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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

I want to leave him but with a great parting shot!

131 replies

anewlifeforme22 · 27/08/2022 19:38

Hi, first time poster so please bear with me.
Long story short, my DH had an affair starting 3 yrs ago, said the usual when I found out, promised no contact, blah blah, I gave him another chance. Then I found out he was contacting her again, so stupidly I gave him yet another chance but made it very clear what it would do to me and I'd leave him. I even gave him an out and said if he can't stay away then leave me now and I'll let them get on with it because I couldn't bear being lied to again.

Anyway, a year later, guess what, they are in contact, and doing god knows what else. Well I know what else, without going into detail, he's left obvious signs!! He obviously doesn't love me, I have to accept that, so I'm biding my time and will confront him soon. I'm devastated, we've been together since teenagers and we're now in our 40s. I know he is to blame much more than the little tart, after all, he is the one who is married, and although I have intense feelings of hate towards her, I'm not even going to acknowledge her. This is on him

So, I keep flitting between being devastated and being soooo angry at the way he's treating me, like I'm nothing. When I confront him, I want to leave him with a damn good parting shot that will make him really think. It might sound stupid, but it'll make me feel better. Any ideas? I want to make him feel stupid and ashamed of his actions, and I always think of what to say when it's too late!!

So, ladies (and any decent gents) hit me with your best please x

OP posts:

millymollymoomoo · 30/08/2022 08:03

Think carefully on what you want and how you see this playing out
you might not get to keep the house
he also doesn’t have to leave

no idea of your finances/assets but think long term and play long game rather than all the nonsense on here about revenge/ crimibdd as l damage/ etc

the best thing you Dan do is simply say you can’t do it anymore, they you know he’s still seeing her and you’re not prepared to put up with it anymore

endofthelinefinally · 30/08/2022 12:53

Feature1234 · 27/08/2022 23:29

i left a verbally abusive marriage so our young child did not see his dad screaming at me and shouting over trivial matters. I was constantly called stupid amongst other things, and often asked ‘what’s wrong with you?’ He called me delusional and really hated me. We slept in separate rooms and he showed no affection in the marriage.

we had a comfortable life but I was worried our child would see his dad calling me names so I left.
A few years later and I am still struggling, to come to terms with the separation because it is upsetting living as a single parent and seeing impact this has had on our child. His dad has thrived since we separated and has made friends at school and has a supportive family and network of friends. I however have no family and ‘real’ friends. The school mums think I am crazy (for leaving my marriage) and I am now an outsider to them. I am struggling with moving on and coming to terms with the marriage breakdown and the impact it’s had. Things have gone from bad to worse and despite having counselling I feel I am stuck and have ruined the one chance I had to be full time mum and part of a little family unit. I also think I have ruined my child’s life as he does not know what it’s like to have mum and dad around as a family.
I miss my child so much when he’s with dad and can’t wait to see him. But he feels differently and says he’d rather be with his dad!
my heart is broken and continues to break…any advice from anyone on how to cope with being a single parent and the rollercoaster that is shared parenting?

I think your question will get lost here. You could start a new thread for support and advice.

maranella · 30/08/2022 14:58

OP right now the best thing you can do if just keep hydrated, eat regular meals (even when you don't want to), be as normal as you can with your kids and make an appointment with a solicitor. Before you go and see the solicitor, gather together all the info you can about your financial situation, who owns what, who's name is on what, etc.

But ultimately, I would forget anything about revenge. In the end, you want to be able to hold your head high and walk away with your dignity intact. So bear that in mind with everything you do. You don't want to look back 5 or 10 years from now and think 'I was acting like a deranged harpy'. You really don't. And please, tell some people IRL what's going on. You need in-person support, people in your corner, people who you can call when it's all getting too much. MN will be your cheerleaders, but we're a bunch of strangers who you wouldn't know if you passed us in the street. So get some RL support

Original poster

anewlifeforme22 · 01/09/2022 17:44

Hi all, thanks for all the posts, I've decided I'm going to bide my time, get my ducks in a row as it were, then tell him I want to separate. I will walk away with my head held high, no arguing, knowing I did everything I could to try and save my marriage. And the joke is on him really, because knowing him as well as I do, I already know she isn't his type and in the real world their 'relationship' won't last. He's going to end up with no one ultimately and he's got no one to blame but himself. Perhaps that is the perfect revenge!!!

OP posts:

MineIsBetterThanYours · 01/09/2022 18:55

You will do just fine.
carry on and as you say, he will be the one who will end up alone. He closed to ask the risk of loosing everything he had. His choice 🤷‍♀️🤷‍♀️

Original poster

anewlifeforme22 · 01/09/2022 20:26

Exactly @MineIsBetterThanYours I gave him more chances than I ever thought I would, I trusted him again when he didn't really deserve my trust and I believed him. But everyone has a lightbulb moment when they know they wouldn't be treated like this if they were truly loved and I'm fully switched on now so to speak 🤣

OP posts:

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