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Original poster

Anyone else feel like marriage is one long compromise?

129 replies

RelaxHaveADrinkWithMe · 27/08/2022 14:40

I do have a lovely DH - he is kind and funny and handsome, clever and works hard. He has a close and loving relationship with the kids and is generally my best mate.

That said, I can't help but feel frustrated and sad that I feel like I'm compromising on a lot of parts of my life. DH is both a strong personality (I'm a hopeless people pleaser) and the main earner, and I am finding that combination quite tough.

I'd like to live by the sea. I'd actually like to move house, and have done for a long time. DH doesn't really want to move house and so realistically, I know it's never ever going to happen. My life will reach an end and I won't have lived at the seaside.

I'd like my own car, but DH doesn't think we need one, so we don't have one.

I'd like to smarten up our house and garden a bit (since we won't be moving) but DH has no vision and isn't particularly interested, so anything I suggest, even a new rug or replacing the sofa, is met with negativity.

Things cost money and although I do earn money we share our household cash (of which there is plenty) and I can't just unilaterally buy a car or even a rug. If I did, DH would be annoyed and I'd feel terrible.

As a result of all this I just feel like things are not really 'mine' or my decision. If any decisions are eventually made, it's a joint decision. And by joint decision, I mean DH picks something and I go along with it.

I can't really see a way for this to change, and I'm making it sound much worse than it is. I appreciate marriage is a shared life of joint decisions but for once I'd just like a few of my ideas to be acted upon... Am I being daft here? Can anyone relate?

OP posts:
ArseInTheCoOpWindow · 27/08/2022 17:24

I'd love a partner who said 'you're better than me at this - just get on with it!'

Ive got a degree in design and worked as a designer for a long time.

Dh has handed it all over to me after a few token squeaks. I evicted his disgusting florals and Constable type pictures 20 years ago!

AmaryllisNightAndDay · 27/08/2022 17:33

Don't worry, you explained yourself very well. If you don't ask for many things then a normal partner would say, well my lovely wife doesn't ask for much, usually she is happy to go along with what I like, so if there's something she really does want I'll make the effort so she can have it. And if that's not possible and it's really important to her I'll do whatever I can to make up to her.

What does he do to make you feel better about not living near the sea? Or to give you some of things that you might get from living near the sea?

I appreciate marriage is a shared life of joint decisions but for once I'd just like a few of my ideas to be acted upon...

Sorry but you don't have any joint decisions at all in your marriage. Not if he wont act on any of your decisions or preferences without getting angry when they're not the same as what his.

It's not compromise when only one person is compromising.

AmaryllisNightAndDay · 27/08/2022 17:36

Your husband reminds me of that Victoria Wood sketch - "So we compromised. I got what I wanted and they didn't."

HotWashCycle · 27/08/2022 17:36

You are a lawyer with a good salary and you cannot buy a car without "permission". Sorry OP, but you are enabling your H to be an uncompromising boor. It is no good saying you are a "hopeless people pleaser". Do something about it. As others have said - assertiveness training (assertiveness is not aggression). Tell your DH how you feel as you have done on here, and open a conversation with him about how you make decisions together, and that you are not happy with it. If he is resistant to change, offer to do the changes yourself. Get heard by him. Then go and buy that car.

LemonDrop22 · 27/08/2022 17:42

He's not kind.

I mean I know anyone can end up in a relationship like this but I can't believe you're a lawyer and you're in a relationship like this. You even work part-time FFS, you're not even a sahm (not that that would make it ok).

Elieza · 27/08/2022 17:46

You’re the only one comprising.
He gets his way all the time.

I’d suggest you start a list of all the decisions you’ve disagreed on and see who won them. Memorise. Use during a convo when you explain that his “attitude of sulk if he doesn’t get his own way” is not endearing and you feel dissatisfied with life as you’re continually compromising.

Both of you should have your own money so if you want a car you should be be able to buy one.

Where you stay is still up for negotiation. Remind him it was his choice 8 years ago and now you want yours. Find out what puts him off the sea. Try and think of solutions.

Original poster
RelaxHaveADrinkWithMe · 27/08/2022 17:46

I know it sounds strange, but at work I can absolutely handle conflict, when I'm detached from it and it's on behalf of someone else. To be honest a lot of what I do at work is working towards a resolution rather than direct conflict. We come up with creative solutions within the legal framework, plus we are limited by cost pressures, reputational damage etc.

Somehow I can manage all of that in a professional context, but when it comes to DH I just can't. He's a bit like a brick wall at times, he's immovable. I actually like that at times, as he is so solid and dependable but the other side of the coin is that he's resistant to change and as a pp said he likes things 'just so'.

It's been really helpful for me to write all of this down in a neutral place and hear some viewpoints, so thank you for that.

OP posts:
warofthemonstertrucks · 27/08/2022 17:47

Buy the damn rug.

Luredbyapomegranate · 27/08/2022 17:53

Allthegoodnamesarechosen · 27/08/2022 15:02

This isn’t compromise, it’s submission

Yep, sorry OP. Tis.

Your best option is to get a therapist or counsellor to work with you so you find your voice. You can DIY it but it’s easier with support. (Say you are having private physio if that’s an issue)

Start speaking up for yourself

If he doesn’t engage then marriage counselling is the next step

And if that doesn’t work then you may want to work out whether you want to stay. Hopefully it will never come to that, but you have to start the process of change.

Luredbyapomegranate · 27/08/2022 17:56

RelaxHaveADrinkWithMe · 27/08/2022 17:46

I know it sounds strange, but at work I can absolutely handle conflict, when I'm detached from it and it's on behalf of someone else. To be honest a lot of what I do at work is working towards a resolution rather than direct conflict. We come up with creative solutions within the legal framework, plus we are limited by cost pressures, reputational damage etc.

Somehow I can manage all of that in a professional context, but when it comes to DH I just can't. He's a bit like a brick wall at times, he's immovable. I actually like that at times, as he is so solid and dependable but the other side of the coin is that he's resistant to change and as a pp said he likes things 'just so'.

It's been really helpful for me to write all of this down in a neutral place and hear some viewpoints, so thank you for that.

I think one of the truest things is people don’t really have strengths and weaknesses, just qualities that work in some situations and not others.

You flexibility is working for you professionally, and your DP’s inflexibility is probably working for him. But in your marriage it really isn’t working.

You will need help to change it so get some therapeutic support.

ArseInTheCoOpWindow · 27/08/2022 17:56

I’ve done an assertiveness course.

The main methods of communication are, assertive, aggressive, passive, manipulative.

You sound passive which leads to resentment. Your Dh sounds passive aggressive. Switch to assertive and l bet you get more results.

e.g

I am unhappy about this situation and it makes me feel……

Use ‘l’ and own it, Dont throw accusations at him saying ‘you make me feel’.

Say, l feel l have compromised a lot because l love you, but there are things l would like to change’ . Then say as ‘l earn x money l have the right to decide whether or not l want a car, and l want a car’ don’t justify just keep repeating it.

Orangetreexherry · 27/08/2022 17:56

RelaxHaveADrinkWithMe · 27/08/2022 17:46

I know it sounds strange, but at work I can absolutely handle conflict, when I'm detached from it and it's on behalf of someone else. To be honest a lot of what I do at work is working towards a resolution rather than direct conflict. We come up with creative solutions within the legal framework, plus we are limited by cost pressures, reputational damage etc.

Somehow I can manage all of that in a professional context, but when it comes to DH I just can't. He's a bit like a brick wall at times, he's immovable. I actually like that at times, as he is so solid and dependable but the other side of the coin is that he's resistant to change and as a pp said he likes things 'just so'.

It's been really helpful for me to write all of this down in a neutral place and hear some viewpoints, so thank you for that.

We are exact opposites of each other - I'm very assertive with men, but at work I find it hard to be assertive, although I try and set the boundaries, I hate the process. I think my issue is caused by abusive mother, but mother dad was absolutely loving and I've never heard or seen anything negative towards me

Orangetreexherry · 27/08/2022 17:58

*but my dad (not mother dad)

ramarama · 27/08/2022 17:59

I'm now divorced and felt like this with my exH, because he earned a lot more. Truth is I realised too late he actually wanted me to be more assertive and tell him how it was going to be (incl spending his/our money) it was me who was uncomfortable with it.

Bit of a tangent but reminds me of something i read that stuck with me - in Michelle Obama's biography she described being angry and frustrated when Barack's job as Senator ramped up (pre presidency) as she didn't have time and attention for her own stuff and felt sidelined - and she then realised that she had to make time and prioritise her own needs, because nobody else would and any decision to do otherwise was on her. That has stuck with me.

Good luck OP! (ps not surprised you are avoiding confrontation when you've already got three kids!)

Goldpaw · 27/08/2022 18:07

I'm not sure I've explained it all that well

You've explained perfectly. I think you're in denial that your married life isn't compromise at all it's submission because he wants his own way and becomes tricky when you try to stand up for yourself.

oviraptor21 · 27/08/2022 18:09

I'm with you OP - I really am.
OP was the only earner while I was a sahm (both our choice) so a lot of the time I felt like I did have no say in matters.
I do earn now, and more than him.

Two of our 'difference' areas - I'd like the kids to have had a car to share between them or at the very least, access to one of our cars. So that muggins here doesn't end end up doing all the taxiing. But no this wasn't necessary. I can't add them to the insurance because I don't do the insurance.

I wanted to live in a more rural location but DH needed to be next to the station (he could have driven to the station but that wasn't an option). Annoys me every time we come back to the house and he says how much he loves the street we live in. Yes it's a nice street but it's not what I wanted.

Anyway, it's got to the stage where I don't want to compromise any more. I'm all done with it. Kids are nearly all grown up. I'm thinking about next moves ....

goldfinchonthelawn · 27/08/2022 18:20

OP compromises that make you unhappy aren't compromises. they are denials.

I got into a people-pleasing rut when DC were small, doing everything DH's way. Then I got too frustrated and started doing things for myself.

Start doing things and informing him of them, not discussing them. Small stuff, like 'I've joined a netball team/choir/book club so I'll be out on Thursday evenings.' etc.

Stop asking his permission for everything and start discussing things more assertively. E.g. tell him you find not having a car problematic. Or start taking the car whenever you need it, regardless of whether this suits him. Demonstrate your need for a car. Show him a couple of cars you've looked at with good finance options, or a reliable second hand one with low mileage and point out that you completely disagree with his decision that you don't need a car. How would he feel if you unilaterally decided that he didn;t need a car?

Cococushion · 27/08/2022 18:22

OP, what would happen if you bought the rug you wanted? Would he just tut for a minute or would it be more than that?

InternetRandom · 27/08/2022 18:33

Cococushion · 27/08/2022 18:22

OP, what would happen if you bought the rug you wanted? Would he just tut for a minute or would it be more than that?

Test this out. Just buy a rug. Answer any questions about why with 'I saw it and liked it'. His response will tell you a lot.

Dery · 27/08/2022 18:51

OP - it took me decades to realise that being a people pleaser is not a closet virtue. I’m one too (less now I’m in my 50s and post-menopausal). Being a people pleaser involves giving your power to other people and expecting them to look after you and doing it so that they will like you. It is in its way quite selfish behaviour.

There are far worse faults to have, of course, but you’ve already admitted that you capitulate because it’s easier to do so rather than looking after your own needs. Or rather - you’re looking after your need to avoid conflict rather than your other needs but then complaining about the outcome. Remember this is what you’re modelling to your DCs - that daddies call the shots.

Yes, marriages involve compromise but what you’re describing is submission. If you want and can afford a car, get a car. Don’t let your husband decide you can’t have one. If he continues to give you a hard time about it, then as PPs have said, he’s not as nice as you think he is and you have other problems.

Cuddlywuddlies · 27/08/2022 18:56

You can’t buy a rug??? Why the hell not?? That’s ridiculous, he is controlling, end of!! I spent 200quid today on new sunglasses. I didn’t have to ask permission! You can get rugs for the same kind of money! I couldn’t live like that @RelaxHaveADrinkWithMe sorry but that’s not what compromise looks like at all!

Dery · 27/08/2022 18:57

At the very least, you can buy a rug. Your H sounds very controlling.

Hope4therainbow · 27/08/2022 19:07

Go buy a new rug tomorrow op. If he is unhappy, let him. Your are married ffs and share a life and if you cant get a new rug for your home then whats the point???????

Hope4therainbow · 27/08/2022 19:09

You'd be surprised at his reaction once he saw you saying what you want.

GreyCarpet · 27/08/2022 19:17

Tbh, the going out tomorrow and buying a rug is a good suggestion. Put it down and don't mention it.

If I'd done that, my ex husband would have said, "Did you get a new rug today?"
"Yes."
"Oh. It looks nice."

And that would have been the end of it. Just try it.