My bf believes his pants are another mans

[Staytrue05]

I’ve posted a few times and yes I’ve been told my relationship isn’t the best

my partner has started getting more paranoid and has become physically abusive to me the last month

i don’t know why but I can’t walk away

he was sniffing for 2 days solid and I got fed up of it and went out for the day with my friend
when I came home I picked up a pair of his pants and shorts what he left on the floor in the bathroom and chucked them into the wash pile

he somehow got it into his head and swears blind I threw a pair of pants behind the washing machine and came out the bathroom with a pair of pants saying there not his

i was like I dunno cos maybe there your dads or your sis bf
but no he went mental on me and chucked me out the house n took my keys

i went back like a idiot that night around 12 he was super high and I asked to take some clothes at least
i saw he put the pants he found on top my clothes and I put them on the side in the living room n said oh is these them and I took a photo of them and left

that morning he text me he’s still sniffing and he’s gonna end his life
he was saying your never forget this day I’m gonna do something to haunt u forever
and all these abusive textes

he went quiet for a hour
i started crying and panicking
he than text me loads of letters what made no sense
i knew immediately he’s overdosed and he said help n I drove like a lunatic to the house from my friends who I stayed at cos he chucked me out

i found the door open and ran in to find him on the bed
i rang the ambulance
he wasn’t in a good state
it was awful
i wanted to die myself at that moment

he went to hospital and what I found really strange is when the paramedics arrived he walked out with them
which was odd cos before they come n I was sat next to him crying begging him to hold on
he wasn’t even moving or answering me

we spent the whole day at hospital fighting
he kept saying I cheated on him and all this stuff about the pants

anyway that night I went back to our home cos I had the keys he gave me them back and I grabbed the pants he found what I left on the side in the living room and went in his pant draw n pulled all his pants out filming it to see if I find anymore the same with the lable
and of course I find another pair in white
and grey and navy blue
i put them all next to each other they was obviously a pack of 2 each or 4
and I went in the bathroom and saw the pants I chucked with the shorts were not there anymore cos it was the pants he picked up n said we’re not his

i don’t no how he got it into his head he got them from under the washing machine
but he was on drugs for 2 days solid

I took all the pants to the hospital today and I handed him the pants what he said wasn’t his
i said are they yours
he said yes
i said thank u finally
than he said u just got these out my draw
wheres the ones I found
i was like r u crazy I took a pic of these pants when I came back to yours at 12am
look at the photo with the date n time it’s the same pics I took them in your face
but he’s so deluded he said I switched them
oh yeh right

im not going mental I’m so drained
i don’t know how he can’t see he made a mistake
he really believes I went out n bought a pair of mens pants back in my bag n chucked them behind the washing machine

i swear to god I didnt
and y would I chuck them in our home
if I did do something I would chuck them outside somewhere before I arrived home

im going crazy
im being told I’m a cheat n liar n listening to all this abuse
n he said he don’t no if he wants to be with a cheat anymore
he really believes himself
and I’m innocent and being punished and hurt for something I didn’t do

i even got the textes n photos all day from when I was out
from when I met my friend to pics where I was to when I came home

im really upset
his sis text me and said he’s getting worse it’s the drugs and to walk away
but I cant
i still keep begging him and trying to proof myself

i don’t no what more I can do
i even said I’ll pay for a lie detector test which he said if I did it n pass he would get down on his knees and say sorry
but I’m sure it will be something else next week

he got paranoid before a month ago and beat me up for thinking I wanted a 3 way with some old couple who was with us at a house party
they all contacted him after and said I did nothing wrong I was the whole time with my bf
and no1 even suggested anything and told him your crazy
he admits now to that he’s wrong and sorry

so why can’t he see now he was so high he believed his own pants were not his

im sure people will laugh at this post
its ridiculous
but I love him and I can’t accept not being with him

I also want to mention I found some off the pills in the bin
not all of them cos I counted the empty packets he had left on the side what he said he took to die

im wondering if I’m being mocked
im going mental myself from all of this
i just don’t know what I can do anymore

His own sister is telling you to leave him. If you refuse to love and respect yourself more than this, no one can help you. This isn't love, op.

Walk away. This is not a man who either deserves your love or knows how to love you.

Perhaps you are trauma bonded to him but this isn't love.

Can you binge watch crappy childhood fairy videos tomorrow. Please do leave this man, even if you think you love him, so what? He'll destroy you. You say you feel drained?
Even if you love him, where's that getting you?

Put yourself before him. He puts himself before you.

You were going to get a lie detector test????

@Staytrue05 let him think whatever he wants to think and although that will feel very uncomfortable at first (because he has trained you to feel his distorted emotions and not your own) eventually you will get through the discomfort.

You are not up in court and he is not the judge of you.

Do not get a lie detector test fgs.

My friend said to me before about the trauma bond
i didn’t bother to read the link she sent
it was abit back
but I’m actually going to Google it now to see about it

i know he’s narcissistic im aware
but he’s made me brainwashed and I know I should walk away
but I can’t do it
i do but after a hour or 2 I’m begging him back
i just can’t imagine not seeing him
i got so attached I do love him it’s so hard

You can walk away, you just won't. You don't love him, op. This isn't even close to what love is.

ok, I'm going to break this down as I know how hard I found it to leave my abusive x.

if he believes you threw another man's underpants behind the washing machine, what will happen?
He'll be mad (he's mad anyway)
He'll use it as proof you're mad and bad (he's kind of doing that anyway)
You'll feel bad? (you already feel terrible).

So don't waste your energy trying to convince him.
Walk away from this madness. HE is insane and some sort of addict.

Apart from his thoughts what happens to you if he thinks you're mad bad and insane? Do you keel over? Do you die? NO. His thoughts can't hurt you unless you attach meaning to them. But he is NOT the judge of you. He is a lunatic you got tangled up with. That's all.

If you can detach a bit from his thoughts then you will begin to get clarity.

At the moment his low opinion of you is like a virulent poison ivy inside you.

visualise spraying weed killer on his opinion of you.

Don't bother getting in to a debate with him.

He gets off on exhausting you.

There are a lot of links about trauma bonds on line. meredith millier inner integration has a good one on youtube.

He has successfully trained you to feel his feelings deeply and to feel ashamed if you can't convince him that you feel what he instructs you to feel.

You have place the importance of your own thoughts and feelings way way way beneath all of his needs.

You feel guilty no doubt for having a need, or a feeling.

You will destroy yourself if you don't leave.

Stop. You are not responsible for him. You can walk away. Far away.

He needs to get into rehab. Recovery from addiction is what he should start working on

you will walk away, one day it will snap
in your mind and the scales will fall away and you will walk away. It’s coming.

I appreciate your very detailed replies
and I just googled trauma bonds and I can honestly say I tick all the boxes

the name calling
its disgusting
he always threatens he can get prettier than me and no one wants me and makes me feel like I should be proud with him
im always scared and got to watch what I say
the other day (Thursday) I said my friend asked if we both wanted to go out this Saturday night and somehow he twisted it around and went mental on me
just over that
yeh he went out that Thursday night and came home at 6am Friday morning off his head while I was in bed alone waiting for him all night and had the cheek to say can he go back out at 6am and went mental when I said no and than stayed sniffing in the bedroom till sat morning
spent 4500k and now doesn’t have the money to pay his shop rent and expects I help him and pay it tomorrow even tho he was nasty to me all day saying we can’t be together because of the pants
he only gave me the keys to come home again tonight cos I said I’ll pay it
but I don’t want to pay it tomorrow
I don’t see how it’s my problem
but he said we’ll be homeless than because I don’t see that my problem

hes very competitive
it’s all so hard to cope with
it I still can’t help it
i look at our photos and just cry I can’t face not being with him
i love him so much
ill die for that man
he has everything with me
but he just don’t see what he has and probley never will

He's in a trial downward spiral...drugs,addiction, abuse, paranoia etc.

You have a choice. Leave or you'll be dead or at rock bottom too.

His only hope is complete detox and there's no way in hell that's going to happen while you stay enabling him.

Leaving is the only way. He is addicted to drugs and they are harming him. You are addicted to him and it's harming you.

Please start to see a counsellor as an immediate priority.

Walk.
Away.

You let your children stay in this house with drugs and a drug addict?

I could even be bothered reading all this, you legit say it yourself you know he's no good. So leave him, simple Reallt

What is he sniffing?
Drugs? (Pants?)

I apologise because this is going to sound harsh.

You said you'd die for him.

If you stay with him that is a real possibility. He might actually kill you.

I had a friend like you, he did actually kill her.

Get some help ffs.

So sorry OP.

U are worth so much more of this. You need to walk away. Do u want to live this this when ur 60,70,80 etc?

You need to:

• leave the home (a note explaining why uve left)
• change ur phone number ASAP
• take time to recover and get help
• start enjoying a peaceful life.

Totally agree. You need to be tough here OP, leave, delete your SM, change your phone, delete all relics of him from life, and preferably move away and start afresh. And you need some serious therapy to help you get over the trauma. Stay around him and it won’t end well.

What do you love about him? What positives can there actually be about being with him? He abuses you, physically and mentally. This isn't love.

You might love the person he was before..
but safe to say he is not that same person now.. the drugs have changed him or maybe he was always a POS but was hiding it, really..

Hes manipulating you, using emotional blackmail to keep you around,
That whole ambulance scene is typical of a narcissist trying to flip the tables..
He turned it around so that YOU were the one feeling guilty, after his disgusting behaviour towards you, very manipulative..

Hes paranoid that you are cheating because, he knows that you deserve better than him.. he can't even believe himself, that you are sticking around after what he's done to you..
I would not be surprised if he was actually the one cheating on you because his behaviour reeks of that..

He is abusing you, in every single way
I hope that you leave him before you lose yourself in all of this , it will destroy your personality and everything that you are,
The hitting is not going to stop , even if he doesnt do it everyday, he will catch you off guard and do it again, he might leave some scars on you..
I've got scar tissue on my lip from when my ex punched me, its a permanent reminder of him every time I look in the mirror.

the threatening texts he sent are really concerning , he might actually follow through with what he said.. you can't ever really trust this guy or let your guard down around him..
My friends mum was in an abusive relationship too and one day he was drunk and he hit her in the kitchen and she fell backwards
and hit the back of her head on something and she sadly died..
And that's really all it takes, just one moment and it destroyed my friend and her family.

Always remember that you matter, you are somebody and people do care about you, how this man is treating you, is not a reflection of who you are,
You are not the reason why he acts like this, he has something wrong inside of himself and he's taking it out on you.
When you described going through the drawers to find the trousers I feel really broken for you because you already knew that they were his trousers but you are doubting yourself because of him, he's gaslighting you, driving you insane
You got to leave him..

It's abuse. Leave him. Block him. Don't look back. Your heart will heal. The cycle will just keep repeating if you stay and get worse probably. Get out!

Please remember how he makes you feel is the reality of your relationship, not what you feel for him.

I hope you get to the point where you see you are worth so much more and find the strength to leave soon. Before any more damage is done to you.

How would you feel about going to see someone independent to talking through everything?

You need to get a grip.

You can't love someone when you don't value or respect yourself. You have no respect for yourself, and if you truly valued yourself you wouldn't be wasting your life pining after an angry, paranoid, irrational addict whose only interest in life is getting stoned and causing you misery.

Do you believe deep down that you are the special woman who will cure this man of his addiction, banish his demons, and the two of you will live happily ever after? That's the plot of Beauty and the Beast. It's not real life.

You are in the grips of an addiction too and it's making you just as irrational as him. Its an addiction to being needed by someone who is not available to you on any level. Hand in hand with that goes an inability to accept that you deserve someone who is healthy, whole, and normal.

Go to Narcotics Anonymous for Families, or Famanon, or whatever group there is in your local area that offers services for people whose lives are being destroyed by someone else's drug use. You are exactly the sort of person they are there for.