My bf believes his pants are another mans

[Staytrue05]

I’ve posted a few times and yes I’ve been told my relationship isn’t the best

my partner has started getting more paranoid and has become physically abusive to me the last month

i don’t know why but I can’t walk away

he was sniffing for 2 days solid and I got fed up of it and went out for the day with my friend
when I came home I picked up a pair of his pants and shorts what he left on the floor in the bathroom and chucked them into the wash pile

he somehow got it into his head and swears blind I threw a pair of pants behind the washing machine and came out the bathroom with a pair of pants saying there not his

i was like I dunno cos maybe there your dads or your sis bf
but no he went mental on me and chucked me out the house n took my keys

i went back like a idiot that night around 12 he was super high and I asked to take some clothes at least
i saw he put the pants he found on top my clothes and I put them on the side in the living room n said oh is these them and I took a photo of them and left

that morning he text me he’s still sniffing and he’s gonna end his life
he was saying your never forget this day I’m gonna do something to haunt u forever
and all these abusive textes

he went quiet for a hour
i started crying and panicking
he than text me loads of letters what made no sense
i knew immediately he’s overdosed and he said help n I drove like a lunatic to the house from my friends who I stayed at cos he chucked me out

i found the door open and ran in to find him on the bed
i rang the ambulance
he wasn’t in a good state
it was awful
i wanted to die myself at that moment

he went to hospital and what I found really strange is when the paramedics arrived he walked out with them
which was odd cos before they come n I was sat next to him crying begging him to hold on
he wasn’t even moving or answering me

we spent the whole day at hospital fighting
he kept saying I cheated on him and all this stuff about the pants

anyway that night I went back to our home cos I had the keys he gave me them back and I grabbed the pants he found what I left on the side in the living room and went in his pant draw n pulled all his pants out filming it to see if I find anymore the same with the lable
and of course I find another pair in white
and grey and navy blue
i put them all next to each other they was obviously a pack of 2 each or 4
and I went in the bathroom and saw the pants I chucked with the shorts were not there anymore cos it was the pants he picked up n said we’re not his

i don’t no how he got it into his head he got them from under the washing machine
but he was on drugs for 2 days solid

I took all the pants to the hospital today and I handed him the pants what he said wasn’t his
i said are they yours
he said yes
i said thank u finally
than he said u just got these out my draw
wheres the ones I found
i was like r u crazy I took a pic of these pants when I came back to yours at 12am
look at the photo with the date n time it’s the same pics I took them in your face
but he’s so deluded he said I switched them
oh yeh right

im not going mental I’m so drained
i don’t know how he can’t see he made a mistake
he really believes I went out n bought a pair of mens pants back in my bag n chucked them behind the washing machine

i swear to god I didnt
and y would I chuck them in our home
if I did do something I would chuck them outside somewhere before I arrived home

im going crazy
im being told I’m a cheat n liar n listening to all this abuse
n he said he don’t no if he wants to be with a cheat anymore
he really believes himself
and I’m innocent and being punished and hurt for something I didn’t do

i even got the textes n photos all day from when I was out
from when I met my friend to pics where I was to when I came home

im really upset
his sis text me and said he’s getting worse it’s the drugs and to walk away
but I cant
i still keep begging him and trying to proof myself

i don’t no what more I can do
i even said I’ll pay for a lie detector test which he said if I did it n pass he would get down on his knees and say sorry
but I’m sure it will be something else next week

he got paranoid before a month ago and beat me up for thinking I wanted a 3 way with some old couple who was with us at a house party
they all contacted him after and said I did nothing wrong I was the whole time with my bf
and no1 even suggested anything and told him your crazy
he admits now to that he’s wrong and sorry

so why can’t he see now he was so high he believed his own pants were not his

im sure people will laugh at this post
its ridiculous
but I love him and I can’t accept not being with him

What are you, 14?

The more detail you give the less believable your story becomes.

Ah so you've already chosen this loser over your kids then?! But it's ok, because you're in your "love bubble"?

At this point you are as bad as each other, you have chosen this miserable existence over your own children, so crack on.

If this is real, you have gone past deserving sympathy and advice, you've had reams of both on here and ignored it all, making a mockery of the privilege it is to have children.

I hope yours manage to stay away from you and this shitshow you and your "one true love" have created for them.

Ok, you know this is a toxic situation, it’s an addiction that you need to break.

I think if you truly want to recover from this, you need to move back to the UK for a while and get some serious therapy. I can’t imagine you had the best childhood or example from your parents as to what a healthy relationship should look like? That’s something therapy can help with. It also means you won’t see this man in your weaker moments, the space will give you some clarity.

It does mean not seeing your children much for a while (maybe you can still visit?), and so it’s not something I would normally suggest, but I honestly believe that it would be worth it to have a happier, healthier mother in the long term.

If you stay, then you need to accept you're addicted to the drama and you should not expect much sympathy. You sound almost as delusional as he does.

It's very sad that this man means more to you than your children do but at least you have ensured they will be spared having to live with him and see this shitshow and they are living with a parent who will take good care of them.

its what they need.

Hopefully you can get yourself sorted out and get to the point where you want them more than you want him. I hope you do. I wish you the best

but how do I get through this
im crying my eyes out
i can’t face never seeing him again
i feel numb and dead
n wish I went and collected him today
I’m already regretting staying away

This is how you should feel about not seeing your children. Not some man who will probably end up killing you.

He’s a drug user, possibly mentally ill probably due to drug use and very attention seeking.
While I have sympathy for people with MI , he’s not helping himself at all.
You can’t fix him, you’ll never fix him. There is masses of professional help he can call on.
Walk away. Block him on everything. Trying to be the saviour never works and ends badly ( I speak from experience)

Are you in Ireland?

I want to see you as a victim, OP. I want to feel sorry for you. But now you’ve openly admitted to putting him above your children, I can’t.

He is so utterly disgusting and you are a disgrace. I’m sorry.

I did feel very sorry for you at the start and thought you were perhaps quite young, but you have kids and you have dragged them into this holy mess.

The only redeeming part is that their father has taken them. Is that right? It sounds as though they will be better off with him.

Is this bloke, who treats you appallingly, worth more than your kids because that's the message your putting out?

How will you afford £700 per month for a flat plus living costs if you have no income?

Well said

Who do you love more? This vile man or your children?

The man - an addict, abusive, violent, selfish, paranoid, doesn't trust you, messes with your head, makes you misertable, doesn't love you.

Your children - innocent children who love their mum, who need their mum, who rely on their mum, who deserve being nurtured and protected and loved.

Which are you going to pick? Because you can't have both. You will lose your children if you stay with him. One way or another.

ill die for that man

He's not worth it.

Live for your kids.

You need help (counselling urgently) with that attitude/the values you have.

Men are ten a penny. Especially fucked up ones like this. Your kids will never have another (biological) mother.

“I think if you truly want to recover from this, you need to move back to the UK for a while and get some serious therapy. I can’t imagine you had the best childhood or example from your parents as to what a healthy relationship should look like? That’s something therapy can help with. It also means you won’t see this man in your weaker moments, the space will give you some clarity.

It does mean not seeing your children much for a while (maybe you can still visit?), and so it’s not something I would normally suggest, but I honestly believe that it would be worth it to have a happier, healthier mother in the long term.”

This.

You sound extremely vulnerable to me, OP, especially since you are stuck in a different country in order to be near the children. Unless I’ve missed it, you haven’t said why your marriage broke down but you sound completely lost and rather helpless, hence your desire to hang on to a man who may well kill you at the cost of your relationship with your kids.

As @Naunet said, I’m guessing you had pretty crappy relationship role models growing up. Perhaps you were repeatedly called on to be a rescuer and think the only person who will stay with you is someone you can rescue. But not everyone’s love is worth having, OP, and even if this guy sort of loves you in his own inadequate way, it’s not a love worth having. All relationships are great when they’re going well - the true test is how they are when they’re going badly and this relationship is appalling and dangerous for you when it’s going badly.

Please try and get back to the UK and do some serious work on yourself so that your children have a mother they can depend on, not the shell of a mother which you currently are.

In the meantime, you might also find Women Who Love Too Much by Robin Norwood a helpful read.

i told their dad the situation and he’s having them and I’m take them out alone in the days
so my children are very far away from this situationm

Well done op.

Thank fuck for that.

But the longer you don't have them 50-50, the more they'll feel put to the side by you/not a priority for you. That could fk them up.

There's no point in trying to return to a few nights a week with this guy, he's a druggy, hes lost the plot, he's suffering from serious paranoia, he's assaulted you, he's unstable, violent and potentially dangerous. He's not a good partner and probably never will be. It would be better in the long run to just get out of the relationship and stay out, go cold turkey.

You need to find ways of dealing with your feelings ... Why do you think you're clinging do hard to this bad relationship/partner? Is it your upbringing?

Get help from womend aid etc because it's going to be hard to get away from this "man".

Also you sound like you're trying to get back to a honeymoon period, you can't.

The honeymoon period was exactly that. How someone is in the early stages of relationship, how they are when they're on their best behaviour, trying to get you to attach & invest, how they are when they don't think you're a sure thing yet, how they are before their issues, bad sides come to the surface. Honeymoon periods are also filled with emotional, exciting, quite addictive hormones that give you a high.

People can stay in an abusive relationship trying to get back to that honeymoon period, but it wasn't really real. And it's over. He's proven himself an unfit partner and unfit to be around your kids. He's unlikely to change and stay changed.

I doubt the OP will be back. She has quite clearly made her choice (she won't stay away from him, he is all she is thinking about) and it is a terrible one, although thankfully it sounds like the children are now with a safer parent. I hope they remain so.

This is quite distressing to read.

Drug-induced paranoia is a danger to YOUR life.
Leave him if you care to live. If you don't, then there ain't no help that can be offered.

The only person committing suicide, is you OP. That's the bare reality of the situation.

You've put a smack head above your kids?

You can't live without him but you're happy to give them up?

I don't know what help there is for you OP. It seems you've made your choice.

he was sniffing for 2 days solid ....

that morning he text me he’s still sniffing ...

but he was on drugs for 2 days solid ....

....I took all the pants to the hospital today and I handed him the pants what he said wasn’t his
i said are they yours
he said yes
i said thank u finally
than he said u just got these out my draw
wheres the ones I found
i was like r u crazy I took a pic of these pants when I came back to yours at 12am
look at the photo with the date n time it’s the same pics I took them in your face
but he’s so deluded he said I switched them
oh yeh right

Why are you arguing with a binging coke head who's out half the output of Columbia up his nose about whatever crazy, paranoid nonsense he's got in his head next?????!!!!!!

You are asking why he can't/won't admit he's wrong about the "pants" because he eventually he admitted he was wrong about the threesome he accused you of wanting to set up with random people at a house party, and beat you up over ..... Maybe because he's not come down enough yet, maybe because he thought you might really leave after he beat you up, maybe he'll admit he was wrong about the pants .....

BUT IT WILL BE SOMETHING ELSE after that!!!!!!!

Get it.

Because he's a psranoid, off his face coke head. His own sister told you to get away from him for your own sake.

Oh and by the way,vif noone else would want you.... Why the fuck is he so worried and paranoid about you shagging other men or couples?!

Noone else would want you I'd the standard line of ABUSERS.
And is never true either.

He wants you to believe that so you think he's your only prospect for a relationship and you won't leave no matter what he does.

It's as simple as that.

People lie. People with an agenda lie. He is lying.

At least your kids have one parent who'll do right by them.

i don’t know how he can’t see he made a mistake

so why can’t he see now he was so high he believed his own pants were not his

It makes far more sense for a drug addict to be paranoid and abusive than it does for a mum to choose being with one over being with her kids.

You need to stop wondering why he's doing what he's doing and start wondering why you're doing what you're doing.

PLEASE walk away. This isn't what love is. One day you will meet someone who will show you what REAL love actually is and you will look back on this and realise how messed up it was. More importantly, you need to love YOURSELF first and that involves removing yourself from this situation.

He doesn't love you. He doesn't even remotely care about you. He kicked you out of the house, threatened to kill himself, apparently tried to kill himself, and still accusing you of things you haven't done, leading you to go absolutely insane trying to give him proof.

No healthy relationship requires a lie detector test. This isn't Jeremy Kyle.

If you stay with him, your self-esteem and confidence will plummet, and you'll find yourself constantly questioning yourself, constantly trying to prove yourself. His drug taking is also a huge problem and he needs professional help.

Even reading your original post, I can feel the desperation in your voice and your need to explain to a forum full of strangers that you did not cheat. You don't need to explain that to us. You don't even need to explain that to him in this situation.

This is toxic. Please do your future self a favour and walk away.

Poor kids

Leave him! He's ruining your life!