I want to leave him but with a great parting shot!

[anewlifeforme22]

Hi, first time poster so please bear with me.
Long story short, my DH had an affair starting 3 yrs ago, said the usual when I found out, promised no contact, blah blah, I gave him another chance. Then I found out he was contacting her again, so stupidly I gave him yet another chance but made it very clear what it would do to me and I'd leave him. I even gave him an out and said if he can't stay away then leave me now and I'll let them get on with it because I couldn't bear being lied to again.

Anyway, a year later, guess what, they are in contact, and doing god knows what else. Well I know what else, without going into detail, he's left obvious signs!! He obviously doesn't love me, I have to accept that, so I'm biding my time and will confront him soon. I'm devastated, we've been together since teenagers and we're now in our 40s. I know he is to blame much more than the little tart, after all, he is the one who is married, and although I have intense feelings of hate towards her, I'm not even going to acknowledge her. This is on him

So, I keep flitting between being devastated and being soooo angry at the way he's treating me, like I'm nothing. When I confront him, I want to leave him with a damn good parting shot that will make him really think. It might sound stupid, but it'll make me feel better. Any ideas? I want to make him feel stupid and ashamed of his actions, and I always think of what to say when it's too late!!

So, ladies (and any decent gents) hit me with your best please x

@CornishTiger well as it happens he's probably forgotten he whatsapped me saying he knows what a slut she is, etc etc, which I still happen to have. Along with a few compromising photos he was stupid enough have taken!

I could have written this. Ex-P cheating despite me giving him an out several months earlier. I knew he continued, I just carried on like I didn't know while I got finances in order. Worked on my self-esteem and got all my tears out, as didn't want him to see me cry. Then one day just told him I knew and was done. House on the market the following day. I moved on with my life and met someone new. Several months later ex-p tries to contact me saying he made the biggest mistake of his life and wants me to take him back! He couldn't bear to see me happy with someone who treats me the way I deserved!

If you have any naked pictures of him or her then do not for even a second think of sending those pictures to them or to anyone else. It's illegal and could land you with a criminal record which is the last thing you need at the moment.

As shit as it is, please try to focus on what many have said. The opposite of love isn't hate, it's utter indifference.

Living well is the ultimate revenge.

@WhiskeyInTheJar33 I'm glad you're through it, there is light at the end of the tunnel then!! Thing is, I know he knows there's something bothering me, but he's not asking what's wrong. Maybe he's worried what I'll say. I'm trying so hard to not let my younger two see that I'm broken, the last thing they need is a messed up mum, but I feel overwhelmed at the moment. How did you cope emotionally in the time before you left him?

@wellhelloitsme I wouldn't dream of doing that, I've had them a long time and only really kept them in case he lied.

@anewlifeforme22 it was tough. Took me six months to get things sorted and act one "normal" in this time was hard. Emotionally I had distanced myself from the relationship. I had a very good friend that I would talk my feelings through when I was feeling low but had to keep reminding myself of why I was doing what I was doing. My Friend was the only person who knew too. I told my parents a few days beforehand as I knew they would be upset (I didn't tell them the full story though) and knew if I could get through telling them (without crying), I could finally go through with it.

I have given this some thought and I would consider the following:

"I'm so sorry dh, you have tried so hard to please me but you are just not enough and I am moving on. You are still the same person I met all those years ago, but the aging process hasn't been kind and I need more. I wish you all the best and have packed all your things ready for you."

While I was packing I would employ an old style hole punch to press just put a few small holes in all of his clothes. I would fray the edges a little and make it look similar to moth holes. Keep the holes as small as possible, especially on jumpers.

He will remember you every time he notices a new little hole but never be sure whether it was you are moths.

I also so dress making and I would alter the seams very slightly on his waistbands and up his crotch.

He will think he's putting in weight. In fact I might prefer that to the holes...

Or easier than either of those is to buy a quick uppick and break every other stitch holding the crotch part of his trousers together.

It may not happen for a while but at some point he will experience a wardrobe catastrophe. Work trousers are an excellent start for this.

The ''I just don't feel anything for you anymore'' line, delivered in a monotone.

There are a lot of suggestions on here that will make you look mad, and in pain. Not the intention at all.

Since you have children together I think that it would be best to stay away from any drama. Tell him your done and give him the divorce papers. Keep it as short and simple as you can for your children.

Can I just say that the saying " the best revenge is a life well lived" is true? A year after exDH and I broke up he was living with the OW and their baby in my former do'er upper home when he heard that I was dating someone. It really shook him that I was really gone. He spent a whole evening crying on a mutual friends shoulder about that. I ended up marrying a high earner and we live in a detached house in a naice neighbourhood. I've heard from mutual friends that that really bothers him that we're richer than they are. My life IS better than theirs and better than we used to have. I'm much happier than they are.

stayinghometoday My story is similar to yours!

anewlifeforme

Whilst it’s not easy to split after a ltr, trust me, as others have said you will see your day

I was in a similar position to you. OW worked for my exH. She came to my house to reccie both me and the house, on the pretext of needing a (complementary therapy) treatment, which exH had persuaded me to give her. A really nasty and brass neck thing for both of them to do I’m sure you will agree.

Anyways they did end up marrying.
I didn’t speak one single word to him from the day I found out what he’d been doing. HIS friends told me about her, because they knew I was going to get screwed financially & they didn’t want to see it. But he was dead to me when I realised what he’d done. It felt good to completely ignore him - obviously when he realised he was going to get no response from me, that’s when desperately tried to speak to me.

After a few years of marriage she did a similar thing to him, but made him look a complete fool by being very public about it (left him for z-list celebrity, sadly Mr Z list split up his family & left his 2children to be with her).
My ex had tabloids door-stepping him, etc, which he would not have enjoyed.

Relevant thing is, I live well (very good lifestyle) and am married to my best friend of many decades. Little Miss Femme Fatale got her most recent husband to do a sponsored photoshoot getting his hair thatched. I mean I knew she was tacky but there’s tacky & complete loss of dignity.
Oh how we laughed at the photos though.

Sometimes you just have to sit it out anewlifeforme.

Come back and tell us what your Thatch moment is.

In your shoes, i'd just get all my ducks in a row, speak to a solicitor and kick off the divorce, When I knew he was going out to meet her, I'd turn up, in front of her, hand him a bag, tell her she's welcome to him and hand him the divorce papers. That way if he comes back the ow will know he's gone to try and get back with you, he's also left with the knowledge you're serious and you then don't engage with him and tell him to speak to your solicitor

3 years is a long time for you to have held all this inside. I recommend counselling if you can do it. Relate are really good at helping you work out what you want to do next, it's not just for couples and they will help you work through your feelings.

It's a shame it's affected your daughter already and a sign that you're absolutely doing the right thing to draw a line under it now.

You've tried really hard for 3 years and you can't give up any more of your life hoping he'll somehow turn back into the decent man you thought you'd married.

It will honestly get better. This is the toughest bit, just keep looking forward to the future when this is all behind you and you don't have the stress of living with him and wondering what's he's up to. You won't realise how much strain it's put on you until it's gone.

As a pp said, any revenge scenarios are like wearing a sandwich board advertising your hurt. Give him no emotion, let him see his behavior has killed any affection you had for him and that he's not even worthy of your thoughts.

Another thing - don't use adultery and name her in the divorce. Think she gets to see paperwork and it can be contested. Let your solicitor guide you on the lowest conflict way of moving forward, as that should make the process quicker and means you can move on.

My ex didn’t cheat (I don’t think) but it was an awkward split. My finest moment yet was when he dramatically announced he was seeing someone and I shrugged, said I’d guessed and made it clear I only cared about the impact on DC. Took the wind out of his sails that I was so nonchalant about it!

I definitely think cutting lines and dramatic take downs work better in movies. I would probably do little petty things like clean the loo with his toothbrush and make tiny holes in his clothes. Hard to pin on you but will make you feel better! But honestly, not caring is the biggest punishment a man like him can get.

Didnt someone replace their H's Y-fronts with smaller & smaller sizes..
He thought he was putting on weight.
Amused Me !

Waste of money!
I would definitely go for the calm lifeless confession of "I just don't feel anything for you anymore, sorry".

Don't even mention that you know he's still seeing the OW

Leaving him is the best thing.
You want him to 'think'.
He fucked around on you, you caught him. That didn't make him "think". You forgave him.

He fucked around on you again, you caught him again. That didn't make him "think". You forgave him. Again.

He doesn't feel ashamed. He may feel sorry each time he gets caught but now he probably just expects you'll forgive him again.

Leaving him and staying gone is the best option for you.

And yes I agree that living my best life is the way to go but I just wanted to leave him with something to think about.

What about marital assets, house, pensions, cars etc?

You best parting shot is going for full RP, taking as much of the asset as your lawyer can manage, & living your best life, comfortably, while he is - as you have remarked - financially worse off after the divorce.

I promise you, he will have plenty to think on about that.
You being carefree, loving your new life, happy with the kids & without him.
The best revenge is living well.

Anyway, I'll be staying in the house, he'll be going.
ha, that's the ticket OP.
Better than any parting shot anyone could come up with.
Pay for an excellent lawyer though, & follow PP's "ducks in a row" advise about documenting all the assets etc.

He didn't notice they had that "new" feel, unlike the stuff that's been washed a zillion times? Didn't notice his outerwear all still fitted fine?

That's one of those stories that sounds good on the Internet.

Have sex with his best friend/his boss/his brother/at least one of his parents

Thank you all for your posts, I know what the best thing to do is, just not quite sure when I'm going to get the ball rolling yet

But tonight, I'm feeling so overwhelmed and alone. Knowing he doesn't love me anymore is soul destroying. No one knows about all this, I've kept up appearances for 3 yrs and it's exhausting. I need a bit of a hand hold/pep talk to keep me going, if anyone wants to help xx thanks