic we have done it thousands of times before? He said it’s completely pathetic I shouldn’t have to explain why.

I then got out of the taxi and stormed off with my bag and caught another taxi to the airport. He sent a series of texts saying again how my reaction is pathetic then told me he was turning off his phone and would not be checking messages. I got on the plane crying. And the same thing happens every time (the same thing but different has happened before,) I start to panic that I have done something stupid, that actually i am an awful, chaotic crazy person, who cannot respect other people’s boundaries and that I have fallen I to the trap of his stereotype of me. As this crazy, unhinged person who loses it and storms off over something small. So I send a view texts apologising for over reacting and saying how sorry I am and how I will respect his boundaries in the future. This is so confusing to me because I don’t feel I crossed his boundaries, just wanted something we normally do in the course of our relationship.

this is increasingly happening in our relationship. He will take a stand over something or over a principle. Something we usually do as matter or course or have done for several years already: like kissing, holding hands, talking about a certain topic. He will suddenly act like I am crossing a boundary and become formal with me , almost like he wants to see my reaction. The jarring nature of jovial and loving to formal, cold and spontaneous boundaries catches me off guard and I find it very upsetting and will often cry or beg him to tell me why he has suddenly become like that. He then has carte Blanche to say I am over emotional, over sensitive, getting upset over nothing. It’s just a boundary why can’t I respect that? Have I ever heard of #meetoo? He is a person who wants to respect his own principles and live by them. Why can’t I respect that?

why does he do this?

I am walking on eggshells, waiting for the next surprise or boundary, starting to fear getting it wrong. It has also created a physiological sense of heightened anxiety in me where I feel like I could lose him any second and I feel desperate to keep him. The time before when this happened, he blocked me on his phone for four days. It was hell and it was because I had caught him Out in a small white lie about his work. I wanted to understand why he did not tell the truth and was asking him gently. He accused me of being abusive and systematically abusing him over years.

please help what is going on?

I have experience of breaking up with someone like this. In the end the best way to do it was to be totally calm and detached and just keep stating the same bland reasoning for finishing: 'I'm sorry, this just isn't working out for me'. Don't be pressed for specific reasons or cornered into an emotional discussion about it. As he will only use these to try and make you feel like youre wrong and its all your fault. Make sure you tell everyone you jointly know that it just didn't work out. Don't get involved in his drama if he tries to create any. I'm 3 months on and it's been the calmest summer I've had in years. Good luck.

Why are you purting yourself through this?

It's madness staying in something so miserable.

@AdamRyan it’s not about being a sex pest.

I could be married for 50+ years but if I don’t want to kiss my husband then I won’t.

You thinking that you need to give your husband a kiss even when you don’t want to says a lot about you.

‘this is increasingly happening in our relationship. He will take a stand over something or over a principle. Something we usually do as matter or course or have done for several years already: like kissing, holding hands, talking about a certain topic. He will suddenly act like I am crossing a boundary and become formal with me , almost like he wants to see my reaction.’

@SunnyD44 OP makes it clear this is not just about the kissing. He changes the boundaries constantly leaving her bewildered. Not explaIn his reasoning, watches her get distressed, call her pathetic and then blocks her. Adds her again and has accused her of emotionally abusing him etc

Are you honestly saying that this behaviour is her in the wrong?

At 50 I very much doubt he’d stay in this relationship if he was being ‘emotionally abused’ (poor puppy). He knows exactly what he’s doing and is clearly getting a need met by holding onto her.

“Why are you purting yourself through this?

It's madness staying in something so miserable.”

This really. You’re sounding wounded and powerless. That’s not how a relationship should make you feel. Whatever the rights and wrongs of this particular exchange (and frankly asking for a quick kiss hardly seems demanding to me), if you’re walking on eggshells then your relationship has become toxic and you’re better off out of it.

Bin him, he's a game player who enjoys fucking you up mentally.

OP makes it clear this is not just about the kissing. He changes the boundaries constantly leaving her bewildered. Not explaIn his reasoning, watches her get distressed, call her pathetic and then blocks her. Adds her again and has accused her of emotionally abusing him etc

@Cornflakegirll why does someone need to kiss or hold hands if they don’t want to?

It shouldn’t matter if they’ve done it a million times before and there’s no need for an explanation.

As MNers always say - no is a full sentence.

Why are we spreading the message that it’s not ok to say no when you’ve done something before.

Do we not all have days where we just don’t feel comfortable with certain things even though we’ve done them before?

OP has said she started crying because he wouldn’t kiss her - that is in anyones book very pathetic and I do not believe OP would be getting the same responses if she’d said her DP was the one to cry because she wouldn’t kiss him.

This ^

And why did you send him apology texts? He should be apologising to you! You've done nothing wrong and it's totally understandable that you were upset. He's been despicable towards you, suddenly turning cold and formal. What a bastard.
Please do as previous posters have said: end the relationship. He's trying to destroy you and to control you. You deserve so much better.

He needs to duck off out of your
Life

@SunnyD44 you know there’s a bigger picture here you’re just determined to keep reiterating your point which I (and many others) don’t agree with.

He’s a bloody 50 year old man, not a teenager grasping the complexities of relationships. He can use his bloody words to express himself and help a person he supposedly cares about understand his sudden rule changing. He chooses not to, and stays with her watching her beg for forgiveness. This is abusive behaviour, not asking for a peck on the lips!

Oh dear, OP. Sounds absolutely rotten. I'm sorry you have been left feeling like this after what should have been a lovely holiday. It does sound as if it ought to be the end of the road.

Probably the best thing now would be a bit of quiet time - ie not responding to any of his messages etc. You can block if you want to but maybe you want to leave it until you have 'officially' broken up to do that, especially if you are going to run into each other at work. When you feel ready, all you need to tell him - and anyone else who asks - is that the relationship, overall, was making you feel miserable and insecure, and that you deserve better. It doesn't have to be so hard. Being single is actually nicer than all of this.

@SunnyD44 well if you are right and the Op is indeed an evil abuser and a sex pest, then the best thing she can do is end it now, for both their sakes.

Fortunately that’s exactly what everyone else is recommending that she do.

Oh come on. Just dump him. You don't even need to have a conversation or text exchange. There's no need for this shit. Enjoy life.

Yeah, this is emotional abuse. He's enjoying the control he has over you. Nasty fucker.

He’s a bloody 50 year old man, not a teenager grasping the complexities of relationships.

And she’s 40!

Why is she getting drunk and acting like a child by crying and storming off because he wouldn’t kiss her.

Why is him saying “no sorry I really don’t want to.” not a good enough answer.

If my partner acted like she did especially in public, I’d be mortified and there’s nothing I’d want to do less than kiss him.

Absolutely, looks like we’re all on the same page for what should happen here!

He will suddenly act like I am crossing a boundary and become formal with me , almost like he wants to see my reaction.

He's a professional headfucker all right OP.
Please don't allow yourself to kneejerk into the usual dynamic you have described - the one where he deliberately & coldly sets you up to 'fail', then has you crawling back full of shame & remorse.

This is a nasty, nasty man.
He waited until the end of your holiday to manipulate you into a totally unnecessary scene, so that he can revel in your discomfort.

I have an ex who used to do similar.
It is exhausting & confusing & very hard to see while you are in the midst of that emotional turmoil that they create. But once you have seen it ... & you have seen it, you described the dynamic very accurately in your first post - you will not be able to 'unsee' it.

You need to dump him & BLOCK.
It doesn't matter what he thinks about that or how he chooses to portray you. He's already set you up for being "the emotionally unstable one" & you know damn well that you are NOT - you are a normal human having a normal human reaction to cruel & abusive behaviour.
I'll bet this horrible man has a string of "crazy exes" - yes?

You asked why does he do it?
Have you heard of "Why Does He Do That" - pretty much the go-to resource round here? - invest in your own copy & start to understand, so that you can disentangle yourself completely from this nightmare of a relationship & all the emotional fallout h=it has caused you.
www.amazon.co.uk/Why-Does-He-That-Controlling-ebook/dp/B000Q9J0RO

Then sign up for The Freedom Programme - you can do it online.
Here you will learn that you are not alone, that it's not your fault, than anybody can get sucked into an abusive relation ship. You will learn how to spot red flags & avoid abusers & unreasonable people.
www.freedomprogramme.co.uk/online.php

Above all - take some deliberate time out from romantic relationships. A year would be good.
You need time to build yourself back up, rediscover your boundaries, & be kind to yourself. You will not heal until this awful man is cut out of your life - & when he is, you will realise how much weight & dread you have been carrying for so long.

Also - well done for spotting the "trauma bond". You CAN let go of this man,. he is poison to you. Keep posting - you are not alone

Seriously, your lover should not be making you feel shamed or humiliated. That is not loving behaviour and it really isn't good for you. Channel your inner Eleanor Roosevelt and refuse to be shamed.

Professional counseling. Why are you wasting your one precious life on this freak? Let alone begging him for attention.

He sounds just like my ex, he's a dick and you should get rid. I always felt like he thought he was a catch, everything was on his terms, he'd go off for days and sulk and I'd be begging forgiveness. It won't change and it's exhausting treading on eggshells, you deserve so much more.

It doesn’t matter why he is like this.
You need to find inner strength and go.
You are only 40. No need to be with a man who sulks, plays power games and makes it all your fault.

Cracking victim-blaming there, well done @CatherinedeBourgh. Did you even bother reading the OP?

The man does this type of stuff all the time.
It's not about a one-off scenario where OP wanted to kiss him & he did not - it's a constant dynamic within a twisted & abusive relationship.

Hi OP. I had one of these men and was with him for years. He nearly destroyed me. It is great that you are seeing there is something wrong and that it's not you. I wish I had the power of mn years ago so that someone could have made me see sense and that I was being abused. Please get out now. Please. It will not end well for you. I wish you all the best. x

I think you’re missing the point.

The kiss is simply an example of his controlling behaviour. Surely you must be able to see there’s a pattern of behaviour with this cruel and sadistic man?

Agreed @FTstepmum & I imagine every single PP apart from the other obvious victim-blamer also agrees. I've reported that post as a personal attack, it is genuinely shocking.

OP - sometimes people are so ignorant of the dynamics of domestic abuse that they are unable to perceive that it's not about one incident, it's about the PATTERN OF ABUSE. Your pattern is so glaringly obvious I'm amazed that 2 PP are unable to fathom it - but please scroll on past their negative posts, & focus on some of the amazing responses you have had here.