I want to leave him but with a great parting shot!

[anewlifeforme22]

Hi, first time poster so please bear with me.
Long story short, my DH had an affair starting 3 yrs ago, said the usual when I found out, promised no contact, blah blah, I gave him another chance. Then I found out he was contacting her again, so stupidly I gave him yet another chance but made it very clear what it would do to me and I'd leave him. I even gave him an out and said if he can't stay away then leave me now and I'll let them get on with it because I couldn't bear being lied to again.

Anyway, a year later, guess what, they are in contact, and doing god knows what else. Well I know what else, without going into detail, he's left obvious signs!! He obviously doesn't love me, I have to accept that, so I'm biding my time and will confront him soon. I'm devastated, we've been together since teenagers and we're now in our 40s. I know he is to blame much more than the little tart, after all, he is the one who is married, and although I have intense feelings of hate towards her, I'm not even going to acknowledge her. This is on him

So, I keep flitting between being devastated and being soooo angry at the way he's treating me, like I'm nothing. When I confront him, I want to leave him with a damn good parting shot that will make him really think. It might sound stupid, but it'll make me feel better. Any ideas? I want to make him feel stupid and ashamed of his actions, and I always think of what to say when it's too late!!

So, ladies (and any decent gents) hit me with your best please x

It works? At making you look slightly unhinged and playing straight into the ‘crazy ex’ narrative perhaps, but certainly not at demonstrating you have moved on and don’t care.

I would just go and see a solicitor and get the ball rolling with your divorce, then serve him with the papers when he's least expecting it. Seriously, don't play games, just get your ducks in a row and crack on with getting him out of your life. He's a cheating loser and this woman is welcome to him.

@anewlifeforme22 get everything in order for the divorce. Be ready.

when you say he talks about her negatively I’d engineer a recording of that. Voice recorder on your phone. Send it after you’ve done the I’m done chat and ask her if she wants to be the consolation prize.

Yes I’m a bitch in thinking that but sometimes you have to show your teeth. Do it once only and then use your energy more constructively.

Pack his bags and leave anchovies in all the pockets

Do you know where his tart lives, OP?

If it were me, I'd get all the ducks in the row, very organised, then when he's not about, pack and send a small suitcase of his belongings to the OW.

I'd then arrange a lovely meal out, for two, make sure I look the bomb. Then hand him the divorce papers over dinner, along with a little card "good luck with your move!" and a line in the card to the effect of 'have forwarded a suitcase of clothes to address they will be with you in the next day or two'. Then get up and leave, leaving the bastard sitting there, stunned.

You won't be able to stop him coming back to the marital home at this stage of course, and he may well do so, tail between his legs and pleading with you to 'talk', we know what they're like. Just roll your eyes at him if he does that.

All this is assuming you have no need to worry about your safety of course (it doesn't sound like you do).

They're just beyond, aren't they.

Of course, PP are on the money when they say that living well is the best form of revenge, or words to that effect, but I really don't blame you for wanting a bit of a parting punch (in the metaphorical sense!).

Good luck, and hope you have some good memories IRL friends around you for support 💐

Your best 'parting shot' is to be totally disengaged and uninterested him. He is irrelevant to you. Fake it if you need to. Very soon it will be real. And he will hate it. Hah!

Absolutely all the stuff everyone else has said about getting yourself in the optimal financial and legal situation.

But can you stick around just to engineer him into a bad situation first? Like if he's got a car he loves, damage it so he has to pay loads for getting it fixed and of course you're the loving wife so it couldn't be you. Can you persuade him to upgrade his car or bike or whatever so he gets into loads of debt before you swan off into the sunset. Spend all his money on beauty treatments and clothes and bags with his consent before you go. Spread seeds of doubt about his friends and career 'hmmm they're just not acting like they value you too much are they, I've been thinking that for a while now' or 'what's wrong with Steve he looked like everything you said was really annoying tonight'.

Then when you leave let him think you absolutely don't care and it's not even a big deal to you anymore 'hahaha oh darling I just realised how bored I was and decided it's about time I left you two to get on with it'..

Sorry, not sure where the word memories came from from, the last line was meant to say "hope you have some good IRL friends around you for support"

The best revenge really is a life best lived. Don't add drama and feed his ego that he has 2 women fighting for him. Grey rock him unless it is about sorting the divorce and children.

I know it's hard and you want closure (and some revenge). But you don't want to be the person that people can point to for creating tension. It helps if you have friends you can rant and rave and badmouth him to - get it off your chest (as many times as you need to) so that you can just be very matter of fact with him about separating and divorce. Let him wonder why and how you don't love him any more, give him nothing to feed his ego.

He sounds utterly vile. This happened to me, I was not in a good place at all after being cheated on but just focused on being happy and it has been many many years now and you'll end up so much more comfortable in yourself. The happiness you're left with is the best parting shot even if it doesn't feel like it now. Focus on being happier everyday:) best of luck to you, sounds like you've handled this really well so far and it's something nobody should ever go through x

The creative writing some do on these threads is cringeworthy. The suggestions belong in Take A Break or other such trashy magazines.

Nah - all these complicated scenarios just say 'I'm really hurt and I still care'. The opposite of love is indifference. Just be done with him, once and for all. I wouldn't be damaging his car or any such shit - that could really backfire on you - and besides you have three kids so you're going to have to deal with and see him in future, whether you like it or not.

Despite his repeated cheating it doesn't seem like he actually wants to leave and be with this OW, but fuck him. Who cares what he wants? You're done with him. So move on. You've forgiven him multiple times and taken him back, so he won't be expecting you to just end things.

@anewlifeforme22 i wouldn’t even bother dreaming something up. Don’t waste your time or energy, he’s not even worth that. Just leave and don’t look back.

I would just say something along the lines of 'I can live my life at peace knowing I did everything I possibly could to make this work, it's your loss.' But also, you need to believe this yourself. There's nothing more you could have done. You are more than this and I'm sorry he has treated you this way. Good luck in your next chapter, everything works out the way it's meant to, better things are coming. She will never know a moments peace knowing that he's a cheater, a relationship that's born from someone else's pain is never on the right path from the beginning x

Yes. First two sentences nail it.

If he doesn't love you, he really isn't going to care about anything you say. If he does, losing you is all that's required.

Have you ever been in a situation where you really wanted a reaction out of someone and they just gave you radio silence? Don't underestimate it.

I think the anser is right at the start if this thread. Serve him divorce papers. Don't engage and if he asks why, just tell him he knows very well why.

The one thing you need to do before that is to protect yourself.
What's your financial position just now?
Will you be able to stay in the house, at least until your youngest has left school?
Do you work, work full time, part time?

I would start by 'putting my duck in a row' as MN says. Protect your financial future. One poster mentioned how he is struggling to move on as a single parent when her ex is having the time of his life. Not unusual when the woman is left struggling with little income whilst the father can carry on with his life with even less responsibility.
So plan ahead. Look at how you will fare financially and what you can do to be in the best position possible. Get some advice from a sollicitor so you keep the house and he leaves (not the other way around).

and THEN SERVE HIM THE DIVORCE PAPERS.

No discussion, no warning. And disengage fully.

Why not just wear a sandwich board saying "I am hurting so much it's made me temporarily insane enough to do things that you'll be dining out on the rest of your life"? It'll have exactly the same effect and it's a lot less effort.

Still, at least you're not suggesting criminal damage, I guess.

All these elaborate scenarios are set up to try to make it look like you're completely over it and don't give a fuck, but actually make it plain as day that you're not. If you were really over it and not giving a fuck, you'd just treat him like the irrelevance he is.

Someone like him is never going to see any parting shot as being anything worth considering.

Just get him to leave, and as your kids are teens, leave any contact between them and their dad, you don't need to be involved.

I simply told my kids I didn't want them talking to him about me, and also didn't want them talking to me about him.

I've never looked back, he's since died and I don't have to worry about him trying to get me back ever again. Even the nightmares have stopped.

I also meant to add that until you divorce him, he's going to carry on his affair. Because you haven't given him any consequences so far, he's ignoring what are, to him, empty threats.

Just serve divorce papers naming the women. Then completely stop talking to him. Set up on email address that he can contact you on, then you have everything in writing.

I went through an angry phase, which my ex ate up. He loved the drama, and he fed it right into the family court, so it didn't do me any favours.

Once I figured out that my silence was better for my well being, I grey rocked the hell out of him. He still tries to get reactions out of me, but he never gets it.

The icing on the cake is how irritated he is now that I'm in a relationship with another woman, have an amazing career, and obviously don't give a shit about what he does or says. If we didn't have children together, I wouldn't even be thinking about him now, but unfortunately I have to interact with him occasionally. My dc mention his interest in my life from time to time, they innocently discuss their life at home, and he somehow still thinks he should be a central focus, and it obviously bothers him how inconsequential he actually is.

This is what "winning" looks like.

Thank you all for your responses, I didn't expect so many!

@TeaThings I know your right, I just need to get on without drama, it's the right thing to do. And once we've sorted all the necessary I will have no contact as the children are old enough to sort it with him themselves. It's the only way I could cope is to not see him.

I've been believing his lies for 3 yrs and it's drained me completely, I'm not the person I was. And I've told no one, I feel so humiliated, so have been dealing with it by myself. Not good for mental health!

Anyway, I'll be staying in the house, he'll be going.

Just to note, OP, there's no loss of dignity in secretly buying a voodoo doll or writing a story in which he gets a Ralgex enema.

The final shot for me would be, "I'm done.", there's really not much more that needs saying. with indifference, disappointment, distaste.
My "revenge" came a while later, when the children got over the shock, hurt & treachery. They hardly bother to see him, whereas, they are still by my side...

@cooldarkroom the saddest thing is my eldest (19) knows what has gone on, she worked it out for herself, and even admitted to me what they did is 70% of the reason she moved out. As much as I hate what he has done, I pity him that it's affected his relationship with his daughter. I know he sees it as cheating on me, not the whole family, but I guess you reap what you sow.