Porn in our religious home

[Abreakwouldbelovely]

Been awake for hours feeling upset and confused after finding last night that my DH (married 11 yrs, 3 kids) has been watching porn despite it going against our religion. I've read loads of threads on here about porn so I know there's a full spectrum of attitudes but the complicating factor here is that I converted to this religion before we married and I live by its teachings- it's tough at times, but I do it for myself and for our relationship. For example I dress v modestly, don't listen to pop music (which is viewed in the religion as too sexy) and am careful not to seem at all flirtatious with any men. My DH is outwardly religious but this feels so undermining and so unappreciative of my own efforts in our religion and relationship. We also have sex less than I'd like (which we've talked about multiple times) which makes it feel more upsetting. And yet there's a lot of good in our marriage and reasons to be together. Please share your thoughts cos right now I feel v lonely.

I’d like to see men dress and behave modestly too.

So much I agree with here. And you're dead right- my faith should be mine alone but I have been struggling with it and our commitment to it as a family has been a source of strength and motivation. And I agree that, re porn, no one should be too quick to judge- for me, it's the fact that of our separateness which makes me feel so sad.

@Abreakwouldbelovely As a Catholic I would try and forgive someone if they'd hurt me. Christianity and Islam aren't that different- Allah is described as All-Merciful. I'm not saying your anger isn't understandable.

Every time the thought of someone having wronged me comes up, I pray

'Dear Lord, I forgive X and I pray for anything they want and need which is your will for them.'

This helps overcome unpleasant feelings, too.

what do you do with the hurt when an apology doesn't take that away?

It is normal for it to take time to process things.

It's no wonder he doesn't want sex as much as he otherwise would if he's masturbating, so he'll have less of an itch to scratch than he otherwise would.

What's your marriage like in other respects?

You see the appeal of porn, OP? You've written that several times now. So it's not actually him watching it you object to, then? It's that he didn't tell you? I'm a bit confused. I don't mean that in a snarky way, btw.

In any case, hypocrisy is at the root of religion. That's sadly not a surprise. I'm sorry you're in this situation.

And not go out unless with a female guardian.

I've never used it myself because I feel ethically uncomfortable with it but I'm not sure how I would feel about him using it if this whole issue wasn't complicated by religion- probably not half as bad tho I'm so confused I don't know.

I know, and I feel guilty for posting publicly about it rather than wrestling privately with the need to forgive. But I've been through the mill recently and just need some perspective to sort my head out

And our marriage is good in some respects but not perfect which is why this is particularly hurtful.

Thank you all xx I'm going to stop reading now and try and rest but I feel comforted by the fact that what feels like a complex situation in my head is proving to be so within this debate- I feel like I have a lot to think about and that my feelings are important and you've all reflected that.

I hope that these posts have given you advice, support and confidence. You never need to put up with bad male behaviour, but it doesn't necessarily mean the end of the marriage. Just remember not to accept any blame in this. Good luck.

Does it matter which religion it is?

Kits because he is a scummy lying hypocrite - he wants people to believe he is something he is not. I would consider divorcing over this. You've given up so much and he is actively going out of his way to look at other women online. It's revolting.

I wouldn't mind safe porn where I knew the porn was made without people being used but I'm not sure if that exists.

You sound like you are going to think about this and justify it. You need to flip out and get angry. No need to be a demure wife now

Your religion is yours and his is his, and you should only do religious deeds to please God and no one else. Religious journey is also not about performing perfectly without fail in religion, but in reality people lapse and sin. What matters is his commitment not to do it again for two reasons - because it’s displeasing to God and secondly because it’s clearly taking affection and sex away from between husband and wife. Me and my husband have decided not to watch porn and we’re having much, much more sex now.

Being cynical, I don't think that religious views have any effect on men's sexual preferences. The fact that he is religious doesn't turn off his libido.

I would be very annoyed that he is watching porn instead of having sex with you though.

As others have said religion is an invention, by men, used to control and dominate women and keep them second class citizens.

I know, and I feel guilty for posting publicly about it rather than wrestling privately with the need to forgive

@Abreakwouldbelovely I'm absolutely not saying that you should struggle in silence and it was wrong of you to post. That's what allows negative stuff to carry on.

our marriage is good in some respects but not perfect which is why this is particularly hurtful.

What else has been happening? x

Forgiveness is all very well, but if all the forgiveness is entirely happening on one side/one way, that is not a good relationship.

I'd be interested to hear what solid, true steps he's take to stop watching porn and stick to it. Since forgiveness is only relevant if the sin is not committed again and again.

I'd worry he's just paying lip service.

You say "our religious home" op, but i have a feeling it's not actually. You have been earnestly, seriously following the religion; he has not. As others have said, he's a pick n mixer.

Maybe you need to adjust your perception of both your husband and marriage. You think you're both devoted Muslins, in it together. Evidence suggests to the contrary.

Also he's an absolute hypocrite to let you follow restrictions about clothing, music and behaviour, while using porn himself.

(And neglecting you sexually into the bargain).

Disclaimer: hardline atheist here.

The debate between our different "selves" is as old as time. There's our natural human selves that demand food, sex, shelter. Then there's our religious or spiritual (or in my case, moral and ethical) demands. So our bodies mature and we want to see sex, have sex, think about sex...but our spiritual and religious selves say, well, no, hang on a minute, can we discuss?

I know many men with religious leanings at work who say things and do things which go against the teachings of their church/mosque/synagogue/temple but think if they go to services/meetings they can pray for forgiveness and all is good until the next time they sin. I think it's hypocritical. You sin, you keep sinning, but you get absolved of those sins and you think, great, let's keep sinning!

OP has converted to her religion, that of her husband, and he can't be arsed to keep within the restrictions and rules, even though she has. I think she must feel very let down and disappointed. It really does sound like he fails to care about her feelings at all.

Aren't women often the guardians of traditional values, whether they like it or not. He's taken that view. I'm not saying it's right. But it's traditional.

Watch After Love, OP. You should make right decisions for yourself about what your religion means or doesn't mean in your life. As for your future marriage & husband, they are separate decisions.

My aunt (fundamental Christian) discovered that her husband (senior member of their same church) had chronically cheated on her. Or rather my uncle confessed thinking she could forgive him anything & they would work thru the challenge together, helping him conquer his weakness. She told the entire religious community as fast as possible. She never faulted her religion, only her husband. They are both still deeply religious in the same broad community, but the marriage collapsed instantly.

All Judao-Christian religion is BS, formulated to control plebs. It's If you disagree, you're blind!
Whatever religion someone claims to follow, bear in mind that people are people. We all have feelings and desires, no matter how much they get suppressed.

I don't think masturbation is the issue here.

"Reading this has made me think that I'm perhaps at a crossroads - I don't know whether to move further in to my religion to try and free myself from the pain of this world, or move away from the religion..."

How will moving further into a restrictive and subjugating way of life free you from the pain of the world? The religious restriction (which you took on in order to please your husband, who is not living by the same rules he expects you to) is the problem. If these behaviours that religion demands of us were in anyway natural, we wouldn't need constantly reminding to do them.

This in spades. Why would you limit your own freedom and model this to your children?

He sounds like a hypocrite to me. What would happen if he found you watching porn I wonder?
I don't have a problem with my DH watching porn, but he isn't religious. I think I would have a problem with the one rule for you, another for me aspect.