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Original poster

Anyone else feel like marriage is one long compromise?

129 replies

RelaxHaveADrinkWithMe · 27/08/2022 14:40

I do have a lovely DH - he is kind and funny and handsome, clever and works hard. He has a close and loving relationship with the kids and is generally my best mate.

That said, I can't help but feel frustrated and sad that I feel like I'm compromising on a lot of parts of my life. DH is both a strong personality (I'm a hopeless people pleaser) and the main earner, and I am finding that combination quite tough.

I'd like to live by the sea. I'd actually like to move house, and have done for a long time. DH doesn't really want to move house and so realistically, I know it's never ever going to happen. My life will reach an end and I won't have lived at the seaside.

I'd like my own car, but DH doesn't think we need one, so we don't have one.

I'd like to smarten up our house and garden a bit (since we won't be moving) but DH has no vision and isn't particularly interested, so anything I suggest, even a new rug or replacing the sofa, is met with negativity.

Things cost money and although I do earn money we share our household cash (of which there is plenty) and I can't just unilaterally buy a car or even a rug. If I did, DH would be annoyed and I'd feel terrible.

As a result of all this I just feel like things are not really 'mine' or my decision. If any decisions are eventually made, it's a joint decision. And by joint decision, I mean DH picks something and I go along with it.

I can't really see a way for this to change, and I'm making it sound much worse than it is. I appreciate marriage is a shared life of joint decisions but for once I'd just like a few of my ideas to be acted upon... Am I being daft here? Can anyone relate?

OP posts:
aloris · 27/08/2022 19:21

He doesn't get angry really, it's just that his automatic reaction to everything is 'no'.

So basically you have to ask his permission to do anything. That is not compromise, that is something else, it is not being equals.

I don't understand about the car. Is it that you have just one car, his car, or do you have no car at all? If you need to use a car and are unable to, what is his justification as to why you don't need the car?

Catch21 · 27/08/2022 19:22

The thing you really need to put your foot down about is the car.

So he has a car and you don't? Or is it that you have one shared car? If it's the former, then it's massively unfair that HE'S the one making the decision when it doesn't affect him. YOU'RE the one being inconvenienced so you get to make the decision. Are you dragging three small children around on public transport?

ArseInTheCoOpWindow · 27/08/2022 19:25

This isn’t about rugs and cars. It’s about a pattern that has built up in your relationship that needs to be broken.

If you explain how you feel you may find he is shocked.

StopStartStop · 27/08/2022 19:30

Look into adult ADHD, just in case you have a disability reason for not being able to stand up for yourself.

Right, so. Start planning to move on. Without letting him know.

Own house, own car, everything the way you want it. Doesn't it sound good?

Quartz2208 · 27/08/2022 19:33

I agree your aren’t compromising you are allowing his views to take precedence

buy the rug say you need a car be annoyed your voice isn’t being heard

Kite22 · 27/08/2022 19:52

I think when you spend lots of time with anyone, there will be compromises, unless you somehow have identical thoughts about every tiny detail, but, as has already been said, you and your dh aren't compromising. Compromising means you both move - sometimes each move a little bit closer together, or sometimes more like turn taking. But all the decisions here seem to be 'what he wants' and that isn't compromise.

You've had some excellent advice on this thread, about assertiveness and not "asking permission" for an equal voice.

Original poster
RelaxHaveADrinkWithMe · 27/08/2022 20:34

We do have a shared car, but as the family has grown we are finding ourselves more in a position where two cars would be useful. Also for my commute, a small, cheap-to-run car would be better. Our shared car is a massive, expensive tank of a Mercedes that he chose. I find it too large and impractical for the kids and hanker after a small, cheap and cheerful family car.

He LOVES the car and often has strops about children eating/having dirty shoes/leaving finger marks etc. It has white leather seats. WHITE LEATHER! FFS. I partly want my own car so that we can get fish and chips and eat them inside the car overlooking the sea and squirt the tomato ketchup everywhere and just shrug. If it gets a scratch, I won't give a damn, it will be in the scrappy one of these days anyway.

I think that partly what has contributed to my confused feelings on all of this is that objectively I do have all the things I could want - our house is great, it's just not what I would have picked. Ditto car. Ditto decor, garden, holidays, etc. Basically all the 'big' things are his way and are expensive, quality, classy etc, even if I'd be happy enough with a cheap version.

I'm not painting him in a good light, but maybe that's what an anonymous forum is for...

OP posts:
Cococushion · 27/08/2022 20:41

It is difficult...i mean having two cars is a family decision. And even buying a rug can be, if it is a big one.

what about stuff for yourself, shoes, handbags, clothes, hair cuts etc. Does he try to control any of your personal spend?

Hope4therainbow · 27/08/2022 20:51

RelaxHaveADrinkWithMe · 27/08/2022 20:34

We do have a shared car, but as the family has grown we are finding ourselves more in a position where two cars would be useful. Also for my commute, a small, cheap-to-run car would be better. Our shared car is a massive, expensive tank of a Mercedes that he chose. I find it too large and impractical for the kids and hanker after a small, cheap and cheerful family car.

He LOVES the car and often has strops about children eating/having dirty shoes/leaving finger marks etc. It has white leather seats. WHITE LEATHER! FFS. I partly want my own car so that we can get fish and chips and eat them inside the car overlooking the sea and squirt the tomato ketchup everywhere and just shrug. If it gets a scratch, I won't give a damn, it will be in the scrappy one of these days anyway.

I think that partly what has contributed to my confused feelings on all of this is that objectively I do have all the things I could want - our house is great, it's just not what I would have picked. Ditto car. Ditto decor, garden, holidays, etc. Basically all the 'big' things are his way and are expensive, quality, classy etc, even if I'd be happy enough with a cheap version.

I'm not painting him in a good light, but maybe that's what an anonymous forum is for...

Sorry to say but you having those things is different from you owning them. Hence your sorrow i guess. You would be happier to have a cheaper smaller car as you said cause YOU picked it and it truly belongs to you.

Original poster
RelaxHaveADrinkWithMe · 27/08/2022 20:52

what about stuff for yourself, shoes, handbags, clothes, hair cuts etc. Does he try to control any of your personal spend?

No, not really. I'm naturally pretty frugal though so don't spend a lot on myself. I can generally but whatever the kids need too but again it's usually pretty cheap or second hand, just as that's my nature.

OP posts:
Aquamarine1029 · 27/08/2022 20:53

You have got to get rid of this submissive shell of a woman you've become right now. You don't need therapy, you need to use your voice and absolutely refuse to be dismissed.

However, I predict a very rude awakening for you when you finally advocate for yourself. Your husband isn't going to like it one bit. He likes having you under this thumb. You are going to see a side of him I don't think you ever have. It's time to get angry, op.

Aquamarine1029 · 27/08/2022 20:55

No, not really. I'm naturally pretty frugal though so don't spend a lot on myself.

Are you really or is your frugality born from knowing your husband is going to veto your purchases. I think being frugal definitely has it's merits, but there's also nothing wrong with have some nice things when you can afford it.

felulageller · 27/08/2022 20:56

It's not you that needs to change.its him. Send him on a course!

WheatShreds · 27/08/2022 21:00

I think we all get into ruts and routines in the way we communicate and live but if I sat down and explained how I felt - just as you have here, especially if I took care not to be acusatory, my husband would would try to see things my way and make changes - because he loves me. Yours might too?
Talking of compromise and rugs - a relative once offered to buy us a couple of posh, washable door mats. In the spirit of fairness, I chose one he liked and one I liked. Have regretted it ever since. Mine is far nicer. He has no taste. It was a MISTAKE!

aloris · 27/08/2022 21:01

"I do have all the things I could want - our house is great, it's just not what I would have picked. Ditto car. Ditto decor, garden, holidays, etc. Basically all the 'big' things are his way"

You literally do not have the things you want, it's right there in your own words?

TorviShieldMaiden · 27/08/2022 21:03

It’s not unusual to be different at work and home. I divorced my emotional and financially abusive husband, and lots of people were very shocked. I’m no wallflower at work. Quite the opposite. One friend said she couldn’t imagine me ever not standing up for myself.

My ex was like that about everything, the car and I earned more than him! One of the things I love now is having stuff that is mine!

Cavvies · 27/08/2022 21:06

But you’re not making joint decisions are you. He’s making all the decisions.

you say he says no to everything but sounds like he gave himself a big ol yes to a big expensive car that he wanted.

Cavvies · 27/08/2022 21:12

In your situation I would simply buy the rug and buy the car. I would give dh the courtesy of discussing it. It is John money. But I would then say if you get a car then I get a car or it simply isn’t equal.

the rug I wouldn’t even consult on I’d just buy it.

i have a friend who has just had a kid with someone who is apparently “so kind”. He’s not. He’s a dickhead. He won’t let her buy a washer dryer. Won’t let her put the tv up in the wall because it’s why chavs do, won’t move house but won’t let her invest (her own money) in another property. Wouldn’t let her buy a new sofa.

we were out shopping the other day and she called him to check before she bought a ten pound basket for toys.

shes with him because they’ve been together ten years and she doesn’t have the strength to leave him. She actually earns about four times what he earns.

honestly op this is no way to leave. You sound really downtrodden

MrsMcisaCt · 27/08/2022 21:12

Sorry OP I but what you're describing is not compromise between two equal partners - you must see that. He says no to everything, he doesn't seem to care about what you want at all, and on top of that he's cross with anyone who dares to put a muddy shoe in his precious car. He sounds awful. I think he's the one who needs to go on some sort of course, or even to have counselling. Why is he so uptight?

ArseInTheCoOpWindow · 27/08/2022 21:19

Who buys a car with white leather seats when you’ve got 2 kids?😂Just who?!!!

The fun of kids is eating fish and chips and spilling them in a car. When we went on holiday our car akways came back like a desert there was so much sand in it. Cars or for getting around in, not precious white leather seat things.

Aquamarine1029 · 27/08/2022 21:22

Here's a question... What would your husband do if you just bought a rug without getting his permission? What would he actually do about it? Why are you so afraid of him?

Shoxfordian · 27/08/2022 21:26

It seems like you do all the compromising and that’s not fair op

Simonjt · 27/08/2022 21:36

Is it a case of not being able to buy the rug, or him saying he thinks the home doesn’t need one, so you go along with that rather than buying one? The same with decor, is it a case of his way or no way, or are you choosing not to have your say?

My husband likes ornaments and things, I think they’re pointless shit that you just have the dust and I’ll sometimes tell him that, it doesn’t (and shouldn’t) stop him buying them and displaying said tat. I don’t like them, I definitely wouldn’t buy them, but there will be things in the house he hates that I like, so you know, it evens out.

MrsTerryPratchett · 27/08/2022 21:37

Fuck the rug. Tell him next time he moans about the kids in the Merc, "I'm getting a cheap runaround". And see what happens. If he says you don't need it, you say, "I think we do". And repeat.

KangarooKenny · 27/08/2022 21:41

There is no compromise, you do as you are told. Fuck that, you earn a wage, this isn’t the 1950’s.