Porn in our religious home

[Abreakwouldbelovely]

Been awake for hours feeling upset and confused after finding last night that my DH (married 11 yrs, 3 kids) has been watching porn despite it going against our religion. I've read loads of threads on here about porn so I know there's a full spectrum of attitudes but the complicating factor here is that I converted to this religion before we married and I live by its teachings- it's tough at times, but I do it for myself and for our relationship. For example I dress v modestly, don't listen to pop music (which is viewed in the religion as too sexy) and am careful not to seem at all flirtatious with any men. My DH is outwardly religious but this feels so undermining and so unappreciative of my own efforts in our religion and relationship. We also have sex less than I'd like (which we've talked about multiple times) which makes it feel more upsetting. And yet there's a lot of good in our marriage and reasons to be together. Please share your thoughts cos right now I feel v lonely.

I was all ready to come on here and say that most men watch porn and there's not much harm in it. But the religious aspect does make a difference here IMO. So you're continually making sacrifices in the cause of HIS religion and he can't do the same in return? I'd be feeling very pissed off right now! What does he have to say about this?

Because the rules work in favour of men. Frankly I don't know why women go along with it. men are hypocrites.

I’m sorry you’re dealing with this

for me it just sums up religion - so much hypocrisy

must be a slap in the face if you are taking it seriously and trying to live by the teachings but sadly so common for people to outwardly appear pious when behind closed doors etc very different

I’m distinctly not religious, but I believe couples should always address the issue of porn by their own chosen moral framework. The source of that framework is irrelevant, what matters is that the two of you agree on the rules and follow them.

given the religious context, it might be appropriate to reach out to your religious leader or advisor. He or she may be able to sit down with the two of you and facilitate a discussion about the issue.

If it's JW, I'd tell the elders tbh and have him have a shepherding call.

Have you spoken with him about it? There's lots of articles out there about the dangers of porn. He could read through those. It needs to be his decision to stop and not through shame as this can cause a cycle of increasing the desire of it.

I can't imagine restricting myself for the sake of some man's religion. All religions are hypocritical and discriminatory in some way or other. Did you really think he stuck to the rules?

He has shown what he honestly thinks of his religion, I suggest you go on a shopping spree, buy clothes that you like, and that reflect your personality. Stop being pressured into denying yourself. He doesn't have a leg to stand on. And make sure you raise your children to be more equitable and honest than your cowardly two-faced husband.

his religion obviously means more to you than it dies to him. I can’t believe you live by their rules and he doesn’t?! Frank conversation needed here!

When it comes to religion, the ‘rules’ practically speaking, only apply to women. Men make the rules and often give themselves a free pass because ‘men can’t help themselves’.

I’m sorry your H is a hypocrite and has let you down but I don’t know what to advise because I fear that if you tell him you know, he will make pathetic excuses, blame you and/ or drag you into his ‘redemption’ arc.

I wish you luck but do not let him, let you take ownership (even partially) for his choices.

I have to ask, why did you choose to convert to such a restrictive, controlling and sexist religion?

Is he Muslim?

All of my sympathies but it shouldn't be religion that makes this NOT OK for you. As a woman you're entitled to have your own bar, as a woman you're entitled to get turned off by this. You do not need a patriarchal religion that invalidates the woman's experience of everything from sex, love, marriage, work, sacrifice and life in general to make this not ok. It's not ok because it's not ok. I am not anti-religion btw but I feel like your out sourcing your reaction here.

YOU are entitled to have a reaction.

So true @AgentJohnson men can't help themselves and they work hard to support the family and deserve the experiences whereas women are hoes if they don't keep the rules.

So…. This happened to me about seven years ago and I felt utterly betrayed. I thought myself and my DH had the same viewpoint on porn and how it desecrates the image of God by dehumanising people.

It messed me up a lot …and took me and him a lot of working through. My hope is he doesn’t watch it now, considering I haven’t change my view on it, it but I have decided to let him have a private life and cultivate my own identity separate from him.

What has happened since the seven years is I have actually come right away from my religion and I feel so much happier away from the religious rules. Although I don’t see this course as linked to his porn use…crossover came at me looking at why I was such a doormat. And I think it’s encouraged and supported by the expectations to fit into a one size obedient deferential woman - even in ‘progressive’ denominations such as I was part of.

I have had to learn about myself and what I like to do because for example my interest in fashion and beauty was viewed as vanity. But I like clothes. I like beauty.

I also don’t see myself and my husband as meshed and homogeneous as my naive younger self. I think people outside of religion get there sooner.

Thank you all- first time I've posted and I appreciate your thoughts and support. In response: we have talked and he's apologised but what do you do with the hurt when an apology doesn't take that away? The religion is Islam, which I still see a lot of good in - please try to support the fact that it's not just his religion, it's mine too and one that I have given much thought to in my decade-plus as a Muslim.

Is there any space in Islam for you to detach yourself and focus on yourself and your own identity and your own sense of self, like @Cherryana ??

This. Organised religion was created by hypocrites and done so as a mechanism of controlling society, mostly women.

Double standards, simple as.

and he only apologised because he was caught out.

I'd completely lose respect and love for someone who made you convert to his religion but fails to think the rules apply to him.

Therein oppression and subjugation lies.

Have you and your husband read the qu ran?

Usual story, religious rules made up by men, but only the women sticking to them.

Do you not see this?

This is really thought-provoking. So, when we talked last night I did address a similar thought- I actually have quite mixed feelings about porn so I'm not so much hurt by him watching it as hurt that he has religious standards which he encourages me to live by and then this secret which he hides and so pushes me away. I feel the religion has de-sexualised me to some extent me in my husband's eyes and in my own view of myself because of the emphasis on modesty. I suppose we're both conflicted and that's impacting us on both an individual level and as a couple.

Thank you for sharing all of this, I've read your message several times. How did you work through it together? How did you move away from your religion, was it gradual? Do you feel a sense of loss for the belief you had- or do you still have those beliefs but outside of formal religion?

In the west we live with more than one ideology that will shape our beliefs and inform the rules we live by. Religion is just one of those ideologies and it can be very strong in certain families and communities. However in UK there is a strong ideological influence from progressive liberalism and indeed conservative liberalism.

Very few people will be just one thing and that means we end up with individual belief systems even though we call ourselves a catholic, feminist, Muslim or nationalist.

It is very common for people to be connected to a community without buying into all their rules. Sometimes people don’t buy into any of the belief system of a religious community but remain members because that is their community and often their family.

An outwardly religious man using pornography will be hugely conflicted. You are hugely conflicted. I’d suggest some joint therapy and I’d go for a secular therapist.

This ! Always this .

Organised religion is an absolute scourge. Mainly against women.