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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I want to leave him but with a great parting shot!

131 replies

anewlifeforme22 · 27/08/2022 19:38

Hi, first time poster so please bear with me.
Long story short, my DH had an affair starting 3 yrs ago, said the usual when I found out, promised no contact, blah blah, I gave him another chance. Then I found out he was contacting her again, so stupidly I gave him yet another chance but made it very clear what it would do to me and I'd leave him. I even gave him an out and said if he can't stay away then leave me now and I'll let them get on with it because I couldn't bear being lied to again.

Anyway, a year later, guess what, they are in contact, and doing god knows what else. Well I know what else, without going into detail, he's left obvious signs!! He obviously doesn't love me, I have to accept that, so I'm biding my time and will confront him soon. I'm devastated, we've been together since teenagers and we're now in our 40s. I know he is to blame much more than the little tart, after all, he is the one who is married, and although I have intense feelings of hate towards her, I'm not even going to acknowledge her. This is on him

So, I keep flitting between being devastated and being soooo angry at the way he's treating me, like I'm nothing. When I confront him, I want to leave him with a damn good parting shot that will make him really think. It might sound stupid, but it'll make me feel better. Any ideas? I want to make him feel stupid and ashamed of his actions, and I always think of what to say when it's too late!!

So, ladies (and any decent gents) hit me with your best please x

OP posts:
Namenic · 28/08/2022 04:59

Confront him over text about suspect things… with someone with a different name to his affair partner. Like to introduce doubt into their relationship - if he cheats on you, what makes her think he will be faithful to her?

NanaNelly · 28/08/2022 05:04

Creepymanonagoatfarm · 27/08/2022 21:43

When I moved out of the marital home I emptied a vast selection of red wine bottles and replaced with Ribena.. Was quite satisfying..

How did you get the corks back in the bottles so he wouldn’t notice?

Andromachehadabadday · 28/08/2022 05:12

To be fair you can get the equipment to cork wine bottles quite cheaply and easily and the seals. My dad makes his own wine and has them. The plastic seal that goes over the neck and cork just needs steam to shrink wrap itself.

Op the best revenge is to get everything in order serve divorce papers and act like you couldn’t care less.

I would be tempted to get him to insult her through text to you and send her the screen shots as soon as he leaves. But, I think acting like you have no feelings and having everything ready for a divorce will be better. It lets him know you have known for a while, but spent the time getting yourself in a good position and that you didn’t even try to win him back, will bother him more.

Gossipxox · 28/08/2022 05:19

Agree with the majority of people on this post you need to divorce him.. and get a shit load of glitter and cover everything he owns with it!! If your leaving the house just glitter everywhere kettle, toaster, bath just everywhere and a big fat fuck you note!

moneynotsofunny · 28/08/2022 06:04

5128gap · 27/08/2022 20:21

My friends was:
'Well that was disappointing. But I suppose at least I had the best of you when you were young and fit. I won't begrudge some unfortunate other woman the dregs of what's left.'

that's pretty good!

GreyCarpet · 28/08/2022 06:11

I told ex husband I was just disappointed that he'd been so pedestrian.

He always had a view of himself as being just that little bit better than other people; that little bit more interesting; that little bit more 'out of left field'. Being called pedestrian for having an affair with a woman at work cut him deep 😉

I didn't know about the affair immediately. I kicked him out for something else that made me suspicious that he'd been intending to be unfaithful - which, of course, he denied.

ReneBumsWombats · 28/08/2022 07:12

Just don't. No response is a response, and it's a powerful one.

JimJamJollyWolly · 28/08/2022 07:16

I don't know if there IS some great parting shot that will make him think. He is very much in his own head, focused on meeting his own needs. You are making the mistake of thinking he is like you, when he has shown that he is very different, and has given so little respect to you. I'm sorry.

For something that will maybe make him look back and wonder, the one thing someone said to me that hurt more than anything else was "I just don't feel anything for you anymore", that nothingness, no anger, or frustration, or sadness was difficult to hear. Emotion you can work with (or against), you know there is something there, but the nothingness... is absolute.

So I would work on making that true.

Wibbly1008 · 28/08/2022 07:24

his new relationship with other woman will last five minutes when you are gone. It’s the game he finds exciting, not her or he would have left you before to be with her. Leave with dignity and without a word, and when he tries to come back to you in six months just say no and let him live like a sad old hermit.

PermanentTemporary · 28/08/2022 07:26

Be one step ahead, be independent. Get the information you need, get legal advice, make a plan and then tell him the marriage is over. Coming out with some line just tells him that you still think about him and he's important.

Goosygandy · 28/08/2022 07:26

JimJamJollyWolly · 28/08/2022 07:16

I don't know if there IS some great parting shot that will make him think. He is very much in his own head, focused on meeting his own needs. You are making the mistake of thinking he is like you, when he has shown that he is very different, and has given so little respect to you. I'm sorry.

For something that will maybe make him look back and wonder, the one thing someone said to me that hurt more than anything else was "I just don't feel anything for you anymore", that nothingness, no anger, or frustration, or sadness was difficult to hear. Emotion you can work with (or against), you know there is something there, but the nothingness... is absolute.

So I would work on making that true.

That's so true. He wants you to be thinking about him. He wants two women to be preoccupied with him. One isn't enough for his massive ego.

He'd love the idea that you were still pining for him. Or if you met someone he could frame it as a rebound job. But indifference is difficult to reframe.

Rainbowqueeen · 28/08/2022 07:27

Get your ducks in a row. Make the divorce as easy and painless on yourself as possible.

When you are finding a solicitor visit all the ones locally that give a free initial consult. Then he won’t be able to use them.

Focus on the great bits about being single. You don’t need to talk to him about them but if he sees you looking happy and confident it will drive him nuts. Then go out and live your life

Regularsizedrudy · 28/08/2022 07:29

I don’t think a cutting quip is going to do much emotional damage to a man who cheated on you three times tbh

imagiantwitch · 28/08/2022 07:30

I'd take great delight in telling him I'm looking forward to not having to fake it anymore, and getting fucked by a real man with a bigger penis who actually know what he's doing

BitOutOfPractice · 28/08/2022 07:31

Nothing will hurt or upset him more than you not caring any more. So silence is always the most effective.

IDontDrinkTea · 28/08/2022 07:32

Don’t tell him you know he’s cheating on you. Just say you’re leaving as you don’t love him any more. Say it all without tears. Enjoy your new life and don’t look back

Sunflowergirl1 · 28/08/2022 07:35

stillvicarinatutu · 27/08/2022 19:51

Say nothing and serve him with divorce papers for adultery along with whatever evidence you have .

There are no longer grounds for divorce such as adultery.

blisstwins · 28/08/2022 07:38

I would just tell him he is a cliche and give him the divorce papers. The less said the better, but calling him a cliche is good. Sounds like that is what he is.

OnlyFoolsnMothers · 28/08/2022 07:41

Serve him with a papers at a social gathering, whilst simultaneously having the locks changed on the house and his stuff being packed up.

ivykaty44 · 28/08/2022 07:42

I’d organise a cake smash for him

in the garden at home

shove it in his face and then just say…,

you have thought for far to long you can have your cake and it it - but that’s ending now

queenMab99 · 28/08/2022 08:23

I know the feeling, I was in the same situation, however, I found that splitting up was enough, it was a shock to him because after so many chances he thought I wouldn't ever really do it. I divorced him on the grounds of adultery and named her, which meant she also got a letter.
30 years later, I have never regretted divorcing him, and I realise I was mistaken about the kind of person he really was, I felt that he had changed dramatically, and became a selfish liar, but he was always a selfish liar, I just didn't see it. When I was what he wanted, he didn't lie or be selfish towards me. There were clues, but love is blind and I either didn't see, or dismissed them.
Good luck in your new life, I had 20 happy years with someone else, until he died 7 years ago. Just do what makes you happy.

ReneBumsWombats · 28/08/2022 09:02

I divorced him on the grounds of adultery and named her, which meant she also got a letter.

A letter? From whom? Saying what? Your marriage and divorce was between the two of you. What was she required to do?

J0y · 28/08/2022 09:04

Say you're not attracted to him any more.

J0y · 28/08/2022 09:06

GreyCarpet · 28/08/2022 06:11

I told ex husband I was just disappointed that he'd been so pedestrian.

He always had a view of himself as being just that little bit better than other people; that little bit more interesting; that little bit more 'out of left field'. Being called pedestrian for having an affair with a woman at work cut him deep 😉

I didn't know about the affair immediately. I kicked him out for something else that made me suspicious that he'd been intending to be unfaithful - which, of course, he denied.

ha! now that is good.

RedRec · 28/08/2022 09:11

Ignore him totally. And live a good life.