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Original poster

Anyone else feel like marriage is one long compromise?

129 replies

RelaxHaveADrinkWithMe · 27/08/2022 14:40

I do have a lovely DH - he is kind and funny and handsome, clever and works hard. He has a close and loving relationship with the kids and is generally my best mate.

That said, I can't help but feel frustrated and sad that I feel like I'm compromising on a lot of parts of my life. DH is both a strong personality (I'm a hopeless people pleaser) and the main earner, and I am finding that combination quite tough.

I'd like to live by the sea. I'd actually like to move house, and have done for a long time. DH doesn't really want to move house and so realistically, I know it's never ever going to happen. My life will reach an end and I won't have lived at the seaside.

I'd like my own car, but DH doesn't think we need one, so we don't have one.

I'd like to smarten up our house and garden a bit (since we won't be moving) but DH has no vision and isn't particularly interested, so anything I suggest, even a new rug or replacing the sofa, is met with negativity.

Things cost money and although I do earn money we share our household cash (of which there is plenty) and I can't just unilaterally buy a car or even a rug. If I did, DH would be annoyed and I'd feel terrible.

As a result of all this I just feel like things are not really 'mine' or my decision. If any decisions are eventually made, it's a joint decision. And by joint decision, I mean DH picks something and I go along with it.

I can't really see a way for this to change, and I'm making it sound much worse than it is. I appreciate marriage is a shared life of joint decisions but for once I'd just like a few of my ideas to be acted upon... Am I being daft here? Can anyone relate?

OP posts:

PegottyPie · 27/08/2022 14:45

What happens if you literally tell him how you feel, the way you tell it here? A request to spend some of the joint income on a rug really does not sound unreasonable. Next level up, car. You should really be able to have an open conversation about where to live to. That's where you discover if he's really as "nice" as you think. Because yes, marriage is all about compromise so both parties won't always get what they want. But you should always feel heard and reasonable requests should be granted for the sake of morale and feelings.

Hawkins001 · 27/08/2022 14:50

What about taking charge and doing what you would like ?

Pyewhacket · 27/08/2022 14:58

You need some Assertiveness Training. There's quite a lot online and shed loads of books on it. You don't have to have permission to buy a book with your own money. Put a line in the sand and do it today. Don't be a passenger in your own life. Good luck.

Aquamarine1029 · 27/08/2022 15:01

Take charge and stand up for yourself. The only reason he's calling all the shots is because you allow it. If you want a new rug, buy a fucking rug.

Allthegoodnamesarechosen · 27/08/2022 15:02

This isn’t compromise, it’s submission

MuddlerInLaw · 27/08/2022 15:03

Nope.

Half the responsibility for this state of affairs is yours. You list a heap of things, some tiny, others huge, that you long for in life - and the only reason you give for not pursuing them is “DH would be annoyed and I'd feel terrible.”

It’s not much of a reason for giving up on all your deans, is it? Are you sure you’re not just using your husbands reluctance as an excuse for not making changes?

But the new rug - see what happens.

DenholmElliot1 · 27/08/2022 15:04

Just get yourself a car and do the house up how you like it. If he gets annoyed because you do, get annoyed back with him because he didn't!

MolliciousIntent · 27/08/2022 15:05

No, my marriage is not one long compromise.

We agreed together where we wanted to live and have a family (it involved a big move so we discussed it for years, starting before we even moved in together). I made a suggestion, he looked into it, agreed, we moved there.

We needed a car. We got a car.

We did renovations - my husband has much more of an eye for detail and is much more interested in this stuff, I don't GAF, so he makes the decisions and checks them with me to make sure I don't totally hate it, then it gets done.

Basically, we're on the same page. It doesn't sound like that's the case with you guys, it sounds like you have fundamentally different ideas of what you want from life.

SwedishEdith · 27/08/2022 15:06

Why can't you buy a rug? I buy stuff all the time for our house because I like nice things. I don't ask permission. If you need a car and can fund it yourself to get away from him to go to the seaside, do it.

But, for your wider point, of course living with someone and sharing your life involves compromise; it has to.

Aquamarine1029 · 27/08/2022 15:07

Allthegoodnamesarechosen · 27/08/2022 15:02

This isn’t compromise, it’s submission

Exactly, and you're responsible for that, op.

anotherpotoftea · 27/08/2022 15:08

The problem isn’t marriage in general - it’s that your marriage is not one of equals.

Orangello · 27/08/2022 15:12

Yeah that's being a Surrendered Wife. If you have plenty of money, go buy that rug and hire a gardener. Oh and get a car - he doesn't need to drive it if he thinks he doesn't need one. Yes you're married, but you are still 2 individuals and don't have to take every single decision jointly. Or do as your DH says, in your case.

billy1966 · 27/08/2022 15:13

That's not compromise and thats not a nice man.

You are deluded OP.

That's a controlling bully who has to get his own way.

You have no agency over your life and he sounds financially abusive to me.

I am married a long time and what you have written sounds awful and is NOT normal.

I suggest you ring Women's aid and see what they think of you have absolutely no control over your own money.

It's a crime now.
Check out coercive control.

Just because he isn't slapping you around the place does not mea he is not controlling.

Read up on financial abuse and see how it fits.

If you spend money you earn, is he annoyed??

Would he be annoyed?

Do you not do things because you don't want to upset him?

If so you are in a controlling abusive relationship and that is why you are unhappy.

Not all abuse is physical.

anotherpotoftea · 27/08/2022 15:13

It’s not going to change unless you change. And change can be difficult and uncomfortable. But that’s what is required. Maybe have a look into an assertiveness course or some therapy to help you address the fact that, currently, you don’t matter enough to yourself.

If your DH is your best mate, he should want you to be happy together - not for you to just put up with whatever he wants. How did you decide where to live originally, and whose decision was it?

You will miss out on a better life if you keep telling yourself this is just the nature of marriage in general.

Why doesn’t your DH think you need a car? Have you told him that you do?

Why can’t you buy anything for the house without his agreement? Has he said he expects that or is it just how you feel?

felulageller · 27/08/2022 15:13

You have cognitive dissonance. He's not kind. He's controlling. This is low level financial abuse.

The money you have spend on what you want, to hell with him!

If he doesn't want to share the rest ask him how he'd feel splitting your assets in a divorce!

Dont put up with this shite.

You deserve better.

GroggyLegs · 27/08/2022 15:17

I kind of see where you're coming from.

I'm really not fussed about 99% of things, DH likes to control stuff so generally he's the one who sets the tone. Annoyingly he also has quite good vision & is braver than I am so generally his ideas go well.

BUT I absolutely feel I can just buy a rug and I have said sofa is the next project!
We chose the kitchen together but both had significant input & I was insistent on taking the lead as I do 80% cooking.

I do think this is a million miles away from a total life shift like moving to the sea though. You both need to be on board, especially if family are closely etc. Sorry.

But start small. Honestly, I think you just need to buy the rug. Do it. If he 'gets annoyed' tell him he's being controlling, have a row & get it all out in the open. This needs to be talked about!

stealthninjamum · 27/08/2022 15:18

Sorry op that’s not compromise, can you think of an example where you got what you want? You need to think hard before you have kids with this man because having kids is full of decisions like where you live, how you parent, who looks after them, whether you reduce your working hours and if he can’t compromise over a fucking rug I guarantee he will not listen to your views about child rearing.

PhillyJoe · 27/08/2022 15:28

felulageller · 27/08/2022 15:13

You have cognitive dissonance. He's not kind. He's controlling. This is low level financial abuse.

The money you have spend on what you want, to hell with him!

If he doesn't want to share the rest ask him how he'd feel splitting your assets in a divorce!

Dont put up with this shite.

You deserve better.

I had a lot of similar issues in my marriage which I eventually ended. I actually earned more money but we shared it all and he gave me shit for buying things for the house or myself. He was controlling but it took me a long time to recognise it as such. On the surface I’m more confident and assertive but he was just so immovable that I learned to not both fighting for things because I always lost. When I started to be more assertive again he got angrier and angrier.

My advice is to start being firmer about what you want and more open about how these compromises make you feel and see what happens. If he can accommodate your needs great, if not consider ending the relationship because it really shouldn’t be like that.

billy1966 · 27/08/2022 15:28

Obviously there is a huge difference between a spouse not being on board with moving to be by the sea and not being allowed your car, which is extremely controlling when you earn and can afford it.

Not being allowed to spend on your home is so controlling.

He uses his anger and the threat of it to control you.

You desperately need to wake up to your reality.

Every marriage has elements of compromise, but what you describe is definitely not compromise.

You have been forced into complete capitulation by the threat of his dnger and displeasure.

gannett · 27/08/2022 15:30

Marriage/relationships are about compromise, yes, but the point about compromise is that both partners make them. Seems like in your marriage it's just you.

You can afford the rug with money you earn, so buy the rug if you want.

G5000 · 27/08/2022 15:31

By compromise you seem to mean that you give up on what you want and he gets his way. Are there things where you get your way?

Str8talker · 27/08/2022 15:31

Let us know what happened after your long chat with him.
On the earnings imbalance: why are so many people su

foxy86 · 27/08/2022 15:32

I can understand the not wanting to move to the seaside if it means leaving everyone and everything behind and not knowing about jobs and things. The car also if you can’t afford and already have one, is it a need etc. but the rug thing and other things I would not be happy about. Moving and buying a car are big financial decisions so ppl saying buy one isn’t realistic if you can’t actually afford to run it.
if there are issues around him watching what you spend but he can spend what he wants then he isn’t as nice as you say he is and you need to be having words with him.

Str8talker · 27/08/2022 15:32

Oops! Why are soany people surprised that their life turns our a certain way when they consciously let it?

G5000 · 27/08/2022 15:35

Also you say you have family money - does your DH consult you when he wants to buy something relatively low value (rugs really aren't that expensive) and he then doesn't buy it if you say no? Or is it only you?

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