Anyone else feel like marriage is one long compromise?

[RelaxHaveADrinkWithMe]

I do have a lovely DH - he is kind and funny and handsome, clever and works hard. He has a close and loving relationship with the kids and is generally my best mate.

That said, I can't help but feel frustrated and sad that I feel like I'm compromising on a lot of parts of my life. DH is both a strong personality (I'm a hopeless people pleaser) and the main earner, and I am finding that combination quite tough.

I'd like to live by the sea. I'd actually like to move house, and have done for a long time. DH doesn't really want to move house and so realistically, I know it's never ever going to happen. My life will reach an end and I won't have lived at the seaside.

I'd like my own car, but DH doesn't think we need one, so we don't have one.

I'd like to smarten up our house and garden a bit (since we won't be moving) but DH has no vision and isn't particularly interested, so anything I suggest, even a new rug or replacing the sofa, is met with negativity.

Things cost money and although I do earn money we share our household cash (of which there is plenty) and I can't just unilaterally buy a car or even a rug. If I did, DH would be annoyed and I'd feel terrible.

As a result of all this I just feel like things are not really 'mine' or my decision. If any decisions are eventually made, it's a joint decision. And by joint decision, I mean DH picks something and I go along with it.

I can't really see a way for this to change, and I'm making it sound much worse than it is. I appreciate marriage is a shared life of joint decisions but for once I'd just like a few of my ideas to be acted upon... Am I being daft here? Can anyone relate?

reading makes me wonder if I exert too much control in the relationship. In the other hand, my DH will ask. I will say no, if I really don’t like, not simply being obstructive. If DH doesn’t pursue the idea, I suspect it’s not important. But now wonder if DH feels being controlled. Off to ask.

I don’t think it’s that simple. I earned more money than my ex and still ended up controlled by his anger. And we had 8 years living together perfectly fine but it changed when we had our first baby. I’ve gone over it so many times but I really couldn’t have predicted where we would end up. But earning good money did mean I knew I could support myself adequately when I left so I was freer to make that decision.

I agree that marriage is a compromise. My DH has a stronger vision of what he wants from life, so I’ve gone along with it...but if I was not married I would have made different decisions. (Eg I would have chosen to live in a city rather than the countryside).
The difference in what you’ve said about your Dh and my DH is that if I strongly felt that we need to be in a city, he would move. But it is so hard to undo decisions when I am not entirely clear in my own mind about what I need

Yes marriage is one long compromise, unless you happen to be married to someone who thinks exactly the same as you every single time.

One partner will want one thing, the other wants something else, you discuss and compromise.

I've compromised on our next holiday because dh really wants to go to a particular place. I chose our summer holiday, his first choice would have been somewhere else. I think that's fine and healthy.

But it sounds like you do all the compromising in your marriage and that's not okay.

Thanks for all the replies. Lots of interesting views and experience.

I'm not sure I've explained it all that well, in that it's not that he is controlling per se, but he is the fussy one and I'm the laid back one who hates conflict, so it's always me compromising.

I'd like to assert myself and get what I want but at the same time, I can't bear the conflict of it. He doesn't get angry really, it's just that his automatic reaction to everything is 'no'. He takes persuading to agree to anything and it's fucking exhausting. He doesn't like change and doesn't take risks.

We have 3 young children so I'm working part time but I have a good job (lawyer). I make all the decisions about the children and buy all their stuff.

He chose this house. We'd been looking for 3 years and I would have agreed to buy anything at that point. We agreed it was a short term first time buy, and we'd look for something bigger/more private/closer to the water. That was 8.5 years ago... 😏

Anyway I think I will look into assertiveness training and have a think about how to approach things with him.

I do feel like marriage is one long compromise. I sometimes look my house and feel slightly sad that not much is my first choice...I'd love some highly patterned rich coloured wallpaper, chinoise style but my husband likes plain plain plain so most things we have are in the middle for example.

But in your marriage you're not comprising. Compromising means meeting in the middle and getting the best result for both parties. So you both get your second or third choice rather than one person getting your first choice and one your last choice.

In your case thouty your husband is getting his first choice every time and you are getting nothing you want, and that's not healthy, for either of you and will lead to a load of resentment on both parts.

I think the higher earner is irrelevant (unless he keeps saying 'well I make more so I get the final say', and if he has that mentality then there isnt much point as the power imbalance or how he sees you as 'lesser' will never change).

But why should he make all your life decisions for you? The seaside thing is a bit tricky as there isnt really a great compromise but for everything else there should be a compromise. Eg you move house somewhere else. You buy a small / cheap car or sign up to a car share scheme or buy a motor bike or something.

But it's really really not normal in a healthy relationship to not be able to buy a rug. Its normal to not buy a specific rug (eg you want a orange and red rug that clashes with your pink decor and he says its hideous) but it's not normal to not be able to buy anything you want, ever, unless you're being emotionally or financially abused.

I wanted a rug recently, my husband wasnt bothered, but we agreed a budget which was at the cheaper end, and agreed a style, which was less busy than u wanted and more busy than he wanted. We both compromised.

You need to sit down and say to him that you've realised there is a power imbalance in your relationship and you feel like you arent in control of much of your life and that it's not fair that he gets the final say in everything. And that it might not be the final say in terms of 'I forbid you from doing this' but it might be the final say in terms of being so negative or grumpy or critical of ideas that it effectively stops you. Tell him you're worried you are both not communicating properly and making joint decisions effectively. And that if it continues you're worried about being resentful in the future. Give him specific small examples that don't really matter and arent emotive like the buying a rug or tidying up the garden. And ask him what he thinks you should both do about it. Would he consider counselling, I think it could be really beneficial as even if he recognises his behaviour and wants to change, it's hard to change engrained habits without help

and have a think about how to approach things with him.

"I bought a new rug today!"

Basically, the way to approach it is to tell him rather than ask him. Then, if he says no, you can just say, "I wasn't asking your permission."

Moving house is a big decision. Buying a rug shouldn't even be a conversation! He doesn't get to veto all your decisions.

Surely, as a lawyer, you have to tell your clients things they don't want to hear at times? Use the same approach with him.

I agree that you have allowed this to happen. If my partner said I couldn't by a rug I'd, well, I can't imagine him even saying that. Even if he said he didn't think needed one I'd just get it anyway. I wouldn't even think to 'ask'

How can you be a lawyer if you can't handle a bit of conflict? More to the point, making basic decisions shouldn't result in a conflict at all. It's just not normal. It's like your husband is your dad and you're the child. Fuck that. You have got to put a stop to this cycle right now because it's an absolutely horrible example for your children.

That is not "compromise". Compromise is a middle ground between two people. What you describe is you doing what he wants and never what you want.

I'd like my own car, but DH doesn't think we need one, so we don't have one

If I did, DH would be annoyed and I'd feel terrible

I can understand someone not wanting to move house or living by the sea, but why don't you deserve your own car?? You either can't afford it, he's really tight with money......or he quite likes having you on a leash. Have you considered that? A car really makes a difference to someone's independence. I would want my partner to have one, so why doesn't he want you to have one??

I'd like to smarten up our house and garden a bit (since we won't be moving) but DH has no vision and isn't particularly interested, so anything I suggest, even a new rug or replacing the sofa, is met with negativity

Why is his 'no' the final say in things? It seems like it is at the moment. You want harmony and consensus, and I think he gets a lot of what he wants by this alone. You are probably quite sensitive to bad atmospheres and his unhappiness, so I'm thinking that you have probably had to revolve around him and his wants in this relationship more than the other way around. Do you think there's a possibility that he enjoys saying no to things, enjoys that power of denying?

You're not being daft. You're woman who has lived with a dominant partner for a long time, and as funny, clever and handsome as he is, I'd say you are getting pretty tired of having to revolve around his decisions, of being infantilised. I'm sure this suits him brilliantly, but it's damaging on you.

Yeah, this.

OP I’m even more concerned after your latest update. None of this is compromise. This is his way or no way. He knows it as well - look at what you’ve wrote about making all the decisions and choices when it comes to the kids - when he allows you (read: when he doesn’t care/can’t be bothered). This shows he knows exactly what he’s doing when he automatically says “no” to anything you want.

My DP has no real interest in furnishing our house but Jesus Christ he would never ever say no to me buying a rug ffs. And I wouldn’t even think it would be something I would need to discuss with him!

He’s a controlling bully OP.

There are similarities here with my married life, years and years ago. I was at home with children so felt I couldn't ask for anything. As the children got older, I started working but apparently I still "wasn't allowed" to spend my own money.

Being in the workplace made me far more assertive, and also made me realise how wrong our marriage was. I walked away eventually, it's bloody marvellous being on my own and buying whatever I want!

Marriage is complex because, in part, it is a compromise. People who cannot compromise don't live well together. But what you are describing isn't compromise......

So you're the one doing all the compromising then? Doesn't sound like too much fun to me, I'm not surprised you're pissed off. He sounds oppressive tbh.

This 100%

Why is his default no?

Cant you tell him to shut up when he witters on about it?

And I’d be using the joint car as my car.

Let him walk if he thinks you don’t need one. He sounds like a right twat.

Anyway I think I will look into assertiveness training and have a think about how to approach things with him

If you think it will help you at work, go for it, but assertiveness training won't neccessarily help with this situation.

Some people like having their own way, all the time OP. They needs things to be just-so, exactly how they want, or they're not happy. Your assertiveness training won't change that part of his personality. If you've always had this dynamic as a couple, there's a good chance that his dominance in this relationship is probably why he was attracted to you and decided to marry you.

Yes, some women would say that you need to be more assertive, but it very tiring to be met with one 'no' after another. It's not nice feeling like you've upset or annoyed your husband because you happen to have 'disobeyed them' or not given in to their exact wishes. It's basically a long line of conflict where you're aware that you are continuously making your partner unhappy just with simple decisions. Who wants that??

I still can't get over the fact that you are and adult, a lawyer who doesn't have a car because he partner doesn't want her to have it. It doesn't matter if you have joint finances - you earn more than enough to get yourself a car and lessons if you want to, presumably.

He doesn't realise it now, maybe he doesn't care, but if he carries on like this he's going to break this marriage.

He may be funny and kind and handsome... but he's not very nice, is he? I live my DP very much, and if he wanted to buy a rug or a car, that would be fine. 'Compromise' doesn't mean what you think it means. If you want a Range Rover and he doesn't because it's too expensive, for example, you compromise by buying a small cheap runabout.

l had the ‘no’ conversation with my Dh.

He often said no to stuff. When l pointed out how much of a fun sucker he was saying it, he genuinely tried to change.

If it starts again l say ‘You’re doing the No thing again’

If you want assertiveness training, one if the main tricks is the broken record technique.

Just keep repeating you want a car in a neutral tone of voice. Don’t explain or justify.

This is isn't about marriage, this is about you being a people-pleaser.

I'm the only earner in my marriage and while we compromise a lot, if I say we are having work on the garden, we have work done on the garden. DH is not massively interested in home decoration, but he knows I am so it gets decorated the way I like

Yes marriage is a series of compromises but both parties make the compromises.

If I did, DH would be annoyed and I'd feel terrible

While DH might be annoyed, why do you have to be feel terrible. What about 'I know you'll be annoyed about this darling, but I have done it and am delighted about it and I am not changing my mind'

He doesn't get angry really, it's just that his automatic reaction to everything is 'no'.

It's a problem if his reaction is to tell you "no". Contra received MN wisdom, no is not a complete sentence - not in a relationship, anyway.

If DP wants something and I don't, I say "I don't want this because..." or "I don't think this is a good idea because..." and vice versa. We don't TELL each other no. We start a conversation. In that conversation we'll also discuss how strongly we actually feel about the issue in question. For example, we couldn't decide where to go on holiday this year. DP said he wasn't into a couple of my suggestions. We talked and his actual red line was that he didn't want to go somewhere he'd been before. So we went with another of my suggestions that also met his desires. That's compromise.

I think I know what you mean OP. I don't think my DH is quite so controlling but I do feel that we have to discuss and agree every last thing as a couple which is tiresome.
We decorated our hallway recently and I had a vision which involved lovely rich colours and accents. Somehow everything got 'toned down' by DH arguing about my choices and it's ended up all very dull and uninspiring. The thing is, I'd hate it if he unilaterally decorated a room, but that's mostly because I know he has zero creative ability/ design style. It just makes me want to not bother though.
I'd love a partner who said 'you're better than me at this - just get on with it!'

We have virtually no art on our walls as we can't agree! He suggests hideous stuff and I think because I then try to veto it, he won't agree to anything I like, so it ends in stalemate.
We each decorated our own offices. His is white /black/ chrome furniture from IKEA - completely souless. Mine is painted wood, grey, plants, pictures etc and I think very homely.

I find it extraordinary that you are a lawyer, but you can’t handle disagreeing with your husband about relatively minor things. A difference of opinion about a rug is not ‘conflict’. You don’t have to agree about everything, no couple does. So what if he’s grumpy about the bloody rug? Just laugh at him or tell him to stop being ridiculous.
Maybe assertiveness training would help, because if you insist on behaving like a doormat, that is how people will treat you.

It's not a compromise is though?;your DH makes all the decisions and tells you what to do;if you do it without asking;you get grief.

He's the boss and your his subordinate who's expected to fall in line.