Anyone else feel like marriage is one long compromise?

[RelaxHaveADrinkWithMe]

I do have a lovely DH - he is kind and funny and handsome, clever and works hard. He has a close and loving relationship with the kids and is generally my best mate.

That said, I can't help but feel frustrated and sad that I feel like I'm compromising on a lot of parts of my life. DH is both a strong personality (I'm a hopeless people pleaser) and the main earner, and I am finding that combination quite tough.

I'd like to live by the sea. I'd actually like to move house, and have done for a long time. DH doesn't really want to move house and so realistically, I know it's never ever going to happen. My life will reach an end and I won't have lived at the seaside.

I'd like my own car, but DH doesn't think we need one, so we don't have one.

I'd like to smarten up our house and garden a bit (since we won't be moving) but DH has no vision and isn't particularly interested, so anything I suggest, even a new rug or replacing the sofa, is met with negativity.

Things cost money and although I do earn money we share our household cash (of which there is plenty) and I can't just unilaterally buy a car or even a rug. If I did, DH would be annoyed and I'd feel terrible.

As a result of all this I just feel like things are not really 'mine' or my decision. If any decisions are eventually made, it's a joint decision. And by joint decision, I mean DH picks something and I go along with it.

I can't really see a way for this to change, and I'm making it sound much worse than it is. I appreciate marriage is a shared life of joint decisions but for once I'd just like a few of my ideas to be acted upon... Am I being daft here? Can anyone relate?

I can see lots of people calling your DH controlling and bullying and I’m not sure that’s right from some of the things you say. I know of understand where you’re coming from as my DH is a bit like this. Except i can also be particular so sometime we just end up not doing/choosing anything! He isn’t great at compromise but 75% of the time he’s not too bothered so lets me have my way, then maybe 10% of the time he absolutely wants what he wants and even if they’re big things i think he feels like he should get what he wants because he doesn’t usually ask. He’s actually not being spoilt or bullying, he just genuinely struggles to understand why I’m not going along with whatever he thinks is a great idea. I agree with other posters who think you need to find a way to start a proper conversation with him about this as it sounds slowly demoralising never to have the option that fills your heart with. Joy

If my DH doesn’t like something, I won’t buy it. Even if it is a dress or crockery or art or whatever.

but that’s because he has really good taste and has an eye for stuff that I may not normally go for, but actually looks good when I wear it or suits our home.

and we totally disagree about cars. He likes bigger more expensive cars and I want a small nondescript one. He has come around to my way of thinking on this, finally after 20 years. And he would have no problem if I said we should have a car each, although I don’t as we don’t really need two.

I can see why the OP feels torn about it all...something seems a bit off in the balance of give and take.

I was just about to say exactly that!

Compromise = you give a bit, he gives a bit. You get one thing your way, he gets another. Etc.

When you can't even buy a rug without annoying His Lordship, it starts to sound very much like financial abuse.

objectively I do have all the things I could want - our house is great, it's just not what I would have picked. Ditto car. Ditto decor, garden, holidays, etc.

You don't have them. You are just allowed to use the things he chose when he doesn't want to use them himself. You get to go with him on his holiday, and that's all the holiday you're getting. None of them are really yours, your own choice, to use when and how you want. They're all his, on loan.

The car is actually quite worrying. That's a real narcissists' ego-stroker of a vehicle. It's not a car for anyone to enjoy but him. And he gets angry when you want your own car. He seems to believe that his leftovers should be good enough for you.

You think that what he chooses is everything you "objectively" "could" want. But he is not God - his choices are not objectively any better than yours.

How can you be a lawyer if you can't handle a bit of conflict?

It's the effects of coercive control and it can happen to the strongest of people. OP it's not your fault and it doesn't make you weak.

I decorated a truly awful bathroom once, pain peeling off the wall type awful. I like to take a bath and it annoyed me so much. I said to my partner "I've saved up £50, ok if I decorate the bathroom?" He said no problem and I got on with it. The ONLY reason I asked permission was because it was his house and I didn't live there!

You have a right to need things. You have a right to want things. Obviously in a marriage there has to be some discussion and if necessary some compromising. But not justifying. You're having to justify every single thing you want (and need?) and obtain his permission, otherwise you can't have it. That's financial abuse/emotional abuse.

In your situation I'd do something that I think is necessary whether you split or stay together. Open a bank account in your name only and get your wages paid in there.

Work out the total cost of household expenses for daily life, which includes children-related expenses.

Work out what percentage your wages are of the joint income. Let's say it works out at 30% of the total joint income. So you transfer 30% of the household expenses amount into the joint account as your contribution to the running costs of life.

Open a savings account in your sole name. Put a bit aside if you want to each month, maybe for a holiday or an escape fund

Spend the rest on whatever you like. Family day out? New shoes that you don't need because you've already got loads? Something for the house? A car? Anything at all. You've every right to.

Tell him what you've arranged with the new bank account, your wages going in there, your contribution towards the household expenses. Tell him it's because you felt you had no control over anything.

If his response is anything other than "oh right, no worries, that's fine", you've got a massive problem (in the form of a controlling prick for a husband). It's totally fair, totally reasonable and you shouldn't have to justify yourself at all. It should cause no argument, no conflict. Because if he's not controlling you then what has he lost?

If it's an accident, him feeling he's got final say, because maybe he's never stopped to think about it, making this change to the money situation will make him aware of it and make it clear that you have rights too. You shouldn't hear another peep out of him about your spending choices.

If it's financial abuse then by you doing this he's just lost control and is likely to get angry, sulk, give you silent treatment, stop doing his share of chores, or try to "punish" you in some other way. It might take the form of him going on and on and on and on at you endlessly, about how "unfair" you are, how you should reverse your decision, how he didn't get a say in it etc. All to try to grind you down and get you to comply with his wishes.

Be aware that if it's emotional abuse he might not say much, or anything, about the changes to the situation, but the expectations that you'll justify every purchase and get his permission will continue. Even though you've paid your way and it's your money, that you've earned, sitting in your bank account. So he could start to "punish" you, as above, when you stop doing that. Watch out for endless questions about why you've bought xyz or little digs/insults for having done so.

Hes not that lovely if it's all about him.
Anyone can be great if it's all going their way.
Personally I'd get a gardener in and look at getting myself a car and while I'm on a roll treat the house to a rug.
What's he going to do about it?2🤷‍♀️

You know, your recent updates are really sad to read.

You are living in a gilded cage and you don't even see it.

To be honest, I compromise a hell of lot on things like this. Mainly because they are not massively important to me. But it does grind me down a bit. When I see friends' beautiful tasteful homes and then come back to mine and it just has never ever been furnished or decorated quite to my taste, I feel a bit down. But I did kick up a fuss about holidays. We'd never have left bloody UK if I hadn't put up a fight and now i pretty much get to decide on what holidays we do.

I get what you’re saying, OP. I got married at 40, no serious boyfriends before that. Folk would always say, oh you’re so nice how come you’re single!
I actually liked it being me, I had loads of male company, and could do whatever the hell I wanted, whenever I wanted.
Loads of my hopes & dreams don’t include my husband. There is definitely compromise, being in a couple. As there is having kids.

objectively I do have all the things I could want - our house is great, it's just not what I would have picked. Ditto car. Ditto decor, garden, holidays, etc. Basically all the 'big' things are his way

A gilded cage is still a cage.

I think the living by the sea objection is fair enough if he doesn’t want to move. That may be something that needs compromise. The others just sound petty so you need to be more assertive on those.

@RelaxHaveADrinkWithMe Totally with you- I married (2nd marriage for me- 1st for him) a bohemian , clever non materialistic and fun guy. 26 years later and he's become a bit of a my way or the highway person- has no sense of compromise , is pretty controlling and seems to have become not happy unless he's living in the very nicest of areas , (and even then he moans non stop about it) big status middle class car and quite judgmental about others too. Our son is no longer at home and is independent

It's like being married to someone I didn't really sign up for. Like you OP- I'm fed up of everything being his choice and his decision and if I offer up a different opinion it creates such an atmosphere I end up backing down.

I do genuinely care about him, I just don't particularly like being in a relationship any more- fed up of almost having to ask permission to do certain things. I have a friend that goes out at least twice a week and has a 9 year old and goes to events with her family and friends 'a lot' - her partner is laid back and takes good care of her son- my H is always commenting on the fact she never seems to be in (she posts on Facebook) and the amount she is out without her partner. To be frank I'm actually quite envious she has such a laid back partner who she isn't constantly feeling obliged to stay in for.

I find this very interesting. The posters who are saying ‘you’re a lawyer; I can’t believe you are allowing/enabling this behaviour - this is on you’ should instead be thinking ‘this woman is a lawyer, skilled at negotiating compromises in her working life, AND YET she is not afforded a voice or opinion in her own home.’ You do need some sort of counselling or coaching to assist you, because he is not an accommodating personality. It is extremely difficult dealing with an intransigent partner who is like an immovable rock. My experience was that I went to private counselling, talked out the problem, and practised the vocabulary to nail in 2-3 sentences what was so unfair and unbalanced, and what outcome I wanted. It worked. It ended the marriage, but it worked.

@AmaryllisNightAndDay is spot on with their post.

You don't have what you want though do you op? You have what your husband wants and because they are objectively nice things you're gas lit into thinking it's what you want as well.

Sorry but who the fuck buys a car with white leather seats when they have a young family? That's just wierd and I actually find it quite unsettling.

Your marriage sounds controlling and suffocating. You don't have to live like this you know. You have every right to sit by the sea in your cheap run a round eating chips with your kids. Don't let your husband rob you of such pleasures.

Also why is everything you buy cheap/second hand? You have a good job and I'm guessing so does your husband? Is it really because you're frugal or is it because deep down you know your husband would disapprove of more expensive purchases?

You should not have to be looking into assertiveness training for how to deal with your own husband. That's not what a marriage should be. You deserve far better.

My ex husband was like this and I was just resigned to it. I felt powerless. I thought he was “generous” though and treated me well, just also knew I didn’t have choices in things that mattered to me.

We stayed in a house that he had insisted in and I knew we would never move (eventually he bought me out in divorce and now lives there with his new wife, I feel sad for her that she never got the option of picking somewhere new.)

Everything was on his terms - even when we got married, it was a massive wedding although I wanted a really small one. There was no compromise at all, just his vision of the wedding he wanted ( and he recently recreated that same wedding when he married again, my DC actually said to me “Step mum really wanted a little wedding like you and step dad had, but it had to be a big one as dad has got lots of friends” - no change there then!)

By the time I left him I’d realised by then that he was emotionally abusive, in subtle ways I thought, but it was when I ended it that I saw his true colours. He still does try to control me through maintenance payments and by saying things to the DC about me… but I went to CMA, and as the DC are getting older that matters less (and they don’t believe him anyway).

I remember picking a car for myself about a year after the divorce. It wasn’t brand new but it was new to me and much more expensive than he would ever have approved (I’d had a car before but always very cheap older ones while he had brand new transporters that I wasn’t allowed to drive , despite the fact that I was the one ferrying DC around). It was so exciting. I asked no-ones permission. Driving it home was the best feeling ever.

I am now married again and am in a normal equal partnership.

An example of making small decisions in a normal relationship: there was a day last year when I bought some cushions on impulse after I’d passed a really nice interiors shop. I then sent my DH a photo and told him (still with that tiny niggle feeling like I’d done something wrong and had been very frivolous and spendthrifty in a bad way).

He sent back a smiley face. He didn’t even ask how much they had cost. When I got home and he saw them he was pleased that they went with the room we were redecorating, and suggested I get more next time I was in that town. That was it.

I recommend “Why does he do that? Lundy Bancroft” to you x

I know what you mean about the compromise thing but generally speaking that's life and not just marriage. The only way you get to make all decisions for yourself without the need to compromise would be to be entirely on your own, all the time. Most situations in life require a degree of compromise - marriage, family, friendships. In your relationship it sounds like you are always on the side of losing at the expense of DH winning when what you are really looking for is to have some equilibrium without one party winning at the expense of the other. If you haven't properly talked things through with DH to let him know how you feel you are probably doing him a disservice but if you have and he just continues to get his own way over everything then you really do need to take action and assertiveness training could be a good start.

@RelaxHaveADrinkWithMe - this is very sensible stuff but gets it wrong in the first sentence.

Marriage is a compromise but that doesn't mean one half of the arrangement giving up all their wants to satisfy the other. It means both getting some of the things they want and giving in sometimes. Sounds like you are doing all the compromising here.

It seem to me one of the biggest problems is the living location. That one is really tough if you have different ideas (rugs or whatever are minor) - you need to be upfront about how much it matters to you. I wouldn't want to move to the seaside but that's just me

Location / later life plans have made a couple of marriages I am aware of fall over (including contributing to mine)

If he is

If he is actually a decent guy, it's likely you could get him to respond differently if you adopted an assertive approach. Read up on it - the main principles are quite straight forward (previous posters have outlined them). Start small and see how it goes. The main thing is to keep emotion out if it and to be clear- no justifications or apologies.

I totally understand how you can deal with clients at work but are different at home. I'm a teacher / school manager -dealing with children and difficult staff is straight forward at work as that is my role, there are clear policies and everyone understands the expectations. Dealing with my children at home hasn't always been as easy as emotions get in the way. Having said that, assertiveness principles work well there when I set out to use them. I have a teen who pushes boundaries. My usual approach is to explain why no is the answer but when they persist, a simple "no" can work wonders.

In my marriage I'm very assertive but DH can be too - I wouldn't respect him if he wasn't to be honest. All big decisions are made jointly after discussion- we know each other's tastes well so it isn't usually a difficult task - just weighing up pros and cons etc. A rug for the living room would be a joint decision in our house but one for a different room might not.

If you can address this without help, I'd suggest therapy even if it's just for you on your own (assuming he wouldn't agree, that is).

I'd look in to leaving him, getting my house where I wanted it and nakung all my own decisions.

I couldn't live like you.

If I want a rug, I buy a rug.

What I mean is I couldn't live like you and you shouldn't either.

An example in my situation which is similar is that once he decides he wants to go to bed - he switches TV off and goes round switching lights off . Quite often I will stay downstairs on my phone for 10 or 15 minutes but after that he will shout down and ask if I'm coming up as he wants to switch lamp off in bedroom.

If I said I was not wanting to go to bed he would get into a huff so for years I've just gone along with it for an easy life I suspect OP is similar but has now started to find things intensely annoying. Apparently menopause means many women lose their patience in going along with stuff so as to keep an easy peace, problem is by then a lot of men are set in their ways and take it as a 'criticism' if you try and change habits

Anyone can be great if it's all going their way.

This, really. How kind and lovely is he if things don't go his way and you 'disobey' one of his orders?

I would sell his cunty car and buy one for the family. He is a controlling twat and you are letting him. This will come back on the kids when they are older and start challenging the King of the House.

This. I think OP might be in for a rude awakening here.